"I hope you saccharine-sweet little love-bunnies live happily ever after."A brief bit before I begin:"Oh, we will. Whether or not that's with each other, however, is another story." -you'll see who said this
1. That wasn't the columnist, judging by the mass e-mail I got.
2. Sarah wasn't at work when I was home this afternoon- not at her desk anyway.
3. We drew a naked guy today in design class! And we have no homework! (Figured I'd end on a high note)
Okay, today's entry is very simple, and I didn't even have to write it! It's a collection of most of the posts on the newsgroup regarding yesterday. Enjoy.
Subject: The JenRem Outing Report v1.0
From: Remington
So, it all started out simply enough. We actually met at Green Planet for a
smoothie at 3:30, to avoid those who might be stalking us. I identified her
immediately by the way she was the person who walked through the door at exactly
3:30 and looked like a design major. No, don't ask me what a design major looks
like, but she did, ok? She also completely failed to look like a putrid troll,
and was, in fact, quite attractive.
So, we chatted about this and that, and I got a brain-freeze from my smoothie.
Mostly, we discussed things we'd already been discussing on the newsgroup, and
how redundant that was. We also talked about Livermore, and what the heck this
ring is made of. I asked about the underthings, and was assured that they were
all in order. Upon further investigation, we found that my socks, despite both
being navy blue, did not actually match.
Eventually, we decided it would be interesting to see if anyone with dark
glasses actually did show up at Borders, since neither of us had actually been
there, anyway. We gravitated to the humor section fairly directly, and regaled
each other with excerpts from such delights as 'Truly Tasteless Jokes', and
Steve Martin's 'Pure Drivel'. Then we settled down into some pretty firm
choices -- I read from Ashleigh Brilliant's 'I Want to Reach Your Mind... Where
is it Currently Located?' and she chose Christine Gallagher's 'The Women's
Book of Revenge'. Hers was much better for sparking actual dialogue. Then it
was time for her to head off to her evening class, so we left. That's when
things started to get a little strange...
A black stretch limo with a diamond E pulled up, and several large guys in dark
shades and suits jumped out and grabbed me, and grabbed me. Jennifer did her
best to stop them, but I was quickly overpowered and shoved into the backseat
between a large, balding black guy with a moustache and a thin woman with
shock-white short cropped hair and a white power suit. Three of the big guys
that grabbed me sat facing us, and two more got in the front. Being at a loss
for how to respond, I pulled out my Minnie Mouse PEZ dispenser, and offered
everyone a PEZ. The big guy on the left didn't like grape, so he passed. Just
as I was having a feeling of having seen the black guy somewhere before, the
thin woman grabbed my arm, and as the needle slipped in, everything went
black...
I awoke to find I was suspended by my feet over a bare floor with a large
circle inscribed in it, and four curves in toward the center. A door opened,
and a tall man with white hair and an eyepatch walked out, wearing a leather
trenchcoat and carrying a large, fuzzy white cat. Suddenly, I recognized
him -- It was my old adversary, President Atkinson, the evil leader of UCOP.
"What do you want with me?" I cried. "More PEZ?"
"No," He said. "I hate grape. I know you slimy grad students are going to
strike, and I want to know when. I want to know who. And I want to know
exactly what the union's plans are." He stroked his cat, who meowed.
"But I don't know any of that!"
"Come on, do you think I'm completely naive? I know you've been seen
associating with pro-union types... They have to organize the strike somehow,
and how could they do it without the help of the Campus Organizing Director of
the GSA? If you won't tell me, surely, you'll tell... them!!!"
He reaches over and pushes a button on the wall, and the big circle in the floor
below me swung open, and I heard a tremendous, gravelly, lowing...
"I'm sure you've been wondering about the secret Black Science division at the
Agricultural Engineering School that the DoD has been helping us build, and
you're about to meet the first prototypes... We combined bovine and carcharodon
DNA..."
"Oh no! It can't be!"
"Yes!! It is!!!"
"Man-Eating Cows! Aigh!"
"Muahahahahhah! Of course, it isn't too late to save yourself, if you'll just
tell me what I want to know..." And the winch started to lower me into the pit.
"But, But..."
There was a thundering crash, and a large portion of one wall caved in. Jennifer
marched in and dropped the bazooka she was carrying. Atkinson pressed a switch,
and disappeared into a hole in the floor with another peal of maniacal laughter
A bunch of side doors opened, and his henchmen poured into the room. Jennifer
pulled a knife from her belt, and with a running leap, she severed the rope
supporting me and carried me across the pit with her momentum. She opened her
vest, and pulled out a Walther PPK and handed it to me.
"Do you know how to use it?" She asked?
I checked the clip, aimed, and fired three times. Three henchmen fell. "No," I
said, "But what are you going to use?"
She didn't dignify that with a response, but kicked the guy sneaking up behind
me so that he fell in the pit. A rabid mooing filled the air, followed by his
brief screams.
Then she attacked full-force in a blur of fancy moves that would put a Tekken
character to shame. Henchmen flew everywhere, and more often thatn
not, landed in the pit. In moments, the room was clear enough that we
could make a break for the breach in the wall. Outside, I got on the back
of her Honda CBR1100, and she gunned the engine and drove right off the
roof of the president's house.
"How the heck did you get up here?" I asked.
"Don't ask."
We landed on Hearst just as the secret entrance to Atkinson's underground
garage swung open and a fleet of henchmen on mopeds came out.
"Hah," Jen said, "They'll never catch us..."
Then they hit the nitrous. Amazingly, the mopeds were stable at 120 mph.
It's amazing what you can accomplish if you charge enough tuition... Er, I
mean, Reg fees.
"Two can play at that game," said Jen. Our nitrous kicked in, and I held
her closer as the wind rushed by my face. The henchmen were keeping up
with us, so I managed to aim my gun behind us and fire at the leaders of
the pack. I couldn't hit anything, but they did back off a little. Then
Jen ducked us down a side alley just as she hit a button, and the wall at
the end of it slid up just enough to let us under before it slammed back
down. I heard the lead scooters impact destructively into the wall behind
us, as she brought our bike to a stop in the middle of a fantastic lab
full of computers and lights and people in white labcoats. I felt the
floor shake as the whole room launched itself into the air.
"Where the heck are we?" I queried.
"We're safe now," she said. "This ship will get us back to Davis pretty
quickly."
"How did you find me?" I asked. She led me out onto an observation
platform, where we could watch California passing by below us.
"I went to the ASUCD office, and Alex lead me into the Secret AGSE HQ.
Then it was a simple matter of tracing the signal from the radio beacon
concealed in the head of your PEZ dispenser..." She looked deep into my
eyes, and said, "But the rest of that's classified."
And so's the rest of the story. :)
-Remington
Subject: Re: The JenRem Outing Report v1.0
From: Blaise
Remington
© 1997 jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu
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