February 20, 2002 If you have been keeping up with my journal, you'd know that I've been taking diabetes drugs, exercising, and actually sticking snugly to my food plan for about a month. Hell, I even bought a new pair of pants -- a size smaller than my last pair. In fact, I can fit into my skinny ass skirt. Everyone has a skinny ass skirt. Maybe it's a skinny ass pair of pants, dress, or blouse, but you know you have one. It's the item of clothing that when you can bend over in it comfortably that you know you're doing good. As I continue to lose weight of course, that item of clothing may change to the skinny ass pants in my closet, but for now, my guidepost is I can fit in my skinny ass skirt. I went to the doctor's yesterday, to pick up some meds and stuff and decided to weigh in while I was there. Mind you, I fully expected to be down 10 lbs or more. The scale said I'd GAINED 21 lbs. I was stunned, flabbergasted and horrified. I know for a fact, that you can not exercise as much as I am, eat as little as I am and GAIN 21 lbs in a MONTH!! While fighting off the abiding panic and upset, I told them their scale is wrong because I've lost a size in the past month. The nurse looked at me and agreed that I'd dropped quite a bit of weight since she saw me last and that she'd fix the scale. That should have been it for me, but it wasn't. I talked to a few friends and it was suggested that I gained 21 lbs of muscle. I'm sorry, but while I've been getting more muscly and strong, I have not been popping steroids and pumping iron. I put on my swimsuit and I had fabric crinkling in all kinds of places because I've lost weight. And even though I know that I've lost weight and everyone tells me that, I find I am so threatened and under the control of what the stupid scale says. And I'm mad at the scale for being wrong, well and terrified that it could be true. Mike said I should go to Target and stand on one of their bathroom scales and do some verifying for my peace of mind. I know for a fact those bastards keep their scales in boxes and I'm just not doing it. And I'm afraid to. Because what if the doctor's scale was actually right this time and it was just off all those times before? That would mean that while I've lost weight, that I sure weighed a lot more than I thought before and that would suck, too, because I'd be a lot more behind in my progress than I'd hoped. What pisses me off the most is that I can't let this go for some reason. 21 erroneous pounds freaks me out to whole new levels of freak. It brings me back to the shadowy past of my eating disorders and issues with my body and food and freakiness. And the final reason I'm freaky is that if the scale is right,then is it from the diabetes medication? In which case, what the hell do I do now? And never mind that I swam for an hour last night and didn't hurt a bit this morning. Never mind that I can walk for an hour and totally love it. I'm pissed and sad because I'm so lame that I'm at the mercy of a lying skank ho scale.
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