"She states herself that Gramps was always there for her to confort her when she had problems. Yet when Gramps is dying in Breaking Away, Jen is more concerned about her lovelife than about Gramps. She even uses Gramp's death as an excuse to get into bed with Dawson. Grams is forced to deal with Jen's "important" lovelife at a time when she is already grieving the death of her husband." I Hate Jen Web PageSarah and Hardeep have work today. I wonder how that's going.
I'm still feeling flipped out. Tried doing "normal" stuff- surf the Web (found the thing above and it hit me in the gut. What am I doing, is today's theme), eat, sleep, but I don't feel normal. I went to bed about 4 a.m. and slept until 10. I still want to just curl up on my bed and take a nap . . . I should be doing my drawing homework (I've got 5/6 of one left to do), but again, don't feel like it. I never do, but now I REALLY don't want to . . . I can't care about a goddamn drawing right now. I'm thinking of e-mailing D.R. and claiming domestic disturbance prevented me from doing it, but uh, I don't think that will work. I'm dreading the old "How was your weekend?" on Monday. I just curled up on my bed this afternoon and wanted someone to hug me . . . that's what sucks about college, unless you've got a boyfriend there's no one to do that. The only one doing that at any time really now is Mom, and well, I don't think I want to get into why I want to be held this time. And no, I did not go up to Jensen's and start crying and whining to be held. I have not stooped that low.
Pretty low, but not that low.
For the record, I am feeling schizzed out by this. Still. It seems as if I'm just milking someone else's tragedy (Jen-esque) to be more upset about this- it's not my tragedy, I'm just a witness- but I still am weirded out. Felt slightly better about this when Jensen said it was more of a shock to me because I hadn't seen it before and she had. Hmmm. I'm not sure if I should tell the parents or not- more like, will this creep out of me anyway if I tell, and what do I say if they ask about Sarah? Really, that one's the biggie. And how do I explain NOT telling them that earlier?
Yes, I went over to see Jensen. Yes, I am a bit motivated in that I have a crush on him. BUT- and I know that's hard to believe, coming from me- I did want to talk to someone, in person, and well, nobody around to do that with. Okay, in my mind I know that I am kinda funked out. But the guilty voice whispers in the back that I am once again using tragedy to milk my nonexistent love life. Not the evil lust voice so much, but the "shouldn't you be ashamed of yourself for milking this" voice. My version of "picking up on him"?
Once I finally got up the nerve, I went over there, and he was putting up papers on the bulletin board by his room. So fine, I talk to him out there. Saying that I'm still kinda out of it, etc. We go inside his place (living room, not what you thought, right?) and I comment on stuff: my wondering if I'll make it into the Davis Police Briefs (he didn't think so- then again, he thought it's all propaganda, that they don't put anything serious in there so everyone thinks that Davis is a safe town. Whatever), how weird it was to be able to think of stuff off topic of something horrible (note that I didn't say WHAT I thought about). He thought it was some kind of stress thing and told me about how when he was a lifeguard this summer he got a dose of chlorine gas and went in an ambulance and what he was concerned about was that they didn't put the siren on! How I don't want to tell the parents (he kinda thought I shouldn't), something I forgot to mention before- back when S&H first started going out, he gave her this picture of himself (yes, I did snoop- I was wondering who that was) and on the back was all this mushy (Jensen's word- "codependent") stuff about how he found his soulmate and how so long as she never left him everything would be okay- warning sign! This got into a thing about how stuff is foreshadowed, but nothing happened like that, people don't act like that in public, but in private (I felt embarrassed that I'd peeked at that- first time ever, I swear, I normally don't snoop through people's stuff like that), I then start going off on how this hits me with the family problems (Dad's temper and how you can't reason with him, etc,), saying stuff that I'm not supposed to tell anybody (haven't even here)- hmmm. I go off for a while, he listens, I figure that his eyes are this bluish hazel (okay, I know you're gagging now), etc. Then he has to finish doing all those fliers (putting them up on the bulletin boards), has me go along with him. So I follow him like a puppy dog as he does this, but sadly by this point I really don't have much else to say. I said as much (he didn't mind, but okay, that probably fell into the category of that was his job too), and that I just didn't want to go back home- and while I know that sounds like some big lie thing of mine- and yes, I would do that sort of thing if necessary to stick around a guy, heck, I might have in the past, I can't really remember- I really meant it this time. Ah, the contradictions between flipped-out-me and devious me.
Oh, and I got to see his room at one point (you never see it, window's always closed- hmmm, like mine), I found out it's because he's a slob too (oh, yay), stuff all over the floor. I said mine was about the same, but the floor stuff is all over the furniture. A bit more in common.
So, I'm reading the stuff on his door as he's doing the bulletin board by his room (he took all the deep thoughts down, sigh), and once again look at that sign on his door I mentioned ages ago- the one that says "Jensen is . . . (studying, eating, et al.)" and "Getting busy" is one of the choices? Well, I noticed it had been crossed out. I start laughing at it, and I find out that all the RA's are supposed to have one of those on their doors, and he just photocopied one Vik (another RA- one I wouldn't have expected THAT remark from) wrote up, and well, that was on there. I follow him like a puppy (REALLY like a puppy) around the building while he puts papers up. At one point we're in a stairwell (just a general inspirational thing billboard) and see this one about "when you meet a homosexual". I read the first line- "Don't run away screaming- it's rude" and start cracking up. It felt good to laugh, strange though. He liked the last line, something I don't remember about it being too hard to do something, ending in "Think about that one REAL hard . . . " I always like lines like that too. He also points out his favorite one up there, about what it would be like if a chick were president, chicks were 8-1 on Supreme Court, etc, and how guys would be whining about not being able to ejaculate or something like that (ending in them yelling "Our bodies, our choice!")
After all that I ask him if chicks were the same size as guys and didn't have the whole period/incapacitated for nine months thing going, would guys be beating up on girls. He actually answered this interestingly . . . said yes because they have all that testosterone. Gets into this whole thing about how employers don't want employees who are going to take a few years off for kids, so they'll hire men . . . in all honestly I agree with this. After that he had to do errands, and I was going to leave anyway (well, shoot, I really didn't have much else to milk/say), he said I could come back tonight, but I don't think I will, just getting too ridiculous and I don't have anything else to say about it, I think. Besides, I have to do my drawing (since I STILL haven't done it, I came back here and typed this up.)
Not a lot of romantic friction or anything like that going on- although to be honest, I am still not entirely in the mood for that. Oh hell, I don't know, I gotta quit doing this and draw the stupid picture. Oh whoopee.
Midnightish update: Am actually talking to Megan again, I think- at least, she didn't critique my bathroom cleaning this week and was pretty friendly over this scented candle she brought in- she thought I'd squeal on her- hell no, who am I to judge, I said. Had to tell her what went on when she got in. Chelsea came in later- got all pissed off that the door was locked, bangs on my window- I knew I should tell her, but didn't want to when she was that bitchy- then Megan started screaming "CHELSEA!!!!" and well, I got off the hook, I think- although I did hear Megan mention later that I'd brought a psycho in here- oh, great.
Called Sarah tonight but got their machine- boy, was I creeped out to hear his voice- left message but didn't hear back from her. I hope that's because she went to bed early (I called at 9 though) or was out real late or went home- basically anything other than dead.
Mom called tonight. Oh joy. She asked how my weekend was (I tried to distract her from this question, but to no avail), I couldn't think of what to say, and wound up spilling most of the story. Surprisingly, she wasn't as bad as I figured she would be- no forbidding me to see Sarah, although she said that Dad would have said that- the part SHE was worried about was like my worry over retribution/him coming back here, but magnified by ten or so- that he'd stalk me to get to her, things like that I won't even get into. It went on for a while. She's pretty damn paranoid about the whole thing, worried that I'll get in the middle, REALLY worried that Hardeep will kill Sarah (hence my fear now), stuff like that. She was glad I was trying to help her though (she used the words "stand up for her", but I don't think that's right.) Then she went on for awhile about how "things happen for a reason"- i.e. Dad's breaking his arm in thirteen places gave him a break from work, his retiring when he did got him a bonus, etc. ike that. Which sort of reminded me of what I was thinking last night that I was soooo glad that Jensen had been the one working the front desk- and not just that he's my crush either. I mean, how much of a fluke was THAT? That he'd be covering the desk that night when he wasn't supposed to so that I'd get to talk to him (several times).
No, I did not go back there tonight, I had my drawing to do . . . although I wanted to go back there after finishing talking to Mom (now that I have all these paranoid fears of Sarah dying lurking in my head). But, I had my drawing to do (I only finished it 'round midnight), and I shouldn't just keep hanging around the guy all the time crying traumatic experience (Maybe tomorrow after the pizza party tomorrow?). He's not my friend, he's not my boyfriend (groan), no matter how bloody attracted to him I am and want him to be, he's just playing shrink to me in person (unlike my Internet shrinks) because it's his job and well, he was around for my fallout. I shouldn't humor myself that he's in lust back (I almost typed in "love." Oh my God. No no no, Jen, we're not going to do this love thing again, just because he's being nice to Crisis Girl doesn't mean you can do that! It's only pure lust! Stay with that thought.) with me right now, as I am still feeling even needier than usual. I don't think he would anyway would be my guess, since I've lost the last two I've been interested in to work . . . this would be even worse about it, somehow I don't think he'd be making a move on me. Maybe never after this crisis thing- that was my other thing about "it all happening for a reason"- that the dissolvement of one couple would lead to the formation of another- yeah, so going to happen. But really, could he do that after this? From now on I'll be the nutso girl with the screwed-up family life and nutso friends (I told him so much stuff I shouldn't have) who follows him around, not someone dateable. I mean, can you even be attracted to someone so much in this kind of situation? It seems sleazy to me even as I do it- and while I feel messed up the lust thing really isn't as bad as it's been, I think it's coming back. Oh my God.
© 1997 jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu
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