"Then I could fall in love. Then I'll really be terrified." -Cynthia HeimelAi yi yi, folks. (And where did this phrase suddenly come from to creep into my conversation?) I just found out some news that could either be VERY good . . . or bad. Since I'm feeling insecure right now (all those photos from yesterday, y'know), I'm not feeling so rational that it's good news, even though those of you who are sensible will probably think that it's good. But what can I say, I'm fearful of life right now. It's damn scary.
It's 7:15 as I'm typing, and no response from Remington yet. Okay, so I'm trying to chill about it, and not doing too badly I'll have you know. Although I am doing my second-thoughts bit, like I did when I called Kiwini back and left the dumb message and then feared he thought I was an idiot... and it turned out to be true as far as I know. So now when someone's late in responding to me and I said anything that's even remotely questionable, I feel all insecure that that's going to happen AGAIN. But I'll shut up now 'bout that. I got my mind off it pretty much in class today, which was good.
Okay, so when I get home, check the mail, and got one from Matt. And it's got THIS LINE in it that struck me in the stomach, and I don't even know in what way . . .
"Yeah really! Now he's all excited about some date I'm sure you heard about...Well, as you know, he's got a date going with me. But as you know, he's also got the two other girlfriends. And for all I don't know, there could be some other chicks besides us in the harem. (Like I said, I'm insecure right now ... like he said, he's slutty) To me, it does seem likely that it could be a date with somebody else and not me. Does this sound reasonable to you? Or does it just sound as if I'm a big chicken who's looking for an out so I don't go all crazy again the way that I suspect I could? Yeah, it sounds a bit like that to me too. If I were a rational person, I would probably think that more clearly, but well, I'm not. The way I see it, this could possibly be very bad. In which case, I'd better cool it! And really not get attached, y'know? Get out while the getting's good ... again. Well, I'd still go out, but I'd watch myself.And maybe it is good. Very good. Very VERY good ...!!!!!!!
Maybe I'm just scared of that too . . . that, well, you saw the quote above. And I think you can figure out why I'm terrified!
She met her husband off the Internet, by the way. If she can do it . . .
I sent this back to Matt, and will be waiting round on pins n' needles for his response ... just watch me all afternoon checking e-mail tomorrow, jumping up and down, all hyper and psycho . . . oh GREAT.
"Um, I know of one date, but I don't know if it's what you mean... any details you know so I can figure it out (without asking him)? I might know who it is."I had another imsomniac bent last night, so I wrote this long post for Spotfans going on about both this and how life is now so mental for me and unpredictable . . . it went over well with the crew, but now I'm not so sure I'm going to post it ... if the date Matt heard about is with someone else, it's NOT getting posted. I'd just feel like SUCH an ass . . . that page has more of an audience than this one (I suspect that, anyway, no counter here!), so more people hear my blather, and well, I was just saying in the post about how I always go off on the latest guy and then it bombs out and I feel like an ass for thinking that it was going to go somewhere. I mean, it's okay to do that in your diary, but it just seems pathetic to everyone else, I think.
9 p.m. update: Oh lordy, here we go again with Sarah and Hardeep, I think. He just called to see if Sarah was here/if I'd heard from her (no), he was worried 'cause she'd stormed out and it had been two hours (he said it takes her a half hour to come back after getting pissed off). I asked if they'd been fighting, and he said no, they were playing Solar Quest and she was losing or something and she just got up and left. Said to tell her to come back if I hear from her/let him know. What's up with that? I bet they did have a fight ... she was griping about how he lies to her and then she catches him at it. Dang. I gotta call her tomorrow and see what's up here.
10 p.m. update: Got an e-mail back from Matt.
"I didn't pay much attention, but he was just boasting about it in the channel... I'm sure tomorrow we'll all get teh major feedback :)I don't know what the hell to make of that. At ALL. We'll get the major feedback tomorrow? Doesn't this sound to you like he had it tonight?Oh fucking hell, I don't know. But I'm thinking I was right to go in the negative direction.
© 1997 jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu
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