Who Am I Kidding?

"Love is...not a fact in nature of which we become aware, but rather a creation of the human imagination." -Joseph Wood Krutch

So, the revised total:
Countdown went up the 11th, question mark went up the 15th, leaving me with 4 days of not liking anyone at all.
15th-19th I was getting back into it, hence the question mark after the title- 5 days of starting up again.

20th- I started obsessing again again as I was going through the recent crap of e-mails for the entry, while still missing having fun stuff in my e-mail box, just having a fun time reading 'em over, and I slipped off the deep end again. Ugh. Doing the same ol' mental crap as before, yay... I know by now that that's a BAD idea to do, gets me all attached and psycho, then I'll go all nuts again when he becomes a jerk/mentions another chick, and I said sometime in here that I would stop doing that.

But this is like when I said I'd avoid any guy I got a crush on, and when it happened I couldn't. I can't stop myself from the obsessing, because of something I didn't take into account back when I was sane:
It's too much fun.

Even if I know it's real premature to start worrying about the age difference and my family and all the chickies and other things when, knowing me, this won't last long. If I'm still talking to him after New Year's I'll be shocked, y'know? Then again, the whole thing is a shock. Who woulda figured me liking somebody older? After all my cracks to Anna about how I could never get away with that like she does...ah, the God of Irony is just LAUGHING HIS @#$%^&* HEAD OFF at me right now. If this goes anywhere my parents will kill me. My family (who, I forgot to mention on Sunday, didn't ask the boyfriend question! Yay!) would never let me hear the end of it. Heck, if I had a 20-year-old girl who was doing what I'm doing, I'd kill her. I am sooooo not an adult, I can't even FAKE being an adult, how can I date one? If I had any brains at all I should be hoping this one fizzles like the rest of them instead of...well, you know, instead of going around whining, "But I like him!"

Damn, girl, pull yourself together!

Ahhhh, shopping. I love shopping. I love getting out of the house and spending money...even if it's not for me (sigh).

Had a great time shopping with Sarah today, babbling about boys and the like. Besides finally finding presents for everyone (although not being able to get More Twisted Christmas (it's a CD) for me), it was very much fun. Yes, I was blabbing some about the latest flavor (she asked me if we were doing anything for New Year's together, I said yeah right, I don't wanna know what he's doing, probably smashed outta his mind with another girlfriend, and I don't wanna know), and we came upon a funny coincidence- we discovered that some friend of Sarah's mother (or something like that, I forget the degrees of separation) knows his dad. Weird coincidink, isn't it? Also, we were wondering if The Moron was working in the mall again this year, I had her snoop 'round his old place of work for me. He wasn't there =). So, a lovely afternoon. =) And I finally found time to call Anna (been busy the past few days and nights!), even if she wasn't home, I still did it. Good girl, Jen!

And finally, I found something in Breakup Girl that I found approrpriate:

I've been seeing this amazing guy; we have tons in common, and he's even more than beautiful. When we first met, he told me he was dating someone. But dating -- as in dating, not girlfriending. So I thought, well, I don't really know him, and it's too early to be saying, "You should just see meeee...!"

We've gone out 6 or 7 times, it's always so wonderful and fun and silly and *gush*... Last weekend I had him over for dinner (and overnight, and the next day...), and I started to get upset about the other woman he's seeing. So we went and played arcade games, so we could forget about it (which worked for a bit anyway) and he invited me to a party which was so awesome and fun -- and we were a little drunk and it was too late for the bus so we walked home.

It took a couple of hours, and I was crying almost the whole way home. It started because he said "I love you." That's supposed to be a wonderful thing, but I couldn't handle the circumstances: First of all, we were drunk. Sometimes drunk people say things they don't mean. And if that wasn't enough, he's seeing someone else. We're not supposed to be that serious if he's seeing someone else. (Don't get me wrong -- I want to be that serious.)

This guy is awesome -- I could go on and on. He's okay with the monogamy thing, it's actually that he just has to decide whether he wants to lose the other woman as a lover or not. Or lose me for good, because I don't think I could deal with him as just friends.

We talked about doing a two week thinkaboutit, only that sounded so horrible (hello, it's Christmas!) that we decided that it was a bad plan. So instead, I guess I'm waiting, indefinitely, until he figures it out or I go nuts and just call it off. (This sucks!)

He's got lots of his own issues that are coming up because of this, sexual stuff, responsibility/time-to-grow-up stuff, but I think that's all a cover for the fact that he actually just has to make this painful decision.

Of course this raises all sorts of other questions -- will a "favorable" choice mean that we have way too much pressure to be a happy couple? Will I be angry about this for way too long? (Is it possible to survive this as a couple?) I don't like waiting for my life because of someone else, but this guy is awesome, I won't just give him up.

So other than venting, I just wanted to know: Any words of wisdom? Is there a better way to do this? Thanks.

-- Annie

Dear Annie,

I've said it before, I'll say it again: boyfriend wants to have his fruitcake and eat it too. He is allowed, initially, to date more than one person (in fact, I think we'd all do well to go back to the measured days of Brady dating). But once one person in the triangle, rhombus, dodecahedron, or whatever, wants more (say, to go "steady"), then yes, he must rethink what he wants -- though yes, he is still allowed to rededicate himself to polydating. And he is also allowed to have issues about responsiblity, commitment, whatever. Who doesn't? But he is not allowed to mess with anyone's mind (including his own) by saying those six little words ("Cuervo Gold and I love you"). Whoops, too late.

Before I go on/forget, here's one thing you mention that I wouldn't necessarily worry about: whether this potentially rocky start does or doesn't bode well for happy couplehood. Never mind that. It's a rare relationship, Annie, that starts off complication- or past-entanglement-free. Wishing for anything else is what Breakup Girl calls a fool's gold standard. Heck, arguably, you start out with a fixer-upper, and you're that much more invested, attached, and devoted. You know?

So what to do? Well, you can't make him do anything. So you, Annie, need to decide what truly works for you. Venting is a good thing -- as is, sure, cutting him some he's-human slack -- but waiting "indefinitely" may not be. Deadlines, Annie, sound harsh, but they can be a gift for everyone. I understand your preferring a justdoit to a thinkaboutit during the holidays, but beyond that, no, I'd don't want you tapping your toe under the mistletoe for someone who may or may not show up. He already knows what you want, right, Annie? So tell him by when. And either he'll come through or he won't. Up to him. Remember, y'all, you don't set a deadline as a threat, strategy, or tactic; you set a deadline because it's unhealthy and unpleasant for you to hang by a single thread of tinsel until the next millennium.

And then you stick to it. Right?

gr3ruth@pacbell.net

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