Friday Jan 1, 1988
8:25 morning
DaysInn Easley. Just had to leave [ not be home ] last night. Another New Year Holiday at my house was just too much. Had to do something different. So I left mom's and went home to pack my pack and came here. Just to be ina motel on New Years Eve and New Year's morn. Ate a Shoney's breakfast and before I left there Evelyn adn Mr T came in, Harold's closed today. So they are the first ones I've wished Happy New Year to and spokent to.
Not much happened last night - just sleep a little - wake up - adjust covers and heat and repeat it all again. No loud partys. A few people came in from 12:30 to 1:30. So that was NY Eves 1988.
On the Last Day of Last Year - just yesterday - Iwent up to Whiteside and Whitewater. It was cold, cloudy, damp and windy on Whiteside. But still there were half dozen cars up there. Thought I'd have the mountain to myself but it seems like they are others who wanted to be there on that day. past out three copies of WRC paper {{I have no idea what WRC is, wait, Whitewater River Coalition.}}, actually felt like I was doing something.
Took my microphone and scopes just to play with my new toys. Overall - the trip felt odd, the weather, the day, the mental confusion, the thought of these particular days [Winter Solstice and New Year Ever], being occuppied by witchs and warlocks. Just little things - like some lady's comment this morning about it being "cold, wet up on the mountain today". And people being at my places on days when they're not suppose to be.
And at Whitewater - this one dude came walking out with a pack on his back. How do theymanage to campout during cold, wet nights? There's a bunch of cars here too - So what's the deal about being at my Friends' placeswhen they're not to be any but me. There're other tow guys - they had been down to the bottom of the Falls, they were from Flordia, one asked to look through my scope and asked about the microphone. He said, "See you later" when leaving and one laughed when they meet two girls. So what does it all mean?
So what does it all mean? Do all these people and events exist only within my mind? I think, therefore, they be. Thought - Happening - Events like thinkig of fucking around with Rickey yesterday morning and Marty calling, saying he'll be [maybe] down this wekend. DId I really die in the '81 baja wreak, and this is my punishment for my sins? This is hell, living like life has only continued, when it really hasnt.
God, I hope and pry that my minda nd life can be happy and at peace with myself this year. They year, God, Please Let It Be." Amen.
Saturday Jan 2, 1988
8:20
Caronlina Creme. Last night I went to Randy and Shelias. I watch their videos of their adventures in Germany, Austria, and Swisse. Fixed me a Thanksgiving turkey sandwich. Shelia cooked popcorn. Mostly jsut chilled out on European Adventures. Excuse me, but, God how I want to travel to go places to do things, to say truly "I've done it all!" Then again, mostly I was blessed with the opportunity to visit friends and their sharing of their adventures. That's what really counts.
So today I washed the rest of my University Ts. Hand washed them. Watched the dye change the water. Then I took them up to the washette to extract and dry them. So I thought more aobut traveling to the different Universitys.
In the lounge, in the Resturant, on top of Titlus, in cneetral Swisse. The music was american rap all around the world, the youth are all the same, in spirit. Is it anyway possible for a middle age man to be part of that scene?
I know my writing, wont support me, they only mean something to me and have no marketable value. So what would I do if I quit Singer? When my money runs out? Can I llive a bums lifestyle? The starving artist scene? Maybe after all I've imagined about the street life - I would findly experience it, first hand.
Sunday Jan 3, 1988
3:57
Huddle House. A new place to try and nurture new thoughts, new concepts, new life, new etc, new etal.. [[[ Reference McLaughlin shaow, education: It's not spend more money, pay teachers more or use diff circculum, it's how to instill the desire to learn into the minds of the students. ]]]
So what am I going to do? Walk away from my job - my only source of money? There's no encouragement to write and publish, still I want to walk. If I dont walk I could stary and work and spend my money widly. Look at what Randy's able to do! But what about the way Singer, aka ...., treats people. Lay family's off jsut so his books will look better. That's not right! If I dont walk, I'll never know if there's a better life out there, somewhere. What about all the things that'll go wrong. You know not one of your projects has ever worked out. Not even any response from the Lit Agent, was all just a scam to getmy money. Yes! When has anything gone myway? I'm not Ferris Beruller you know. So what! So you dont walk - you'll be unhappy you'll have to spend your money on things you dont want too. So you walk - you'll be unhappy you'll have no money to do what you watn to do. It's a no win - no win game.
Hang Gliding
Monday Jan 4, 1988
7:00
McDs. So, I didnt tell Earl, my boss, that I'm leaving. So, I still dont know what to dot. So, I got to thinkig about all the money I wouldnt have to spend. So, I jsut go crazy and then i wont have to think. So what!
Wednesday Jan 13, 1988
7:05
Pizza Inn. So I did to tell Earl and George that I'm thinking of leaving. So now I'm sorry I did. After I did, Singer's practically sold, and the German Company says, "not now, maybe later." And Henry acknowledges the untruth news thing, he was victimzied too. I didnt know. So what did I do - It's cold, I'm hungry, I'm almsot out of work. So what! What about the homeless, jobless, street people! The one's who want work! You poor, poor creature; with a job, with a home, but not happy.
## HER name is HOPE and "SHE's waited on me before." That's what she said.
Monday Jan 18, 1988
7:10
Pizza Inn. Last Thursday it snowed. It snowed a dry snow and it snowed all day. From early morning to late evening it snowed. "They" said it would and it did. I bought some canned things and saltines and gatorade. It snowed and I sat at home all day. The lonely - helpless - dread of being snowe din. Of wondering if the heat inside will stay on while it stayed cold outside. Never above freezing. For four days, never above freezing. I dont enjoy snow any more - sinc eI feel so bad. The joy's gone. The loneliness has taken the joy.
And all day long I thought and I worried over what I did the day before. I've "almost" quit. Stranded at home wtih no job - the thought of no job, the thougth of *the plan* not working. Compounded - confounded troubling thought. All daylong it snowed, outside and inside it snowed.
Came evening time, when the evening shows were on, things sort of mellowed out. But only casue of the evening time being sort of the regular events. Familarity, contemptment in familarity. It's the "unknown" which breeds anxiety.
On Friday - it had stopped - snowing that is. It's cold - oh I've noted that alread - anyway it's cold. But I get out and shovel a path down to the truck. I cant remember there being so much snow, on the ground, on the cars, on the trees, on everything. A foot of snow. If i had been young I would have played, at least walk in the woods a bit. Still --
Still, the sense and feeling of being stranded was always there. The indecision of wondering - should I try to drive in the snow - what if I get it stuck? what if someone else hits me? what if this, what if that?
So I shoveled snow, eat canned stuff and dry ceral and saltines, watch soaps. Then I think why not pack my pack, put on my boots, get my walking stick, and why dont I walk out? Yes why not?
Pretend a bit, pretend to be a Norwegian hiking through the snow and the cold. At least it'll be something to do - something to talk about and write about. So I did. I walked out Gravely Road - almost turned back, Patty called out and we talked a bit. So I walked on, walked up hill, down hill, around curvers and straght ahead. The snow, the car tracks, the breeze, the cold, the overcst, the trees, the views, the bridge, the river, the streams, the highway, the Ridge Road, the familar faces pasing by, the familar road and places.
The Zen and the thoughts of actually walking in 20 degree cold through 12 inch snow. I really did it.
So I spent the rest of Friday and most of Saturday at moms. That's the only other thing - atleast I did something to help myslef feel like I dod what I could to keep mom from being alone. So mom fixes breakfast and I eat to much. so we sit and watch tv. So about two I pack upa nd leave. It's still the indecision over what to do. ....
So I walk back, throught the snow and the cold. I meet Martha and Eleanor and more. I talk with Ralph and Maw. I wait at the bridge for traffic to clear and I try to look at the scenes longer. So Saturday after I'm back home. Back where I started, home and alone and almost out of work. There things I can do, but didnt - like write programs, write letters, print stuff. But I dont. I think - what's the use. I call Earl and I call Randy and I dont know what to do. I know what I should do and could do, but I dont.
Sunday, almost noon == God help me! Make them scrap the roads, God I cant stand it anymore - pleas help me - help us all! What's wrong with me? What have I done? Why am I torment so?
Listen -- it's them - they've scraped the road. Thank you God!
Hurry - scurry, get dressed - go shovel some more - clear the end of the drive. Hurry - scurry get packed up - prepare to stay at mom's again. I'm leaving. Im driving on the fresh plowed snow and ice. Drive slow - not so fast - dont accelerate - dont brake - keep it in the middle. I'm making progress up a little rise, down tis hill up this hill. I'm doing good. It's not bad. Be carefull now I'm not out yet. It's THE HILL and BRIDGE and THE HILL.
Which way. Go ahead. Constant speed, stay on the upper slope. Easy on out. The new tires must be doing good. Just in front of the old house, yes the worst is over. By Ralph and Mae's, around the curve, up the grade. Getting close. Giggle! Giggle! I did it! I made it. I'm on the highway now! ## Like a prisoner, I'm FREE.
Uptown - there's lots of snow. Mounds and mounds of snow piled everywhere. I wash clothes. I called mom. I check mail. I stop at Winn Dixie. I by a paper. Then It's Sunday afternoon at moms, just like usual. I shovel snow at the end of the circle. A man on a grader drives by and sees me and says "Maybe I can help." I shovel the Rev's drive and mom's drive and I talk with Tim while shoveling their drive.
Then Sunday evening, after a show or two. I drive back in to start a new week. Trying to make it feel like usual.
Wednesday Jan 20, 1988
7:30
Carolina Creme. Was almost psych'd up for to write Revolution Doctrine, it being MLK's day (civil rights thing). But I got here and almost got sat down when -- "Aure you Jerry" "Yes I am. You're Mack". So he sat and we talked and now my mind is not into Revolution.
The other thing I was to write about was a "Prayer a Day" prayer about the snow days last week. So now what do I do?
Friday Jan 22, 1988
7:15
Huddle House. Indecision is back. Go to movie, go to bookstore, go to Grn'vle bookstore. Where to eat, to eat or not to eat. I dont know. I want to write. I want to do but still I dont do.
Saturday Jan 23, 1988
7:50
Washing clothes. Trying to get out of this place early tomorrow. Thinkig at work about goin to Athens, Ashville, Charleston, anywher but here again, another weekend. Drifting thoughts like I still cant decide, leave right after work, yes - no, do clothes first. Go to Easley tongith. I cant do what I want to do, I jsut know know. Whey go anywhere, waste of money and time and miles. I want to run away from home but I cant. [These screaming kids running around here dont help matters either.] My mind has gone and it'll never be the same again.
Maybe if I can make it though tonight, I'll be able to decide in the morning what direction to go. Maybe rent a room in Easley for the day - evening - night. That wouldnt be a bad a just fore a night and early morning.
So I'll jsut sit and Zen out on washing, extracting and drying clothes.
Saturday Jan 23, 1988
7:50
Rocky's Pizzeria. Athens GA. This is Athens Georgia and not Athens Greece. So I'm here, or more important, I'm not there. Home on the Road, is there sucha good Life as life on the Road? At thirty and a day - I doubt it.
So anyway explore the Zen of the time and place. It's early Saturday evening. It's an old old 202 years University town. There's birds in the trees, there's mostly eating - lunch eating - places across the road from the Uni. There's bulding with neat little "gables" on top, with years of erecting, like 1885 and 1892. There's a sense of "present", like it's truly 'now' that I'm here and not 'past' college feelings. Even thought there's flashes of long hair and ponytail hair it's still the 'present' and of course, there's college students - college girls and college boys, mostly working their way through.
Really working hard in the kitchen, / Tall dirty blond hair, tossled and tinted / Breaking for a drink he was. / What's outside and what's inside? / At the check out they're doing checkout things. / But outside - there're other places / And that's what I ponder about / On the other side of those doors.
I was wondering - If I do quit work, what adventures would there be awaiting me? Or would they be misadventures? Maybe the thing to do is to work during the week, travel the weekends. I was wondering - How does one seperate the ideal fantasy world from the more realistic outcome; infactuation with the thought of do nothing - acceptence of the reality of work.
Sho what happened to the "Zen of the Present". To much drifting of the mind - toomuch wondering - too much thoughts of beer and pizza. So I'm here - in Athens - in my Swedish shirt, in a Pizzeria [an american created thing Pizza thing]. So anyway - the thoughts of college and kids and education seem so passs'. Maybe I'm past those things.
## Maybe my mind cant take the alcohol like it use to. That's the real ticket.
So - it's the 10 minute warning. Yes that's what I heard as she whizzed by. Ten minutes till closing time. They do have to clean up before they leave to go study before they go to sleep before they get up to go to class,...
But then again it could be something else, the sign said 0000 and the hostess jsut sat a new couple. So it's "10 minutes" till what?
And still I sit without a stroke of the pen for "A Prayer a Day" book. How can I write about the Zen of UofG Athens? Remember the moods - maybe a walk afterwards - just to develop the moods to write about later.
Sunday Jan 24, 1988
9:10 AM
Athens GA. Colonial Inn. Ate at Shonlys down 78 townsand Atlanta way. Sat for an hour, almost, Reading part of Atlatnta Journal. Noticed taht the Democratic Convention is going to be there this year - politics.
Drove dirctly into downtown and walked around a bit - getting that cold January morning air at eitghthirty or so. Saw this kid cruising around and saw the giggest pigeon I've ever seen, sitting within a hole in the brick wall. The Grill ws open too so maybe I could have eaten there and this Newstand was open too. But mostly it was just a wlk around the empty streets on this cold Sunday morning. I must do it again later and take names for later use in some writings.
You know - things arent so bad if I dont watch tv. and maybe if I dont drink either. I like getting up early and going out to breakfast in a nice place and city. I dont particularly like coming back to a motel in the evening and watching tv and goin to bed. It's sortof ok in the early evening or afternoon as long as I'm out doing something. But the Big question is - is it worth it and will it help to do these weekend trips? I havent done the writing I wanted to, but what's new about that, I never do. I always think o fthe things I want to do cut cant right at the moment. Like writing programs now that I'm here and my computer is a long ways away? You know what I mean?
So the thing to do is pack up and bug out. Go to town and take names and leave.
Sunday Jan 24, 1988
10:15
Taking names. College Square Building, Mayflower Rest, Cappucine Expresso, Ching Express [college plaza], Yudy's Cafe, The Grill, DawgHouse, Helen's Rest. the Pavilion Bldg, Wendy's with wheels, Harry Brennitt, New Orleans Oyster Bar, Mr Haircut, Strikland's Rest., Peddler Steak Huose, Gus Garcia's, College Basics, Balloon Bazaar, [Alley Way], Park Plaza Bldg [high sign on bldg], Jubliee's, (high class Rest), [Alley Stone walk], Food Spirits and Dance, Red and Black Newspaper, Rocky's Pizzreia, Downstairs Lunch, Dinner and Vintage Goods, College Ave Plaza, Cookie's Cafe, MeanBean, Second Time Around, Forgein Affair, Ruthless Records, Barnetts News Stand.
Sitting at the counter in the Grill, I dont like counters, my legs bump and I feel out in the open. There's newspaper readers, and a printout reader, but mostly talking people. It's an mostly male staff runnning around - maybe it's an all male counter and cook staff with lady waitresses.
So anyway -- am I a look like student, me sitting here writing? Or jsut what are my appearences to these people? I do have the photocopy maps laying out so maybe they think I travel. What does the Swedenish Uni shirt do, am i a forgiener traveler -- or do I look like trying to fit in?
Should be sensing the sense of this place, "Zen Out" on being here in. Making simple things, exciting things almost like Kenny and his friend shoping -- that's what's life's about. "You going to squeeze the oranges, can I watch, you do it so well. Making OJ" and directing shopping buggy with airplane signs. "A mistake has been made!" Yes -- these are the things of life. "Oh pardon me, excuse me".
### It's the tone of voice, inflection of sounds, simplest of thoughts. Deep down -- is it a reflection --- signs --- of a happy soul? Positive feedback that's what it is --- feeling happy, making happy -- feeling happier, making happier. Being surrounded by friends help too.
Sunday Jan 24, 1988
1:10
Clemson University, Library Rhodes Benches. While driving thought Anderson thought it be appropriate to stoop at this Uni too. Just to say I've done Uni of Ga and Clemson Uni on the same trip. Noticed the notice about the terrism thing tomorrow night, maybe I should come or will it be gone.
Strange -- how even here, there's none of those old time feelings. Maybe that part of me has finally died.
Really dont know how to read these young faces anymore! Early eighteen tha'ts who these kids are. maybe it's what are their moods of college - what old time feelings will they have, twenty years hence. That's the real question.
Still wearing my Stockhom Uni shirt and havemy maps here too. Jsut trying not to look like I'm trying to look like a student.
Zenout time.
==== Oh yes. The "Athens Greeks" they've got great houses on Millridge Rd old style Ventage homes. There's a few here too over on north perimeter road, but still the "Established" Greeks are in thier old places.
Friday Jan 29, 1988
7:30
So, -- So, So, So -- there must be a better way to start a thought. Like -- Like I backed out of leaving Singer. Told Earl I'l l hang around a while longer. But so what. Now I want to leave and one of the headhunters called that day too and another sing or two showed itself for maybe i should have gone. Earl's trying so to make me feel worth having around or is it not run me off by pushing too much work onto me. And this CV CADD CAM thing cant get near the machine. He siad today taht the schedule is for 2:00 PM till 6:00 night, and gues who gets the bad time? Like I told Joe - I dont care anymore.
Havent done much reflecting on the Athens trip. Got no thoughts left anymore. Did finally type up the Prayer a Day prayers - except it's not one a day, more like every week or more. But anyway it's advanced a little. Wrote maybe a little the other week so there's another task what's behind me now. Come to think of it -- Robbie still awaiting my letter - he's not goin to write till I do. They thing this wekend will be - will be - will be - put up the antenna. I'll go somehere next weekend, Little Swisse.
### I'm hesitant to remark - but - I think I feel somewhat better than over the holiday season. Maybe the trips and not having to think about leaving Singer are working.
Saturday Jan 30, 1988
5:30
Foothills Mall parking. I put up the antenna Randy gave, leaved, to me this afternoon. I sat on the roof and look throught thespy glass and listened through the ear. I drove down here, jsut to go - ride - somewhere before I go back to the lonely Saturday night routine. That's all. Oh yes - i got my copyright for ThoughtSimithing today.
Sunday Jan 31, 1988
3:45
Carolna Creme. I always feel like I should be doing something else - something more productive. At least - be on the go, going somewhere new. But I dont - I've got nothing better to do than what I've grow accustom to doing. It's hopeless - it's truly hopeles that my life will ever change. Such is what depression will do to a mind. Lonely depression. No positive feedback. No encouragement. It's just another dreary, ovecast Sunday afternoon. I gues I just dont care anymore - I'm a beaten man.
Sunday Feb 7, 1988
4:25
SubStationII Clemson. On the point of the triangle at the light - you know - where the old Clemson Post Office use to be - the north limit of Campus. Sitting - watching - [what else do I do] the college men, the boys, playing frisbee and haky-sak. And what of all those others catching cames the young one play - Like snowboarding, skiing, skateboarding, cycling, hanggliding, etc etal. It has something to do with perception of what college boys do or it's security in doing familar kid things.
{{ Margin notes: SubstationII "Hey, this guys got some six foot questions." A $45 sandwich order, how many guy, gals? Working students, How do they do it? Why coulnt I have done it? }}
### The only time when I feel 'right' mentally is when Im driving somewhere. Like on the way down here. I drive and I think. I think of all the things I would want to do. Like the writing of opinions. I've wrote it before but it's ture - as long as I cant actually do it at the mometn, I like to think of the things I want to do. But - when I can do them, I dont and I feel bad about that.
Went on a Randy Adventure this week. He and Shelia bought a bedroom set of furniture. Wanted me to helphim move it - haul it from Greenville, so I did. He hitched the yellow trailor onto the red and black dump truck and off to Grn'vle we rode. He's the one who made the 'going on another adventure' comment.
So we ride to Greenville and load up the boxes and ride back to Easley.
He's says not much to write about on this adventure. I say we havent got it in the house yet.
So we get back to the house, Shelia cant find her keys and Randy knows he dont have his.
No sooner said than he starts work on the kitchen door, the one in the garage. I try finding a window that my be open but it's too lat. Randy's already got the door frame torn down. He leans the door out and unlocks the door.
We finish up the task of unloading the bedroom boxes and rebuilding the door and are getting ready to leave to eat. Randy then remembers the extra key, out on the porch behind the shutter.
Such an adventure, a Randy Adventure.
We ate at Ryans and he blessed the food, and we talked about Singer and then we went back to their place and watched "FireFox" and opened and measured the bedroom furniture. It was a better evening.
=== So where's all the opinons Im suppose to have written?
The Olympics start next Saturday - I thought they did today. But I'm wrong. It's the infactuation - the mystic - the international adventure. One of those - I wish I was there instead of here. I wish I was young again, and atheletic again, and etc, etc, etal.
The Olympics -- to have particpated in some way -- But, of course, the closest I can get is - to be part of the tele audiance - I only wish that there were otheres wiht whom to watch. An Olympic Party like there superbowl partys. But I guess I'll have to do it alone - like I have to do everything else alone.
But so what, the Olypmics - they only happend every four years. That's part of "the why", The rarity. The commraderie and competition of the young and young at heart.
Monday Feb 8, 1988
7:40
McDs. Feel the tv calling, come hither. / You know you dont want to do anything else. / Feel the tv calling, come hither. / There's too many other things to do, so dont do any. / Feel the tv calling, come hither, you're alone. / Come hither, I'll keep you company.
Wednesday Feb 10, 1988
7:00
Pizza Inn. Today, mom's piano left the house, it's over at Richard M's house. Gone but still in the family. Also this week Orah wrote. Mostly a list of names which I already had. Maybe she did add some new names to her part of the family. And she's added two generations back too. Did learn that's it's Edward Houston, my great grandfather.
So. Life's been the same, always the same. I've started telling people that I've resigned myself to the fact that there'll be nothing but bad news, sad and unhappy events every day for the rest of my life!
** Marty wrote and that made me happy, for a short while. But the depressing thing is the dread of other sad things which would take away the happiness.
Thursday Feb 18, 1988
4:30 PM
Warpath. Old place for this weekday and time. Today I went ot Greenville Tec for a CV User's Group meeting. That part was typical business type stuff. However ==
I went to the Bookstore and looked around and ended up getting six lanuage books! Chinese, German, French, Spanish, Italian, and another sign language. I guess I'll never be able to resist buying books.
I also walked around a bit too, just ot see and feel how the Old Place looked and felt. A little of '69, a little of Singer's trips, microprocessors, CV and thisone. Also got to see some of the machining and materials stuff - like fatigue testing and computer numerical control (CNC) stuff, and robitics too.
So anyway - thought I should ride somewhere diferent to finish out a different kind of day. Thought about going to Clemson too, but didnt.
Friday Feb 19, 1988
7:30
Pizza Inn. I guess tonight it'll be beer, pizza and Olympics. That should be right, the Games are on and this will be the american way.
I havent wrote much about the Olypmics. They started last Saturday. Had the opening cermonies. Colourful and joyfull and youthfull and etal. The Torch arrived and was passed, symbolically to a wheelchair man and then to the young kid who lite the cauldron. The Olympic Flame, started by sunlight on a hill in Greece, and passed and carried across Canada. Flown in a special container on a plane from Greece to Canada. Maybe they ran it around Europe first, they didnt say. So anyway, the Games have started and I cried a lot because of all the sad emotion wanting out and how I'll never be happy like those kids in the Olympics.
On Sunday the ski jumping happened, the seventymeter jump. The man bringing up nthe rear was an Englishman who ws glad for the opportunity to be there. All the others -- coaches and jumpers, etal, helped him along. That's what makes the Olympics nice, the youth of the world helping wach other out. That's what really counts.
And then there's the way the american ski jumpers are living out of RVs in the campgrounds. So maybe it's time to get my pizza and go. Go sit in front of the tv, boob tube, and vegetate watching the Olympics ... and dreaming of all the great things I've wanted to do.
Saturday Feb 20, 1988
4:00
Carolina Creme. Just bought a radio shack batter powered amplifer, $22 worth and I hope this works out.
I hope I can get waited on kind of soon, like the people just keep drifting in as fst as they are served - I guess I'll have to get in line and wait.
I've been sort of watching the Olympics this afternoon. The most sking and skiating at my own time. I also tried make a business card with the computer too. So my attention was divided and I dont think I enjoyed either one like I should have. But anyway what's done is done and cant be undone.
Still wish ABC would spend more time on skiing. Like follow a cross country skier around the course. Even just "wandering" around witht he camera would be better than hocky or interviews. But I'm not in charge of ABC so I dont have any influenc so I'll take what ever they decide I should have.
So anyway, I'll just sit here and write and think about what the street kids might be doing on this Saturday afternoon.
[[ Look at the next page, the end of another section. (notebook section divider) ]]
Maybe it's wondering what the rest of the world might be doing in relation to the Olympics. After all, the international news is spreading the word about the games.
Yes, jsut sit here and think about the Games.
Friday Feb 26, 1988
7:30
Pizza Inn. This is the last Friday night for pizza, BJ coolers, and Olympics. I know I shouldnt eat a lot, but the Olympics dont happen that often and besides, mabye I'll get use to the hunger suffering during the next week. If I can stay busy, it dont bother me that much. But if I get my mind on not being able to eat, well it get bad then. usually, if I can make it till after regular supper time, I can almost enjoy being hungry. Mostly just to feel like all the other hungry people in the world. But that's not really right. I can get out any time I want, they can not.
Marli wrote another letter, got it Thursday evening, may have beenhere since Monday cause I didnt go to the post office. [see margin]
[[ Margin note: On the ABC News tonight, a piece about the Olympics, metals and winning or not. But as the kids said, "Just to hang out with the rest of the world." ]]
She still puts herself down over her poor English. I guess she hasnt got my last letter yet - She didnt say so specifically. She also wrote about two movies, "The Elephant Man" and "Johnthan Livingston Seagull". She also seem so concerned about bothering me with her writing. Why is that? Is she really that shy? Or is it she really thinks so little of herself? LIKE ME MAYBE !!
Saturday Feb 27, 1988
12:30
Whiteside On Top. Just a contengency entry, to let me know, I was here, thingk about the Olympics. It's breezing or windy, depeding on which side of the rock you sit. It's also cloudy; getting cloudy so it's not staying sunny warm. There's also lots of ice on the North slopes, thikc and masive in places - like 30 x 200 feet. But it's possilbe to ge around it. I'm not pondering the Olympics much - I've "trained" myself to lete certain moods be associated with certain places, and Whiteside is associated wtih backpacking and traveling and wishing I were somewhere else. [[ another loner jsut walked by, on the other side of the top rock. Dont think he ever stop to stand on top. ]]
The wind is really roaring through the trees. It's slowing in from the North. But it's really tourbulent jsut twenty or so feet above the tree line. [[ I always wonder what those other are doing? Do they just walk through or what? ]] ### Maybe that's it. I've know it all along. Another couple jsut walked up And what he said == "Sorry to disturb yuo" Most people think they are intruding upon us loners, while we loners would like the company. ###
And I think, know, that I hog the top. Others would like to sit up here too you know. So I'll ponder the Olympics a bit then move on back down the trail.
Friday Mar 4, 1988
12:00 noon
Tuck - 123 - Liberty. Today is World Day of Prayer For Peace, so I thought I should do a little prayer too, to add to the other done today. I remember last year that I thought of stay out of work but didnt, didnt again this year either, but since it's twelve noon maybe others are using this time too, to pray a prayer for peace. I know it's not like fasting and praying twentyfour hours but it's what most everyone else is doing. So no I'll sit here and ponder and pray.
God, Accept my prayer ...
Saturday Mar 5, 1988
1:20
SubStationII, Clemson. So, what if I didnt go anywhere. Did you really think you would go to Little Swiss? It' to far to drive and nothing would happen anyway. You go alone, you return alone. So why waste the trip you can do the same by riding down to Clemson, so I did.
The people making the subs have stayed busy. Took fifteen minutes to get to mine. They make them on the counter in front of you kind of up close and personal. It feels good to be near people, college people doing their 'lunch sandwich' thing. "Put some heat on it. Put an order of heat on it." I'm trying to attach myself to too many moods. Like being a radical in '68, being in Beijing in '72, being a colege man in '88. I can never seem to be myself. "Yeah do a couple lines of mustard."
Oh but I can and that's why I'm here, cause I dont want to be myself.
I've traveled through EveryWhere and EveryWhen. / I've been to all those places and events, / I've seen it all, I've felt it all, I've done it all. / I've cried, cried so much and so long. / Cause only within my mind / Has anything ever been.
=== Is that not why you came here? You thought of it while driving. To look and study people's faces. To dwell upon their eyes. To sense what future lays within their lifes. Remember the kid with the flashing eyes, at the old Study Hall in '76 or '77. It's ten years after and where is he now. The young look younger to my minds eye. The ones my age, they look so toubly old. So it's not only what future awaits the young, but what past has the old experienced. [[ And what past have I missed? ]]
There's a second wave of customers now, at 2:00 pm, which made me think of New Wave and Punkers and Rock and Rollers. That there hasnt been any new radical culture scence when? Will there ever be a where or when like the old YMCA karate nights - just across the way?
Sunday Mar 6, 1988
4:15
East Side of Glassy. Looking at Greenville from here. Mood of city life, surronded by countryside. Hints of international city life, mostly cause I want to travel to Far Away Places. It's because cloudy - and cooler - a breeze, a mountain top breeze is a blowing too, so it's doubling cool. You know what the thought is, it dont mean anything if you aint cold and hungry. There's jets making their traveling sounds - take me away with you, where ever it is you go.
I can see the shadow spreading Eastward across the scene, drifting to darken the view. It sould be interesting to watch it over cast Greenville and Paris Mountain. I'll jsut sit here and wait for that. It moves slower the father away it get. Paris has been overtaken, but Greenville's still in the sun.
I guess what it is about international cities is taht they're still jsut a speck upon the surronding countryside. Except maybe LA and Chicago and Beijing. LA would stretch from here to Spartanburg and I cant see Spartanburg from here.
And Greenville' still holding out for the sun. Nothing darkens that which is already darkened. Now Greenville too is in darkness, while I'm in the light.
5:20
Carolina Creme. Just a not to let me know that I visited here too this day. Trying to mixed a little bit of Glassy Mtn top mood with a little bit of last Fall and Winter, lonesome street kids mood.
Wednesday Mar 9, 1988
6:55
McDs. Well, supper's over. Now I can write some. If i can remember all the thoughts that I ws a thinking of writing.
Like, it's still work till 6:30 every night. Monday was really - really - really bad. Like I ate a lot Saturday and Sunday. And I got my weight back up to 185. Like I'd never seen 175 after a month of not eating. i was depressed all day and didnt eat and started to feel weak and dizzy too. Maybe that's the only good thing about Monday - I felt like a wee bit like, those who really have been hungry and starved.
So the othe bad thing about Monday was these geometry and force vectors problems. I worked and I thought and I stared till I was mumbling to myself and crying inside because I didnt know how to solve the problem. So, along with the depression were discourgement, and sadness and why am I still at Singer.
But that's not all! There's more. I woke up at two Monday morning and at three Tuesday morning. Those wake up and doze the rest of the night, dreaming of being awake and cant go to sleep. Thinking about work and being alone and family troubles. I'm beginning to wonder if my mind is really going. Or has it already gone and "this" (current life's aggrevation) is what (how) a broken mind thinks?
Then Tuesday morning, Martha comes in to the Feedroom to bring a package from Marli. It's a tape. So I get Bob's cassette player and I get to enjoy listening Brazilian music. Marli talked long enough to introduce the music - so that's what it mostly was.
It was the crest of the wave compared to the trough of the day before. I really enjoy the Forgein music, but I think of the Zen of someone doing it for me. (was better) was aht I really go off on.
So anyway -- that's the week so far. Must make serious effort to write Marli tonight. Along with the Prayers.
Monday Mar 14, 1988
8:00
Huddle. I'm not sure why I came here. I've become accustom to staying home and watching tv. I even felt like do computer stuff, mostly write the Lent and Leap Year Prayers. But it's been so long since I've been to Easley on a week night that I thought I should. You know what it is? It's mental vs emotional decisions. What I feel like doing and what I think I should do are seldom the same. And I guess I jsut as soon not eat as eat. I'm still tired of doing things alone.
Yesterday I took Scott to Clemson and we walked around campus.
Friday Mar 18, 1988
6:30
Bobby's Cafe. B.G.s It's been another one of those weeks, working late and waking up early. Earlier this week, I decided that if it happens again, I'll get up and get out and get going. So that night I slept through till morning. I guess it relaxing to know you dont have to worry about layng in bed. So anyway, this morning I woke up about five and got up at six and I'm here by sixthirty.
Marli wrote again this week, I'm always behind, cant keep up with her. [I think it takes a week for her letters to get here.] So I dont know how long it takes my letters to get to here. So maybe she jsut get my last letter. Makes no diff I should wrtie every week anyway.
Bobby's here this morning, he wasnt last time I was. He said, "There's a man who hasnt been here in a long while." "It has been more than a day or two." I replied. Remember when I took mom over to see Lea in the hospital, that dude who recognized me in the elevator, he was from here. Wonder why they remember me so? Joel's brother?
Sunday Mar 20, 1988
5:05
SubStationII. So what does the litle heart with "I love you" on it mean? I fund it just now, on three pages hence, if it was there before, or if I put it there, I had forgotten about it. Maybe I do remember a bit, a little dejavue, but it makes no diff. I cant be bothered by it. I'm tired of these "coincidences".
Yesterday, I went to Whitewater Falls. I didnt go to the top or bottom. I walked down the hill and sat at the bridge for a while, then I walked down the trail. I walked farther downt he trail than I ever had before. Walked to where the river flattens out and slows down and where the trail turns away from the river I think. Anyway there's no more steep side and the ground is flat like it shuold be at the foot of the ridge. On the trip down I caught up with thre teenage boys. We exchanged leads a coupls of times. Once I stopped to make conversation. Thouhgt they might be headed to Thompson but they were just out for the afternoon. They went on farther downt he trail. Saw this plastic 'X' marker in the ground beside the river. There's another one up on the highway too. What do they mean?
On the way back out, I meet a group of ten or eleven headed in with packs. A young church group I think. Some of them were preteens. Anyway - the importatnt thing is that I think I've learnt were the packers usually pack to. Like that group I saw back on Christmas day! Not every body goes on long hikes, or to Thompson or Horsepaster. Most of them camp out at one of these places jsut down the trail.
By the way, I stopped at the bridge on the way out. Another large group arrived and I took a group's picture. --- And I hoofed it up the hill and almost beat the boys back out. I did one of them, by the last sevetyfive foot.
Saturday Mar 26, 1988
5:50
Athens GA, University of Georgia Campus. Outside Register's office I guess. So here I am again. Trying to struggle through a Saturday afternoon. I hate motel rooms with their tv traps. It seems such a waste to travel here and then jsut sit in a room watching tv. I hate being alone!
I've already walked around the campus once, not all around, this place is huge. Walked from Main Street down the East side a bit, then onto the old campus and all the way past the stadium onto the Science Center -- they have an observatory - the Science Center was built in thelate fiftys, 1959. But so what, this campus is two hundred years old. There's been lots of building over the years.
=== [ As long as I'm outside, I do ok. ] So anyway, I felt good this afternoon, while walking around. Flashes of a sixtys campus life - wonder what today's life is? There's political posters on the bullentin boards. About Nicarago freedom fighters. That's what I like most - a hint of political protest on campus. But still there's "that thing", "that missing thing", that lack of a degree. A degree in what? Applied Math, Computers, Mechanical Engineering? What would it have been and where would I be now? What I've always wanted was a degree in Everything!!
=== There's music drifting my way, from the Student Center it comes. There's other sounds too, like train whistles and campus bels and birdsongs and automotive sounding cars and trucks, machinery humming away. I guess it doesnt make a lot of diff - any big campus will trigger the same emotions. Youth learning all the things I've missed. But it's really the music is it not, Yes the music of the young. No matter which generation, it's the music of the young symbolizing thier mark in time.
The wind has placed a cloud between the Sun and I, or maybe the Sun has set behind the cloud. [A ? back that way]. Without the Sun the wind has made things cool. It's after six now, it's Saturday evening on a college campus. So where's all the kids? That's what I've wondered about, where are all the college kids?
Saturday March 26, 1988
6:45
The Grill. I ripped off (gently) a poster about Nicarago and stuffed it in my pack. And another tihng, before I forget, there's a bicycle tire up a tree beside the Journalism Building, thoght I should mention it, jsut to wonder how long it'll be before it falls,a nd how lont it's been there. There was something else, but I forgot.
Yes, Yes, Yes !! It's not only the where but also the when!!!
Were you even in LA? Sure, I was there! "the Where". In 1968 and 1973 and 1929 and 1857 and etc. "The When". There's all these great places, people takl about. It's nice to be where great things have happened. It's so much better to be there when they happen. [[ Aside - the jukebox here has Blueberry Hill. "Have you heard Blueberry Hill recently? ]]
Thought I might get to sit for a while, it's what I've been looking forward to -- sitting at "the Grill" looking, watching, writing, but alas, a large crowd has arrived - ant it's happened since seven - and now I feel guilty about taking up space - someone else's sapce - And there's the matter of the waiter's tips too. He will loose more money than I could leave in on big tip. So now I have to move along to another where and when.
Just who are these people, / and how about the water kid / is he a student too, / a working student / like how do they do it? / While I'm still sitting, / waiting to check out, / check out the kids checking out. / Lenin hats and torn jeans / like something out of the old when. / She was the one who punched up Blueberry Hill too.