Antisocial Girl

My Soap-Operatic Life

"Sometimes I like being antisocial. Sometimes I'm just too lazy to pick up the phone and call people. Sometimes I just like to be by myself. Especially when I come home from college, because at school, I am hardly ever alone."

"I am trying, really trying to be more social than I was last year. But I guess I tend to hole up in my room with my computer a lot. I need to. It helps. I shut people out." -Terra

Well, such a do-nothing day.

Started the day off drawing AGAIN. I wasted a half-hour trying to find some landscape with four different kinds of trees, NOT lined up next to each other (uh, ever noticed how people PLANT trees? Next to each other!), etc, etc. Did that for hours in Oxford Circle Park (it's the park between where I used to live and where I live now).

Note on Castilian life: We have our own DC (since our building is the farthest off-campus), and Oxford Circle (where my old buildings are) has it's own DC for the three dorms there. Well, they close the Castilian DC on weekends, forcing us to go over to OCDC then. People go from Castilian to that DC through the park. Get the picture?

I'm drawing (well, actually painting with india ink, but I'm just gonna call it "drawing", that's much shorter) at a picnic table when I see Jensen and some chick I don't know go by me. He doesn't look at me, he's telling the girl something about going to the Seattle Science Center and that's when he got interested in science . . . I'd be saying "How sweet!" except I was kinda annoyed at being ignored 'cause he didn't look over at me (not that I saw anyway, I WAS trying to draw). I'm still annoyed with him for Thursday.

Alana (from social committee) came by a few minutes later and I talked to her. About a half-hour later Jensen and (I think) the other chick and Alana come by on their way back. No, he doesn't look at me, but I wasn't looking the whole time to tell. I was kinda kicking myself that I hadn't gone over with Alana (or had her nerve to talk to the guy), even though thanks to my damn drawing I couldn't do that anyway.

A bit after that a guy who lives a few doors down from me came by.

Previous information- at that ice cream party a while back I was talking to him and a bunch of other guys. However, I have no recollection whatsoever of his name. I keep thinking it's "Manuel" (he just seems like one, no, not a racial stereotype), but I don't think that's his actual name. However, I will refer to him by that name until I find out what it is. I've talked to him a few times in passing since then, nothin' deep or outstanding.

Well, he checks out my picture, chit chat, then he goes to lunch. Passes by about a half-hour later and starts talking to me, which is fine, right?

Surprisingly though, he hangs around for about two hours (until it started raining, ending my doing homework for the day, dammit!). I mean, it go to the point where neither of us had anything to say, and he still hung around.

Well, if that's not a crush kinda thing, then what is? I'd like to think it wasn't, that he was just bored/not wanting to be home, but well, how could I think that, realistically? Nope, doesn't happen.

Is the guy cute, you ask. How old. Etc. Cute: well, yeah, but in what I call a "technical" way (can't say he isn't cute, but I'm not hugely turned on). He might be a freshman or soph, I can't remember that either. Ugh. No, I don't have a thing for him really. Would date him if he asked, would probably enjoy it in a pleasant way, but wouldn't care particularly if I ever saw him again. Kinda like Pool Boy.

Damn, I HATE when people get things for me that I just can't get worked up about. I feel so bad that I don't. I was glad that nobody had developed an unmutual thing for me this year. But guess that's over now. Dammit.

On a UCD newsgroup this guy did this long list of stuff that sucks, and I felt compelled to add my suggestions to the list, including "People liking you when not only is it not mutual, you don't even remember what their name is sucks." And one chick put after that:

"Find out their name. I think that a guy shows amazingly good taste when he likes "me". You should make a point of liking people that like "you". It's a definite sign that they have a clue. In fact you may find that such people are actually a better class of humanity than those that don't have enough sense to like you.

Besides, it is much easier to have a relationship with someone who has the sense to like you than it is to have one with someone who doesn't!"

At this point I'd like to put up a link to a journal I found tonight, which I really related to (and will probably quote more of). I liked her opening here, which I so sympathize with. Obviously, or else I wouldn't be home typing this, right? She lives in a suite too (and doesn't always get along with her suitemates), too.

No, I am doing nothing this Halloween. Didn't get off my ass and call the boys like I claimed I would- I figured they'd be doing nothing also anyway, and I just didn't feel up to it without Sarah around to liven things up as she always does (I like to have someone else around who's not technically obsessed). Kayda's here too, Megan and Chelsea have been preparing to go out since I got home, I think (2:30).

Something I've meant to bring up in here is that lovely guilt I've got about not talking to Cathy in ages (remember that from this summer?) After the short little phone call, I haven't talked to her or written- I even bought a card to do it, but haven't filled it out. I don't feel like I have anything to say to her. Not like I don't have stuff going on (although I don't think I should get into all the crush crap), but . . . I feel terrible that I haven't been better, and it's almost November.

Then I read this entry by the same journaler about her experience. And I so sympathize. What to do when you still like the person, but just don't feel like trying to keep up? I feel sooooo sleazy- and I AM! Isn't that lovely, I don't have to be told by anybody else that I'm a shit this time.

Something else I was going to mention about low self-esteem. You're not born thinking you're scum- you acquire the mental image that you're scum because other people tell you that. In my case, getting into high numbers. And even years later one person can chime in and make you feel about

this big

This part here's just links I'm too lazy to put in their normal section:

Sadie is married at the age of seventeen and still in high school. Reading this I was just so amazed at the contrast between what I'm used to and what she's used to.

And finally, just remember that I told you not to click there!

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