I Suck

My Soap-Operatic Life

"I know if I'm attracted to you you're probably not good for me."

"People wouldn't fall in love if it were more clearly marked." -Button slogans

Okay, we'll get to that crap later. I was going to do an entry last night, but got caught up in getting Cute FTP to work so I can upload my entries for Spotfans when I get my spot worked out. I was working on a post for that too, but it's not the best, so I may alter that. It sounds quite like what I wrote yesterday- NOT in a good mood.

This stuff here is all dealing with yesterday, i.e. "Jen Feels Like Crap Day."

Ever have one of those days where you are just so sick of having your life? You hate all your problems, none of them are solveable, and you can't leave the state and get away from them?

That was me, yesterday. It started out kinda weird- I had this dream that I was in a flood with Bill Gates and he told me he loved me (hey, why do ya think he named his daughter Jennifer? Hmmm? ;)) My dreams haven't been great the past few days. I don't remember this a.m.'s (not AS bad's all I know), but before Bill I dreamed of Hardeep (before he became psycho), and before that I dreamed Kiwini was stalking me. Not good. Anyway, the sad feeling I had upon waking was, "I miss having someone to hold me." When you are not finding it unpleasant (not pleasant really either though) to be held by Bill Gates, you know you're getting desperate.

And on that cheery start . . . while waiting for the bus I open the Aggie (no link, they don't deserve a link) and discover that they've hired all the columnists. No, they never called me. I had my suspicions when I didn't hear from them- I told Demma that and she's all, "Think positive!" Hah. And I thought I was a shoo-in . . . as my ego smacks back to earth again.

Seriously, this is reminding me of high school play auditions- I was dying to get in, never did. Will I never get into this in four years either? I don't know if I will apply next year, if I'll bother. Mom got pissed off at me for not calling her on Sunday (so bite me, I forgot), and after I told her the news, nagged me to go ask them why I didn't get hired. I can't tell you how much I'd just loooove to go down there and go, "Please, sir, why do I suck?" no matter how much of a good idea it is to do so. I told Mom I might e-mail and ask.

That afternoon they had a resume-writing workshop that I went to, and got completely depressed when the lady said you couldn't put anything from high school on your resume. When I asked about this, she started going off on how I should put my McDonald's job down as experience. I don't know WHERE she got that idea. I've never worked anywhere, and the last place a long-haired, easily-nauseous chick should be working is a food joint. I am just kicking the shit out of myself because I have NOTHING for a resume. I should have bit the bullet and worked at Ye Olde Crappie Foode Jointe after all. (Demma and Anna, just KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT. I am NOT in the mood to hear it out of you.)

Art class (design class, I mean- pretty much the same thing!) started out badly and ended rather pleasantly. We had to copy this ugly drawing upside down and blown up to 18X24. He's going around telling people theirs are good . . . he gets to mine and goes, "Whoops." Makes me start over and then says we have five minutes yet. Then he makes everyone look at everyone else's. Ick. However, my homework drawings went over pretty well (most people's didn't). The one ego boost, I forcast a B or B+.

Also, we get out of class early, and surprise, Jensen (maybe I should put an alias here in case any Davis people find this place. That name is pretty specific.) was at the bus stop. I tried to ignore him (reading my book), but tried to be sneaky too in getting on after him (I figured I could sit behind him and check him out). He sat in the very back. Foiled again, I sat in the middle and tried to sneak sideways glances (didn't work). I could hear him talking to some girl in the building he'd just met, and I was kicking myself for not sitting close so I could have been the one he was talking to. I felt a twinge of jealousy there- and I'm almost NEVER jealous- not good, Jen, not good. I get off the bus at the same time as him- "Sorry." "Sorry." I try to lurk around the lobby while he talks to the RA on desk duty.

This is just STUPID. I am driving myself NUTS over the guy who doesn't give a crap. I have GOT to stop!

I think that this is a lust made in hell! I mean, could it get ANY worse, short of him being gay? Let's see, he looks a lot like someone I used to want and didn't really get, only cuter; he works in my building (so not only can I not avoid him in a way, it would suck if we broke up) and it might not be the most legal to date him; we have opposite interests and personalities; and naturally, he doesn't like me back!!!! I think somebody hates me up there, I really do. I wish this lust would just go the fuck away.

Today's stuff: Sometimes you hear stories that just put it all in perspective for you. Like today in English where this one girl told this story about how when her dad got in a horrible accident at work (she's one of 4 kids), she dropped out of high school at 16 to join Americorps, figuring they couldn't afford to send her to college. Americorps was such sheer hell that she nearly committed suicide by jumping off the freeway (she wound up in the psych ward), and was just so totally distraught even after she got out, until she made these friends that really helped her and went to a j.c. and now she's at Davis and her dad's doing okay and she's engaged. I had tears in my eyes by the end.

I haven't had it that crappy yet, thank God. (Although it's getting nearer.)

In the continuing tale of Jennifer's Stalking Adventures . . . After English I completely forgot what day it was (Tues. I have a class 1/2 hour later, Thurs. I don't) and started heading to the bus stop via the library. Jensen had just gotten off the bus apparently, because he was going in my direction. I'm cool, pretend not to see him and go on my way.

Which of course is when I remember that I can't go home. So I turn around and see him going off with Angela. I kinda follow them out & head diagonally across the quad as they go up the street, sneaking glances at them as I go, until they kinda look in my direction and I pretend to be innocent. Stupid.

I was all excited today going home because last week he was on my bus as I went home . . . he wasn't today, and I was so pissed. Sometimes I loathe myself.

Links to other sites on the Web

Graphic Station (bus, tear, eyes)
By Design (evil)

Maybe the devil made me do it, or maybe I'm just a moron myself. E-mail below.

© 1997 jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu

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