Not Written By Me (Mostly)

My Soap-Operatic Life

"Yes, I know it's Friday night, and I'm sitting here working on my website while everyone else is dancing the night away or out drinking or driving outside the city limits to buy fireworks. But hey, did I ever tell you I had a social life? No, I don't think I did." Gwen, Gwen's Petty, Judgmental, Evil Thoughts

Now here are some good suggestions I should consider doing on my warning page:

If you know me in meatspace, feel free to read the journal. But please do yourself a favour by letting me know, otherwise I might make some unflattering remarks about you, your dysfunctional family or your checkered past. Who knows, I may have done so already." Scott Anderson, Words

"At first, steadily following a life as each new entry appears, not unlike a soap opera, albeit sometimes a very prosaic and dull soap opera."

"you know, i decided that i didn't care if people i knew read my journal. i mean, i'd prefer that you not but it isn't that big of a deal anymore. just understand that these are MY opinions and that i'm entitled to them. and if stuff that's here pisses you off, well, that's your problem, because you know? i told you not to go reading it anyway.if it makes you mad, you can leave. it's not like i've tied you down and forced you to read my terrible opinions of you. (besides, most of the really rotten ones i keep to myself. =)

and please. if you don't like what i have to say, don't tell me. keep it to yourself and get the hell out. we'll both be happier that way. well. at least i will be.

so here you go. and don't say i didn't warn you." Aggie

"On another note, I haven't talked to Joe in a long time, well last week I did, but that was the first time in a long time, like a month. And I've decided that I am totally sick of being the one that keeps the friendship going and stuff. I am so mad at him. I've decided that he is so not worth my time right now, so I'm gonna let him know what's up. Unfortunately he left for Michigan today so I can't do anything right now. Or I mean I can, but he won't get the email until he gets back in a few weeks. It's sad losing friends but that happens in life I guess." Quinn

Now, here's a journal that I just got kinda blown away by. I mean, it is cool. I think I've found a poetry page done by her somewhere else (hard to forget the name of the page!) though. Anyway, this is Meghan O'Hara, of Squirrel Bait. And apparently she doesn't get this good-guy-to-bad-guy stuff either.

"I've been feeling kind of down-in-the-dumps for a few weeks, but recently I had a conversation with someone that really trashed the remnants of my self-esteem. I have never had someone say something so deliberately cutting and then watch me with what I can only classify as scientific detachment to see how badly I was hurt by it... he stared at me, just watching the pain sink in, like I was a lab rat running through an electrified maze. This is a normally very empathetic and caring person, who has never hurt me before in his life, which shocked me even more... the thought that someone like him, who used to take care of me so sweetly, whose shoulder I cried on, could want to hurt me like that really stung. If he was a jerk normally, I could shrug it off... but when one of the good guys doesn't like you... it makes you search yourself... and when I search myself, I never like what I find."

"I think one of the reasons this diary gets the reputation it does for being an angst-filled, angry diatribe against the world is because when nothing's going wrong, I don't write."

(She then goes on to detail a night of pleasant TV watching with friends. I think- somehow I lost the part before it)

". . . I loved every second of it, but except here, to make my point, I wouldn't write about it. There's no drama, no plot, no hero, no villian. Now, if we'd all gotten into a fight, and stormed out of my house in a fury... now that would be a story. That would get told, and written about.

There are a few reasons I started thinking about this. The first was the reaction to a happy entry I wrote a few weeks ago. I got mail asking if aliens had taken over my body.

I began to wonder if everyone who read this saw me as an endless fountain of sarcasm and angst, and went back and read a lot of my earlier entries... noticing that, as in life, I didn't write unless I had a story to tell... virtually ensuring that my life as chronicled here came out sounding like one neverending conflict, with me as the superbitter Astinus of Palanthus." I think this was the page if you want it

"Maybe I should just get a T-Shirt that says "On The Rebound, Take Me Now".

"The eskimos are said to have dozens of different words for snow; it's an essential part of their lives... and you'd think that in a society with as unholy an obsession with love as ours, we'd have some different words for it, too. Instead, we just have one clumsy one, which leads to all manner of superfluous metaphors. "Well, I love you like a friend..." "I love you like a brother..." "I love you like my dog.",

Dammit, I'm taking charge. Here are a whole slew of new words for love. Use them wisely:

Snooglefrit: an asexual kind of crush, where you think the person is absolutely wonderful and would love to spend more time with them, know what they know, and be important to them. i.e. I snooglefrit my psych professor."

(I used to do this . . . heck, I think I just did it with my geology professor. Wanna hear something weird? I dreamed that he married my mother yesterday. Bizarre.)

"Floopdegad: the feeling you get towards someone you've never met, but have read their books/seen their movies/heard their music/etc. and feel an instant kinship, like they've expressed a part of you. i.e. Man, I floopdegad Stephen King."

(I floopdegad Lisa Loeb. Hmm.)

"Triddlebye: you find them fascinating, you respect them, you want to rip their clothes off at every opportunity, you want to spend all your time with them, you want to know everything about them, you want to write their name in the clouds and bring them the moon on a platter. i.e. Oh, Stan! I know it now! I triddlebye you, Stan! I do!"

(I do this all the time.)

"Horgendoo: someone who is perfect for you in every possible way, who you have a great time with, and who you'd be romantically involved with except for the fact that you're just not attracted to them physically and can't force yourself to be despite how wonderful you think they are. i.e. Oh, Stan, that's so sweet... but I horgendoo you."

(Do this frequently also. Actually, there was a guy on chat that had this problem.)

"Branefargen: someone who you probably wouldn't be friends with if you met them on the street and have nothing in common with, but because you were forced to be together through kinship or work or whatever that you come to care about them deeply anyway. i.e. My roommate is such a twit, but I branefargen her."

(Wow, this is me and most of my roommates and neighbors! I wonder some days just how many of them I might have been friends with if say, I had gone to high school with them. I figured not many.)

Kritzebiggle: the other side of Horgendoo... the desperate love that comes of knowing that you and someone are perfect for each other, but you just can't get them to Triddlebye you... so you do anything and everything possible to make them happy, putting them on a bigger and bigger pedestal until finally they're so uncomfortable that they start avoiding you because they feel hideously guilty for not being attracted to you when they like you so much. You spend a lot of time listening to Vanessa Williams "Saved The Best For Last" and hoping. i.e. I went to the movies with Stan, and all he talked about was how much he likes Suzie! God, this kritzebiggle is KILLING me!"

(DO THAT EVERY SINGLE BLEEPING TIME!!!!!!!)

"Vorshad: the feeling after you are dumped when the person who dumped you attains godlike status and you think you would sever an appendage to get them back. Everything about them that ever annoyed you fades into the distance. You feel as if you will never love again. i.e. Stan, now is not a good time to hit on Suzie... she's still in vorshad with Ted."

(Take a wild, wild guess.)

"Prendix: irrational jealousy when the person you dumped moves on. i.e. So what if Suzie's here with Stan? Geez, Ted, get over the prendix. She can't vorshad you forever."

(Oh, how I dream of this happening to The Moron someday. Nanny nanny boo boo.)

"Yofnid: the feeling that someone is completely wrong for you in every way, yet you find yourself powerfully attracted to them nonetheless, obsessing over them all the time and putting up with crap that you know you shouldn't be putting up with. Love you don't want to be in; love you would rid yourself of if you could. i.e. Yes, Suzie, I know he stood me up... yes, Suzie, I know I should dump him... what can I say? I'm consumed by yofnid."

(Again, EVERY SINGLE BLEEPING TIME.)

Dear Breakup Girl,

Is it a good idea to date people who you don't really like just to keep yourself socially involved and "out there"? My truest love so far broke my heart about six months ago, but I try to date most guys who ask me out even though I don't feel particularly interested in them. I'm afraid if I stop dating I will feel worse. On the other hand, sometimes it's really difficult to muster even the slightest bit of enthusiasm for any of the guys I meet. None of them lives up to the legacy of Mr. Right. What do you suggest?

-- Lisa

It is a good idea:
- to date just to keep yourself socially involved and out there.
- to accept at least one invitation, no matter what - you never know.

And finally, remember that post I did on the school newsgroup about guys that the dickhead guy responded to? (never did again, thank God) Here's another guy's take on the situation:

Well, Ms. Rutherford, you have just narrated the classical dynamics of narcissism, a character flaw that all people exhibit to some degree or another in all of their personal and professional relationships. The narcissist suffers from a superiority complex and believes that everyone else in the world exists to satisfy his or her selfish needs. In most instances, the narcissist has something that everyone else wants (i.e., sex, money, knowledge, etc.), which is what gives the narcissist his or her exagerrated feelings of self-importance.

The narcissist holds his or her "special something" out to his or her suitors as a prize to be won. And this game usually works for a while because the suitor tries extra hard (at first) to please the narcissist. Eventually, however, someone gets tired of playing this game, usually the narcissist (who finds another, more subservient suitor), the suitor gets jilted, and the search continues for Mr. Goodbar.

I've played this game many times myself, and I always win. The trick is to set appropriate boundaries so that when you are betrayed by the object of your affections--and you are *always* betrayed--that you only appear to be destroyed by the ensuing breakup. During the breakup, the object of your affection will take whatever compromising information he or she has obtained in confidence and reveal it to various people from whom you have tried to obscure it. However, if you are clever, you can find out who your real friends are by being discrete and giving equivocal and misleading information to those who have proven themselves to be untrustworthy. Honesty with oneself is what is really important: It never ceases to amaze me how much compromising information that people _think_ they know about me.

On the other hand, if you are cast in the role of the narcissist, it is imperative that you not become drunk with power. Be fair and honest with people. Let them know where they stand with you, and let them know what is expected of them. And when people fail to live up to your narcissistic ideals, don't kiss and tell: Simply forgive them for being human and get on with your own life.

Sign Me,

Never Again"

David F. Prenatt, Jr

More added on later:

"Why don't you have any fancy graphics, or frames, or neat java scripts or MIDI music on your page?
Because my page is substance, not fluff. Graphics and frames waste bandwidth and slow the download of each page. Java scripts and MIDI music are just annoying. I hate waiting for a 'starting java' message when I just want to read some information. I hate having to click on "Can't Start Midi" almost as much as I hate listening to people's lame musical selections. I have 3 graphics on my front page. Each of them are very small and quick to load. I've had as many as 5 but this pushed the limit. With frames, you get a hit for your main page, then a hit for each frame you have. If you have goofy wall paper, you have to load that too, then they make it harder to read the screen and navigate if the reader's page is a different size from the creator. Yes, it all looks neat, but I don't want people to grow old and die waiting for my page to load. It irritates me when other people do it (especially if it's something work related and have to look at and can't just hit the STOP button) so I don't do it myself. I have recently added two new gifs and. Yes, they're everywhere, however as they only take up about 1.5K total, they don't slow down the loading of the page significantly." Megan Huntsman

"I think Aaron secretly believes that I only want three bedrooms so we can start collecting sexually transmitted diseases ... er, I mean, children." Lizzie, Dear Jackie Robinson

"Why keep an on line journal? I despise skeletons in the closet. I want them walking around where I can keep my eyes on them!" Mary, a href="http://www.oocities.org/SouthBeach/Lights/5949/journal1.htm">Easy Writer

Oh, and on a personal update:
1. The girls (everyone else but me in the suite, I think) are going river rafting on Saturday. And I'm going to a play. I feel so left out alluva sudden. Why is it they do things when I'm not there? Aaaaargh!
2. However, we are going to go out Thursday night to a club =) (yes, 18 and up for the rest of us babies). =) =) =)

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© 1997 jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu

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