Cluster Fuck

My Godawful Icky Frightening Life

"I'm all for chaos." -TOGA
"All applications for pleasant, non-hellish lives will be accepted and rejected at this email address."
"I think you might find that while pleasant, non-hellish life is great, you get real bored real quick." - -Matthew Talbott
"Yeah, but believe me, boredom looks REAL good when you've just spent the weekend on the phone to the cops and your friend's parents telling them that your friend's husband is beating on her again." -Me
"You write like a big pair of puppy-dog eyes, looking up at us weepily." -Remington Stone

Here's to a calm life . . . may I SOMEDAY have one that doesn't feature crap blowing up in my face every ten minutes and people being utter imbeciles.

For those who have forgotten what a "cluster fuck" is, (and I don't rememeber where it was that I put up the definition on the page), it's when all this shit is going wrong.

I hate it when I wake up from a dream that went sooooo much better than real life, to the point where you wish your dream was real life and not what actually happened being real.

I dreamed last night that I went down to the desk and talked to Jenen and he was sooo nice about the whole thing, plus there was some other vaguely romantic stuff I can't remember now that the alarm's gone off. It was so lovely to be listened to and all that.

Then of course, I wake up and remember that in real life the jerk can't bother to tell me to come back tomorrow or nothing, and I'm growling mad again! I mean, even BESIDES being mad at Sarah for being a fucking idiot and being scared, I've got someone else to be mad at. Remember all that love crap I was spouting? Over, babe. Anger will do that to you. (*In future when I'm not so mad, I must remember: Being horrendously pissed off at a guy's behavior is the one thing that kills this shit). I'm still mentally growling my head off, the only reason I'm not doing it physically is that I don't want to be mistaken for wild bear.

Oh, and I asked Breakup Girl about all of this and get this e-mail.

You're right, this is really bad. Bad enough for BG to write you directly and recommend this: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 800 799 SAFE. I know they are qualified to advise family and friends in these situations, including those who have "tried everything." I know you had more nuanced questions, but I think you should pose them to the hotline folks. Run, don't walk to the phone.
Bless your heart for not giving up.
Good luck.
Love,
Breakup Girl

(Later in the day)And my mother wonders why I don't trust anyone or have any faith in people?

Is there anyone in the entire world who is not an idiot or an asshole or a mix of both???? Serious question. Because EVERYONE I KNOW, I think, has become one of the two.

Let's see . . . Sarah's become an idiot, Hardeep is an asshole. Jensen appeared to be nice and just came out as an asshole. Mike appeared to have a good side and just did an asshole thing (which reminds me, gotta call him about this). Anna won't talk to Demma anymore and Demma's mad about it (Anna, what is up with this?). Even I'm being an asshole for not talking to certain people anymore.

Is ANYONE who seems nice NOT going to be an asshole???

Nothing horrible's happened to me today YET, but my mood is so hungover from yesterday. I am very frustrated that I didn't get to rant to Jensen. Okay, so I've got a ton of crisis #'s and long-distance numbers of SFU people (albeit Dad would kill me for the bill), but I'd rather do it in person. And I realized that I was treating him like The Moron, using a friendly, nice-SEEMING cute guy to rant to, the only differences being that a. Jensen had brain cells, and b. I didn't get any, uh, physical stuff to go with it. But just like The Moron (and please don't tell me that they're not all like my ex. I will believe that only if someone acts differently for once), he listened to a little and then became a jerky bailout. Asshole. I'm not gonna talk to YOU ever again. And if social committee meetings were still going on I wouldn't go any more either.

One slightly calmer bit of clarification: No, this doesn't so much have to do with my romantic feelings for him. I wasn't feeling at all romantic last night, believe me. This is just a lack of decency that REALLY pisses me off.

Something else I want to mention that Toga said to me today and my response:

T: "After that choose a boyfriend post, I think you deserve someone being nice to you!"
J: "Yeah, but will I GET that, is the big question . . . don't get what you deserve in life. (Yes, I'm kinda in a bad mood, if you couldn't guess. That and the RA I like blew me off yesterday and I'm quite pissed. How hard is it to say, "Come back tomorrow, I gotta work tonight?" so I don't hang around waiting for all that time? What a maroon.)"

Some more stuff from ucd.life:

"Damn, you go girl! You tell him! Negativity rules >:)" -Matt Spinetta

The guy above also goes by DarkPRiSM for some unknown reason, he's the other griper on the newsgroup . . . which, I suppose, prompted the next one . . .

"Sounds like DarkPRiSM might be bucking to fill in that vacancy... of course, I can see his point. You write like a big pair of puppy-dog eyes, looking up at us weepily." -Remington Stone

What the hell does that mean? But no, no Internet trolling going on here. He's too old and makes himself out to be a big loser anyway.

Oh, and guess what. I called Mike tonight to see if he'd talked to Sarah. He did, two days ago . . . she'd already had him move back in then. My God. He seemed to be taking it in stride, unlike well, me.

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