? Nov 4, 1987
7:20
Carolina Creme.
Seminar at Hyatt Regency, all day. / Walk downtown Main Street / Street band sounds off the walls. / Longway back home down the Interstate. / Change into woodise jeans on top of Glassy / Watch the Moon, see where I was. / Drive back to Carolina Creme. / And write a few words, / Just to record the events.
I want to write GP stuff and writing stuff. And I want to think about Tim Devons. If I didnt have to be alone, I could write and do great things. If there was someone with whom to share the experience. Always finding and making excuses for not doing what you want to do! Maybe it's best if you just dont plan to do anything -- anymore.
YOU'RE NOTHNIG BUT A WALKING DEADMAN, JERRY! YOU READ THIS GOOD, JERRY!
Friday Nov 6, 1987
7:05
Pizza Inn Pickens. His name is Brian and we met on top of Glassy Mtn tonight. I was already there watching the Full Moon Rise. He drove up in his big pickup then stopped and got out and we talked. Few people ever stop and talk with me. He's feeling down and out cause he's just diviorced and lost his wife, kids, and house. Nine years of life behind him. So why shouldnt he be feeling down and out.
He's from Easley and he's never seen a moon rise from Glassy. And he stopped and talked to me. He told me about the above and I listened. he told about God being with him to helphim through these hardtimes. he talk about 'the younger' days with his friends partying and otherwise being happy together. He mentioned "taking his own life" but was that like me thinking about my own life -- not really serious, but jsut a passing thought.
Like all the times before, I "eased on out" of the situation. Should have I lingered on for a while? Should have I sat and smoked with him -- for a while? Should have I invited him along with me - for a while? Should have I -- just what? I can never know what "the moves" should be.
So I did my "habit thing" and "eased on out" of the situation.
I sat at a cluttered booth, knowing I'll give it up to someone else. I stacked the dishes and cleaned the table and I sat and waited. And I waited. The waitress camd and cleaned the other tables and waited on her friends. "I'll be with you in a minute." So I waited. Then "they" came in, this young teenage couple - a boy and his girl. They looked around and pointed around. So I knew it was time to move. "Do you want this booth -- I'm only waiting for a takeout?" "What?" -- repeat - "Thanks" "Sure thing."
Saturday Nov 7, 1987
3:00
Top of Whiteside. This afternoon I saw six hang gliders, one waved to me and called to me, "How are your?" "Alright, how is it up there?" So close you can hear the fabric flap in the breeze. Saw them take off from the West end of Wildcat Cliffs. Watched them from the West end and then I walked around to the campsites -- the remote ones -- and on to the West face. I sat and watched them from there too. So they hung in the air an dI watched and wished I was hanging too. Hang Gliders.
Then I walked back to the Westend. There she lays, this young lady, laying in the sun. We acknowledge each other's presence and Imove on to see if there's more gliders around. I sit and watch a little -- mostly wondering if she'll be there when I walk back past.
She was and we talked and I really felt like I was alive for a change, to be talking with a lady I've never meet before. She's an English teacher from Brevard. She teaches in Rosman. We talked about hang gliding and she's waiting on Rock Climbing Friends. Then later on we meet again at the top. She had never been here before so I told her she has to go to the top. She did and I told her I found her climbing friends on out the trail. She goes checks them out.
Now she sits down a ways, reading, while I sit here at the top writing.
Doesnt it really feel good to be friendly, I wish it could last forever and I'd never be alone again.
Saturday Nov 14, 1987
3:00
Whiteside Mtn Top. Today there's forest fires here and there and there. I've watched planes fly by the mountain top on there way to the fire south of Highlands. I've watched them dump the chemicals with low pass dives along the fire line. I've watched them fly back by the mtn top for more chemicals. there should be more Zen attached with these sights. More attachmetn with the "moment of time". But it eludes me this afternoon.
....
Wednesday Nov 18, 1987
5:30 morning time
Bobby Cafe, early morning hours, foggy outside, in the night air. Foggy inside, in my cloudy confused mind. I've even been to Easley this morning -- didnt get to go last night. So what am I doing here and now -- so early to have been out and about already?
I've been awake since three - woke up having to go piss. So once awake, my mind starts on all the bad things that have been happening. ....
But you want to know what the real kicker was at three oclock -- car insurance! Allstate's doing to me what USFG did - raise the premiums every billing period. My mind got on that and raced away -- I cried, I screamed and I otherwise blew the cool. They [insurance companys] find the least little reason to raise premiums. And they can get away with it too. I fyou own a vehicle and are going to drive, it has to be liscensed, so it has to be insured, so you have to pay whatever they want you to pay, so you pay for everybody elses bad driving and their sueing each other and repair people's high rates and lawyers and doctors and so you pay for everybody elses' mistakes.
So all that's above is why I've been awake since three oclock and why I've drove aimlessly to Easley and why I've sat here in Bobby's place eating food and drinking coffee and writing --- aimlessly.
Wednesday Nov 18, 1987
9:15
McDs. It's been a long, long day and still I've not done what I've wanted to do. I wanted to go to the mountains today. But getting up so earlymessed that up. Looks and feels like the THIEF has stolen my happiness for another day.
FATAL BEAUTY Designer Packaged Snow, Death and Destruction, Violence and Vengance.
Friday Nov 20, 1987
8:07
Carolina Creme. It's a cold, dark, windy night. It's a week before Thanksgiving. Me thinks me feels Winter is here. "they" say it's to be one of the eleven year cycle coldest cold Winters. Like seventysix and seventyseven. But my stomach full with Harolds cooked steaks and a french glazed donut for desert. But I know Tim Devon's out there somewhere in the wind and cold === No, he's found shelter, there's no wind and hopefully a fire for warmth.
So what's been happening this week? What disasters more have happened? Will I loose my mind withthe next one? I've actually felt good for brif fleeting mometns and dont you know that means something bad is going down. I'm in such bad shape - when I feel good, I feel bas so full of dread about the bad thats to happen. I'll never have any peace, I'll never be happy -- the happiness thief has stolen my happiness.
I'm so scared taht this might be hell, or that tribulation has begun which means rapture has rapped and I'm left behind. I'm so scared I didnt do it right and got left behind to suffer. Or is it witches, warlocks, sorocers who toy with my mind?
But then, there so many other around who are happy and full of life. The kids are still here - the Christains are still here - the good people are here too. There is happiness all around - I long so to be a part of it.
But then, there's ThoughtSmithing to put out, Revolution to plan, and other things waiting work.
Saturday Nov 21, 1987
3:15
Carolina Creme. I guess you notice I'm not on Whiteside -- not even on Whitewater. I guess it's Winter and cold and so I stayed home to do oil change things then drive to Easley this afternoon. AllinAll it's still the same, trying to escape - run away from home.
Runaway form home - like these kids run to the woods in their camaflaged pant and shirts. Like those three young men who just climbed up - way up - into theif big wheeled toyota truck.
But anyway - it's Saturday afternoon and instead of being on top out in the woods, I'm here, in the midst of samll city life with traffic and shoppers and other civilization type things. Mostly thinking about the things Ishould be doing like ThoughtSmithing, programming, GPs and NDFOR. But all I want to do is sit and think and ponder about all the great things Im going to do.
Monday Nov 23, 1987
9:10
McDs. They're Timothy Devon's and then they're Julians.
Is the first a santizied version of the real life second? Are is it European version LA fast life? LIFE FADES AWAY, a song by Ordison. How easy it is (was) for Julians life to fade away. Does it mean none ever returns fro that last visit to make things right? Is the addition really that powerful? But what of those (RIP) who enslave their victims - who make use of that powerful addition?
Timothy escaped -- it was Julian who was Caught, a Life Less Than Zero.
Friday Nov 27, 1987
1:40
Carolina Creme. Tuesday night - Marty on el talking machine (ETM), says to call him back at a toll free number. Says he's coming down for the holidays. So I'm happy Wednesday! a crazy acting day Wednesday. So Wednesday night Marty's on ETM again. Says the plans he thought were off are on again. Says he'll see me another time. So I'm sad again.
El Talking Machine again .....
So Thursday morning I get back from the Feedroom. Thanksgiving morning. I didnt want to use ETM but I did. Debbie's on the ETM. I call her back and we (she) wants to get together again. So I'm happy again - full of anticipation, watnig to do it this weekend - not next weekend. So it seems like I'm getting on with my life. Doing what I want to do -- when I want to do it. Like thinking (dreaming) of moving in with her and here supporting a struggling author and artist and muscian and etal. Like thinking (dreaming) at feling like a nineteen year old fro the first time. Like I really want to be happy this time!
I'm scared! I dont want to let anybody or anything steal my happiness anymore!
Saturday Nov 28, 1987
12:50
Burger King Easley. What am I doing in this place? The loneliness is setting in - after a good talk last night at the Round Table. Debbie wanted to work this weekend so I'll have to wait - wait another long week. And I wanted to be with her this weekend. A lonely person's desperate attempt to get some affection - mutual affection of course.
Maybe that's all it's ever been - infactuationwith a love affair - romantized love affair - like I've seen in the movies. But at this late age - I'm desperate. If Debbie's willing - I dont care if I done realy care for her.
Carolina Creme - for desert and coffee. It's a cool, breezie, chilly, drizzlie type Saturday afternoon. With mymind blowing in the breeze. Thougths of Timothy Devon and Julian. Thoughts of the throwaway kdis in Iowa, and all of his three million friends. Thoghts of Beijing, Amsterdam, LA, NYC, Tokyo, Melbourne, Everywhere. [Thoughts of coleges too]
Thoughts of anything and anybody and anywhere just as longa as it's not thoughts of me. Me with my mind on thoughts elsewhere and elsewhen.
Saturday Nov 28, 1987
7;15
McDs. The day continues. You know whatelse is a happening this holiday weekend - tonight even? The Pickens High Class of 1967 reunion. twenty years ago and still alone like it was Graduation night too -- there was Susan of course but she's family.
So there's another screw job work on my head this holiday. [[[Long Pause]]] Been thinking - like have I been picking up on their vibs and wavelengths? Been thinking like they're down there (country club) reminising, playing old rock music - telling what they've been doing.
But you want to know what? Been thinking - llike they had better not look back, something might be gaining on them! Been thinking - like they ought to play today's music and be with the Breakdancing RAP generation. You know what I mean?
DONT LOOK BACK -- THERE'S SOMETHING GAINING ON US!
So anyway - I went home after the Carolina Creame scene and laid down ALL depressed like and dozed for an hour. Something about laying down on that long couch, where I sleep, that's comforting. It's where I've lived my life away. So anyway, I get up and clean my Life Room; clean out the old dust and bad old vibs. And so I feel sick like and have a bad shit thing. So I've begun to wonder if my depression is making me physicaly sick now? Like is that a sign of slipping away more. Kinda like the highs (good highs), lows (bad lows) becoming more intense and frequent. Like that kinda of sign you know?
Monday Nov 30, 1987
6:45
Pizza Inn Pickens. So I felt sick again this afternoon, after lunch, that lonesome holiday blues type sick. Waht's going down? Spent Sudnay early noon at mom's house, then went down to Lea's house. Susan was there so go to see her for a bit. JC and Modena, Elbert and Chrit have visited so maybe there's enough to take care of Lea and Mom.
I guess it's all inside me now, worry, dread and gloom, deep dark depression. It's making me sick now.
Know what else has happened - jr mart called yesterday afternoon - part time work is available == So I've worried about that today too -- like if I have to work weekends, wont see Debbie - like if I have to work evenings cant take care of Lea and Mom. And Chrit talked about stopping at jr mart too. I'm going crazy with all these coincidences.
God help me! God guide me! Is it right to ask == if there was absolutely no other factors and there's only myself, what would you do? I'd take the job.
Wednesday Dec 2, 1987
7:20
BurgerKing Easley. Just a note to let me know - Here I sat and ate tonight. Maybe cultivate a good feeling and mood then move to Carolina Creme and write.
Wednesday Dec 2, 1987
7:40
So I'm here now. So my mind's back out on the streets. Wondering who's and what's out there. The lonesome, holiday blues have faded away. But they'll be back this weekend. And what to do about this second job, like can I work from six to tweleve?
I want a plane to fly me away from here! / I want Debbie to be my "patron" for my arts. / I want to be Debbie's personal gigilo. / I want the writing magic to come back.
Christmas lights on barren trees / Like big city lights long ago / Drifting moods of Holiday Blues / Cold and lonely Holiday Street Blues.
? Dec 5, 1987
1:30
Tony's Resturant. Debbie wasnt home when I called at 6:30 last night. I didnt call while watching Mamai Vice, I didnt want the disappointment and I didnt want to get involved either. I wanted here to be homw so I could go over early and eat pizza drink beer and watch mimai vice and fool around all night. So I didnt feel good last night and this morning and I dont want to work evenings either and I want to do evening work too. I'm so confused. Debbie left a message this morning - she's working again and wont talk to me till Monday.
Marty called too - I talked with him - says he might come down. He might - Debbie might - I might - I dont know what to do anymore.
A young couple with a baby and their grandmother came in and sat in the booth in front o fme. The baby sat and looked at me and made a baby sound of a word. I replied "Hey - How are you today?" the young mother grinned - I guess the young father did too. So anyway - there's this young family just getting started and what I sense - what I want to sense - is a future full of Happiness and Joy and Hope and Sucess for this young Family jsut getting started. With all my woes and worries about my life - I want theirs to be all that I wish mine had been!
Saturday Dec 5, 1987
3:35
Whitewater Falls. It has been a long time since I've sat here. Maybe the last time this year too. It's cold, breezing, and little icey but it's clear too. It's what one would expect on a December day, out in the woods, by a cold water waterfalls. Anyway this is just a note to note that I sat here at this place and time.
Later Man.
Saturday Dec 5, 1987
7:20
Pizza Inn. Marty is here, somewhere. Saw his car's tire tracks. And I thought he would be in late - If he came - Like he usually dows. So I wasnt there - he came early and now he'll come in late like usually and we wont get to talk. And so what! If, if I'd stayed home - he'll never had come, so there!
So, why aint I out having fun - with Debbie, Marty, Randy and Shellia, Tony, Glenn, or anyone else? Why am I still alone? Why do I miss opportunities? Why am I not in the right places at the right times? Why is my mind stuck in this bad groove? ## Feedback that's why! Feedback of negative thoughts. That's why there are miserable fanitics full of misfortune. Negativism feeds upon negativism - growing more dominate. ## So how do I breadk this Feedback = think positive thoughts - positive thoughts are negative feedback to negative thoughts. Positivism feeds upon postiivism - growing stronger with each postive thought. ##
Monday Dec 7, 1987
7:30
Carolina Creme. Atomic Bomb Day. DisArmametn Summit Tomorrow. [Always tomorrow!] So much going on out there in the world! And I'm not a part of it. Of course, just to NOT be a part of bad things would be nice too.
The Dear Santa Letter:
## "She hasnt never been "GRUBBING" before." Something with "stuff" in it.
Wednesday Dec 9, 1987
7:05
Pizza Inn Pickens: So where's all the great things I was planning to write here to night? Read Roberts latest letterbook - so now the remembering wishing mood is back. And Randy and Shellia dont answer their phone. And I've lost my evenings out good time feeling again. Also Debbie doesnt seem so interested about getting together so I guess I still dont have no girl friend.
Maybe I've REALLY reached the point of no return - If you're still a loner when forty, ?? what second phrase expression remainder of life alone and rythems with forty?
So - Sheriff was here tonight, he walked by without a word and I didnt encourage him either. And Henry was here too - he did stop to ask about my "writing book". I told him "teenage girls have their diaries, middle age men have journdals."
So what does it mean? Last night I call over to Jackies to see if they'll be home later - Jason answered and says he's in a play. So I go to the play at the Barn at Table Rock and I see a lot of familar faces like Linda, John, and Kevin; Judy (at Singer and Booster Club) and her husband; Jim and Diane and Stanley and I think Steve the dishwasher at Feedroom and Mrs M. Anyway it's a family type school Christmas play and I kinda stumbled onto it.
And then I kinda run into Aurie and Grahman at the post office, casue I "felt" like stopping there and then I see them again at Liberty cause I "felt" like stopping at Joy's.
And then I see sheriff here and Henry stops to ask a question. So what does it all mean? That "felt" like doing something and "things" happen. What would have happened if I did my "regular" routine.
So what does these "thought-event" happenings mean?
Thursday Dec 10, 1987
8:15
Carolina Creme: THE DEAR SANTA LETTER:
I'm almost thirty-nine now. Can you believe that - one more thirty something left. Anyway, it's been a long long time since I've written to you to let you know what I want for Christmas. You remember how it use to be - get me a bicyle, getme a dump truck, get me this, get me that. Well, I hope I've matured in these past thirty years and I hope I can give you a break from the "get me" lists. I wont ask for anything for myself, I only want to share with you my dreams, I no longer dream of toys or games but dream of grandeur things.
Santa, I dream of these kids who live off the streets. I'm sure you know who they are, especially the ones who really want to be helped. They're others who need help really bad, but they are difficult to reach - they dont want help. On my dream list is for you to bring them someone who can care form them and a calmer spirit and open heart and mind to those who need the help they refuse.
Santa, I dream of these lonely, homeless people too. you know where they are during this holiday season. Every holiday season it's always the same, people scurring around, buying for family and friends. Caught up within these modern times of christmas. And every holiday season it's always the same, organizations calling upon people to share wtihthe less fortunate - the poor and the homeless. Santa hos I dream of people taking care of the less fortunate for all seasons. Santa how I dream of family and friends being happy by just being together. On my dream list is for you to put into the hearts of those who can - the desire to, not jsut share, butto give up this one Christmas to those who have little.
Friday Dec 11, 1987
7:30
Pizza Inn. I'm trying to add tot he Santa Letter - but the words and thoughts - no it's thoughts and words - just wont happen.
And I noticed that the loose leaf pages are still here - the one with the "Prayer a Day" thing started.
Saturday Dec 12, 1987
1:40
Whiteside. Today - this day - since it's Dec and very cool and only three other vehicles and no one would probably be around --
I stripped nude and ran around nude around the Westside camping site. So that's what I did this day at this place. Like a teenage kid with his imaginary friends - stripped down to nothing and ran around Free for a while.
Still - there was a Zen of wondering if I'd get caught.
2:40
I SIMPLY MUST DO A FULL MOON RISE VIEWING FROM HERE! It would really be great to commune with God's nature in that way.
Sunlight shadows on a grandeous mountain scale - It's early morning and you look West to see NO shadows. It's late evening and you look East to see NO shadows.
I watched this speck in the sky. / I know it's a plane with people inside. ? Sitting on a mountain top / Viewing all around. / Transporting spirit self / Between here and there. / High Altitude travel throught space / UnBounded.
Cawing of Crows - / Always the same - / From times of youth so long ago / To time of elders - so long away.
### the TEARS came, I feel so good / God, I dont want this to END. / I want to stay HERE and FEEL GOOD, / God, I dont want anymore suffering. / God, I want the whole world to be Happy, / God, please help me ! / God, I dont want anymore sufering / throughout the world. / God, Please LET IT BE. ###
Sitting, on mountain top / in Cold Cool Winds / Trying to stay warm / Survival - Basic Survival / On these thoughts and feelings / Did come.
I dont care if anyone sees me cry!
Drink the beer and walk the fence / Be young again - no - BE young always / Piss through the fense / Like the kid in Myrtle Beach / Let the world see how it should be / From the top of a mountain / Let if fall / There's no reason for shame at all / Nature is Nature, in Nature let Nature Call / I dont care! / Let the TRUTH RING FREE.
Siting - thinking - feeling good / Let the words flow / Let the magic return. / Share this time with others / Yes there other people here now / Two Fathers and two Daughters / OFF SPRING for future times.
Monday Dec 14, 1987
8:20
McDs. After workboot shopping in Easley. A looksee around Radio Shack for walkietalkie too. Scott's PHS band Christmas program. So that's all tonight.
Wednesday Dec 16, 1987
7:15
Mazzios Pizza. It's been a long long time since I've dined out here. The window candle lights are on too. It's Christmas in this use to be cow college town. This is the place with the old pictures, old times, Ivy league clime [with] post yuppie, late eighty kids. Can anyone make those two connections? Such an "awesome" [early eighty term] time spannig connection.
Reading "Framming Pieces" from SSC, the ones since 1969 - "Promise Yourself" by Christain Larson is a good, upbeat, positive one === I talk with a young lady sitting next booth, asked her opinion I did - she likes the upbeat - positive attitude types. Take note that downers are down and out - almost - how else to know the ups if not for the downs.
Handel's Hallaluah Chours - sounding over a pizza place's speaker system. Can you Imagine it?
Will she or wont she, any sigh of acknowledgement. None at all == she, her boyfriend on her mind.
Saturday Dec 19, 1987
8:05
Carolina Creme. Just a bit ago - an hour ago - it started. I was caroling - I didnt plan to - it's just that I went to hear others sing and jsut be part of the listeners. There werent any listners - so I had to join. It was either be dumb by trying to sing along or be dumb by being a lone listener. Whatelse could I do? So we - no they sang at TownCreek Plaza, I tagged along pretending to sing. Walk - stand - sing, walk and sing, go inside and sing - went into pizza inn and sang - me just barely in the door the customers applauded at Pizza Inn. It was too much of a good thing - I left.
Loria and the kid are working tonight. The kid has a long sleeve university shirt on - dont know which yet - Wonder if he got it from USS print? [His grandmother was in Hawaii recently.]
So - It's the Winter Solistice weekend - Monday's the day. It's not so cold tonight. So where's the street kids? the city lights life? the Winter shelter life? the Moods jsut not here tonight. My mind's still burning leaves, My Mind's still caroling. There's something - maybe everything - not like it use to be. Except the lonely evening ahead. That's always the same. A face from Joel's generation. A PHS face from late fifties - '61.
## Transport my mind from this place. / Teleport my spirit to other places. / Carry me to be with EveryWhere / Carry me to be with EveryWhen. / I want to "do it all" / I want to miss nothing. / Let it be AnyWhere, LA or New York / Let it be Amsterdam, Copenhagan, Beijing / Let it be Melborne, Sydney, Hong Kong / Most of all Let it be not alone / Such experiences must be shared / With my girl [boy] friend or Just any Best Friend.
Sunday Dec 20, 1987
7:15
McDs. Thinking - wondering what to do? Winter Solistice is Tomorrow. What special "thingk" can I do this year? Must be something special cause this was a very bad year - my Mind's not the same as it use to be. Must be something special cause NEXT year and each next year thereafter must be Full of Happiness. I dont want to be sad anymore.
Something ! Anything ! to break these links to the past. To build the rest of my life, to build a future bor myself, to build a fortress of Happiness, to do what I want to do, when I want to do it.
And feel good about it!
While driving around, figuring out wher to go and not go cause Ididnt want to do any sub-suggestion like pizza. Idecided on McDs cause it's what I thought of doing while dring back from Lea'. So I'm here so I wouldnt be there. So she's with Lucille there. So here comes John. So there's more crazy thoughts. So is there no Escape?
Monday Dec 21, 1987
7:50
Carolina Creme. Winter Solistice is really tomorrow. It's raining - drizzling not so cool night. Thought of walking the street tonight just to get damp. But looks like getting wet instead. So I guess sitting in a no brand name donut place on this holiday drearly dreamig evening will be the way I spend this astronomical time of year. Fourforty in the morning -- that's whenthe swing through will happen.
Yesterday afternoon - at Lea's wtih Bob Edna, DM Micky, Betsy. Edan was telling about passing though customs at an airport -- traveling to Europe etal - I felt such a strong desire to travel again. I want so much to travel - get in the air agian -- to get away from this place.
Wednesday Dec 23, 1987
3:50
Whiteside. The day after the Winter Solistice. So I didnt do much of anything special for that day. Fact is, last night I had a terrible nightmare - a terrible terrorizing nightmare. I slept with the Christ in Radio and after I wake up - it all happend in the first of sleep too. So I dont know what's going on any more. So anyway, I thought I should skip this afternoon of work and come up here to sit. To sit and think about being here on this Winter Solistice time.
This is the time of year when the pagans celebrate to call the sun back. So maybe the Cherokee came up her to celebrate too. Now that's worth thinking about -- Indians a long long time ago up here for Winter Solistice time. Next week is the betwixt and between days. So I wonder what those days and nights will hold for me. If only I could train myself to think and do for only myself for a long while? To live as if I had only myself to take care of.
Wednesday Dec 23, 1987
7:00
Pizza Inn. Sitting in the middle of the floor - next to the Christmas tree - feel too exposed - too verniable to being eyed by everyone. But then the other alternativis to feel guiltyu aobut sitting ina booth when they'll be others [more than one] who would rather have it. So what! So what? I came to write prose tonight!
Friday Dec 25, 1987
3:59
Whitewater Falls. It's Christmas Day, It's Christ's Day! This is a First - me out in the wilds on this day. Escaping from that ill, homely, family type moods and feelings. Escaping away - that's what Iv'e always wanted to do. It's foggy and mysty but warmly cool - if it had ben cold I wouldnt have come would have I?
The mood to record, thought there are many, is that I wish tahts Jesus would visit with me here and now so that I would truely have memories to keep me well during the hardtimes ahead.
Saturday Dec 26, 1987
2:20
Carolina Creme. It's a dreary drizzlings lonesome afternoon. I didnt go anywhere or do anything and I'm so lonely I could cry.
Saturday Dec 26, 1987
6:50
I'm still so lonely I could cry. There's no hope for me. No wher to go that I've not been before. No Friends to call on. No movies to escape into. All I'm goof for is to be ignored. The things I've really wanted to do, I dont do cause I'm scared they will fail too. If I dont try - I cant fail thats the thoughts now. Even something as simple as being ignore by waitreses. She takes care of her friends first. Such is life for us loners. I hate weekends - I hat holidays - I hate living. Why does it have to be this way? I cant think happy thoughs anymore. The prose about Hang Gliding and Prayer a Day book always wanting to do but never doing. Where's the rewards? Yes! where's the rewards for writing prose, software, or any other venture I've wanted to do? Where's the reward? After years of being ignored, used and abused, why try?
When walking out of Whitewater the other day - I meet five young men (boys) headed in. For extended stay. And when driving back, I pick up four (the same four I saw early when driving up) Asians and gave them a ride.
Sunday Dec 27, 1987
6:30
Carolina Creme. Just came from a visit with Randy and Shelia. They have returned fro their trip to Germany. So I got to listen to their adventures. They saw lost of backpackers, youth on the move. It's good to know that. Youth being free. Got to paly with Randy's toy, frontend loader too. Guess it's best that I just sit and feel out the traveling mood. Thoughts of being in Europe on the road again.
Wednesday Dec 30, 1987
7:35
BurgerKing. Yesterday after work - I delivered a copy of ThoughtSmithing to the Bookstore. Today at noon time I drove here to Easley and left a copy with Poor Richards. The copies had a postpaid envolope and cove letter - so I made it as easy as possilbe to return the rejection notices. It all seems so pointless! No recognization will ever come from it.
Thought I would write another P.A.D prayer but I jsut dont want to. I just feel like just sitting here and worry about not having enough money to quit work. Oh yes - my toys from Edmonds came yesterday and today.
8:05 same day and year
Carolina Creme. [a diff place] Stop here for dessert, afte the fries and coke above.
So - it's the last evening of the year, the eve of New Year's eve. So what's happenig around the world? I want to do something different this year like be with Randy and Shelia. What I dont want to dois spend it alone at home. But I gues with the way this year has been,it'll be what I dont want it to be , not what I want it tobe.
So maybe I let my mind travel the world and live a life in my imaginary world. I'll be with the street kids, in spirit.