Background:
A friend of mine (lets call him Waldo) went on a trip to Mexico. While there he and his tripmates tried to outdo each other finding the tackiest soveniers. I don't know what anyone else found but my friends was pretty bad. It was a fish, an ugly, garishly colored, ill formed, papier mache fish. A true peice of junk, its not even up to the level of "garage sale", but it has a few charms. He moved and wouldn't you know it left it behind at my house.
After I sent him an E-mail to tell him of his error, I got inspired. What follows is a complete and unadulterated account of pure fiction. It appears here as it did in my E-mails; unedited, "shooting from the hip", less than 15 minutes spent on each peice. I still think it came out pretty well. I cut out anything that didn't have to do with the fish (pesonal stuff). Waldo didn't respond about the fish everytime or it just didn't make sense when he did, so I cut most of that too. Without further ado, "The Fish Chronicles".
6-3-1999 1:08 PM:
You left your FISH behind. The one you got in Mexico. I swear, buying that tacky thing and then trying to unload it on us. You fiend. I ought to smack you over the head with it the next time I see you.
6-6-1999 10:57 PM Waldo replied:
I promise that I will take the fish of your hands before you make me sleep with the real fishes! : ) When I come down for mission trip, I'll grab it, I apologize for having offended you so! : )
6-7-1999 12:42 AM:
Oh, sorry about the fish, I sent it into high orbit on a model rocket. I think it should be over Japan right now. I set it up with a high resolution camera and am using it as a spy satellite. I hope the military doesn't find out, I'm hoping to get some aerial shots of "area 51". Either that, or candid photos of celebrities to sell to tabloids (I've got to fund my space program somehow.)
6-7-1999 11:39 PM:
The fish is no longer in low earth orbit. I had some guidance problems and had to abort my mission. Luckily I managed to bring it down nearby (you should see the crater it made). I am now in the process of outfitting it to break the landspeed record for an unmanned vehicle. The main problem is a lack of driver. I figure on putting a powerful computer on board to do the steering corrections. My gameboy's screen isn't working but the processor is intact. I think it will be up to the job if I outfit it with a F-1 Pole Position cartridge (since they haven't released Mario Kart for the gameboy yet). I will keep you updated on my progress.
6-8-1999 12:15 AM Waldo replied:
With my education in mechanical engineering (my planned major) I ought to be able to assist you in your goals for landspeed records! : )
6-8-1999 12:20 PM:
Sorry, your future expertise in Mechanical Engineering wont be needed for any attempts at a landspeed record. During a test run down the median on 1960, the tricked out fish hit a lovebug. Since the fish was travelling at over 500 mph at the time, the results were catastrophic. The gameboy was totally destroyed, along with several cars, three trees and a cheese danish. Amazingly no one was injured and the fish survived unscathed. However, paying for all the damage has depleted the last of the funds I generated by
selling photos from the orbital fish cam. This has led to the abandonment of any future attempts at a record.
6-9-1999 3:06 PM:
Since my latest exploits have drained my cash reserves I have had resort to drastic measures. The fish is currently being rented out to upscale parties. Its a really big hit with the 20-something hacker crowd, but for the life of me I can't figure out why. I think it may have acquired its underground fame after word of its sub-orbital trip got out. I'm making oodles of cash. If only I had gotten pics of Area 51 while the fish was up, I wouldn't have to waste time showing off the fish for money, its so degrading.
6-10-1999 6:07 PM:
I've made a small fortune with the fish, in a very tacky way I must admit. Anyway, now that I have enough funds for future experimentation, I will be able to retire the fish as a party animal. I probably would have had to anyway, a riot started at the last party the fish was at. I told you it was becoming popular with the hacker crowd. Well, they were holding a large gathering, and the fish was there to help draw a crowd for the important issue of free speech on the web. However, a group that wants to ban certain information from the web, like how to build a bomb, heard about the gathering. They decided to disrupt the festivities by setting of pipebombs during the main speakers oration (go figure). Pandemonium ensued because the fish was at the center of the blast. Many hot heads rushed out the door or to their laptops for quick retribution. Such drastic measures were not needed, as the fish had survived the explosion without so much as a soot
stain. I am continually amazed at its durability. So, with such a controversial image, the fish retires from the limelight. I will now stick to quiet research, utilizing the fish to the best of its amazing properties.
6-11-1999 11:01 PM:
Speaking of computers, I'm using the fish as a processor in a workstation. I super cooled it using Liquid Helium and found out it was getting 2.56 times 10 to the 7025th MIPS (million instructions per second). I think that's what I'm getting. I tried finding PI and came out with Pisces instead. Its apparently not using binary math. If I can figure out its amazing properties I may be able to solve one of life's great mysteries. Why Dick Clark has stopped aging. That and maybe design a World Cup yacht, play some Quake, and hack into Bill Gate's computer.
6-12-1999 1:30 PM (in a message titled 'No the fish doesn't talk funny cuz its in helium):
Speaking of the fish, while doing some high level computations (I was trying to create a sequel to Titanic) it crashed. Since I was using an advanced custom programing language and the fish is just so bizarre, there were complications. Someting about the strange fish math combined with the computational error caused the Liquid Helium to combust. This is norally impossible, Helium is an extemely non-reactive element. I don't know how it happened but it took out a good part of the countryside with the explosion. Luckily I had decided to keep my lab away from the house. Besides, the company that is supplying my Liquid Helium couldn't find the house. Anyway, while rummaging through the debris, I found the fish and he didn't have a scratch on him. The government has banned me from any further supercooled fish experiments. So, any plans to dechiper Jim Carrey's MTV Movie Awards acceptance speech have ground to a halt.
Tune in next time for more adventures....
-Mixed Metaphor
Send Mail to:mixedmetaphor@yahoo.com
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