"Oh, I doubt every waking minute when I'm dating someone ... of course, that's because it ALWAYS turns out that things go wrong, usually right when things were going very well and I never would have figured it to go wrong. Suffice it to say that I should go into anti-dating mode myself. Actually, I've tried, but I haven't been able to get it to work at all." Me, in e-mail to MattIt's 2 am on the ninth as I type this, actually- I've been working on my design final project ALL night and just finished. I have been unable to get onto the Internet (it keeps disconnecting me!) since 4 p.m. when I last checked my e-mail (there was no new). I did not get anything from Remington. (What, does he have a guilty conscience eating at him? Probably not) Last I'd checked he hadn't been on newsgroup either today. I did get an e-mail from Matt in the a.m.:"The worst is so often true." -Miss Marple
-So it was tonight then? In that case it's not what I thought.What can I say, I am dying in suspense. Even though I know that it's going to be BAD news when I finally get connected and checked, I still want to check. I wanna know what the hell's going on. My predictions (i.e. what any sensible person would think would happen, which is not necessarily what happens in my life) are that I will hear nothing from Remington and the depressing dish from Matt will be something that I won't want to hear. Bad icky. I just hope Matt didn't mention ME in all of this today, I don't want my IRC spy to be found out or to have them fight even more than they have been on there. Since it's at least half due to me, I feel uncomfortable about it, kinda like when my parents fight over me in a way.Hmmm, well I'll have to find out the details. I'm sure he'll brag about it at some point today!... You've gotta find your way onto irc!...
Probably, that whole "infoholics anonymous" bit I guess... I didn't know about that one, then again he hasn't written me back for a bit. That's probably why. Ugh.
How do I feel about the newest debacle in my soap-operatic/pathetic life, you ask? Crushed? Crying? Hysterical? Pissy?
Diluted versions of #1 and 4 is more like it.
Okay, so this was not a typical crush for me at all, I can't even say for sure that it was a crush- crushes are on sight and smiles and pure lust for me. This one, while cute, wasn't how it worked. I really liked his personality, got a kick out of it … which is why it sucks that now I will probably not be talking to him anymore. It wouldn't have worked out, but it could have been fun, if stuff stayed pretty casual.
I thought he really liked me too … who wouldn't think that after reading all that e-mail? Then he starts going off about another date to everyone else on IRC . . . ugh, ugh, ugh!!! That kinda nauseates me, to tell you the truth. Didn't anyone wonder what I thought about it? I'm surprised Matt didn't. That he'd be all hyped/bragging about some other chick so soon after me, plus the other two girlfriends . . . ewwww. This be a worse kinda player than I've previously dated. And I like players.
Can't say I'm surprised exactly at the news . . . maybe a little bit, but it's to be expected. And I'm not mad at him too much- I mean, at least he warned me, which is so much more than anyone else ever did. I knew what to expect. Which is why I'm totally kicking myself now for getting into this. I could have been out of it, if I'd just kept my mouth shut the way the plan was supposed to go, I wouldn't care right now. But nooo, I have to open my big keyboard and ask him out again. This time, folks, it's clearly MY fault. I got myself into this mess on purpose, with full knowledge that this would happen, yet I did it anyway, probably humoring myself that I wouldn't care really, and now that it happened … I'm annoyed. Not jealous, not mad, but annoyed. It rubs at me, irritates me that he does this and stops talking to me. That I got a little possessive and attached, and now I'm a little hurt to match. Another one compounded to my list of shit-gone-down. Guys, if any of you are reading this, WHY do you bail when things get good? Why is it always brightest just before the eclipse? Talk about throwing a girl off.
The inevitable questions are, I suppose, are "Are you going to e-mail him again?" (no, if he wants to talk to me he can do so. But he doesn't want to talk to me) and the biggie, "Are you still going to go out with him in January?"
Honestly, I don't know. That in part depends on if he ever talks to me again. If he doesn't, then obviously no! If he does, depends on what he says. I sort of expect him to cancel, or say something about this if he does … and will be more annoyed if he doesn't. The question is more like "Are you okay with all the chicks he's got?" and sadly, I think the answer is leaning towards "No." I don't like being jealous (hardly ever done it, don't want to do more of it), and this annoyed feeling may lead to being jealous. It shows that I am bothered after all, since I got a little attached. It shows that this is probably not a good thing to hang around with him and talk to him if I'm only going to get more attached and him not so. We all know what my getting REALLY attached does to me, and that getting REALLY attached is a short trip! So if he offers to break the date or something along those lines, I should agree to it. Will I? Ha, me do what's good for me? Probably not. I probably won't dump him for it myself, since I did do the asking for a change.
Of course, this is all hypothetical, since he'll probably do what the rest do and cut all contact with me as a means of dumpage. Disgusting.
Let's think of the good things about being dumped again: At least I won't have to feel inadequate in that realm! No worries there anymore, mate!
I have got to stop talking about guys in my life. It is just getting too humiliating to have to admit AGAIN that the newest one did something awful to everyone I know. I should make it that I only talk about the latest droolbait (going by my track record of a new one every month or two, I should find another in January. Oh whoopee, can't wait to get trashed by a guy again!) in my diary, leave everyone else alone. Although I probably won't be able to contain myself enough to do that. Ugh. I should join Infoholics Anonymous with Remington, but seeing him would not be a good idea. Good thing he is in Chicago.
Okay, on to another subject: Sarah.
Called her at lunch today to find out what happened. I was right, he lied. She said he was being obnoxious and calling her names (bitch, etc), so she walked out. Didn't come here because he could track her down, so she went to Mike and Evan's for two hours and then lied about it when she got back. He went on to her about being all worried, then said he couldn't take it and moved out that night. He seemed surprised that she hadn't stopped him from doing so . . . she tried to make sure that he couldn't get a key from the front office to get back into their apartment, but legally they have to if his name's on the lease (they said she had to ask him to take his name off it … yeah, right!). He called in sick to work, they met up to switch cars later and she said he was bugging her to decide if she wants a divorce or not … she said (ugh) that she didn't know yet, give her some more time, he's still obnoxious about it. Man, is she on the fence or what? is what I thought after hearing her latest stuff about him . . . whining about how lonely she is in the apartment alone with the cats (which is why she was over here), how she loves/misses him, yet kind of wants him to go back to India, yet she'd miss him, loves him but can't live with him, he won't go for counseling like she wants or separation, saying that she wants me to move in with her. I restrained myself from saying that she'd have to get a divorce before that could be. And the part that really scared me was this: that she gets all lonely and then thinks about all the sweet stuff he did, and COMPLETELY FORGETS about stuff like what went on last weekend, when he pinned her to the bed and was going to make her watch him slit his throat. HOW CAN YOU FORGET THAT???? I want to know that one.
1 p.m.
Checked the secret (well, it's existence isn't secret anyway) drawing board of Spotfans this a.m. (after I'd posted that I wasn't going to put up the post I was going to do due to this being bad) and found that I was being encouraged to post it after all. I'm still not so sure. Well, I don't want to at all, actually, but some of the feelings are still true, and one person wants to put a response to it. One person asked for details on what was going on, and I told her. She was hopeful, I am not so. I feel like Miss Marple with her line about "The worst is so often true." And it is, folks, it really is.
While I can't copy what was said (hey, it is secret after all), I'll paraphrase for ya:
She suggested that I do a follow-up post when for good or ill is confirmed, but I feel so sick of doing that already. She asked if it was possible he's been too busy to e-mail (I think NOT!), if I was bothered by his asking someone else out (I don't know), and finished with a message saying not to be bummed yet, I don't have a clear picture of what's going on.
He was on newsgroup this a.m., did not respond to anything 1 had written. One chick and I didn't understand something he wrote, and he puts up the link for her. He did that somewhere else too. Gee, what do ya think????
I got an e-mail from Matt, but he didn't tell me a thing, and well, I don't want to answer this question back. Sounds as if he's trying to figure out how hurt I'll be before he says anything. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Continued suspense drives me bonkers. Why can't he just TELL ME THE BAD NEWS so I can KNOW FOR SURE and then GET OVER IT AND KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?
-Probably, that whole "infoholics anonymous" bit I guess... I didn't know -about that one, then again he hasn't written me back for a bit. That's -probably why. Ugh.
Any word yet on that date? How interested (if at all) are you in him anyway if I may ask? (curious)
I really don't want to respond to this. I don't even know how interested I am anymore. I don't know what to say. I don't want to tell him we had another date scheduled, especially if it's not going to go off. But I should do it now so I can get a response (HOPEFULLY finally breaking the bad news) before he goes home for the day.
9 p.m. What a lulu life is some days. Like D.R. said in class, it's a waterfall with stuff falling on you.
-> Any word yet on that date? -I'm not sure what you mean by that, but I'll take a stab at it. Don't tell this to anyone, as for all I know it will not be going on after all, but we did have another date scheduled in January sometime when we were both back in town (this was around the time when people started bitching about how nauseating we were). Heh, I meant the date he had in Chicago but that was still an interesting answer!.. Oh, I wouldn't know anything about that, like I said he's not e-mailing me anymore. That's cool that you guys are going out again... I'm not so sure. If he's not talking to me, then I consider it canceled... (we didn't even have the exact day pinned down yet) I thought about e-mailing him again, but if he's only going to ignore it why bother. (eye-roll) It sounds like you need to take him with a grain of salt, though! No kidding! He ISN'T one to settle down in a relationship right now it seems, and you've got to look out that you don't get too into him... Well, neither am I (bad idea, very bad), and I'm soooo going to. Well see, to be honest I don't see him as a "player" as much as someone who extends invitations everywhere and dates whoever takes him up on it.. Oh, THAT'S what it is?!?! Geez, I wondered why the hell he asked me out outta the blue that day. He's got some deeply seeded issues and I see it being a while before he's able to be happy!... Or ever. He hit on Marianne and she rejected him... He was also mentioning other girls in #ucd he has tried to date (actually one was Susan (another Susan) from .life)... Okay, now THIS is what I would have liked to have known before accepting ... Be careful around ths one, Jennifer! I will. I don't think it'll be a problem though at this point. see why I want to anti-date? Definitely! I highly recommend it! It's such a low-stress, uncomplicated way to be! (especially when there are other worries such as school and all!)... IF someone comes along that you somehow see a magical aura around and you want to pursue things past friendship (always be friends first is my view!), then so be it... But not even bothering to stress about relationships is so nice!... I wouldn't know! -Good for you. I've been having a new crush/what have you about every month -or so lately, and it's getting very tiring! Ha! see? Subscribe to my school of thought and you'll be set! Yeah. I think I should take a vow of non-dating myself... the last four or so have been doozies ... I have no taste ... I get into trouble ... my friends are now saying they will smack me if I ever date a player again ... you get the drift. Not that this has all been sprouted by this whole thing, I was kinda in that mode anyway when he asked, but I figured what the hell.
She really wants to go home to her parents', but needs to work and the money … and then there's how they work together … she has to tell them this tomorrow. "But I don't want to get him fired." Ugh. We shouldn't leave her alone, 'cause then she starts missing him … even though I said that having to get a restraining order is kind of a hint that she should get a divorce. "But I don't want to do it right before Christmas…" Sheesh. I said she should do it before school starts and she can find some engineering guys.
© 1997 jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu
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