Tired

God, I wanna go to bed. And god, these titles have been inane lately.

Went out with Melissa and Bill last night...which amounted to fighting over what movie to rent till 11:30 or so, then watching said movies till 1, then she wanted to look through photo books...I like them, but geez, I was tired. And I feel half dead today. And tomorrow'll be much worse.

So not looking forward to six hours of class tomorrow anyway, but also the shit after it. Everyone was forced to do something for seele for picnic day, and seeing as I had no other time available, I agreed to set the booth up. Well, surprise, TPTB of Picnic Day now decided that we have to set out the fucking parade route instead, at 3:30-6. Then I have rehearsal from 6-forever. I am going to DIE. No time to go home and drop anything off, even. I am not happy about this at all...I called Jenny and left a message whining about how I really didn't want to do it tomorrow because I'll be dead fucking tired. But seeing as there's only three others doing it...sigh. She hasn't called me back yet about this. I am SO not looking forward to tomorrow.

Design homework for the weekend is to design a board game (eventual midterm project). Sounds fun, right? Well, you're not allowed to use words in the game. Which takes out all the fun of it for me. No ideas. Remington suggested strategy games...but I so suck at those. (sigh)

As for rehearsal, it was mostly pointless. I had massage class at 6:45 that I was deadly determined to go to. I whined to several people about this, so I'd get excused from it. I stayed as long as I could...we sat there for almost forty minutes waiting for them to start...they only started when I had to go. And just before I had to go, this one chick bitched that EVERYONE had to stay no matter what. Ha. Oh, and did I mention that a lot of people also had to leave early for some mandatory lecture tonight? Ridiculous...I wanna be in the fashion show, but it's not being run well.

Massage class was interesting...we did feet. I now pretty much want to collapse (and I was already tired), but I should wait around for Jenny to call (sigh). I didn't do as good a job on him as he did on me...mainly because he likes things hard, and I'm a weakling. (Sigh) Oh well. Then he left to go off to Rumsey with Zoe again. And he's not getting back from Riverside till Monday (double sigh).

I really would have rather had it that they got together on Wednesday instead of tonight. A streak of not seeing him is icky. Albeit this is not as bad as last weekend was. Also weird to me (didn't mention this to him though) was that I'd been feeling him up all night in massage, then he leaves. Ugh. Oh well. No choice about it.

Came back here and checked the IRC log and found that Zoe had been in Davis for awhile (I assume by now she's left for Rumsey though, at least I called there and she wasn't home). Anyway, she told Melissa that Remington doesn't know this, but she can't see him for over two weeks due to work schedule- apparently she's working early hours for like 11 days straight, and till midnight all next weekend dates. Can't do a weekend or a weekday. Odd feeling- bummed for her. I mean, I suppose I should be going "oh, goodie, I get a weekend to have him to myself", but I'm not feeling like that. Well, I suppose I would be if I actually got a weekend to myself with him. Friday, sure. Saturday I'm stuck with parents, then the party, where we'll be surrounded by people. So that doesn't really work. Plus I'm bummed that she won't be coming. But oh well. Not like I've gotten to make the decisions around here lately much.

Reading Jessica's page.. I definitely agree on the counter bit. Which is why I don't have one. Even though from my poll quite a while ago, I know that four (well, now five) read it. Still, it'd be weird to see. I always forget that I'm "supposedly" an adult who could get married (yeah right) and have kids (yikes). I don't feel like one usually. This quasi-adult thing is more like it. It's not something that really ever occurs to me, because I don't do a lot of adult things like work or drive. Which somehow seems more adult to me than, well, um, no comment. (Don't ask me about my logic, I don't get it either.) The closest I ever felt to that actually was back in high school when I used to have pregnancy nightmares. Freaked me out no end. I'm just glad I haven't had any in quite awhile. Pretty odd that I had the pregnancy dreams when I wasn't seeing anybody, and now that I am I haven't had any. My psyche is twisted, no doubt.

Note to Jessica (or should it be Jess?): If we could get her to go, it might be good for her. Like self-defense class would have, if she'd shown up for it. But she didn't (sigh). She'd like the idea and then decide to go drink, is my guess. I went to that last year and it was really good. Actually my ex-roommate worked on that last year. I thought about it, but it took her a lot of time and I so don't have that. (You weren't on IRC much when I was, so I figure I'll put it here).

Reading her bit on marriage...reminded me to mention this conversation I had with Remington the other day about it. Namely, that he thinks it's pointless (remember, he's been married before). For the most part I agree, I mean, I don't think a lot of people are going to get married and live happy ever after. I'm just cynical. That and well, it just sounds like marriage is boring and troublesome once you really get into it. Just my impression from my parents. Not to mention fighting. I pretty much consider living together to be like marriage (hence why I don't want to do that either), but he didn't agree with that at all. He couldn't really explain why it was different, though. Some commitment thing?

The weird thing about me and marriage is, is that I always wanted to try a little bit of it. Namely, do the get a fancy dress and presents and party and honeymoon part of it. That I would like to do. Then get it annulled before the fun ended. (Yes, I know that's quite silly and impractical, but still. I like clothes, what do you expect out of me?) And thinking that if I did stay with Remington I wouldn't get to do that bummed me out a bit. Stupid, I know, especially when I'm distrustful of the institution and what it does to you. (sigh)

I'm having many silly thoughts lately.

Then again, I think he is too. Like I've said before, he's very confusing/conflicting. Like last night, we're dead tired and crash at his place at like 1:30 or so, and I happen to say that I liked sleeping with him. And then he starts wondering if I'm getting too attached to him again. Which was really annoying me. Like I can't say that I like that? Yeah, I know he wonders if I'm going to go psycho and insist on having him there 7 nights a week, but I haven't bloody done it so far. The worrying-about-me-going-psycho turned out to be the root of that after I attacked him on it, but it still annoyed. I mean, yeah, I would like having him around more, but I'll live. I get more sleep when he's not around anyway. Zoe feels the same way (she was used to having someone to sleep with prior to him), but I doubt he knows that. Wonder if he'd attack her on it? okay, attack isn't the best word for it really. But I don't know what is.

Continuing from there, as I was bugging him about that stuff, he started going on about how he worried about getting too attached and missing me when I'm not around, and that would be bad. You already say you miss me a lot, and you've said other things...I think it's too late for that. But I got the point. So I asked him how he'd miss me. "Cleverly...logistically...ballistically" was about his answer. Somewhat baffling.

Especially odd when you compare that to the next morning, when I for some reason asked him what he'd do after getting the Ph.D. and he first said he didn't know, then said he might follow me around to wherever I chose to study. (He seems to be under the mistaken illusion that I want to go to grad school. Which isn't true, as most of me isn't very interested in doing so. I've told him that, but he doth not listen to it.) Then he puts in something like if that's close to Amsterdam or Melbourne. Huh? "There's this company I'm thinking of working at and that's where the headquarters are." Which then got into this thing about how I'd follow him (well, Melbourne anyway, as I've always wanted to go to Australia.) Pipe dreaming really. I mean, my mom would die if I moved to Australia..can you imagine that reaction? Bad.

But really, discussing stuff like following someone around after we're out of Davis...oh, gee, don't wanna get too attached there. Stuff like this does make me wonder about Zoe...he doesn't do this with her, as much anyway, I think. He going to get her to move to Melbourne too? Or what?

Another slightly odd one: he was talking about the few conferences he has left to do for GSA, and the possibility of taking me along to one of them. A trip to Irvine next month, and to Santa Barbara in July. Which, as I of course know, is basically impossible. 1. My mother MUST have my location and # wherever I go in the event of a Dad problem (and a trip to somewhere with Remington is not allowed. Sheesh. "How would we explain that to your father?"), and 2. weekends are Zoe's territory. Both of which I said. While he did concede to the idea of bringing her to Irvine, he got kinda whiny when I said that...the usual what if I want to see you on a weekend, with my usual she only gets to see you on weekends, so you're stuck, and you should take her, not like I could go anyway. Then we basically ended the fight on stalemate and purposelessness, as we're talking about ages from now.

I'm 21 (almost) and I can't go on a trip with my boyfriend. Pathetic.

And him bitching about the weekends is going to do him no good. Whether he wants to be with me on a weekend or not, he doesn't have the option really. You made your bed, you lie in it and don't whine about it to me. He really should just accept it and get used to it: this is how things are going to be. Unless anyone moves, which is unlikely.

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jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu

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