"I wish the real world would just stop hassling me." -Matchbox 20 (Jensen's favorite band- NOT)Depressed again, and it's only 10 a.m. (sigh) Does anyone else ever do this, get incredibly sick of their life? I am so damn tired of being Jennifer Rutherford with Jennifer Rutherford's problems and life. And her little personality quirks, like being a colossal wimp. Why can't I just go be somebody happy for a day or so? I saw a card in a store that said "out of all the people in the world, you have been chosen to be YOU!" or something like that, and I thought, "God, what terrible thing did I do to deserve THAT?"
I am so tired of having good things turn to crap. I am tired of things always getting WORSE and never better. I am tired of people telling me to "be happy." It's not a light switch, people. If I COULD just "be happy" I would, duh. Demma keeps saying to be positive . . . well, when I've been positive, things go badly. When I'm negative, things either go slightly better or go on as usual. And I can't just NOT think about what's going to go on. I can't go around spreading love and joy and happiness, because I don't have any of that. I'm sorry, I can't please anybody.
Victor said something that stuck in my head on ICQ- "Why don't you just talk to him?"
Good point.
I'm shy.
Can't flirt, don't want to. Can't act that dumb and sexually implying with serious intent.
Like I said, we have nothing in common (hence why I go to everything that's SUPPOSED TO GO ON around here looking for something to talk to him about), I don't know what to say.
I was watching Dawson's Creek again and there was this one scene where Abby (the school ho, hate her) and Jen (looking to be ho #2?) are sitting at a cafe, checking out the hunk at the next table. Anyway, Abby just up and starts talking to the guy, asks his name, gives hers, asks him questions, invites him over, etc, etc ... and while she didn't get anywhere, I kept thinking "Damn, she's got nerve." I could never just go up to someone and start talking, it's too obvious for me. God forbid the guy figure out I like him and it not be mutual, gasp! Can't stand that!
Why is it that for a day things will seem as if they are looking up or going somewhere, and then they just crap the hell out on me? Every fucking time.
I throw this big fit about how I want to be here for Halloween, and what am I going to do tomorrow? You know and I know the answer is NOTHING!!! Nobody to go around with this year. Me sulking and hiding from my more popular roommates. Embarrassment and boredom. Watching Sarah Michelle Gellar doing "Videos that Don't Suck" with the rest of the nerds. What would I do at home? Sit and watch TV and also be bored. There is no difference in my life.
I've got a midterm in 40 minutes, and while right now I'm not thinking it'll be too hard, when I actually get the thing it probably will be. That always happens. I normally like this subject and find it pretty easy, but when there's a midterm- who the fuck cares????
After the midterm I go to work in the haunted house, setting stuff up. Then back here to put my costume on (I'll need the bathroom to do the makeup and hair, for quite a while . . . makes you wonder how the bitches will handle it, huh?) I'm not looking forward to THAT. But at least I'll be out of the house for a few hours tonight. Longer if I go to the costume party in Tercero- which I probably won't unless everyone else doing the house goes, as I won't know anyone else.
1:00 update: When I got home at noon, saw Jensen going to the DC. I go down a few minutes later (I was going to anyway). Don't stare, don't drool, ignore him and talk to Simone (one of the SOC's). Did sit where he could see me pretty well though. When I finally left he was still in there, so I go back to my room, get backpack and blanket, and go lie out by the pool so I can see him come in. I was on my back reading when he finally did- he looks over at me, but it was kinda mean-looking (yes, again probably my imagination). I wave at him but he doesn't see it. He goes into his place, leaves a few minutes later. Then I leave the pool area, vaguely annoyed.
Midnight update: Well, the night went better than the rest of my life's been going!
Worked on the haunted house decor for hours, but it was rather entertaining.
While I was there, another guy showed up that I hadn't seen at previous meetings, Sean. Sean (what a hot name: all the Seans I've met in recent years were hot), I noticed, was another Moron lookalike. Brown hair, blue eyes, same frame. Face was kinda the same and yet different, but I can't really nail why, deepset eyes (blue, again) I guess. Yes, it's a pattern: I'm now quite attracted to people who look like The Moron. Yikes. Well, this afternoon I wasn't hugely attracted to him, just checking him out. He was wearing overalls- real odd for a guy my age unless they're in a farmer outfit for school. But kinda interesting for me to observe anyway.
My costume: I look FABULOUS with black hair, goth-ish makeup, and a sexy black witch dress. Loverly. If only Jensen had gotten to see it . . . oh well. I looked great, people had a hard time recognizing me, and I LOVED IT. I could go around like this every day. (Got to be a different person finally, yay!) I only wish I could dress up again tomorrow. Especially after all the haunted house people kept asking what I was going to do tomorrow (sigh, probably NOTHING.)
Working the house: The first 45 minutes I was a "tickler"- hiding in the wall and reaching out to tickle the kids or spray them with water. Sounds easier/more fun than it was- I couldn't SEE the kids very well to grab at 'em (and I was told to not grab the little ones, which made it harder), plus they wouldn't go right by the wall, or just run. Helpful. I loved the one tour guide (out of three) who told the kids to go against the wall! (More on this later)
As for the kids, well, there weren't as many as we were told would be there- the same bunch of kids went in OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. They beat up on the body parts (one girl was an ugly head, one was a disembodied head), weren't scared of most stuff, and kept acting like jerks. Aaaargh. The second half I did my witch duties at the punch bowl, but there was hardly any punch left.
Anyway, I mentioned the guide who told the kids to go by the wall: Well, from what I could see, that guide was the one in white makeup and a black wig. When I got outside at the second half, I saw the guy clearly. And he was CUTE. That makeup and the wig, I don't know why, made him INCREDIBLY HOT to me. (The costume turned out to be the Crow.) He looked so good and cool. It took me a while to figure out that was Sean. Quite a while. Anyway, well, whoo hoo hoo. Yum. (Made me wonder for a moment what The Moron would wear on Halloween, but forget that)
Cut to the end of the night, when everyone's talking about going to the party in Leach (it's another dorm, kinda like this one for returners/grad students). Most of the people at the house live there. Sean goes, "Anybody need a ride over?" I did! So he introduced himself, said he was a good driver, I got shotgun (it's all good!). Hang around the lounge for awhile until people start coming to the party- I was amazed that people actually CAME to the party in Leach. We can't get people to do jack shit in Castilian. And the people were nice . . . heck, maybe I should move over there. Sean brought his stereo over, lots of good music (HE liked matchbox 20!), good taste, actually DANCED . . . that's something that really turns me on in guys: that they are willing to dance. I don't care if they suck, just get out there and move and have fun. The guy was hot. I was dancing good. Had a good time. Okay, so I'll never see the guy again after tonight and he didn't say goodbye to me or anything (i.e. not interested, sigh), but it made my night entertaining, and reminded me that there are other (albeit lookalike to The Moron) guys out there to lust after besides Jensen who's annoying me.
E-mail me a Happy Halloween greeting at the address below.
© 1997 jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu
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