"on an evening such as this
it's hard to tell if i exist
if i pack the car and leave this town
who'll notice that i'm not around?
 --barenaked ladies, pinch me


thursday, june 3, 2004
superman

i'm still trying to get something together for jonathan... it's harder than i thought.. saying goodbye to someone so close but never been intimate with or romantic with is a better choice of words is weird. well if he was a chick it wouldn't be.... ugh... be back soon.


wednesday, june 9, 2004
just a series of goodbyes...

i made the decision to not watch the Dawson's Creek finale. i didn't think i'd take it well. that was months ago... i've been putting together songs for a cd for jonathan - a goodbye cd. it just so happens that i downloaded the finale. and how fitting. it's about saying goodbye. all about saying goodbye. this past year has been nothing but a series of those. first aaron... then ryan... chicago... just my life in general i'm saying goodbye to. i had a conversation with a friend tonight on the phone (jeff) and i mentioned that i've been here for almost 8 years and have nothing at all to show for it. why did i come here? that's what he asked. i usually tell people it's because i needed to get away from Gary, IN. i needed to get away from Troy. i had an "in" here in chicago and chose to cash in on it. i still sorta think that really is the reason. but i'm finding out that i haven't always thought before i acted. but, i figured i would be just fine. instead i got sick. and then even more sick. soon i was just trying to survive. about that time i ran across aaron in the christchurch, new zealand channel and immediately i was whooped. and what it turned into was this crush that allowed me to escape what i was or wasn't doing right in my life. from there... his words on the screen were like messages from God at times. i didn't know this guy from anyone but the things he'd tell me were right. they were right on. we grew into this weird, obnoxious computer something friendship and i became very attached to him. when he finally left (one of us was going to do it) i wasn't too concerned. i figured that he'd find me. he said he would. i heard in his voice or words that he needed to go somewhere new and start over... and somehow i knew that it wasn't going to include me. but i held on. i still hang on. pretty pathetic.

i wonder if in this last year i've started to realize how really lonely i was all those years and that without him i have to face this place alone. i have to grow up. i have to get the hell out of this place and start over too.

i'm a little angry that people think i'm merely moving back to Indiana because of jeff. i made my decision to go back much earlier than when i met him. i was putting it all in gear and then i met him. no one really knows that though. they say they do... my parents... him. but i don't know. i think jonathan gets it. after all he was the only one that "got" aaron. he knows that i've needed to get out of here. and he knows that it has nothing to do with being with jeff. it has to do with being in a place where i belong... not a place where i can hide out and ignore reality. i have not lived - lived here in chicago ever. i know i can live my life in indiana... sure, i don't want to be alone. but no one at my age really (or any age) wants to be alone. so, yeah, i happy that i'm going to be living with jeff. but there is so much more about going home then just him. it's where i belong. and if i'm there for awhile and don't feel like i belong then i'm just going to kick my ass until i do feel it. it's home.

my sister wrote a poem a while back. if you've been a regular here (and i don't think i have many of those anymore) then you'll know that i don't have much of a relationship with my sister. but i really don't have the energy or desire to explain. anyway... she wrote a poem about going home. if you hit the link you'll get the poem and a little glimpse of where i grew up. i may put up more photos some day.

i'm tired. i always get the great idea to start one of these things but then lose the energy to really make the entry into something worth reading. the entry was about a series of goodbyes... the Dawson's Creek finale only fueled the fire. i had to start thinking about saying goodbye and so long... most of my goodbyes up to this point didn't really have a happy ending like the finale did (well sorta did). i never really got a true chance at saying goodbye to anyone in a respectible manner. *sigh* i included the poem because one of my goodbyes this year has been to the home i grew up in (born and raised there). a month ago the people who bought it from my parents took a wrecking ball to it... demolished it into the basement. oh the fun times i had in that basement... the house... the countryside that i grew up in. between all of that and my piano i had a wonderland to live in. it was a place that i could escape from when i needed to... ah, but then i came here to chicago and really learned what hiding and escaping could be like.

there is one goodbye that i still have to make. eventually i'll be saying goodbye to jonathan... at least the jonathan that i see every week. it'll be phone conversations for awhile. but i'm sure... just like aaron or ryan... or my sister who took off and never looked back... there will be a real goodbye... this one though, will be one that we will both have a part in making. it'll be ok. just like joey, pacey, dawson and the creek... so... until later. hope you enjoyed the poem.


friday, june 11, 2004
i can not find the
words to say i need you so...


wednesday, june 15, 2004
how will i ever know?

shortly after my divorce in '96 i moved to miller, indiana which is on lake michigan. the apt was an old lake house that had been there forever. it was two story and had huge picture windows that stretched from one side of the house to the other on both floors and they looked right out onto the lake. it also had a porch to die for. at the time i was teeny-tiny and wore a next to nothing size black bikini all the time. it was late spring. i had been asked to leave the school for saftey sake (that's a different entry i'm afraid) and would be paid for the rest of the year plus. so i left... i moved out to this apt and literally sat on my ass on that porch or down on the beach in my teeny-tiny black bikini. as luck would have it i met someone - go figure. (again, the manner in which i met him is a different entry as well.) Troy Campbell. that was his name. he was a gary police officer. i think he probably still is. he worked nights. i met him and i think he was actually the first guy to ever ask me out on a date. sorta... asked me if it would be ok to ask me. i know that seems corny to you but it was a complete change for me. (boy am i leaving lots out here).

we talked on the phone a lot for before we actually went out. he'd call when he got off work around 11:00pm and we'd talk about cubs and sox baseball. we just had a really great time talking. then one night he took me out. he took me to a bar that one of the other officers owned. it was great. he treated me as if i was the only one who actually existed there that night. even the bartender said that she thought we were so cute together. a bartender that knew him very well. awww, cute. but anyway. we had a fantastic time. the bar was a 5:00am bar and we stayed there about that long. he drove me home and stayed the night. in the morning (morning?) we were talking about being together and he said he had something he needed to take care of and couldn't talk to me about it. i was furious. i thought... a girlfriend that he couldn't tell me about ahead of time? hell, we talked every single night. i was angry. i was soooo angry. he left. i called his friend, mark, a cop down the street from me and talked to him about it and he said that he didn't know what Troy was talking about. and then Troy called and apologized. i could tell it was a difficult thing for him to do. he sounded like he was really sorry for hurting me. it sounded so good because frankly i'd never had anyone apologize like that... no one even cared if they ran me over. including myself, i suppose. a few days later he called and it was as if things - that conversation - really didn't take place. we both knew that he had "other obligations" but we didn't really dwell on them and i didn't ask for details. so we continued to date.

we continued to hang out with his friends and their wives and gf's. they were all so awesome to me and talked about how much Troy and i should be together. i listened. i liked what i heard. why shouldn't i? he was awesome (a bit skewed i suppose but still...) soon the "other obligation" didn't matter because he was spending nearly all of his free time with me. he'd even come to my place after work and spend the night... most of the time just sleep. i was in heaven. honestly... we'd go out and get a little too drunk and say things. usually i'd make a comment about how hard it was because i knew that there was someone else somewhere out there with him and i was alone. i remember one evening we were standing at his truck at the bar and i made a comment that he must think it was all so easy for me because i didn't have someone else? his reply was "do you think that you don't have my head spinning a million miles an hour all the time? do you think this is really, honestly easy for me?" well. well. hmmm. well. i really liked hearing that even though i knew it was hard for him and wrong. but just having the comfirmation that he was having a hard time not falling for me was what i needed. he went home with me again that night and we slept.

there were other times that i knew that he was falling... one night we were in the shower (this might be too much for someone... sorry) and we were standing there, water running over us and he just stared at me. he touched my face very lightly with one hand and said, "if only i'd met you sooner. all of this would be different." and i swear i saw a tear - even through the water from the shower. ok, i realize that was another clue that this was not going to turn into anything but i was so hooked by then that i thought if i just kept doing what i was doing he'd leave her and i'd get him. and i really, really wanted him!

then one night, after much more had happened between us, my friend lynne came to visit. Troy had been out of town and got in very late. lynne and i went to the bar and had some drinks. mark, Troy's friend and my neighbor was there with us. i'd spent a lot of time with mark just as friends. we were close and i thought very honest with eachother. however, that night, the bartender - smutty owner/fellow officer - pulled me aside and said, "jami, you don't know do you?" and i looked at him and thought you piece of shit. i don't know what? i thought he was just trying to "get me" which is what everyone warned me about. but there was something in his eyes that i took a second thought... he told me and promptly marched into the men's room and drug mark right out. i told him to tell me the truth. he said he didn't know what i was talking about but soon caved in and told me... Troy was going to get married in sept '97 about a year or so. i was sick. he'd been engaged for - get this - 7 years. or they had talked for that many years about getting married and he'd proposed a few years after that. again, did i mention that i was sick. thank God that lynne was there. she is the only one that could have handled me in that situation. she got me home. she did her best to not let me call Troy. but i did. i remember yelling at him on the phone telling to tell me right then and there that he didn't love me. i said, "tell me that you don't love me!" his reply was that he couldn't do that and please, he didn't want me to make him do that. i was sick. he came over that night and thank God, again, i was too drunk by that time that i can't remember the conversation. him begging me to understand. understand? he fucked me over. it was that clear.

i had and have never since been so completely lost. all these friends and gf's that knew his fiance... nothing. in fact, they were encouraging me to really hang on tight to him. just sitting here right now i can feel the emptiness and ache... the shortness of breath i felt after i woke up and fumbled through the next day with a helluva hangover. that shortness of breath... that just doesn't go away. before this happened i wasn't all that trusting so i didn't usually get too let down. but this experience... it absolutely changed my life. i don't trust anyone anymore except jonthan and my parents. i'm sure there might be few others too.

this entry came out of panic a few hours ago from my not being able to find jeff. the man is so totally good to me but when i can't find him... i lose it. i really really lose it. Troy was amazing to me. he soooo built up my insides after jeff (my ex-husband, not the present jeff in my life) had beat them out of me. Troy said i was survivor and that was the most about me that he respected. we had fun? nights where i'd kick his ass in chess. nights when he'd just stop by after work in his uniform just to have a bowl of cereal and unwind. the times we'd be together all night long... dancing in his room with nothing on but his police jacket and hat.... yeah, too sexual. but it really wasn't. it was just so impromptu that it felt like it was perfect. the night he took me out on the dance floor and danced like he'd been swinging it for many years - he was one damn good white boy who danced. boy could he move. and when he looked at me... he looked inside of me. and i inside of him - ha, at least i thought. boy was i wrong - or was i? was he honestly trying to hide it all because he just really loved being with me and wanted to be with me so badly. that's what he told me.

so i saw him a few times after that. in fact, before it all blew up i was only suppose to page him when i wanted to talk to him. i was ok with that because i figured he would get my message quicker and get back to me sooner. ha. no. that wasn't it. it was that he didn't want me to call him at home because he was still with his parents until he and jennifer finished redoing their new home. after it blew up he'd call me at work and beg me to call him. even call him at his mom's work number. i really felt like he did love me but it was just too late. i finally moved to chicago - out of miller/gary when he actually went as far as asking me to come to his wedding with his mark. he said that during the reception we could sneak off and be together for awhile. wow. that was too much. i almost went with it. God was i whooped. i suppose i'll always have feelings for him. i'll never forget that shower or that dance in his room... the songs that were, according to him, "our songs" - they still haunt me. i once wrote poem about him several years ago ironically about music. if you are interested here's the link. ok, so, since i started this jeff has called and all is, of course, well. i'm going way, way, way out on a limb here and going to say that he is as trustworthy as jon or my parents. i love him very much (jeff)! but i still freak. i still can't deal with not knowing everything. i just pray to God that i'll get this worked out and just learn to let it go again... trust God. in the next few days i'm moving in with him. with everything he's done for me and what he is doing for me now.... how can he possibly be a bad guy? why do i wonder this? i guess this entry. what Troy did to me... that should be enough to explain it. right or wrong.

shit! two really long entries written within a week of eachother. what is happening? i guess i need to get it out. this has always been my dumping ground. so... if you made it this far.... thanks! i gotta get a move on. take care - talk soon! j