Saturday Sep 27, 1986
9:25
Been sitting here thinking of whether to write anything or not. There's stuff to write but the locatino is boring. Even if I was at Whitewater I still wouldnt write.
Last night went to see Jay perform in "Oliver" at Easley. Tony and Debbie and Gerald and John went too. The play was good. I really enjoyed the after show better. Being out late at night with other people you know, "friends?". Wen went to Shoney's after the play. Heard the train whistle, "felt" the night. Was going to write last night on CourthHouse Steps but it was after midnight and there was anohter group upon Main Street. Maybe no one else was there I would have stoped. Still trying to match mood and location and searching for the thuoghts and words to go together.
I dont know what to do today.
2:00 thereabouts
Heywood Mall. Is sitting on a mall bench the same as sitting on a Pavilon bench? It's not outside but inside, it's not by the beach but being inside does that make any diff? Mallies. That's the short lived buzz word the kids called themselves. Hangout by a phone - act like "we" got some action going down. charles Shultz and Peanuts, that's where I learnt that from. They're a few here but most stay on the move, ore is it prowl or trolling? Thye dress up, ore is it down, with knee length shoarts, double shourts, jump pants, bleached out rolled up jeans and multicolor sneakers. They're even some with slacks and ties, but I think they're not relly mallies - more like BJU students.
==== Remember what Phil said, "They'll make great shelters, come the Revolution."
Out in front of Greenville Mall, as I was walking up to the front, this lady looks at me twice and asks "Steve?". "No, wrong person" they only reply.
One of the clothing stores has a live, animated, "robot" model. It's been a while since I had seen one of them. She doesnt have a pattern but she does repeat her moves. I think she's not self hypnotized just well disciplined.
So what else is there to note as I sit and watch? Remember, when was the first one? and where? Heywood seems to be the 'in' place to be with the young people. {{There's this preteen boys with wesc stickers, stuck to them. Is this a youthful, upstate, americanized punker?}}
The thought of Spencers passed through my mind, Spencer's and Malls will be synomous because of Pembroke in VaB.
Today, the loner level holds the mood. I wonder why the upper decks do not? {Pause} Listen to the sounds. Not just the talking and music, and water and wheels, But the squeeking of rubber sole sneaks on tile. There's miniture rainbows from prism glass to go with the sounds. Color of lights and walking fiberics. Movement of youth, 'trolling' for each other. Motion, sight, sound, youth chasing the mood which they create.
==== Whether it's sitting on a bench inside a mall, or on a bench outside by the beach, it's really the same - watching and chasing the mood wherever the trail might lead. ==== Clothes, making a statement about one's self or are "they" following the fashion? Wear the 'in' things of you own youth or age for the consertive look when youthful things dont look rigth anymore. There's fashion and then there's that make your own look. Better yet is that very own, nonconformist, individual design which isnt copied by other make your own look look.
What's the tyupical "trolling" time? Two circuits, twenty minutes, -- two teen punk wretches just trolled by -- two up and two down, an hour mayber. By my own behaviour -- I've only made two rounds. But that ws because I didnt fit in. -- I dont care about fitting in this afternoon, so here Isit for an hour or so. Idid check the watch to make sure. --- The wesc sticker kids, have masks now.
Saturday Sep 27, 1986
7:15
Courthouse steps. No matter where I go, what I do, it seem taht I always find my way back to familar places doing familar things, like sitting and watching from courthouse steps. Rode out to the western triangle and back around the church jsut like a long long time ago. Only tonight I dget ot sit and think. Think aboute the places I've been the last three weeks. Sit here on Main Street Pickens and think of Whiteside, Highlands, Blue Valley, Dayton, Chatanooga, Tennessee River Bridge, Alabama, Rome, Atlanta, Athens, Clark Hill, Columbia, USC, and Myrtle Beach, the people at Myrtle Beach. Isnt that what coming home is about, to sit in familar places and think about where and what? Yes, for a change instead of wondering wher and what "they" have been and done, I can think about "I".
You can sit and think and watch all you want to, but if you dont start writing stories instead of what you see and think, you'll always going to sit and think and watch.
Wednesday Oct 1, 1986
7:40
Greenville Mall. Sitting in the jeep thinking of the movie I just saw, "StandByMe" about preteen buddies, and friendships. It was a Rob Piver film and productino, had John Cusack (SureThing) in it too. Saw what an empty mall looks like and how it felt when I stepped outside -- that warm hot Summer, street life feeling.
I've done some other things this week too and I should have wrote about them earlier. Maybe later.
8:40
Courthouse steps Pickens of course. I was just going to drive through town once, but there was this goups of kids parked in front of the courthouse. So I thought that I wouldnt have stopped anyway but then I thought this is a week ngith and the Street belongs to me during the week -- especially the part in front of the Courthouse. So I cruise around the north block and out to the westend and back. Sure enough, they knew better thatn to hang around after they saw me. So here I sit on CHS writing more thought of the same ole thoughts.
Those other things I've done this week. Went to Bell Tower to see "Out of Bounds" but to get there Mondy night I left work early to go to the OpenBook at Clemson. Got a slang dictionary there and then I thought about what Iv'e thought about doing while in Clemson some night -- GO to the Sloan St BookStore and buy Playboy and Playgirl and somet other gay skin mag. So I did this time, turned out to be Playguy. So I've been looking at pictures of nude young men. Mostly the faces trying to read their lives from their expressions. Like starving actor / model / runaway type. Yes, the young street kids are in the Playguy too. Maybe little piece of "real world" to remind me that it's really real bad news for some of them.
Saturday Oct 4, 1986
2:30
Whitewater Falls. When I got over here, there was this kid, no 20's man. He was sitting at the very edge. he was writing in a hardback book. Another "writer man". He's gone now, so is everyone else who was here when I got here. I'm alone again - naturally. but maybe it could have been otherwise, I could have takld to him. And there were these two girls sitting on the upper, overheadd, overlook. I saw them coming up the road from the sliding rock area. Maybe they were trying to make contact, they were waving and everything. Damn inhibitions !
Friday I talk with one of the new (old new) guys at work. He's from LA, he gree up there and lived there till fall '84. He's 28 this year so his teens were of the '70s vintage. In trying to decipher if his close obeservation of LA validated the "movie - tv" depection he would say no it isnt - is worst but then not as bad either. I think the decision was it's close to what I thought. But then some of what he siad could have been direct quoted from "movie -tv" depections.
I told him I wanted to talk some more, but I doubt if we will. Those people at work never want to socialize with me.
But that doesnt matter, I've taked to someone from 'the city' and it felt good to be that close. Hollywood is where the runaways aare - the inner city is for the bums and winos types. The teens do the beach area. He went back this past january, said it had really changed in 18 months. Also said it was expessive to be there too. So I guess if I ever do go, I'll have to drive.
{Pause} He siad the runaways do end up on the streets as hookers {male and female} and the ponofilms and the mafia does control the kids, with drugs and a lot of them show up dead on the strees and the mafia controls the politicans, cityu official and could hassle anyone who tried to help the kids, But that an individual operating from the east coast might be able to get a few out without any broken bones.
{LATER STILL} Did you know that this River and Waterfalls is so dry that I jsut SAT on the edge of the most eastern part, Where the really fast sluice is, yo know, where the water bounces back up about half way up the falls. I can see how the rock is being worn away by the impact of the falling water. It lands in a lopsided oblong bowl, part of the water splashes over the other part - I woudl draw apicture but I cant draw either - like playing the guitar, there four others her now - agirl and three boys. I think? I havent looked yet.
{Pause and wander around> Well look where I sat down - in the same place taht the kid guy I saw today. This real is a warm feeling, moody place. Part of it must be due to the guy - but think of the others who sat here too - over the dry years. It's comfortabley - cozy securly homing feeling. We will soon see if it (this mood) holds up under the closeness fo these people come in from overhead.
Runaways - porno - mafia, is there no escape for them. How muchdid I cause by buying that gay mag? It's the {{faces}} and the {{eyes}} that I saw.
I thought I heard voices, but I dont see bodies.
6:25
Mazzio's Pizza -- I was think on the way down, Have I ever done Whitewater then Mazzio. I know I've done McDs Clemson.
=== But there's something much more important ! Those kids (teens) I saw go down the West side right next to the falls. They went down the first steep left they could take. I heard them hollowing from down there, but they were doing that before. I thought about going back -- I'd stop and think then go on. When I got to the overlook -- THE FATHER was there, "Did you see any teenagers over there?" "Yes down the left side." Went on to the jeep. I sat in the jeep and thought "should I go back, still? If you dont you'll feel bad - could have helped, could have got involved." "But no, if I do they most likely be coming out. Or worst, I could get over there and see a dead boy." "You wouldnt help a street kid if your life depended on it, either way it does." "God's talking to you - you had better go back."
I do. There's a youth standing beside the father. But he said two were down the regular trail. "Is that one of them?" "Yeah." "Which way did they come out?" "Back around the road."
I felt a lot better for going back. I think the kid standing there was the {unreadable}. "Thanks God for making me go back. Maybe there hope for me yet."
So what's happening in LA while I sit here, eating pizza? {4:00 pactime}. Why LA even? What about Chatta? or Atlanta?
IT'S STILL THE OLD PICTURES THAT MAKE THIS PLACE.
Monday Oct 6, 1986
8:10
CHS. There's two things to make note of today. In the Scott Madsen picture book I order last week and received today, it said int the intro that lots of people across america liked, fell in love with, what they saw in the soler flex ad. Is that what I sensed when I saw what I saw? Everybody's feelings?
The other thing was in the movie tonight, Herion, Golden Triangle, Bad Officals. Mystic of Hong Kong. The Vile, reteched side of humanity.
Tuesday Oct 7, 1986
7:40
CHS. There's chill in the air tonight, It's not cool even, only 70 or less. But still a chill. Fall Feeling is Ketching up with reality maybe. Do the street people dread it? the cold weather. Do they wonder who will survive to greet Spring? Will they themselve? It's the breeze that takes away the warm - body heat. And how long can my "soft" life take a 68 degree breeze? -- I saw, throught the bank window, a young man cleaning the hanging light --
Somewhere, now, they are standing around a street corner fire -- Fire to warm the outside, wine to warm the inside and loose one's feelings all together. It's only a chill in the air tonight, and yet, I feel for them alread. Maybe the packers are resting well in south Flordia. It's still a little warm there.
Does the Scott Madsen theing really mean I feel what the "people" feel? A global "empathetic" soul?
Wednesday Oct 8, 1986
?
Colony. Better write this before I leave here. It's TOO IMPORTANT: Hotel Majstic -- Playing for keeps.
Saturday Oct 11, 1986
5:55
Pizza Inn. Spent late afternoon at Randy's. He's doing well after his operation. Shellia came in right behind me. She brought two movies with here, "All of Me" and "Silkwood". The first was so bad he switched to "Silkwood". Shellia and Randy's mom arent use to the bad language people use. Other that that it was all right -- except that it was for keeps: The real Silkwood happened in seventythree and seventyfour. She was twenty eight.
On the short drive down here, I though maybe I really should write about the meaningful things - like crime and bad politics. So what if they have me killed too?
The early afternoon was one of them Saturday afternoon blues mood. Looked throught the books I got recently and read some out of that "Next Millinium" future history book. Look like most of it was SciFi - strange science and high tec long life.
==== I was feeling hunger pains toward the end of the movie. I wanted to go without eating like the street people. I wanted to eat and get drunk tonight too. It's going to be another lonely Saturday night -- So after I listen to "Perrie Home Companion", read the Mob, then I can write about the kids the Mob exploits === the FM tuner blewout last night. The old big pioneer one. Lack of use just like I knew it would sooner or later. ====
Monday Oct 13, 1986
7:45
Tonight I stayed home. I ate cold pizza and drank warm beer. I watch Bad News TV News. Reagon flushed peace down the toilet again - could have started dismantling them things. But no he had to have his theoretical star wars political hype. And then there was the earthquake thing in El Salvado.
But before I did that, I looked and studied and thought about the far away university Ts. Twofifty to threefifty worth of Ts. I wont do taht much but maybe onethirty. Oxford, Cambridge, Liverpool, Paris, Munich, Zurich, Moscow, Copenhagan, and fiftyfive more. Began to feel that olt time Eruipean student feeling. Thought about including them in the GP - like askt if there's any of "us" still alive out there?
Destemmed the bag, chopped it, processed a bit of weed to go with the University process. [pause] Maybe I really should get a word processor and do some really serious writing.
Thursday Oct 16, 1986
4:25
Warpath. Today I got bumped off the computers at 2:45 EDT. That upset me so that at 3:00 EDT I walked out the front door knowing I was not coming back that day. So you see it's really getting bad. The least little thing drives me awary from work.
So in a round about way I end up here at Warpath. Sitting and looking and thinking. I see Whiteside (I think) and I think that five Saturdays ago I ws there on top, on the edge of oblivion. I sit and think of eleven years ago when I sat around here and thought about what is there in the future. I sit and listen to the wind throught the trees, of airplanes and other woodise sounds. I also sit and listen to NPR, news from around the world, news of terrorism at Wailing Walls, of earthquakes, of wars, of politics, etal..
I sit and think of kids on the streets -- of writing a story about a street kid in Chicago, of a street kid in LA, of a street kid in New York, of a street kid in Atlanta, four or more stories in one, about street kids. I sit and think of being rich so that I can bring the street kids in off the streets. I sit and remember I told John's parents my secret ambition, they said "hope you hold on to your dreams and that they come true."
Now I just sit and think. [Pause]
I sat here and thought in seventyfive how so far far away eightyfive seemed. I remember thinking in sixtyfive how so far far away seventyfive seemed. How so significant a changing of a decade seemed. Do I dare now sit and think of how so far far away nintyfive seems? [Pause]
Chuck Berry's birthday today. Sixty years old ! -- Thirty in fiftysix and still he connected with the Kids !
8:15
CHS. I saw while driving back from Warpath, that it was a Full Moon tongiht. So maybe that's part of why the beer felt so good tonight. So that's why I thought I should stop up here and write something too. The "Alex Keaton" show was about father Keaton's college days when he co-edited a "Revolutionary" magizine. Does the good feeling tonight also meean I should put out my "Gratitious Principle" paper? So mayber now I'll just sit and think.
Saturday Oct 18, 1986
early afternoon
Whitewater Falls. I've been here for a while. I've even picked up the top already. So here I sit where the other writer man sat. Waiting for the CCs to take effect. There's a large group of college age people camping out up top - not the one on the east side, the one at the bend in the old dirt road. Must be about twenty of them. Wonder why they picked this weekend? Homecomming at Clemson - it's jsut that they perfer the nature over the Clemson football thing. So they are people around. Motor visitiors and the semipackers.
There's one thing different this time though - I bought one of them there micromini am-fm steros. So I sit and listen to music - the sound of music mixed with the sound of water. It's a nice - different - thing. Something new to mix witht something familar.
Tonight is George Burns night at Clemson and I've got a ticket and I am going. Just think - sitting here out in nature and knowing he is somewhere near and knowing the anticipation of seeing him perform tonight. I wonder if it will be crowded tonight. It's sort of like the Red Skelton thing and the Willy Nelson and Kris Kristofferson ting. Big name people I'm gon to see. But it is not like partying with Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones like Don whatshisname did in Norfolk that time in '74. I remember him say it was a real rush to smoke with them. But I can only sit and imagine.
[sit and listen to Mamas and Papas sing about LA and CalDreaming.]
Friday Oct 24, 1986
6:10
Pizza Inn. Well the whole week has passed by. And so have a lot of good thoughts to wrtie down. I made it to the George Burns Show. The Show was typical George Burns, one liners and short stories. Just like you would see on T.V. only with out the commercials.
I did learn something though. I saw this white haired gentleman hanging around the tunnel entrance during the preshow. He made one think of George Burns, abut the right height and build. Only he moved around like a healthy sixty year old - animated and talkative and looking around. But when he cam out for his show - he was bent over, needed guidance, and otherwise like an eightythree year old.
I think I learnt George Burns is a fiticious character. It hurt a little - to be so disillusioned - that he is an illusion. Maybe -"
....
Saturday Oct 25, 1986
9:25
Washing clothes. Remember the bad nights - the ones when I would wake up at three and threethirty every night and then lay there thinkig about family problems - one came back last night. ....
Thursday Oct 30, 1986
9:10
CHS. For the rest of Saturday I drank beer and cleaned the junk shelves and packed the junk away. Dont know exactly what or why I dont write during the week much any more -- Something to do with tv and books and thinking too much about writing on the computer and the PCB thing and letters to people. I wanted to take the easy way out and go on home, but I managed to drive up here instead, I'm glad I did too. The JC house is open this week - probably been all kinds of people up and down Main Street. Could have sat and watched lots of things this week. Also theres a JV game at the PHS football field. So there's people there too. The speaker voice is from the football and not the JC house.
....
Friday Nov 7, 1986
7:40
Nothing last Saturday either, but Sunday Randya nd I went to Whiteside. It clouded up and Randy was quiet. One of his if Jerry isnt going to talk I wont either. Went to movies Mondy and Wednesday ights, the "SoulMan" was really good.
Saturday Nov 8, 1986
1:57
WWF. This is the way it use to be up here - except it's better now that my bad vibs are not here. The rivers up to where it use to be. There's a fog - dense fog here - I watched it roll up the gorge. Somewhere down in Clemson the college kids are gathering for a football game, but I remember the ones {college kids} who were here in the past. And I got my forgein Ts today too. Zurich, Moscow and Athens. What I really wonder about - how much better my life would have been if, I had 'grown up' with these Falls. I think my spirit would have been better able to cope with life. I feel it now, which is great - but with the ethusaism of youth how much better could it have been.
wsbf is playing Chinese Music - It's great ! To sit here in american nature setting and listen to classical chinese. Music that's hundreds of yeas old and a waterfalls that's million of years old. This place ws here when the music was first composed !
==== It's that feeling of being a part of, mary jane smoking's past, present, and future. you know. ===
Friday Nov 14, 1986
7:30
Pizza Inn, whereelse on another lonely Friday night. It's pepperoni pizza and beer night, with a little mimai vice tossed in. Still not writing much am I. Still dont know why either. Too much of not doing anything. Still waiting on the compute to arrive, the agent to write and whatever else it is I'm waiting on.
Signs of depression - dep routed signs, because I've felt half right this Fall. Especially since the jeep tour. -- Too much to write too ! Havent wrote anything about the tour.
....
The tv news people mentioned that there're still high school football game tonight. It's going to be cold for them - freezing already and the games have yet to start. But that's part of football, a cold game night to talk about later on in life.
The waitress here, she knows what I order. DIdnt think I've come here that often - didint last week. Maybe not the week before. I think every other week's about right.
I dont sit on Main Street either, I've become so weak willed that the cold (chill) has brove me off already.
Saturday Nov 15, 1986
8:30
McDs. There's nothing left of the beer and 'reporting' from this afternoon. Now it's the loneliness setting in. Randy and Shelia are back together at his place. It hurts to be alone! It's good that they are not though. And I dont blame them for not answering the phone.
I guess there's only two things left to do: Number one: DO the Grat. Prin. paper just to see if there's an interest, number two: put everything I've everwrote on disc adn get it copyrighted. After that I've nothing left to live for. At least there's not apparently much reward for living.
Such a waste !
Friday Nov 28, 1986
7:20
Pizza Inn. Has it really been about two weeks. The times I've no long found to write my thoughts, where have they've all gone to?
I know a lot has happened - maybe that's just the problem, when there's nothing happenig I have lots of time to write - mostly out of boredome and depression. It's when I have thing to do, places to go that there's a void inmy writing. Or is it because I'm more depresseed? Depressed such that I've no mood to write. For a week and more, I've hassled with this jeep problem. The charging system wasnt working. And nothing absolutely none of the standard fixes worked. I did this six months ago too but it seems I didnt fix it then either. A new alternator, a new regulator, belt, and battery. Thats what I did six months ago. I knew it wasnt right then, but I was so pissed off at myself for screwing up and not knowing, I didnt want to admit that the problem was still there. So onward I drove. Then a week ago Thursday I drove to Easley to meet a woman. I got to her place but couldnt leave, the jeep wouldnt start. We drove to Quencys in her car, but I could only thnk of troubles wating back at the jeep. Thought of jinxes and manipulations and other werid meaning to the whole lot. Am I not ot have any mates at all? Is someone using there powers to prevetn me form being like other normal males? Is God treating me like He treated Job? And why would He?
Those were the thoughts this week. Along with my in ability to troubleshoot my jeep. My "luck" was so bad that two other people looked at my jeep and said it was the new regulator. So I buy a "new new" one and still it doesnt work.
==== So that's why it's been almost two weeks. ! ====
Friday Dec 12, 1986
7:20
Pizza Inn agian. Another two weeks too again. There's just no motive to write anymore. Too much worry about computer and work and getting behind on what I was to do with the machine. Hooked on tv again every afternoon and night this week and last two -- watch tv it's sickening. And the latest excuse is "after I get my machin, I'll do nothing else but work with it, so Id better watch tv now because they wont be any later." Still havent wrote anything on pape which is to go on disc. BUT ENOUGH OF THIS !
Tonight is the first night of PHS production of "Oklahoma" there's kids and such here tonight, along with Christmas Trimmigs, and a chill night out / cozy warm surroundign in. So it's school and winter and middle age thought I should cultivate. Lonesome, middle age lonely thoughts. Tonight with my beer and pizza and tv. === They're all teen girls too - whispering secrets in selected ears. ===
Saturday Dec 13, 1986
2:40
Whitewater Falls. It's cold. It's windy. It's not sunny, the sun is below the ridge. But i's also clear and you can see the horizon. There's ice in some places. The river's back up. There's no dry rock at the top edge now. And I thought I could sit here and write. Now I'm cold too. Just enough to record my presence here on this cold day. Maybe a trip to the bottom and back up.
Monday Dec 15, 1986
6:45
Home. I wish God would plainly explain why I'm hving such a hard time getting a computer. I thought for sure the dealer would call tonight. But no such deal. Other people just go to Grenville and get one. Whqt am I suppose to do? Do with out? Get IBM instead? Why does it seem I msut be tormented?
Saturday Dec 20, 1986
7:15
Home. Tonight is the longest night of the year. Tomorrow is the first day of Winter. And today I burnt part of my past in the campfire. The navy suits and {unreadable} So I burnt leaves and built a campfire and burnt my past. But tonight - I built a real campfire, and sat out after dark and smoked a J. And I listend to wlfj and I really felt close to God. Being by a campfire, with the cross and manger put out for the first time in so long. And it being a nice day, cold but dry. Just like Winter should be. Watched plane lights, saw Pleides, thought wounderful thoughts like someone else, an Indian setting in the same place. The Winter's eve before Jesus was born! The Shepards by their campfire, watching over their flocks. And I was listenig to wlfj play this song, "Thank You God for the good times". And when the song finished, the batterys faded away. Like God was really close and I didnt want Him to ever leave me and the bumps I felt through the Ground when I thought "Please dont leave me!" It felt really great - nature, stars, time, and most important God's presence !
And the thoughts of Good over Evil.
8:15
Randy's not home or not answering. Felt like telling someone - a close Friend, but I kind of knew the phone would go unanswered.
Friday Jan 2, 1987
7:30
Pizza Inn. Of course two weeks have past. But these have been the days between Winter solistice and English New Year. The holidays and 'twixt and 'tween days, which have not been recorded. Not that anything has happened worth writting about. It's just this lack of ambition to write anything. I'm still hung up on waiting for themachin. === If my death wish comes true before Spring, I have missed the only change of "computer writing's during the 'twist and 'tween days. Maybe that has been a major subconscience depressant.===
No sitting on Courthouse step - no seeing the Clemson lights - no writing about the lonely homeless street people. Just wasted self pity days and nights with thought of wondering why I cant get anything started. With wondering if anything I could ever write really make a diff. Floating thoughts of all the great and important things I would write about. Especially those for Gratuitous Papyrus, just for GPs.
Tuesday Jan 6, 1987
5:45
Home. Bought an '87 new Toyota small pickup yesterday. Talk about the wys and where fors later.
Wednesday Jan 7, 1987
7:45
McDs. Yes it's been a long time since I ate here -- last year even.
New Year's Day, I guess, night, No Maybe New Year's Eve. Whenever it was it was after I left moms at night. The jeep let out a major backfire. It was raining that night too so I thought maybe the water was getting on the engine and shorting out the ignition wires. It did seem to do better after it dried out. Anyway - I drove Ole Faithful on New Years day adn Friday too. Or did I drive the jeep Friday. I know I drove it Saturday morning because I got plugs for it thinking that would make the coughing and cutting out go away. It didnt. So while I'm letting it idle, listen to the new plugs, I see the fuel pump leaking. Wont it stay fixed long enough to test drive it?
So I have to decide - do I drive the jeep up town, or the VW, to get a new pump? Do I even risk wasting oil on the VW, it'll just drain out. Will it even crank. I try and it wont. Do I rall it off, I guess I should - no I'll drive the jeep so what if it leaks gas. By this time Im on the verge of breaking down and crying. Cant get either of them on the road now. Guess it time to get the truck like I've planned to. So that's what I di - drove around on a cold Sunday afternoon looking and writing down prices. And on Monday I spend the day getting a truck. It's a dark red Toyota. So now I've got four vehicles sitting over at my house.
Saturday Jan 24, 1987
10:10
Washing clothes. It snowed the past Wednesday night. Really snowed! No power Thursday morning. Cant get out - at least I wont get out in my new truck. Laid in bed - covered up head to toe. worry worry how long will it last? Worry worry how is mom doing. Cant stand the silence and helplessness. Bruning oil lamps for heat and light. The fumes mess up my sinius again. Get out about noontime and shoveled the drive. Now I'm wet and sweaty and it's still cold in the house. No power. Jeep still wont run, usuless four wheel drive vehicle. I sit and cry - I cry for myself and I cry for the others more helpless than myself. How long will they be without power? I cant stand it anymore. It's mid afternoon and still no power. I've got to try and get out. But im scared to. I dont want to drive the new truck in the snow, get hit, get stranded and still be cold. Moms power's out too since ten. I get up in a frenzing start wash clothes bath and then theres lighta nd the sound of heaters. But how long will they last? Maybe I can make it thru the night - if just the heat will stay on. Id does, so I lay in bed and watch tv dont try to do much with the computer. The next morning its all frozen over again. Still dont want to get the truck out. I shovel a little more. Randy calls and talks. Shelia's mother doesnt get out either. Everything Randy and Jimmy drive Jims jeep out to get them. Mom calls or I call mom. She didnt have power all night, so she lived by the firplace. Jackies power's out too so everybody I know does without while I cry over my minor discomfort. Selfess worthless unsacrifing poor excuse of human being. It's noon Friday sot it's time to get out on the road to see how bad it is. How much wasted worry there wass. Make it over to moms, Jackie and kids arrive too so its more complaint about how bad things are. .... Have to go up town to get moms medicine. Start to leave and see the neighbors out shoveling, trying to get their car out. He needs medicine too so I ride him up town too. Run down to Feedroom for a burger. Ride back to moms, neighbor and I talk about how bad the weathe is and it's going to do it again Sunday. Scott and I finish shoveling out their drive. I go back up town for juice and drink and gas for the truck. Had to go home first to get my check book. so I get my stuff done and stop by Randys. He is just leaving to go to Raleigh. His mom is goin on a trip and wont be back till Easter. So he's of on the snow covered road to NC. And it's going to snow Sunday when he'll have to drive back.
To be able to cope with life like I use to how much fun would it be? Especially since - since what? Since I've surpressed my feelings so much I cant cope anymore? .... Since I dont care what happens to others, only what happens to me? Since I've had to spend money for a truck because I cant keep the jeep and VW on the road anymore?
Friday Jan 30, 1987
7:45
Pizza Inn. Well now it's only a week between Journal entries. I ws just looking to make sure I wrote about the snow - I did. It seems like that happen jsut early this wek - not last week. It has been cold most of this week - the snow stayed on the ground through yesterday. Most of it has melted away today, jsut patches here and there. Cant say that I've really done much, at least not much of what hs been planned for months. Like writing programs.
The main story this week is the telephone answering machine. Yep, I've got me onw now. John told me Wednesday I guess, he had one. Got it so he could receive job hunting calls. I thought those machines were still hundreds of dollars. But he said Walmart (in Easley, I could not think of one in Greenville) ha dthem for only $65-75. So I compulsed into buying one. Had trouble getting it to work. I tried recording the cours of 'that old hippie' as an intro, but that didnt work. So after making a trip home at lunch and still no result. I made a recoding with out it. Then went over to Toni's to use her phone to check it out. So that's how I learnt it dont like music.
Toni and I talked about work and Jack and things. First time I really sat and visited with her.
Saturday Feb 28, 1987
8:00 AM
Washing clothes. Thought I would do this early since it's raining. Maybe I can beat the crowd. Maybe not too, one lady got in jsut before I did and use four driers. Oh well, wont know if dont try. At least I wont have to think about washing while eating breakfast.
Look at the dates, man! A month since I last wrote. One more day and there wouldnt be a February entry. I wish I could figure out why I dont write like I did. One thing for sure - I dont go out that much anymore. Maybe it's just the Winter Blues.
I spend my time at home watching tv. ODnt do enough work on the computer projects. I'm depressed and dont know it maybe.
Sometihm this month, I read in the Sentinel about a man putting out a literature collection. I sent him some of my stuff and he sent me some of his. So Ive even got a few words on disc now. Dont have any thoughts about where this will end up. Mostly likely nowhere. If my stuff better thatn his stuff he wont use it. He'll probably rip it off too.
The other thing is ... diviorce is in its final stages and she's been a little more frinedlier. She still wants to keep it from some people at work though. She came over to the house to look over the computer last Friday. We went out to Pizza Inn and talked about other's past history. Then went back to play with the computer more. So I dont know what to think about that. The waitresses at Pizza Inn talked to me about staying to eat that time.