Willy Wonka had the right idea.
He took the little short bastards
and enslaved them.

You can hear their songs,
soft murmuring voices singing
"oompah loompah doopity doo."
Willy knew that they were chanting a curse.
In their native language,
it means "I want to violate your mother's carcass."

So he lied to them,
said "work will make you free."
But the only freedom he allowed
was a quick death,
and then only if he was in a good mood.
You see, he knew what a lot of you might not:
Midgets are purest evil,
beings from another dimension
hell-bent on destroying all things tall.
That's why he painted them bright orange--
they're easier to pick off from the guard towers that way.

He was a cruel man at times.
Willy had a pair of combat boots
which he'd use to kick and stomp
any midget who got rowdy with him
or tried to escape.
He'd wake them all up at night
after catching an escapee
and scream "I got my boots on!"
They all knew what it meant.

But they were rebellious fuckers!
He'd try to starve them out,
then wait to catch them stealing food
so he could jump up behind them and say
"what are you doing with that sausage?"
Then he'd crucify one
and leave it floating in mid-air,
its stomach full of fizzy-lift drink.
Or sometimes he'd torture them
by making them eat that gum
that makes them swell up like a blueberry,
and then he'd force the others to juice them for food.

Even though he's gone into hiding
Willy Wonka is a hero to me,
the Norman fucking Schwarzkopf of midget hate.
Some might criticize his methods,
say he's guilty of height crimes,
but those are just traitors to their tall brethren.
And now, when I'm sucking on an Everlasting Gobstopper
or eating Wacky Wafers,
I can feel Willy's spirit speak through me
and I have to scream
"HEIGHT POWER! SEEK HEIGHT! HEIGHT POWER!"

take me BAAAAAAAACK!!!!

by the way...i did not write this excellent piece, i merely gleaned from an Incredibly Offensive and MAssively Hilarious site called National Midget Resistance
please go there. it rocks much balls.

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