(Again, I'm sorry this is late, and that I don't have links posted to the pictures here since I left my list at home, but they are linked on other pages, really.)
"If only I had had the sense to stay away from you. I hate you for what you've done and yet I feel that it's not all over. I don't know what I mean to say exactly; it's kind of like a feeling I have about things." Quee Purdy, Carolina MoonI'm feeling introspective today, folks.
I had been doing fine. Okay. Great. I hadn't thought about The Moron too much, and when he occurred in my brain, I didn't want him in there. I was improving, right? Happy, right?
Well, I had a nightmare last night that changed it.
First I dreamed I was pregnant (bad enough!), and later I dreamed that I
found out The Moron was dead (car accident, I think- figures, with his
driving). It about flipped me out, I felt terrible. I was thinking,
"Well, when I last saw him, I didn't know when I'd see him again, but I
didn't know it would be the LAST time . . . " And yet again, I had
misgivings that I'd sent him the letter (well, I had Mom mail it, but you
know what I mean.), that if I hadn't, maybe we would have talked one last
time. Stupid, I know, when I'm sure that if I hadn't done it he still
wouldn't have called me and I'd be where I am now, only unsure about that.
Not that he hadn't already proved how he'd turned into a dick. Reminds me
of a few times when he forgot to call me when he was supposed to and I
imagined he was dead- completely stupid, I know. Reminds me of a Rita
Rudner quote I can't find right now about how if he doesn't call you it
doesn't mean he's dead/incapitated/what have you- he just doesn't want to
call you.
"I come up here and I see before and after. I look at where I first met your mother- the beginning- and I come over here and I see how it all turned- or rather didn't turn out." Cecil Lowe, Carolina MoonI still can't resolve how it started and how it ended. And maybe I never will until I see him act like an asshole. Not that I want to, though.
I told Mom the dream, and she was all, "Have you ever
read any of those dream-analysis books?" Hah. This one's pretty obvious to
analyze- the relationship is dead and hopeless, therefore the dream. Or as
I put it to Mom, "He might as well be dead, I won't see him again
anyway." She disagreed, figures I will- but I still think I'm right. Even
if I see him again, it's over. Incidentally, Mom is now wondering if she
should have mailed it. I said it really wouldn't have made a difference.
My mom is becoming a lot like me (or vice versa). She's REALLY feeling
frustrated at work, and I noticed today that she's picked up a bad habit
of mine- when she's obsessed with a topic (like work), she twists every
other topic of discussion around to her problem. Like I do with The
Moron- I can insert him into EVERY conversation, although I know it's
annoying and I'm trying to curb it. Like by getting a Web page where I can
still blab, but people can choose NOT to read the ramblings or skim them
instead of being my captive audience. I was VERY good this week about not doing that to my new roommates.
But my mom managed to twist a conversation about intuitions that had nothing
to do with work to her work again. Scary. 
On the intuition thing: I've had a strong sense of
intuition going since the fifth grade- just "knowing" some things that were
going to happen. Like I could predict who was going to be called on in class
sometimes, or at least the general vicinity. Instincts about what someone
was going to say, that kind of thing. Heck, my joke is that "I'm my own
psychic friend!"
I used to be good at this with The Moron. The whole way we got together was filled with my intuition. I remember sitting in home ec class one day reading an article about the senior ball and suddenly knowing that I would be going to it. I wasn't particularly knowing that it would be with The Moron, and I thought right afterwards that was silly of me to think because it wasn't likely to happen- but it happened. And how we got together- even more of that kind of thing. This is why I don't resolve The Moron with who I used to know- I don't understand why my intuition went so faulty, or what did happen.
It didn't go away when we broke up for (I thought, and I'm sure he
thought) good, either. I was still taking him to my senior ball (long story)
, and after a while I started thinking that I'd get him back there. And I
did. Maybe it was my getting my wish for my birthday (yes, that's what I
wished. Doesn't matter if I tell it now, does it?), I don't know.
But since I moved to Davis . . . I've been less and less sure. Since January, my intuitions have eroded and now they're gone. I have had NO feelings about anything going on in my life. I didn't know of any of the disasters that would befall me. I had no idea what to think about The Moron's behavior like I used to. I used to think I knew what he was like. HAH! Now I feel rudderless. All my actions of the past six months have been based on frantic insane imaginings and not logical thinking or any inner knowledge of life. I didn't know he was going to trash me so drastically. I couldn't guess at why, I lost my instincts as to his behavior when he started acting like people he told me annoyed him with their behavior. I'm going in blind and it's very, very, scary. I miss my instincts telling me what was right to do. I would have appreciated them telling me whether or not to write that letter or how it would turn out- I waited so long partly because I was waiting for them to kick in. I wish to God I had them back. But I'm not getting my wishes granted anymore.
Mail me at my school address below-
© 1997 jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu
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