My Days
January 16, 1999
no greater loss
My chest feels as if it is sinking into the sea of my body. I just called 1-800-US-SEARCH and engaged them to do a superficial search for K's address and phone number. The person I talked to said if K's phone number is unlisted (and it is), they will probably not be able to retrieve it. I think I know where he lives (if he still lives where he lived two years ago). But he could have moved. So what will I do with the information if I get it? Nothing. But somehow, I will feel better just knowing where he is, placing him in a specific spot in the world where my spirit can go out and touch him.
The sun is shining today. And it is warm for January, especially after the cold and snow we've been having. Inside, I feel the deep chill of loss. It draws the energy from me, robs me of appreciation for life. I dream of him often. Waking is painful.
I wonder how he is, how he feels. Is he well? Happy? Does he need help?
Please, God, send my son back to me. I love him. I miss him so.