The A-Z of Friendship

My Soap-Operatic Life

"Emotional instability and gun ownership. This is the big one. It will lure two types of readers to your page. This first type will be people who love rubbernecking at car accidents. The same sort of people who'll say something like, "This is really bad... taste it." something from Metajournals

"I'm not completely unsympathetic, of course. It has been said that we " the authors of these online journals "sometimes seem to be characters in a novel or a soap opera. Our loved ones, as portrayed in our journals, really are characters. They have no voice except for the voice we give them; their point of view is only represented through us. They are characters we create, filtered through our own perceptions. And sometimes, they're really, really funny. I think most of us try to be fair. We try not to reveal too many seriously embarrassing details about our significant others; after all, if we tell the world what dorks they are, what have we just said about ourselves?" Lizzie, metajournals

Posted from the Outlet

Kinda ironic how this goes up after the conversation Victor and I had last night, which at one point got into how I need new friends.

Here's some snippets I copied from it. They're not exactly in order, I pasted them haphazardly and now don't remember which went where in conversation:

J: I don't have any exposure to decent guys that continue to act decent that I would ever want to date. The one guy I know that hasn't shit anyone over, is, well, I figure it's only a matter of time before he gets corrupted, and anyway, I outweigh him and that's disturbing.
If they had a nunnery and you didn't have to be religious to join . . . sign me up. Because it is soooo fucking pointless. Every guy I meet proves my button right (says "I know if I'm attracted to you you're probably not good for me").

J: well, what's confusing me is that these guys don't act like outright assholes . . . they act nice, shy, which I LIKE . . . and then pretty soon it's ditch and run. I don't get that at all. V: Of course not....you don't get it.
J: Hell no.
V: The guys who can regularly hit on women....they have a system it is an act. Some are more up front, others play games like you are talking about....it is all a very elaborate you would be amazed at the lengths men will go to.
J: what's the point of the game then? Looks like dump to me.
V: Getting laid.
J: Getting dumped/dumping will REALLY help that goal. Yeah, being treated like crap makes me HOT.
V: Again, it has nothing to do with you, you are just an attractive woman they hope to score with.. You still not undrstanding...guys like that really don't give a shit how yu feel...they simplt try to get what they want, andthen fuck ya, what do they care what happens.
J: yeah, but geez, I haven't even slept with the guys and I get that.
V: That's why. You aren't sleepng with me? CYA!!!
J: They don't give a shit I can totally believe though. Yeah, but lately this is before even the first date, hello? They don't evenk now if I'll sleep w/em.
V: They get a sense of the type of girl they are looking for, if you dont meet that expectation, then why bother with the first date? they don't feel they will get anywhere, so why waste the time?
J: groan . .. I GIVE UP.
V: They can tell........
V: Never do that.
J: why?
V: This is why nice guys finish last.
J: this would be assuming that i have actual hope here.
V: Jennifer, you will find love.
J: and then I will go psycho.
V: You worry too much
J: well, I'll put it this way: it's a short trip to psycho and it feels as if it's getting shorter every day. Besides, life's short, I hate waiting, I want it while I can still get it.
V: Itwill happen when it happens...I've bee waiting a lot longer than you have...and if I haven't decided to roll over and die, you can hang on too
J: I didn't say roll over and die, just not bother.
V: And giving up, because you have no hope left imlies what?
J: The short times I hven't cared it's been great. imiles?
V: meant implies...as in that statement implies you are ready to roll over and die. Insulateing yourself from those who can hurt yu doesn't heplp, because they will still get in.
J: not die, join the nunnery, quit the crap. Which I am sooo tired of messing with. I know they will . .. but if I knew hw to stop it I would.
V: You can't.
J: waaaaah.

I think this came before the whole why-are-guys-jerks discussion.

J: Wanna hear more about the RA? I'm over that now.
V: what happened with Jensen?
J: Okay, after I find out last night that Sarah went back to him I am PISSED OFF. I go downstairs (saw him working front desk again) to rant to him- and boy do I need to. Do that for a few, then he says he has to go to a meeting, come back later (11). I say fine, leave. When I come back: I'm waiting around the desk, and he goes off to the other end of the building (they have to go around and check on everyone) Doesn't mention this to me, however, doesn't/isn't polite enough to say "I gotta work, come by tomorrow." I'm just hanging around there staring at the TV and waiting, as he's leaving he goes, "Are you watching this?" That's all. I am sooooo annoyed. How fucking rude to have me come back there and then he's not going tobe around. How hard is that to say "Come back later?" Come ON. Anyway, he was reminding me of my ex, and that kinda rudness REALLY pisses me off, I am so over that, I am not talking to him again.
V: Shit...I'm sorry.

Reading that I suddenly felt sad . . . like there was no way the guy could redeem himself and not be a jerk now. A line I've crossed (they've crossed?) with so many guys when they just do something so jerky there's no way I could ever respect them again. Which reminds me, I think I saw Kiwini again today with the TV again as I was rushing to class. I avoided him. The next part I think is later on in conversation.

V: You just learn to grieve and move on......depend on your friedns to help you through the hard times..and if you are religious you talk to God a lot. It's not all that bad....and when you finaly win the game, it will be all the more sweet for the shit it went through.
J: oh well,at least I didn't falli n love with the lateset ahole. I was afraid that I was. But nope, saved by the ding dong bell. He seeemed decent there for a few days . . . hahahahaha
V: can I be totaly honest?
J: oh, go ahead.
V: I really think you self image is your problem......you seem to always ave this mind set that you suck and it's almost as if you don't think you deserve good stuff. IT could be why you ar eternally attracted to people that turn out to be assholes.
J: well, I think I deserve good guys. Not like I'm objective though. Or that I have a nose for who's bad and good . . . no clue. "If common sense is so common why didn't I get any?" See why I think I should swear off the whole thing? I can't tell who to trust.
V: Trust yourself. Listen to that little voice in you head....NO not the ones telling you to burn things the other voice.
J: I'm not doing a good job of it, maybe I should pull a Costanza and do the dead opposite of my instincts.
V: LOL
Burn things? LOL That voice in my head never thinks the guys are bad. It's previous experience that says "I'm sure he's a jerk" and gets proven right. If the voice did I woudln't be in a mess.
V: That does complicate things a little.
J: no shit. And I used to have instincts too . . . but mine about people has always been dreadful. I'm just sick of doing the same old crap. Why must I play the game just because I'm a girl, don't weigh 500 lbs and don'thave two noses?
V: it gets better
J: I'm so bloody tired of it ALREADY. More years of this and I will be up on the roof with an Uzi. Better?
V: Yep
J: What, less frat parties?
V: Life is not a frat party....thee are some really enjoyable things...you are just down because your friends aren't the best...you feel trapped by your folks, and you have yet to meet the guy of your dreams and also have him be into you, AND not be an asshole. But this too will pass.
J: SOMEDAY. I'm already tired of it now . . . someday better come like tomorrow. (Ha ha) own feelings. The lititle intutition I had is gone. I swear I didn't have the idea that he was a jerk.
V: Then if that is true then all you need to do is people watch a little bit closer than you have. When you do that you pick up things that you might not normally see, and be able judge people better. Attitude, how they walk how they act, what they say...gve yourself to form an overall impression...pay attention to the little things that seem unconcious..you can fake nice, but only to a certain extent.

Oh, and after responding to TOGA's post on friendship, found a post from Anna, who apparently thought what I meant was that I wasn't keeping in touch with people. Which is true, but not what I meant. I meant that so many of them are, well, doing stupid things and the like. (People are telling me that I shouldn't even talk to Sarah now unless she gets a divorce. I still don't know what to do about that.) I hear that I have bad taste in friends . . . well, that's it really, I guess I didn't save that part of the conversation after all.

Anyway, she put: but you can't expect your friends to do all the work...you have to put some effors into frienships also if you want to keep them! I agreed with this until I just reread it here . . . and remembered how she always told me during the summer "If they want to talk to me, they'll call me!"

And as her explanation . . .
Anna (who should do a better job of keeping up with her own friends...if only they wouldnt call on weeks when I have 5 midterms)
My response: Okay, OUCH. You make me glad I'm not that smart.

Mind mentioning that to Demma? She's all pissed off about how you didn't call her back now and I didn't really know what to say to her about it other than she should talk to you about it.

Phone call to Mommy tonight, and yet AGAIN she played devil's advocate for whatever "ditsy" (her word! used it again to describe another one!) guy I had a thing for who acted jerky. She goes, "Well, maybe he forgot." Forgot that he had rounds to do, forgot that I'd came down there to talk to him, I should have spoken up to him about why I was down there. Ever notice that every time this happens, she ALWAYS is on the guy's side and says it's my fault for not doing something? Okay, so it's slightly more reasonable in the Kiwini situation (which I am kinda having regrets about. Oh well, way too late), but this one's REALLY getting farfetched to me. Anyone else agree? And the awful thing about her silly rationalizations is that I kinda want to believe them! If I chose to believe her stuff, I could still believe that Jensen's not an asshole and feel free to continue mad crush. But really, which is worse: crawling on my belly going "please sir, did you forget me?" AGAIN, or just smelling the coffee, realizing jerkdom, and moving on? She says that if I get angry enough someday I'll stand up for myself. Sure. Yeah. Right.

Last-minute complication to my life's soap: You may remember when I was mentioning the ucd.life newsgroup, bitching about negativity with that one guy, some people think there's a thing going with us, but there isn't?

Well, check THIS one out. Dark PRiSM (don't ask, I don't know) is the negativity guy, Remington is the, well, you'll see. Now, please keep in mind that I have no idea who these people are other than glancing at their web pages and that they went to UCD, never met 'em. They have no idea what I look like, it's just dogs fighting over a bone, I think.

Dark PRiSM said:
}: } OHHHHH you're paying for that one buddy! Who couldn't love all
}: }378 lbs of me?? I bet she'd date ME before she dated YOU! Muahahaha
}: } C'mon! You call that flirting??
}: No...
} Sure, deny it! The truth is out there!

Really? oh, all right. it was little teeny aliens from the planet
zarquon forging my header, and trying to make it look like I was flirting.

}: } (Alright, alright, disclaimer: No I am not actively seeking to
}: }date Ms. Rutherford. You can all calm down now)
}: Nor I. But what are you doing passively... ?
} Sitting here before leaving work, suffering from a sore elbow }from banging it, swiping sarcasm with you in irc, waiting for your }reply attempting to claim ownership over this idea of replying to your }passively remark, ready to hit up the gym, go home, throw on 90210 and }Party of Pain that I recorded last night, kick back, relax, and get }TONS and TONS of sleep tonight to make up for last night. What are you }doing? >:)
Well, sitting on my ass, mostly, but if Ms. Rutherford wished to go out for coffee (or the beverage of her choice) sometime, that could be rather fun...
-Remington

Dang, what do I do now? I really didn't need another complication here!

I'd ask for comments here, but since I never get any, what's the point.

© 1997 jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page