"I wanted to blame my own neuroses. It's much easier if it's your fault, then you can just go to the shrink, get better, and life will be wonderful. So I wanted to think I misread the clues, or in some way acted in a repellent manner so he had no choice but to hate me." -Cynthia HeimelSorry I haven't done anything lately, folks, I've been pretty occupied with people coming in and out a lot."We cause our own miseries, we just close our eyes to it." -Harry Zink
Friday: I dreamed that I found out that the reason why Kiwini never called me back is 'cause his parents forced him to get married (don't ask me why, I don't recall). The rest of the dream we spent sneaking around and seeing each other very romantically.
I find it silly that my subconscious spends its time dreaming up these scenarios to make it "better" with my non-relationships turning into assholes. I had these about The Moron (but then, that was probably to be expected), I even had one about Jensen right after he ditched me in which he didn't ditch me. They just so screw up my head when I wake and remember that in real life it didn't go like that. At all. I woke up in a lusty, romantic mood, and in real life I have no outlet for that.
My subconscious wants me to get a boyfriend even more than conscious me does! No wonder I'm so messed up!
Oh, and I FINALLY GOT MY OTHER PAGE TO WORK!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!! Since then I have been updating the thing like mad, going through the sites that still work to see what's changed, etc. Nice to be back!
Sarah came over and we went to the boys' house, Mike wanted to go to the mall for some reason, and we went. Sarah was BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS hyper with the joy of being single, looking for people to have crushes on, etc, while Mike, of all people, was COMPLETELY DEAD calm. He wasn't a lot of fun. We ran around looking at weird gadgets and had a blast, went to Denny's and read Sarah's restraining order (hey, I got in it!) papers, then rented Princess Bride (mmmm, Cary Elwes), the party broke up around midnight. When I got home I found out that Kayda's party had gone on after all (Chelsea kinda whined at me for missing it, I claimed I thought it was Saturday), talked to Kayda for awhile about the party/classes (I'm having a prof of hers next quarter), guys, etc.
Saturday: Slept in (mmmm), played with my other page, then went to see Romeo and Juliet at school.
First, I have to tell you how UCD did it: They had an all-male cast and an all-female cast alternating shows, and for three nights (including the one I went on) they had a mixed cast, randomly drawn out of a hat just prior to performance. The whole thing was QUITE trippy. Whoever was playing Peter would also do his/her (in this case, her) own show introducing things at the beginning and intermission (at one point auctioning off cast belongings, such as "Benvolio's left testicle! Don't ask me how I got it", at another diagramming the play as in football, w/ X's and O's, on the back of the bed) The first half was just funny as hell (the Capulet ball was so cool that I wanted to hop up on stage and join them), the second half was sadder, but still had its moments. A crotch joke a second up there, plus certain drag performers (the nurse, Lady Capulet) were hysterical (and in the nurse's case, kinda perverse!). For twenty minutes or so after they find Juliet dead, Paris, Mom, Dad, and Nurse just OVERACTINGLY WAILED ("chewing the scenery" completely underestimates what they did up there), rolled around/posed, Nurse climbed into the audience and sat on a guy's lap, it was great.
After that, I got home and found (my mail) that I had been asked to join an honor society, Kappa Omicron Nu (the ag college/design version of Pi Beta Kappa, I guess?). My parents will be so proud, until they read that you have to pay $60 (!!!!!) to join it. Ugh!
Demma came right after that, we went out to eat, wandered the streets of Davis, and saw Elizabeth- odd movie. I did a report on her in the eighth grade and had a fondness for her ever since, but boy, did I not remember what had gone on there. I thought she and Robert Dudley had had a thing going on for YEARS longer than they said in the movie. (And speaking of Robert, that boy was hot. Great bedroom eyes) Funky camera angles in it too kinda distracted me from the tale being in the 1500's. And I finally got why she was called "The Virgin Queen." Then we went home and Demma kept me up pretty late- I'd gotten a headache (ugh) and started feeling sleepy. The thing with Demma is that no matter how late she stays up at night, she gets up bright and early NO MATTER WHAT and perfectly capable of starting the day. Whereas I (who's still trying to catch up from the all-nighters last week, I think) was a slug.
Sunday: Shopping day! We went to the mall and a few other stores, wandering around, and I am now down to $20. OUCH. With presents still to go too... I also noticed that I was starting to check out guys again in the stores, but stopped myself. I really DON'T need to do this crap right now. Especially those working guys- I've been there and done that enough! So my record of days without a crush hasn't been broken! Ain't ya proud?
Which brings us to my playing catchup today here.
So, back to my e-mail box. Latest from Matt had this remark in it that came out of a conversation about meeting people off the Internet:
"There's just so much you DON'T KNOW... I mean, maybe it'd be different if theoretically you met someone off the 'net and continued in person right after, but how rare is that?? Take you and Rem for example... You even went on a DATE with him but there are still so many things you don't know about him (there's nothing that I know that you don't, but it seems some of the stuff I've told you has come as a surprise)..." -Him"Well, yeah, sort of... actual details are a surprise, but in general he did warn me about all the girls he messes with." -Me
Her: "And NO I'M NOT PARANOID DON'T EVEN DARE TO SUGGEST SUCH A THING EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE THINKING!"
Him: "You're not? What's wrong with you? You should be. If you're not paranoid, then it means that they really are out to get you, whereas if you are, it means you think they are. I'd rather they weren't really out to get me, so I choose paranoia. :)"
Her: "I think we should have buttons printed up saying: Choose Paranoia!"
Me (being a smartass): "You don't choose paranoia, it chooses you..."
And such a suprise, he puts after mine "Not if I see it first!"
Go figure.
I put back "Ever think that maybe your "choosing" to be paranoid is because your subconsious knows deep down that they _are_ out to get you and it's self-preservation?"
I don't understand it really either, but I wanted to say something about it, and I could NOT put what I intended to put into words.
And he just put something back: "Yes, but i'm in denial about it, so it's ok."
I just put back "I think we should have buttons printed up saying THAT."
Once again, I see things around me imitating life. Okay, so I know it's just a coincidence that "You've Got Mail" just came out in previews (yeah, you can just bet I'll be seeing it) and that I just checked Affairs of the Net again for my other site and saw that you can now write for the soap... I started thinking, "Hey, I could do that, now that I've done one! And I wouldn't even need to write much, basically!" Except that the end of the thing is rather lame.
11:30 ish p.m. Gawwd, Mom pisses me off sometimes!
I figured she was going to call me tonight, and I didn't feel like calling her because I was working on my take-home final and watching several hours of good TV. So she calls at 11:15 all upset that a. I didn't call her, b. that I didn't care that Uncle Bruce is having open-heart surgery. Frankly, he's had so much heart crap going on that I can't keep track of it all, and at any rate, it's not life or death right now (and it's been that way before), so I'm not worried. But she's all offended that I'm not worrying about him every night, that I'm so selfish I don't care about anybody else. The usual argument between us when I don't act _______ enough (fill in the blank with whatever there). She's all mad that I had Demma over instead of going to her house, that I had her sleep on my small floor (what was I supposed to do that the floor's small, huh?), mad that I didn't work on the take home final (that she didn't even KNOW ABOUT) this weekend, just pick, pick, pick at everything I said. I told her about the Kappa Omicron Nu thing and that was the one pleasing thing I did, Dad said he'd pay for it. And she gets really touchy after I finished my spiel of what this would do for me (I was trying to let them feel they'd get their money's worth, okay? Does she get that? Noooooooo.) with a thank you. We couldn't take any more of each other. Gawwwwwwd, going home for the holidays isn't going to be very fun. I'm not worried enough, and I'm never grateful enough. Nobody can be grateful enough for anybody is my opinion now.
© 1997 jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu
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