Today I'm definitely going to spew.

Understand that my life in general is really good. I've got a job I really like, a fianceé I really love, and a wedding I really want to do to plan.

So, I hate stealing time from my employer to do my journal. I try to do it at lunch, or before the 'official' start of work each day. I can't seem to focus on it at home, or on my other project, which is going very well on paper, but there's not a single electronic document for it yet.

The last time I felt this way, I stopped the main time-user, and started work on my creative projects. That was IRC. I left some good people behind. {Thankfully, there were there when I went back.} I left some hurts behind as well, and could focus on the things I wanted to do.

I want to give my employer as much of my time as possible. I'm starting to get really busy, and I like that. I want to be here for several years. I like the environment, I want to use that longevity to buy a house, I want to relax and not worry about work for awhile. I want time to improve my non-working life.

At home, though, I want to spend as much of my waking time with Azura. We don't have that much, and her schedule isn't predictable anymore, so I grab as much time as I can with her. I know, quality time is more important than the quantity of time...but cut me some slack. I'm in love, I've got all that new relationship energy, and I want to spend it with her, dammit!

But there's some things I need to do on my own, too. Like this journal. Like some other writing and creating. Where do I find the time? Where do I make it?

If Azura were definitely on the schedule I wrote about last week, it'd be no trouble at all. I'd have from 9 until 11 or 12 to work on my projects. That's really a long time, if you actually sit down and work during it. It's just getting that focus and doing it. To stop playing with toys, and begin the actual doing.

I have to play with some toys, to do my projects, but ultimately they graduate from toy to tool. Some things, like our playstation, or Riven, or whatnot they are just toys. Useful for making weekends disappear, but that's it.

And that's part of my anger at myself. Azura and I spend all day on saturday (from 11 o'clock when we got up--late--until 1am--again, late) playing games on the playstation. Oddworld was/is a fun game, and we could both play it at the same time (bonus!). We played FinalFantasy7, too, with Azura commenting, and me controlling. But my day disappeared.

Sunday, we overslept, played the game a bit more, and went over to Informer and Hawk's place to game. We hadn't seen them since Moose and Squirrel left, since Azura and I have been so busy. It was good to see them again, and we wound up talking to Moose and Squirrel as well. Squirrel will be down here for Thanksgiving--hopefully we'll see her.

Of course, that's just another demand on my time! Yaaargh!

What do I have to do? Become a hermit?

This week I've been fantasizing that I could get a grant or an advance to just stay home and work on my writing. I'd have all the time I needed to create, as well as time to spend with Azura. It's just a fantasy, and I'm not sure I could work without the time pressure, but it does show my mood.

I need to think, and plan about using my time more productively. I can do it, I've done it before. I used to actually write this every day when I was organizing my time. I just need to decide what is important and do it.

Generic Joe's A Typical Male