Tainted Lust

My Soap-Operatic Life

"Okay, so what does a teenaged girl do when she's crazy for a guy? She ignores him, and talks about him incessantly to her friends. She only looks at him when she's positive he's not looking at her. She fidgets, she stammers, she's tongue-tied and stumbles over nothing when he's around. She draws curly hearts with his initials in it on her desk. She memorizes his phone number, calls him frequently, always hangs up when he answers.

She acts as if she couldn't care whether he lived or died, yet she's always around. Somehow she's wandering mindlessly through the gym during basketball practice. She's suddenly secretary of the debating club. She's tooling her bike, no hands, down his street. She's dropped her books all over his corner.

We're still the same. Ever wonder why Paige in accounting always needs a drink of water when you do? Why every night she's in the same elevator when you go home? Paige wants you." -Cynthia Heimel

It's 1:34 as I type this, and I recently came back from the 80's dance. Had a damn good time, thanks. I boogied for about 2 1/2 hours on a nice crowded floor where I hardly knew anyone. My perfect dancing conditions (you're much more freer if you're not trying to look cool in front of your high school classmates, basically). If not for the fact that 98% of the guys there were freshmen and 1% were older and I wasn't interested in 'em, and the one person not mentioned previously couldn't give a rat's ass . . . woulda been perfect, absolutely perfect.

Sure, there are other guys around here that I think are cute. Some that I might even go for if there wasn't something missing (and it wouldn't involve cradle robbin'). One cute young'un I think was checking me out. But do I go for them? Noooo, I go for one who, trust me, doesn't give a rat's ass.

I don't mean to sound bitchy when 3/4 of me doesn't feel that way (that 3/4 is hyper as hell from the aforementioned 2 1/2 hours of dancing), but the whole guy thing just kept naggin' me in the head (and lower areas) all night.

Since that's the most soapish part of tonight, I'll get into that part of the night only for ya:

Something I've noticed about my little lookalike lust object is that he never seems to stay in the fun activities for long. Comes in, stands around, walks out. Grrrr. That boy does the best cameo appearances I've ever seen.

In keeping with the 80's dress, I wore this hot pink tie-on top, and a leotard under the top. Around maybe eleven Jensen makes his cameo of wandering into the room with Angela (the other RA, in case you forgot). I immediately strip off the hot pink top (gee, aren't I obvious? Kinda makes you wanna gag, doesn't it? Me too.) and start gyrating my lower extremities in order to look both sexy, cool, and well, hard to miss. He may have glanced over there once, and in a few minutes he and Angela leave. I mentally start growling and thinking "Dammit, he didn't see me in my skimpy little top."

I keep on dancing and dancing. We'll fast forward to around midnight, when Jensen (I wish I'd gotten around to an alias here instead of writing half-cocked. Oh well) and Angela return. A bit of explaining to do- the RA's were doing shifts of sitting around outside the dance (I'm not sure why they bothered after nobody was buying tickets, but oh well). So apparently their shift was the midnight hour. He came in sometimes, I gyrated, he never looked, I got mad. I positioned myself on the floor so that I'd have a full view of his back as he talked to the other RA's or whatever. I went out for a drink at one point hoping he'd notice me, I doubt it.

GOD, I'M SOOOO JUVENILE! Can't I ever grow out of this crap?

Okay, it's around 12:30 and people are leaving- but not me (I'm on cleanup crew) and a few other SOC's and friends. Eventually the RA's decide to trickle into the room and dance- they kinda have to drag him out at times- he dances a bit silly, but who cares? So long as you don't put any eyes out. I keep shakin' it and watching him, he ain't watchin' back if you know what I mean. He sat around with Angela sometimes and she put his arm around him- wonder if they're a couple. Can you even do that when you work together? Hopefully it's just friends (oh, come on, Jennifer, he doesn't like you, so does it even matter?)

It gets to the point where there's only a few of us SOC's left on the floor, the RA's are sitting around, they have no choice but to watch, I work it and work it. I think he looked over a few times when he wasn't talking to Angela or some other chick.

I gotta get over this crap. If he could see me dancing like that and still not like me, there's no point. I've noticed that guys are first-sighters a lot of the time too.

Other silly crap I did: threw my discarded shirts over by where his was, hoping he'd go get his when I got mine (nope), brushed by him a bit on the way out, proceeded to walk by his room (since I knew he wouldn't be in it) and read the stuff on the door. Oh yeah, and staring at him and yelling things loudly while working the Resource Fair this afternoon and he went by, trying to get attention.

I hate crushes. And this is a bad one, worst I've had since, well, let's not go there. Filled with lust mostly, but yeah, some personal interest as well. Bad sign. Wasn't it cute of me to think that I had two guys interested in me? Now nobody is (sigh). I thought he was kinda interested at first, but nooooo. Oh, I forgot to mention that I walked by him on my way in earlier tonight. No interest really, just the polite hello after I said it. Damn. And why am I so bothered by this? It'd be like dating a cop when all your friends grow weed in their backyards and you occasionally smoke some. Forces you to be law-abidin' when you don't wanna be.

Okay, I'll think of his flaws (like I know a lot of them):
He's kinda bow-legged. I have memories of a book I read in childhood featuring a bowlegged camp director who used to go on and on about how camp gives you a strong back and both limbs. In the words of his worst camper, "Obviously you didn't get to go to camp." There's lines like that all through the book ("Look, you can see the whole camp between his legs."), and I'd just think of that every time I'd see him in shorts.
While reading his door: He's got one of those signs where you put a pin in to indicate where you are to people. Goes like this, "Jensen is . . . sleeping/studying/something"- well, his had the lovely phrase of "Getting busy." Oh, gag me. So tenth grade horndog. Do I really want to be a "getting busy" piece o' meat? I don't think so.
Always out in the bars.
The whole I-can-bust-you thing.
And the real killer: He doesn't have a thing for me after all.

4:00 p.m.: I'm going to quote from an e-mail I'm sending to Mom to fill y'all in:

News for today: Went to campus today and found somebody in the office by the job listings (which I've never seen opened before), she said to ask at the Aggie if any other positions were open. So I did, and got an application! =) Also went to the Internship Center to ask about internships- she said to bring in a resume. I think I have one on file sometime at home, but I don't remember exactly where- maybe on student writing center? She said they look for "leadership positions" in clubs. I know, I know, everybody told me this- but NOW I wish I'd wanted to be president of every club and worked the goddamn fast food joints if it would get me an internship I liked- I like one for the Davis Enterprise, the UC Davis Magazine, and Davis Community TV. (in order of preference, I think). I think the center tweaks up your resumes after you bring 'em in.

Also found a lot of classes I'd love to take this year- I'll list 'em for you.

Modern dance (what I did before) Thurs. 6-7:30, Oct. 29- Dec. 3 $41
Polynesian dance Thurs. 5:15-6:30, Oct. 15- Dec. 10 $45
Aerobic kick-boxing (self-defense, kinda martial arts class) Thurs. 8-9, Oct. 13-Dec 1 $35
Intermediate screenwriting (if they get enough people this year) Tues. 7-9 $25.
Women's Words (a weekly writing group) Thurs. Oct 22- Dec. 10 6-7:30, free.
Self defense Oct. Tues or Wed. Starts 20 or 21. 6-8 $15
Fundamentals of Precious Metalsmithing (make rings, earrings, bracelets, pins, necklaces!) Wed. Oct 21-Nov 25 6:30-9:30 p.m., $77
Ring Course (make rings) Thursdays Nov 12 & 19 6-9 p.m. and Sat. Nov 14 1:30-4:30 p.m. $43
Beginning and Intermediate Crochet Wed. Oct 21-Nov 25, 5-7 p.m. $42

6:25 p.m.: Well, I did it again, folks. (Of course by now when you read that phrase you're wondering "What did she do this time?") I went off chasing Jensen again. He and Angela came by around fourish (for some group downtown farmer's market thing), and I immediately say I'll go. It was hard to resist in front of him (sigh). So I stare at him in the lobby, on the bus, on the walk over until he goes off with Angela . . . naturally this is not mutual. Then they all dump us at the market and wander off. I mentally kick myself for doing this kinda crap all the walk home. Long walk home.

Links to other sites on the Web

The GIF Animation Bits (dancer in dress)
(Gumbys)
Graphic Station (necklace, pencil)

Anyone else having a terrible crush? Got job-hunting advice? E-mail me below.

© 1997 jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu

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