Wednesday Mar 4, 1987
7:30
Hardees. What it is, is Im running from doing any computer work at home. That's what it is. Didnt make plans with ... either, so she couldnt got with her anywhere. Shouldnt be eating either. Stayed down all week so, now I start to eat again. There was a tv show about teen suicide, Oprah show. Listen to that instead of working. Yep, I got the machine in and now I dont use it. It's too depressing thinking about all the work I should be doings.
Talked with RM at Cedar Rock. He seem ok. He has to work two or three jobs to make it.
Cant get any response to getting another job. I gues my skills arent required. === AND I DONT KNOW ANYBODY ON THE INSIDE ! ==
Maybe I should just quit ! Not kill myself like the teens, just slowly, very slowly loose it all !
Wednesday Mar 11, 1987
7:15
McDs. On the news tonight they had a spot - reported, that four teens - two couples - killed themselves with auot exhaust. Why do they do such things? What evil is it what drives them to it? High expectations of Madison Avenue Reality? Romeo and Juliet? What is it that is so depressing and that young age? No during this youth's age that different from past youths? Do they think no one cares? God cares. Not only God, but lots of us stand at night and pray.
Wednesday Mar 18, 1987
7:30
Pizza Inn. Well tonight I meet Marlyn at Ingles. We stood and talked for a long time. I think she Marlyn I wanted to think she was acting like she want to go out or something. And then we meet at the counter again and asked, so you're going to a party tomorrow. But I didnt want to get included. Too much risk for rejection.
By the way. I'm running from my writing work again. Suppose to stay home and be hungry and wrtie sad things about the brekenfield kids and write letter about the pcb and twrv thing. But instead I run away to get beer and pizza and run iinto M. Im so schizoid that I feel it was all planned that way and by evil forces too. I dont understand why I couldnt be on the swing all the time and feel like it was all planned by God and good forces. It could have been that way you know. Fear breeds fear that's all there is to it.
Maybe if Im lucky tonight Ican get high and write high too. Be like a kid again.
Saturday Mar 21, 1987
3:45
WWFalls view side. Sitting here among the mats and trees. Wondering what it is I should be writting. There's people behind me, the fifth group in thirty minutes, They're sitting and looking at the Falls, I think they cam from the bridge, there's more of them now -- moaning and groaning from the climb.
Last night Marlyn, Martha, John and I went over to Garcia's to eat a desert. John will be leaving next week - I just realized that it will be him who is no longer here at Spring time - instead of me. But I'll fix that too - I wont be here longer either. I'm going to throw out and burn everything not essential.
Maybe for now, I can jsut sit and enjoy a bit of nature. It's still difficult for me to sit and write while Im her. I'd much rather sit and think and dreaam. Ponder about the suicide kids of Breklenbury NJ. And Robert sitting and writing out in California some fifteen years ago.
Friday Mar 27, 1987
12:00 Mid
"Platoon" --- Elias --- caring people.
Saturday Mar 28, 1987
9:15 PM
McDs. Today I burnt a lot of my past. It felt really good to rid myself of so much excess baggage. Not taht it was useless type of baggage, but that I've reduced things down to memories. It felt really good ! The thought occurs that it was sort of like building and watching my own funeral pyre. A cleansing of the mind and spirit. Jesus has already cleanesed the soul. To stand and watch a shirt or pants reduce to ashes while you ponder it's memories -- it's really goos. To let the bad vibs of navy things go up in flames and smoke -- to be dispersed by the winds. It felt really good.
To ponder bits and pieces of Vietnam, imagined experiences -- real empathiatic experiences -- Cursing and spitting on Nam, War, Killing, Hatred. Cleanse the mind and spirit.
I stood still - very still - stoned and beered - and watched a field mouse move from the permenant woodpile to the rotting wood stack to beh temperary trash pile. To be that close to wildlife and watch. Watch like a disney wildlife show. And I watched the two squirrels play in the woods too.
So now a good part of my life now lays in ashes - smoldering ashes. The rest will soon follow.
Monday Mar 30, 1987
7:35
McDs. Burnt more stuff today. had that *sickinthestomach tenseuptight anxieetyhighstress touchofNamempathy* feeling. Burnt some close clothes - my own and then there's Dads work jacket, Roberts football coat and Daniels old shirt and Joels swim trunks and my own small trunks. But mostly a lot of my very own close clothes, like High School Graduation pants, VaBeach jeans, bedroom robe, caps - lots of caps. I guess the only other major thing was the blue rug out of the baja.
Afte I got started, especially after the clothes. I felt better. But later onw toward the end, about 4:00 I started to feel bad again. The Zen was wearing thin. So I finished off with some cardboard and then hauled the rest - mostly plastic and rubber stuff to the dumpsters. So that's how it ended up. I did go in about fifteen till five and look around. Made another run to the dumpsters thought. Oh yes - tobacco humadoor and pipes went up today too.
I think - I want to think - that it's down hill from now on. Start tossing and burning without - with little of the *sickinthestomach uptighthighstress* emotional stuff feeling.
Tuesday Mar 31, 1987
9:10 AM
Toyota of Easley. Sitting here waiting, waiting for my truck to be checked out. And while I wait,I read (review) my works ('86 jeep tour) and write (rewrite). So now Ijsut thought I should make a note of it in the journal. Tryed to rework the Bergenfield thing. Still dont feel jsut right but I guess I'll have to let it go. I dont know how to make it any better.
? Apr 1, 1987
After Sunset
Warpath. Had a difficult time - emotional - burning some of Dads things and college things. So thought I had better come out here and let nature take some of the load off. It's calm on this leaside looking at the mountains, red sky and water. Thinking some about Nam, Patton, and college.
Saturday Apr 4, 1987
1:10
Washing clothes. Thursday and Friday I read NAM by Mark Bakker. I guess I've been just a little bit closer to the Nam now -- twenty plus year after the fact. Almost felt sick a couple of times. How did any of them survive? I really dont think I could have survived thirty day, not even the first firefight. Does war really do those things to people? With my empathy have I - can I sya - I've been ther a thousand times with each one's story? I have more and more respect for those who had to go. That's what I told Tony on Whitewater and it means more each day, each time.
Why has it taken twenty year to feel the emotion? How and why and where were the emotion when it really counted? I was a nothing back then. I didnt go to 'the Nam' and I didnt protest to stop it. All I did was slip through it all the easy way - school and navy - safe places. Didnt even do a WestPac cruise in the navy. I was a nothing !
Monday Apr 6, 1987
6:20 EST
McDs. Note the time, they switched early this year. The NAM thing has burnt out. What really bothers me is that I've realized today that it has truely been twenty plus years, for me. Some of the thoughts is like "Nam is history for the kids today, in the sixties, world war II held the same position, a Nam." I dont know what the real problem is, it just dont seem like it's been that long ago. I dont know what I'm trying to do either. Be part of a place and time - I did the time - no, just a part of it - anyway that's what I think - I'm trying to be a part of a place and time which is - history.
I thought of calling wsbf and talk with them. Find out what they think - of Nam and El Salvador. Maybe that's part of it too - am I to warn the youngins?
Wednesday Apr 8, 1987
8:00 EST
McDs. Cleaned out the dead trees today.
Dont know what to do about these Nam feelings. Like what is there to do? Call wsbf and see if they will talk? Is that the way to warn this generationskids about the horrors of war. Just what is it I'm suppose to do with these feelings? God ! Please dont let it be sit back and watch it all happen again ! Suffer through another ten year war.
There's only three ways to learn about war ... Be there yourself, talk with those who have, read about other peoples experiences.
Friday Apr 10, 1987
7:55 EST time
Pizza Inn. Well guess what? Feedroom's Charles in in the army. I was driving up to the Feedroom around bye cleaners Medlin ABC side and I saw this black dude headed that way. Drove on around and parked and gotout and started walking and this same black dude says, "Havent seen you in a long time." I says, "Is that you Charles?" He says, "Yes, it's me." We walk on up the parking side ally and into the Feedroom. So that's how I met Charles again.
Didnt really know where to go tonight. Thought about home and then so says I "If theres no one to talk with at the Feedroom I want eatthere, I'll get a drink and stop here to get a pizza." So what happens - There's this black dude who says, "Havent seen you...." And this late afternoon I go out to Warpath and then to Sliding Rock. I sit at sliding rock and drink beer and read more Nam stories. Personal Nam stories. So I am still hung up - strung out - on this Nam thing. And here comes this black dude who says, "I'm in the army now."
Wednesday Apr 15, 1987
6:50 EST time
McDs. Tonight, before I came up here, I actually turned my computer on, typed up a letter and printed it. First time in two weeks I bet. Did the letter to wsbf about the Nam thing. Wanting to call them up and talk you know. Guess I'll mail it tonight and then never hear about it. Just like all the other stuff I do. Still havent done any GP stuff either.
It's really difficult to "feel" waht it would have been like to be seventeen and in Nam. When I was seventeen, I didnt even "feel" what it was like to be in school. Jsut a drifter along with inconspicious actions.
Monday Apr 20, 1987
3:35
WarPath. Maybe it's jsut that people dont come anymore. Sent a letter to wsbf about Nam. No 'signs' of making any diff. Maybe just an itsebitse sign Friday morning, but that could have been my minds wishful thinking. {Thought I heard three or more anti-war lyrics in a row.} So what does it mean? The kids think it'll not happen to them? That's life? I'll be too old when the real fighting starts. Thought I should come out here and think and write but all I've done is listen (tune) the radio. It's still thoughts of other places and other times, pondering space and time.
Saturday Apr 25, 1987
1:40 EST
Campsite. Eddies back. ....
Saturday May 2, 1987
5:10 EST
Pizza Inn. Today Randy and Shelia got married. It was at the "Pretty Place" up on Ceasar's Head. I was late getting there. I missed the ceremony. I should have left when it first occurred to me to leave. But I thought it's not that far so I didnt. Just kept on ironing shirts. {{I think deep down I really wanted to no go. Blame it on .... I just dont want to do anything. Still waiting for the bomb to go off. Stop - Stop - Stop ! I'll not write about that.}} I got there in time to watch the photgrapher "direct" the picture taking. So I sat and watched and talked a little with Mrs H. and Cherrie and Jim. Mostly jsut watched Shelia and Randy and enjoyed the view. It is a "Pretty Place." Maybe I was suppose to be anyway. Mrs H and Cherrie needed a ride to Mrs G place. The photographer still directing the picture taking....
It stormed while at the reception and it rained where ever I went afterwards till I got to mom.
Got to go to Marli's dropin tonight.
Saturday May 30, 1987
1:45 EST AM
Home.
God, what have I've done that's so wrong? / What am I still doing that's so bad? / Why cant there be a mircle in mom's life to make her better? / Why cant there be a mircle in Eddy's life to make him better? / Why cant I have friends and do the things I want to do to help the street kids? / Why cant I be happy, day after day, after day, after day ...?
Tuesday Jun 30, 1987
5:35
BurgerKing, Easly Mall.
It's been a long hard two months and I'm not the same any more.
Thank you God for helping mom feel better. Thank you God for helping me cope with this situation. Please help Eddy to take better care of himself.
Saturday Jul 18, 1987
6:15
Pizza Inn. Went to WhiteWater Falls today. Spent five hours down at the bottoms. Even took my clothes off and got wet. Three times. It was nice to be free again. Alsot the first time in a long time that I walked down the trail and up the side. I think I managed ok even though I'm smoking again. I can tell that I dont breath so easy anymore. I was up at the top Thursday. Trying to wind all the anxiety and tension of the last twelve weeks. Took most of the afternoon to go get started. Almost dosed off a couple of times.
Got my whiteboard hung up on the kitche wall Friday. That's about all I did yesterday. Just loaffered and layed down. I did go to Randy's and Shelia last night to look at their New York video. It was interesting to see the streets of New York. It didnt look as dirty and crowded as they show in the movies. Thought a little about the '64 '65 trip and Rodger and Joyce living up there. Anyway I'm doing what ever it takes to de-tense my mind. To set my mind back on thoughts of my self and my life.
By the way, Eddy left Wednesday. What a waste !
Monday Jul 20, 1987
5:53
Burger King Easley: It's almost showtime, "InnerSpace" S. Spielberg, gotta go !
Saturday Jul 25, 1987
7:00
Pizza Inn. Dining in tonight. Went up to Whitewater Falls. Whatelse would I do on Saturday afternoon. I was really hot today, has been for weeks and weeks. Except for the breeze, it was hot up there too. All I did was hang around the top, didnt adventure any. I did stay late, later than usually. This young man showed up and parked himself on the boulder, under the ledge - my perch. He came in about five fifteen. On my way out I spoke with him - he's from Anderson and has been coming to the Falsl for fifteen years. And I sat out there and though he might be replacement. Ha - I should be his apprentice ! He spending the night up there - a loner I guess.
I think it's a first, saw fishermen fishing. They may have been the second such, the first being a long long time ago. The first is that Isaw wildlife managment people down on the river. They were writing the fishemen up. I guess one could be in the backlands and they would show up at the wrong time.
{{{ Still chasing that make believe perfect youth, I cant get my mind off of what I've missed. It's the loneliness -- the hopelessness of being Friendless. The furtility of any adventurous project. }}}
That was Don who waved and nodded. Sitting there in the booth, in his floral shirt. Twelve years or so since I saw him last. His grad present from hight school. He's been driving trucks for batco all thise years I guess. He's happy -- I can see it in his appeerance, his moves, his eyes, hear it in his laugh.
Saturday Aug 1, 1987
7:40
Pizza Inn. August of '87 ALREADY. Been up on top of Whitewater Falls. Whatelse would I do on Saturday afternoon? It rained while up there, sitting beneath the overhang, watching the rain pour. The first time in a long time that's happened. I was even asked to take a young couples picture too. And twice, I think, people asked about the Falls. It was one of the better trips there.
This week I did a couple of things too. Like got a cover for the poembook finished -- I guess. Traced a picture out of "Summer Soverniors". Tried some of Scott Madsen pictures too. Even made two or three into nude drawing. The other thing was change oil, filter, air filter on the truck, a first. This means I got to mark off two items on the *to do* list.
Pizza Inns advertising for full time help -- cooks. I havent thought of a second job in a long time. Maybe I should [pause] along with 'signing', juggling, tracing, guitar, etc, etc, etal. [pause] Yes, along with all the other unstarted, unfinished, projects.
Hopefully a little of their blessing will drift my way. Another lonely Saturday night, and I aint got nobody.
Wednesday Aug 5, 1987
5:35
BurgerKing Easley. The movie choices are James Boned [living daylight] Superman IV. Usually there's only one good one, now I have to choose. To guess which one will be here next week to see.
Wednesday Aug 12, 1987
6:15
Pizza Inn. Snucked in without being seen, almost, somone did notice and tell the waitress. Randy and Glenn went out to Warpath for Glenn to teach Randy how to Eskimo roll. Didnt - couldnt make up my mind as to what to do. Like I planned to go to the movies again tonight. But then I wanted to go watch them too. So there ws this decision to make and I cant make decisions anymore. So I was laying on the couch,nude of course, getting anxious about what to do. I thought, "If I was young and care free, I'd do jsut what I felt like doing." So I did, I bathed and drove out to WArpapth to watch.
I think it was the right move - except I kept wanting to go to the movie too. But it was interesting to watch them. I even talked a little and help Glenn empty kayak. I also got to see a bit of Gleen's bush and watch himpiss. Along with his physique in ragged, cutoff jeans. So I'm glad I went!
So now I'll eat a small thin crust pepperoni pizza [my usual], write a little, then go tothe late show. So I'll "be young and care fre and do what I feel like doing." Which is what I should have been ding for twentyfive years.
Monday I went to see 007 #17 - another 25 years of James Bond. From "Dr No" to "Living Daylights" form '62 to '87. I really dont remember 007 till later '60s and '71 and '72 iin VaBeach. [Pause]
Mostly just been thinking about all the things Ive ever wanted to do but havent. Which reminds me of the "Everything I've wanted to do" list book. Along with the "Prayer a Day" book too. There's so many things !
Now I've got to decide about whether to hang around here before the movie - go home and wait - and maybe not go, or just what ==== Another decision to make and I cant anymore ! ====
Saturday Aug 15, 1987
2:40
Whitewater Falls. Sitting, listening, listening to old time radio, the best of fifties, sixties, seventies, sitting and listening to old time classical music on these modern thin line radios. Sitting listening to water flow over rocks - grooving out (it's alright now, got to please yourself) on sitting and listening. [The revolution sounds of the sixties]
When it's time to die - I want it to be here - listening and feeling the romantic times of young lives. A wake for me here, by friends I've never had. Yes when it's time to die, I want it to be here - and scatter my ashes in the still runnig water over rocks.
Saturday Aug 29, 1987
7:07
Pizza Inn. Today I helped move Randy and Shellia. They bought a house halfway to Greenville - out in the country past Easley. So Randy's apartment in the basement of Pickens Development Commission Building is a thing of the past. No more quasi commardiere there. It was hot today, to hot do do anything, but we moved him anyway. Shellia's brother Roger helped too. We made two runs of three trucks and still there was things to move.
Earlier this week, Marty the college bookselling kid stopped by for a while. He's working sumpter tis year. He also finished college this past Spring too. Five years in college. Doesnt matter how long it takes just as long as they get the degree. It was so nice to have another person in the house. I couldnt sleep - get to sleep easily. Whenever there is the least little thing different in the surrounds -- It upsets the routine - like letting the fan run and still go to bed to sleep - it just doesnt work.
Anyway - what else happened this week? Last week too for that matter - Oh yes - I'm getting the family names typed up on disc. One of Dad's cousins called, ..., he's working on his family. So now I'm too. I guess that's what I did last Saturday instead of going to WWF.
We'll be moving to NCR next two weeks, Earl got me a $2,000 raise -- I guess he likes my work. He knows the company hs to pay if it wants to keep its help. [Pause] I just realized that this volume is one year old next week.
Saturday Sep 5, 1987
2:10
Whitewater Falls. I bring this book up here most every time I come. But I never write very much. What happens is that I jsut like to sit up here and ponder. Think about all the great things I've wanted to do. - like writing at the top of Whitewater Falls. But I just end up thinking about all the things I havent done. So here I sit thinking about the things I've seen from here beneath the overhang.
Like that kid who "whizzed" {{at the river's edge next to bolder and bushes}} or the kid that stayed behind to show off his thing to me {{he pissed over the edge corner}}, or the kids passing out religious tracts or the kid who took my picture - never did find out who or what. I jsut cant seem to write about what I really want to write -- Gratitious Papyrus, ThoughtSmithing, or the bad times this Summer.
....
And another thing Debbie and I jsut couldnt make it happen. it was as if the closer I got to having a woman, the worst my life becomes. So now the only woman who ever showed an interest has passed on out of my life. She's got another job in Greenville. And you really want to know whats weird, a headhunter called me this week talking about a jposition in Greenville -- probably the same as Debbie's new place and how had would she get if I followed her there? Liek jsut to be near her but never ask her out anymore. It's crazy !
And I'm still smoking - did I write ... - that I started smoking again - like I had it made in the shade - seventeen months without (very very little) smoking. So now I have to start all over again with quiting.
.... It's been really crazy this Summer - a bad crazy - I think deep down I dont care anymore - I've given up caring. That's what I tell everybody that asks how I'm doing, I say, "Terrible but I dont care anymore."
Friday Sep 11, 1987
6:25
For the - yesterday and today Earl and I moved stuff from the Bivens building to the NCR building. We did three truck load today. With all the lifting and pushing and stowing and hauling - I am feeling good.
Also today 'they' named the ones who were out. This is really stupid ! Increase expense with bigger leased space, = no that's not right. This round started with the CEO coming down and chewing the engineers and everybody else out because the division only earned eleven million instead fifteen million. Most likely because of JJs follies. Corporate is usually six months behind and I guess no one told the CEO that that problem has been terminated. Anyway, it's the same go around, low earnings - bad sales - people cut back - double work load - half dead time - quadruple design errors - loose sale - low earnings and here we go aroung again. This time it's Steve and Roge and Wallace adn Barbara and who knows else. And they always cut the wrong people too.
How I wish I had another job so I could tell them to "take this job and shove it - I dont work here anymore." Why is the view from the bottom so much more real than what the powers at the top see?
So what else is happening inthe world? Are the fires out west really bad thins year?It's so smokie all day ad night that visibility is downto hundred feet or so. It's because of the jet stream pushing all the rains up the aleutians int alaska.
[There's this trio, a couple and a friend, they are laughing and giggling and so happy. Isnt youth grand.]
Sunday Sep 13, 1987
3:25
Whiteside Mtn. I've wander around jsut a wee bit - here at the top. Mostly thinking about different times and different places and different moods. Feeling a bit down - this high up - becasue of all the things I've missed before. I jsut watched this buzzard down below and far away, circling and gliding - it's still a strange feelingto look down to see birds.
On the drive up here - I remembered that it was a year ago that I first came here - on the '86 jeep tour. I guess it is fitting that i be here now. i do wish that I could just loaffer for a year or ttwo. i would have been if I didnt have to pay for the truck. Live off my saving till they ran dry. [Pause] The thunderheads are nice today. [Long Pause] This has been really great! You know the guard fence - I've walked it - here on the top of Whiteside I did a kiddish balancing act by walking the fence. It really felt good to be about half high and doign something kiddish - and yhou know what else I did - remember the Hitchhiker kid at Myrtle Beach last year - the one who pissed right there behind the Pavilon - I did the same - Right here at the fence I walked I pissed -- No onw showed up - but I did it anyway.
It's been a really great Sunday afternoon !
Tuesday Oct 5, 1987
7:55
Carolina Creme, Easley bypass 123. I saw Billy Graham's "Caught" last night. IT's about this kid, Timothy Devon, looking for his dad in Amsterdam. Living on the streets, no money, pedalling drugs and sex to survive, working for a pimp. Themovie just let out, another church group bus parked outsdie. so what's the deal about the movie -- it sturred up the feelings for adventerous youth in Europe. OF wondering what's it reallylike on the streets, far from home, alone, helpless?
"Dont stand here, I cant compete with those boots."
I still dont think "they've" got it right yet. Always leaving out the nitty - gritty living. The other deal about the movie, is the Indian dude who helped Timothey - Doing what I realy want to do, help the street kids. === Beating the Bad Guys === "I'm a long way from hell but I know who you are, agents of satan." Then the Indian beats up the Bad Guys. So it was a European adventure, youth living the hard life.
And it's a Full Moon night tonight. I thought about going up to the top of Whiteside to watch it. But is was cloudy this afternoon, making it look fruitless. So I didnt. It cleared up about moonrise time, bad luck Jerry. Left mom's early to ride around. Went up to Glassy to watch the moon and the city lights. === Trying to revive the afterglow of the movie. I would really love to live my own life, without any ties to home or family. To wander the world in search of adventerous youth. But instead, I sit in a donut shop, watching traffic go by -- just like life.
Wednesday Oct 7, 1987
7:20
I've got to get out of this place! I've got to get out of this place!
I want to roam - travel the world, go places, do things. I cant live here anymore.
Dont stand here, I cant compete with those boots!
It's that feeling of missing so much of life. / It's that feeling o fnot being young anymore. / Far from home, lonely and helpless. / I know it's only a mall in Grn'vle, / But for now - it is Amsterdam, Denmark, etal. / Space and time, it's both the same, / I can sit here, and be there ! / As sure as there's a Full Moon out tonight, / I can sit here and be there !
It's 'Kids' in acid wash Levi Jeans, now in the eighties, What was it back in sixtynien? Kids in acid washed minds? I've been to Brindisi, Bari, Paleo, Nice, Naples. I've been to Europe! I've been to Whitewater and Whiteside! From fortynine till now, I've been! But still I've got to get out of this place. It's 'Kids' in holey jeans, I did that in seventythree, before these kids were in school. Travel through space and time - time travelers - ahead of my time. That's me! "Before we were born, I loved thee!"
Friday Oct 9, 1987
7:40
Carolina Creme, Easley. There's an Orange Moon Rising tonight, and it's Clemson Orange HomeComing. There's a new Days Inn in town too. But no matter how you look at it. It's not the streets of Amsterdam. is it? It's not nibbling bites of food. Just to make it last longer. Till the next scrap you find. It's not like looking at the cold outside from warm inside. Knowing you'll have to spend the night outside in the cold not inside in the warm. Is it better to roam the streets by Full Moonligh, or by Moonless dark? Why the neon city way == mountain top ways are just as ? with just as many kids, the country side - wide open places - they're spread out thinner - that's all! Timothy Devon ! I pray for you [seems like I should know more of their names] I pray for all of you!
Saturday Oct 10, 1987
6:15
Pizza Inn Pickens. Who will pray for me? I'm feeling bad. But it fel so good this afternoon. I took my Nam books, SB and CC drinks up to the top of Whiteside. Went tripping back to Nam - as if I've ever been - at least it felt like I've had a life; even though it's only make believe. And I had plans too - going to go to Mazzio's in Clemson and then on to the Fleetwood Max concert. But I didnt make it. Went to Whitewater Falls, just to try to do one more thing this afternoon - trying to do it all. So by the time I got home and cleaned up and the clothes in and things put away - it was seven an hour to drive to Clemson, eat pizza and get ot the colisium. So what's the use in trying? I got to thinking about sitting with mom and that's with I started down. So what's the use in trying?!
At Whiteside today - a plane flew low - lo, low - over the top, jsut like I thought of the last time I was up there and they were two girls on the outside of the fence, reading, like me, remember telling Glenn H about wanting to meet some women who were like me. And I was seen pissing - like that kid at the beach was seen pissing.
Wednesday Oct 14, 1987
7:15
Heywood Mall: I thought it would be better this time, since I got here early,but I screwed up by looking through the book stores. So now it's late and I've not sit, sit to be sitting and to be seen. There's craft stand here too - so the moods not right either. It's the wrong crowd tonight. So should all this suprise you? Did you real expect things to be "Just Right"? Call yourself "A Fool!" - endanger your own soul to hell fire! Dont never ever think your plans will be "Just Right."
Dont you know, you be down, cause you be hungry? You caused it your self by causing your self not to eat tonight - This is the way you wanted it - so this is the way you got it. Be Hungry, be down, be Timothy Devon. Confusing "being down" with "Being Down" So what to do? Run! do not walk! Run, to the nearest pusher for "something to pick me up" Eat a pill, when all you needed was to eat.
Being hungry - being down - being alone - being helpless - being far from home - as if there's ever was a home. I think the mood turned over when I saw the employees dancing while they worked. Happy dancing. Black Brothers teach White Brother a bit of the Black Ways. So no sooner than I start writing about them than they sit here beside me. The mood turns again.
Saturday Oct 17, 1987
2:30
Whitewater Falls, Parking area: Just a note, to let me know, where I sat on this Saturday. There's a major campout up at the top on the sliding rock area. Late teens, early twenties sets. All single. But there's also looks of young couples with kids, babies, out this afternoon. Something to remind me of the things I've missed.
One of the young lady campers, stayed at the top of the falsl, after the others left to return fomr "this is no fun, lets go listen to the Carolina game." She sat listen to her headset, while I sat and paged through "ThoughtSmithing" and "Pin Ball Palor" She eventually left, and all I did was sit and wonder if I should approach her. She being twentythree and I being thirtyeight. Old enough to be her teenage father.
Just a wee bit of "showpan", distant mountains, other people, radio ballgames and the people.
Sunday Oct 18, 1987
1:45
Clemson Bench. It's been a long time since I've been here -- looks to be more than a year before, the "86 jeep tour". It's the bells what's brought me here today - to sit and to be alone in a cowed == but, alas, I'm not allowed that bit of pleasure any more - this old lady has butted into my space, if it was a woman my age it would be diffeent, but NO! it had to be an old lady. "God! What sin have I committed to be tortured like this?" Sit here just long enought to steal my mood, then move along -- better you not had sat at all. Damn thieves, rip me off a bit at a time, and I've such little time left. Now it's an old man who sits on my bench - stealing more and more of my precious time. There's to be nothing in my life to go my way. Even Matthew Brodwicks sufffering my bad luck for taking an interest inn his Boris Beaurelli character. Laid up in an Irish hospital after his car wreak and he's goiing to prison too you know.
There's this history of time and space -- a bit of magic mystic twine. And on this day I sit and witness this moment of time and space. But with a twich of the mind, connections made to other moments of the continium. Perhaps I'm the only being here, being both here and there, knowing what's really goin down today.
There's bunches of young men out on the field playing their play football. Not obviously, but subtlily subconscious of what's happening aroung about them.
Wishing there had been realism to the places I've only been in mind. To be able to sit here and remember Nam or LA or Europe from psst travels. But all I've got are imagined dreams of far away places and times.
Monday Oct 19, 1987
6:25
Carolina Creme. So it's just another Monday night. Not quite, there's no movie to see, that's right. A bit of supper with mom - whatelse - a ride to Easley - no where else - just to be - to sit and be alone [Pause]
But it's more than that now, you know. / The objective is to not be with some people, / Since you cant be with your friends. / As if you think you have friends to be with.
So what's the deal tonight? Another night of thinking of the things I'll never get to do. Another night of thnking of the things I've lost motivation to do. Of blaming my woes on my past life.
In case you've not noticed, / There's another old lady, / intruding into your space, / To steal another night of your precious time. / When will there be a young lady my age to move into my space?
All I've ever done with my time, is sit and watch car lights travel beneath city lights. Imagining the Zen of other people traveling to be with the Zen of thier friends. Some not traveling but gathering beneath still city lights. It's always the same - whereever I go -
The hopelessness and helplessness of loneliness -- the final, fatal faces of loneliness. To have lived a life with friends ending with lonelines, is a hundred, no a thousand fold better than to have lived a lonely life! Memories, fond memories build fortress walls to weather life's storms. With no memories -- all is washed away.
==== AND DONT ANYONE DARE LIE!! THERE IS NO SOLITUDE IN LONELINESS !!
Saturday Oct 24, 1987
1:54
Greenville Mall. B.K. I guess what I'm trying to work out this afternoon,is an street kids afternoon, a french fry and coke (DrPepper) all I've had to eat today type afternoon. I know it's as fake as the rest of my life, but like I keep telling myself and everyone else -- I dont care anymore! I came here to sit alone, Heywood was too crowded, now people seem to crowd me here. I cant win and I dont care anymore. The only time I feel half right is when I daydream of far away places.
I wonder, is it possible to advertise some how, and get a tour guide for Greenville's kid street scene?
Last nite. I went down to Randy and Shelia's plsce, thier house in Easley. We went to Quincy's and had a good big steak dinner, and good conversation, and good fellowship. It was really great to be with someone. Friends. After eating we went to the Mall Cinema to see "Dragnet", but the company what owns the theater made them change the playing time. Eight instead of nine. Only one show in the evenings, He talked about the theater bussiness and we listened. We decided to rent a movie so we did and we watched "Lost in Americna" at R and S's place. It was after twelve before I got home.
It was a great evening compared to recent ones.
Oh yes - I remember what it was I wondered about earlier - like the kids cant cruise, and mallies, are they passes? So like where's the Gathering Places? What is the new generation of kids calling themselves, mostly it's the short - long hair style, the short after the wars for a long time, then long again for a medium time, then short for a short time, so now's it short on top and about their ears, but long down the neck. Are they trying to live dual moods. But ever since long came back, if you do drugs, you do long hair too. At least that's what the perception is - both to themselves and to me.
So check him out, is he a kid hooker or what. Is he checking me out, or what. Waiting on his girl -- whatelse. You're seeing what you want to see! Just like before, and in future.
Monday Oct 26, 1987
7:30
Carolina Creme. Another Monday evening. Another lonely night. Another dream entry into my journal of misery. Another intrusion into another young attractive couple's space.
This is the first entry with the rest of the world back on my time. This old time, statndard time, real time, time.
Thought some more about getting a second job, to get out more, to get out of doing what I dont want to do, to get out to do what I want to do. But then I started looking at 40 hours at $3.35 less 25% and came up with $100 a week. I guess it's truely a teen's market out there who else can live off of so little.
The boy kid left - did they want to be alone? Guess you know, you've been here three or four times and it's a diff girl everytime.
Oh yes, I came here to write. The first, "Prayer a Day Prayer".
Wednesday Oct 28, 1987
7:33
CC. It's over the hump and sliding down to fourthirty Friday. I've made no progress on any real projects. Really wanted a cig really bad this mornig at work. Bought one from John and fondled it and sniffed it and played with it for a long time -- till after lunch. Then I smoked it. Then later I got a camel from Earl, put a fliter on it and then I smoked that one too. And tonight, later tonight, I'll smoke marlboro's too. So that's what happened at work today.
Except,
Event - thought - event happeings are back. I've sensed them the past few weeks. Like the Whitewater Falls book reading and women doing the same, and talkinga bout somone you've not seen for a long time and the next day you see them, and thinking of SacoLowell - call me, call me, call me and then someone from there calls me.
So they're back.
And then there's talkig with Jamie about the men from PHS killed in Nam like I've been trying to remember this one dude's names, I thougth of it the, Rut, and then later someone, Lucille, calls mom talking about death and she mentions Rut.
So they're back.
And then she hits me with three bits of bad news on the way out the door.
So they're back.
AND I'M GOING TO FIGHT BACK !
Something new for the "Everything I've Wanted To Do" book, type up Robert's letter stories.
So it's street lights, and care ligths, and wonder what Timothy Devon's doing tonight. A thousand citys around the world, a hundred thousand Timothy Devons. so what are they doing to survive another day?
I wan to ask them to read some, but I cant do it. What will they think?
Saturday Oct 31, 1987
11:55
Whitewater Falls. I did too ask them to read and they did and we talked and they liked it. Nancy did, Lora had to go back to work.
Anyway, I'm on my way to Whiteside to sit and write the New Doctrine for the second generation revolutionaries. Mostly because of what Robert wrote in his letter to DM. He talked about his days out in LA with all the protest and things. Also wabout civil rights thing during Clemson and in North Georgia. So now I'm all up about desinging the next Revolution. Mostly jsut to dream a little and try to feel good about the future and not feel bad about missing the past.
1:45
Cashiers, Carolina Smokehouse. This is a country afternoon lounge type place with food and drink and a country music player, thought I'd try to jsut eat a little bit to keep fromfeeling so bad later. It's going to be a late afternoon on top of Whiteside.
3:15
Top Whiteside. Well. I'm here. So where's the Revolutionary Ideas? Just like I knew. Got up here and sit and start thinking of the things I've missed and what's the use in trying. No one ever pays attention to my plans anyway.
11:55
So I've thought about Robert and his time, jsut to file away with the "NAM" times thought on Whiteside.
SO GO AHEAD AND DO IT! JUMP OFF! END THIS MISERY!
? Nov 2, 1987
6:35
BurgerKing Easley. Fries and RC for lunch. Fries and DrP for supper. Still I dont feel hungry, still I dont lose weight. Another week of light breakfast, little lunch, and as small as supper as possible.
IF I COULD LIVE MY LIFE AS IF I WAS FAR FAR AWAY.