"What would I have done?"

"You, who have just read this sad and tragic episode in my life, can mentally change places with me and ask yourself the crucial question, "What would I have done?" -Simon Wiesenthal

It's so freeing to be over my crush on Jensen. To be able to walk down the hallway without looking across the pool to see if his lights are on or if they actually have the windows open in the living room. Without needing to, I mean. Now I kinda ignore that area. I am so glad I haven't seen the jerkoff, although I had a scare tonight in the DC as a guy that looked like him got in line behind me. The lookalike is this cute guy that lives in North, who I would probably chase if I saw him more often.

I'm so goofy sometimes.

I really don't want to work on this art history thing. Or the short story, seeming as I am uninspired to write it and know nothing about camping to do it. My partner on it e-mailed me saying he'd go check out the slides (good, 'cause I don't' wanna), so I figured I should work up a "script" for the whole thing, went through one of the heavy art books . . . damn, was that slow and boring.

Had to call Mom (again) tonight to find out what the Thanksgiving plans are, and she made me cry. Gee, THANKS. Anyway, the plans are that they pick me up Wed. night (late) and go to my aunt's, where we spend Wed. night and maybe Thurs. night there.

The part that made me cry is that I was telling her the latest Sarah dish and it lead to that. Well, aside from her saying that she'd never let me move in with Sarah unless Hardeep was out of the country, he'd go after me too- she then said that if both Dad and I died she'd kill herself, and then she "might not be able to get into heaven with you." Did I really need to know that if I die, so does she?

Then for no reason at all she went into how I should drive, and I said that she'll have to force me into it because I won't do it otherwise, and she said she never would because "I get too mad, like I'm going to burst a blood vessel or something." I've never felt like that when I'm mad, what is she talking about? Then again, gee, where did I learn that kind of behavior? Which led into did you decide to move out yet, and why don't I stand up for myself . . . again, the conversation wasn't good and things didn't go the way she wanted. What a shock. I guess I'm just like Sarah, waiting for something really bad to drive me out of here- the devil I know, not the devil I don't, IMO.

God, every time something good happens to Megan she just starts SCREAMING at the top of her lungs. (I don't wanna be here when she's getting laid) "I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!!" repeated six times or so gets real annoying. Well, it's nice that she's happy I guess, but geez, all the screaming all the time? And how do they think they're going to get those Cupanoodles in the bathroom I just found down the sink with no disposal, I'd like to know?

I am irritated that I haven't heard back from Remington or Matt in the past few days. Remington can kind of be excused, seeing as he's out of state and it's a weekend (big drinking time, basically) and mine didn't really require response. But you'd think if he liked me he'd write back. As for Matt, at the end of my latest one I put that I didn't think things were going to go anywhere with Remington, and I'm curious to know what he thought about that. And I know he's been on the Internet (from the newsgroup). I want to explain why I don't think it's going to go anywhere, I don't think I was clear. But he won't write back, and it annoys me.

I am not feeling like I'm going into Crush Obsession Mode any more (good! Maybe I'm improving finally?), but while I was trying to look up the art history department on the Davis site (not there- huh?) I passed by a link to the grad thing Remington's in and looked at it, found his name and office and whatnot. Also found a thing on the fraternity Kiwini is in and looked at that- gee, no point to that stuff there. Why do I do these things?

Maybe I'll put up a poll or something on the newsgroup (I think I should put that on the terms page) to get things moving around there (if anyone's there before vacation), see if the boys respond.

I want a boyfriend, I admit it. I'm lonely, etc. Not that if I think about it, I should actually get one (going crazy, having to worry about the whole sex thing, et al), but I want someone to talk with and make out with and have a good time with. It doesn't have to be true love anymore, I'm over that, why can't I have a fling? Something I forgot to mention about Sarah the other night was that she said she didn't want to be alone again. I didn't have anything to say to that- there's nothing hugely great to recommend about it. Although in her case, having the freedom to call who she wants and leave the house when she wants could be biggies.

Sure, there's some things about being single that I love- the aforementioned ability to leave when I want, do what I want without having to check in to an authority. Makes me wonder how Remington and girlfriends do it- then again they all sound like some funky kinda exception to that. It's odd how I can totally obsess over some guy for ages, yet not hugely have to keep tabs on them or insist on being with them every waking minute like SOME people I could mention.

But really, for once I'd like to have something going on that wasn't only in my mind. A fixation with a point because the guy liked/wanted me back. In the same amount, please. Or at least something that would be a good time, yet wouldn't HAVE to be all the traditional couple crap.

My new theory as to how I think about this stuff is that all I am ever trying to do is get back to the way things were with The Moron. We both liked each other, wasn't traditionally compliant, didn't have to do mandatory things, etc. Then of course I have to remind myself that he could forget about me for periods of time, he was a workaholic, didn't like me as much as I liked him, you know the drill . . . even my "Ideal" isn't ideal.

I don't think I'll probably see Remington again. As I've learned from my experiences with The Moron and Kiwini, absense does NOT make a guy's heart grow fonder. I especially learned from Kiwini to never count on getting together in a month.

Well, another interesting conversation with Victor tonight:

V: Listen you need to tell Sarah (?) she needs to get away from Hardeep.

J: Well, yeah, I think I've done that. Problem is is that she needs to realize that. I don't think she'll do it "if some authority figure" tells her, she's already getting sick of him, she has to decide to do it herself.

V: I just found out that a girl was murdered back in May...they found her body incased in cement in august. name was Kim Magnarelli, she was killed by her live in boyfriend, and I knew her. I have been trying to find out what I can about this off the web, and in three hours of searching I have found maybe three fairly uninformative articles....this is what her life was worth. It wasn't even deemed worthy of any info on the web. You can sure as hell find enough porno on the web, but no info on this woman. THIS is what her legacy will be if she doesn't leave him.

J: True. But I doubt she'll just go if I tell her to go, or if anyone else tells her to go. Short of her parents just kidnapping her out of the house or something (which I doubt), what the hell do we do?

V: Tell her to look up what she can on a woman named Kim Magnarelli from Massachusettes. And let her know that she will find nothing about her. That she died and no one cares....and that is what will happen to her...she will be a blurb on the news that even her friends will not see. and that in a few months no one but her closest friends will even know or care that she existed.

J: I wish I could, but she doesn't have access right now. (Not to mention that the hubby would be checking the whole thing out over her shoulder, I bet).

V: Then ditch her.
I haven't seen or thought about this girl in a very long time...and it is eating me up....had we stayed in touch could I have stopped it? Would I have noticed his was an abusive fuck and been able to help her? Had I stayed close and this happened, I would be worthless right now, knowing I could have done something (even if I couldn't) and blamed myself. THIS will be your legacy.

J: Well, if I ditch her all I'd be able to think is that I ditched someone when she needed me and that I could have helped, which I am doing in the best way that I can. I'd feel the guilt for NOT helping instead if I found out she was dead.

Well, that last bit sure hit me in the gut. "THIS will be your legacy." Gee, thanks kinda came to mind. I found it extremely odd that he would tell me to "ditch her" when he was talking about this somewhere else (that I am not allowed to mention) he put that he felt guilty for not being there to help her. You feel the guilt both ways, it sounds like to me.

And how could I ditch her? I've been ditched when shitty things have started happening to me by people who I thought were close friends, and it really fucking hurts to be ditched when you need other people the most. Heck, I'm pissed off at Jensen, and he ain't even a friend who did the ditching. When the chips go down on a friend of yours, you do not just ditch and run. No fucking way.

I would like to tell Sarah about this now. Reading his thing I'm thinking now maybe that I should have told Sarah yesterday that she should leave him before she winds up dead. Maybe that's what she was looking for? Then again, maybe not? I don't know.

We're reading The Sunflower by Simon Wiesenthal in Holocaust class right now. The book is in two parts: The first part is a novella detailing the author's experience of being brought to a dying SS man who wants to confess his sins (of killing a bunch of Jews) to another Jew and be forgiven for it. He's genuinely repentant about this, but Wiesenthal just walked out of the room without saying a word. And decades later, he's still not sure if he did the right thing or not. The second half of the book is a bunch of commentaries he (or somebody) asked others to write, telling what they thought he should have done. That's the last thing he says in the novella, asks what would you have done.

Right now that's what I feel like: asking other people what they would have done, what I should have done, was I right, was I wrong.

Imsomnia Report, 1 ish am:
Do you guys reading this ever feel as if you're watching a life spiral slowly down?
'Cause right now, after certain people trying to bum me out (so much for that good mood of mine all last week) I'm starting to feel like that's all this is, a chronicle of "how my life turned to shit." I mean, let's count the disasterous situations I'm inright now:
1. Dad and Mom and that whole thing.
2. Relatives playing "Family Feud."
3. Roommates playing "Roommate Feud."
4. Friends in bad situations
5. Guys shitting me over and things never going anywhere.
The sad thing is that I think there's more of these things, I just can't think of them at 1:48 in the morning (now I can't stop thinking of the whole Sarah/Kim thing instead). I mean, really, how often does anything get BETTER for a change? How often does it STAY better? I mean, this last week, things have improved, but I can't say all of it will be long-remaining changes. I had a date (although I don't think this will continue, sadly), Sarah seems to be reconsidering things seriously (but she still doesn't REALLY want out yet), one less set of family members is having a cold war (possibly the one that might remain), I haven't talked to any of my roommates in awhile so no more crap from them (but that ain't likely to keep up). Why can't things for once STAY better, and NOT deteriorate?

Oh, and I want to put a link to this very well-written entry that I would normally just love to comment on, but right now am really not in the mood. So just read it.

© 1997 jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu

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