All quotes today (and there will be many) that are unbilled courtesy of Cynthia Heimel.
"You know, I stay away more from the women I like than I stay away from the sluts. There was this girl I really liked, and she liked me. I got so freaked out every time I saw her I would go away. I just started acting like an asshole so she wouldn't come near me. Her smile drives me crazy." -Alan (16)I wonder if that's what up here? Aaaah, probably just my imagination."It's a lot harder to talk to a girl you really like." -Evan (16)
Hmmmm, today was actually quite pleasant. Kayda came out of her room and we talked for quite awhile about ex's (whether or not to get back with hers) and guys trolling (she's got a 30-year-old after her) mostly, also stuff on the reckless lives of the freshmen and how we don't want to be like that. Also went to dinner with her- we spent a lot of it griping about the food. And when we were walking back, Jensen, Angela, and some others I didn't know were going over. For a minute I thought I saw them holding hands (this wasn't true- paranoid hallucination again?) and I immediately started telling myself stuff like "Hey, sometimes friends hold hands." Oh brother. But anyway, I waved at them and smiled- mommy would be proud. Angela wasn't looking, but Jensen smiled back at me . . . damn, he's got a cuuuuute smile . . . that made me all happy. Ridiculous of me since it meant nothing . . . but . . . mmmmmm.
Anyway, I wrote this entry yesterday and didn't get to posting it because I went to a dance thing last night (I've seen better). I wrote it yesterday afternoon while sitting by the pool (you'll see why). It's full of musings and quotes I read from my new Cynthia Heimel book (If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?)
"Is there any way not to lose yourself? Not to want to absorb every smell, every sweat droplet, every sinew of the loved one? Is there any way to hold back, to wait until it's good and constructive and healthy, to cut your losses and walk if it's turning out weird? A way not to see things through to the bitter, nerve-jangling end?" -Loretta
I realized today that the mind of a person who is not in love or lust with someone is completely different than a person who is.Take me, for instance. Back when I didn't want anybody (for that short period of time this summer), I was practical. I said that I didn't want to fall in love, and that if, god forbid, I met anyone I wanted, I would run the hell away. I was quite sure of that. I would NOT let myself fall into the pit of bad behavior again. I was hoping someone would come along so I could show off my restraint. "Hey, send me someone so I can blow him off! Ha haaaaa!"
Then came Kiwini, actually having an interest in me (short-lived), and I went off into madness, obsession, and cuckoo fantasies. And when it of course derailed, I was pissy and upset all over again! Someone who I wasn't in love with or hadn't had more than a mild lust/summer fling thing for. As you saw, I did NOT listen to my good judgment very much. Being liked BACK just threw me off in my plans. "But he's smart, he's normal, maybe it won't work like that." Well, the joke's on me.
"In the space of thirty seconds, standing next to a total stranger, I had, in my head, fallen in love, forgiven flaws, made a commitment, moved to the country, tried to become vegetarian, and had two children. Could this constitute the world's record in insane fantasizing?Romantic fantasy kills. It's dangerous. Don't take it lightly, it can ruin your life. It will lead you to invest your emotions in the shakiest of futures. Fantasies are self-destructive."
I said to myself afterwards, "Even if they like you, avoid it! Don't do this crap again, that way leads to madness!" I estimate that I'm 3/4 insane and falling for anybody else will probably drive me over the edge. Rationally I knew I had made a mistake. Understandable really, since when I had made my plans of behavior I hadn't esxpected it to be mutual. I still don't have a plan as to what to do if someone goes for me too.
"Try and make a science of romance one minute, the next minute you're checking into a loony bin."
And so I came to school and fell in lust. Bad lust. Lust I haven't felt for . . . well, over a year now. May even be worse. And I'm not even in love with the guy. I'm not, I'm not, don't think I really could (he's too smart), thank God. And I'm about 95% sure it isn't mutual, so how I should be behaving to avoid trouble is pretty damn clear.So why am I not doing it????
With a few exceptions, most of my movements around this building have been directed to catching the eye of Jensen. You should have seen me today as the bus pulled up in front and he was out on the sidewalk- my head did this perfect cinematic slow-mo twist and sigh as I looked at him. Silly. I am not in a movie. And right now as I write this I'm sitting by the spa in the courtyard outside, sneaking glances upwards in hopes of catching a glimpse of him going around the hall (seen him twice). Oh, and I'm vaguely pondering when I was going downstairs and saw him on the first floor and he looked at me- not a quickie glance or long stare, but a few seconds of glimpse until he turned the corner for sure- and if that was anything (no!). In short, I've attempted sensibility a few times, but most of the time I don't bother!
What the hell's up with me? When I've got a thang going, I don't control myself I can but I won't, even knowing this is not something to pursue. I keep up the futile chase to the point of idiocy if need be. Why is my rational desires-of-preventing-destruction mind always superceded by my irrational desirous body ruled by that fatal feminine biology? I mean, my mind has almost no chance of fighting back. It's sick.
And I'm still pretty sure the guy's not interested. And it would not be good if he were. I'm attracted to him, he will be a jerk, plus all the dorm stuff that really makes it bad.
Yet I can do nothing but pursue him to the point of madness.
I need help.
"No matter what our brains say, our bodies will do anything, anything to get laid. It's bigger than all of us.The more we try to deny the sex drive, to pretend it isn't there, the worse we will be destroyed."
Been chatting it up on ICQ a lot since I finally got the thing downloaded, and I've been having this one conversation about my interpretation that Jensen doesn't have a thing for me back. He thinks this idea of mine that he's not may be a low self-esteem thing- that I assume automatically that everyone hates me. I disagreed . . . but well, on later thinking, maybe he's right. I think I go more on the law of averages in my outlook. I don't think that everyone upon meeting me hates me, I think they're neutral or like me unless proven otherwise. But when it's with a lust object, well, with a few exceptions, it's been the exact opposite! They don't like me back, mostly, it's what I'm used to and expect. And I have to see some pretty damn clear signs before I change opinions for sure.
"My new rule is to never believe a person is interested until you feel his tongue down your throat."
"Heimel's Law: Anything you fantasize about won't come true."(Okay, with Kiwini and Jensen I did/do care (at least a little) about them personally.)
Is it possible to just have a lust-filled fling between two people who lust after one another without anyone developing a thing for anyone else?
(Sigh) I don't think so either, really. Dr. Drew says no. Damn.
"You got laid? Congratulations."
"A guy I hardly knew. And now I think I'm madly in love with him and I might die if he doesn't come through the door this second and I want to have his children."
"Just because he had his dick in you? Jesus, am I glad I'm not a broad." -Brendan and Cleo"Even if the sex is bad, for at least a nanosecond we believe that it's destiny and marriage and true love forever. And if the sex is great, we're total goners. Look at me. Yesterday I was simply horny. Today I am obsessed. It's some kind of biological imperative." -Cleo
"For women sex always has consequences." -Herb
"But now at least, after reading, I know what kind of man I must look for: a guy who doesn't excite me with passion, who doesn't make my blood run thick with lust and longing. A guy who will be my pal, who approves of me and supports me and who is not afraid of his feelings.I know this is right, because I feel the same aversion that I feel about eating beansprouts. I want Mallomars, I want troublesome men."
"Why won't my passion attach itself to that nice flower-bringing maniac who appears whenever I want him to on my doorstep, who I could never fuck in a million years, instead of to this, well Jesus, you should just have a look at him yourself and you'll see what I mean." -Loretta
But later I thought back on all the dates I've been on which were just like that. I was a cold fish to most of them. And that one jerk who jumped me . . . my body was engaged in the obligatory behavior and my mind was going, "Can I go home now?" I felt like a child being molested and ran home to shower. If I could have jumped out of my body then I would have, I felt like I'd contracted the cooties.Reminds me of my first boyfriend. This is a story I don't tell (it's terrible). I always said when I was a child that my first boyfriend would be a guy who I'd love, I wouldn't jusdt have one for appearances or whatever. And that was NOT how it came out- I felt so disgusted. That date was my ex to the hundredth power.
Frankly, I just can't enjoy myself physically with the guy if I have no desire to make out with him, even if his personality is wonderful. Which is a point to ponder- if the old guy had been my age and cute, would I have liked him? I'm not sure, not sure I want to know the answer to that, if I would have been responsive to his jumpiness.
I just spent an hour and a half waiting for Jensen to come back out of Angela's room. This was just stupid. I went by her room on my way back up- the blinds were all drawn up there, and I could hear him talking, I think. Maybe they were having a meeting or something.
"Please help with this problem. I'm going to go throw up out the window now." -Loretta
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