December 31, 1996
Dogs! Dogs! Dogs!
So many dogs! On-line. Pictures. descriptions. Poodles. white, silver, brown, apricot, and BLACK! I can't trust the woman in Phoenix. She upped the price on me by $100. She wouldn't tell me about the background of the poodle. We had no contract. I asked her for a health history and she said I didn't need it. So i called and said I had changed my mind.
Then I started looking on-line again. Saw all these champions. Black, black, everywhere! I couldn't believe it. And I had been told black was hard to find. Saw one that reminded me so much of Mimi. Her sweet face. Looked at others but was drawn to her. These were not dogs for sale. These pages were for breeders. But I called the number of the owner in the breeder's directory. She is going to breed two daughters from the bitch I saw in January. She took my number. Now I wait.
In the meantime, I start looking for a German Shepherd. Starts and stops here too. Several possibilities. Am waiting to hear from someone in Chicago now. Will probably travel there to see a bitch we just learned about. Maybe this coming weekend or the first of next week. Already Forrest is calling fence makers to come out and give estimates on higher fences. Afraid the ones we have could be jumped over by the dogs. Really getting into it.
So the year ends with dogs in the picture. A fire in the fireplace. The tree still up and lit. Lousy TV. But dreams in our hearts about furry companions. It's OKAY! I like it!
December 27, 1996
anti-climax
not knowing what to do with myself today. Christmas over, what to do with the space that leaves? Living tree still up, brightly lit all day and all evening. And the little ceramic tree mother made for me, that is lit up too. It's a relief not to have to hang any more little ornaments on the music-box tree and play joy to the world.
Too many sweets left. Other goodies. Be glad when they're gone. To be on a regular diet again. To be on a normal routine. Walking through the house. Room to room. Looking for something. Don't know what. Something that will stop the restless feeling inside me. Every room has its own message. Come do this. No, do that. Don't forget me. But, no. i don't listen. I go back to my workroom. Sit in front of the computer. Do a few things on my pages. Add a poem on the poetry page. Add a recipe on the recipe page. Do a few searches. Go around a couple of rings. Looking for something. Check out writers on the web. See what classes are coming up. Don't want to be that busy again so soon. Want to start my memoirs. But want support. Where to get it? How to start? Call Indian center. Looking for luther. What happened to the group? No one home. No answers. Talk to owner of my dog. She will ship her week of 6th. I am ready.
So I am tired of the internet. For today. Don't want to do anything else. Guess I'll go put on my gown, sit in bed, turn on the TV and watch Nick at Night until I fall asleep. And another precious day wasted. God, is there a place inside me where I can find some self-discipline, some "get up and go?" I need it. I need it bad.
December 26, 1996
clouds
I was having such a good time before Christmas. I spent two days in the kitchen making the old family goodies and a few new ones. I haven't had such energy in a long time. Christmas came. Our two sons who live here came over. We had a large meal. We talked. We sent them home with loads of leftovers. Another son called. Then, shock! A let-down. It was all over with a twist of the wrist on the door-knob. An empty house. An empty heart.
I dreamed about Kenn twice in one night a few days before Christmas. In the dream, he was friendlier than he has been, even in my dreams. I was encouraged but still on eggs, fearing I would say or do the wrong thing and that it would send him away again.
How many Christmases have come and gone since the last one we were a whole family? Since the one when Kenn didn't open his gifts until two weeks after Christmas, and then, only at my insistence, and alone, when the rest of us were all out of the house. How many years have I been sending gifts that are not acknowledged? Not knowing if the address is right. If he still lives in that place. Unable to call his unlisted phone number. How many years has the heart been gone from Christmas?
But it isn't Christmas that is important. It's just that he used to enjoy it so much. Christmas eve was his time for shopping. He would get his check, then make a beeline for the mall. Come home and wrap gifts furiously in his room, bring out the gifts and put them under the tree. They were always just perfect, but he always spent too much money. His energy was so much a part of the joy. I miss him so much.
December 23, 1996
changes
My mind is buzzing. Jumping from one thing to another. Was up all night with a bad migraine. Need sleep. Ruth is here cleaning our house for the last time. She says she is retiring. I don't know what we will do. Haven't found anyone to replace her.
She cleans my sister Judy's house too. Talked a lot about Judy, her daughter, Teri, and mother today. How Judy divorced Phil after he was diagnosed with M.S. How she says Phil was abusive. And I know it isn't true. She could just see the handwriting on the wall. Judy is the youngest of 6. She was spoiled. She always gets what she wants, including my old pictures that mother gave to me and I returned to her long enough for her to have copies made; but she never got to complete the job and my pictures ended up at Judy's who says she "can't find them." But Ruth says Teri has them and I know that she wanted them and I know it is true. Judy is a pathological liar. And I say that with complete confidence that I know what I am talking about. She STILL gets what she wants, by hook or by crook, she doesn't care. There are 25 years and bad blood between us. When I think about trying to forgive her for all the harm she has done me, especially with mother, I know I will never be able to. Actually, I don't want to forgive her. I really dislike her intensely.
And Linda, whom I used to adore, but who grew up with Judy in mother's "second" family and who plots and plans with Judy for themselves. I told them both after mother died, when they wouldnt' give me my pictures, that I don't want to ever see either of them again. And I don't. The thought of either of them makes me physically ill. And there is no help for how I feel. At least not now.
I drove by the house the other day. It seems so strange to see someone else's touch there. A large Christmas treee in the living-room window, a wreath on the front-door. Both foreign to me. Mother always had the tree in the large den on the other side of the house. Judy encouraged mother to move out. I was afraid if she did, that would be the end, and it proved to be true, I have seen it too many times. Judy wanted mother to move in with her because it would be more convenient. She had already been paid handsomely for caring for mother with generous securities from mother's estate. The thing is, she did not care for mother. She continued to work, mother had to hire someone to stay with her and take care of her during the day, Judy's second husband cooked the evening meal and watched TV with mother at night while Judy feigned headaches and went downstairs to be alone.
God! What's wrong with me? It is almost Christmas and I am getting into my resentful mode. Get over it, Mary. So very much is more important. So how important will it be when you are dead and buried? It is no more important than that right now. Go into the kitchen and bake some cookies and play Christmas music and remember the good times. Yes. Yes.
December 19, 1996
whose mind is in this body?
I have actually been feeling more centered today. I give it to the sun. This morning I sat in a love seat in the sunroom and let the sun warm me. I watched the winter birds, cardinals, mourning doves, a robin, sparrows, finches, a starling and a woodpecker....all feeding on the seeds we put out. And I was glad we had the heater in the birdbath keeping it liquid. It was bitterly cold today and I stayed in but with a feeling of gratitude for the chance to be in this day, still reasonably well and able to to do as I please. When you get older, you appreciate each precious day, each happening more because life is more uncertain for us. I enjoyed making lunch, setting the table, eating the food, finishing ordering Christmas gifts from the catalogues. Everything! Everything is a priveledge, a joy!
This doesn't sound like me. Is it because I am making more endorphins (which makes it not real) or is it the sun's cure? Definitely an upliftment. And maybe one does not negate the other. Why wonder about it? Just enjoy. Yeah. And let's do it again tomorrow.
December 18,1996
quantatative set
I have wasted this day. Haven't finished Christmas shopping but just sat in front of the screen today checking the mail, working a bit on my pages. I can't believe the day is gone and I can't feel as if I have accomplished more than that. Shame on me.
Forrest went to the grocery store this afternoon and asked me if I wanted to go. I said no. It is really cold out and I hate cold. I am like a bear in the winter. Just stay in as much as possible.
I did fix lunch and walk on my treadmill. My only exercise for a full day. Oh, and yes, I took a bubble-bath and washed my hair.
Talked to the owner of the poodle I am buying. Airlines will not take animals until after the first. So, we will not have her with us until 1997. She's 5 years old and house-trained. Good! I wasn't looking foreward to training a puppy. I can't bend down because of my arrythmias. They are positional. I can't sleep on my left side either,for the same reason. Also, I can't take extreme heat or extreme cold. I don't feel sorry for myself though. I am lucky not to have much more wrong with me. Like Bud. Or Harriet. So many others my age and younger. I just keep holding my breath, wondering when my turn is coming. I'm the eternal pessimist. I wish I wasn't.
Forrest said he read that fear is a genetic trait. It makes sense to me. Depression is too. I know that. My mother, all my siblings, me, our sons. We are all depressed. I was in Forrest's room today and felt hemmed in. He had the drapes closed to keep in the heat. I hate cold but I hate darkness more. I just realized that today when I left his room for my cold one because it was lighter. The sun is like an elixer to me. A good dose of it brings me right out of depression.
I promise myself that tomorrow I will be more productive. Get things done. My writing class is over now and I will have a lot more time. Things I want to do, like make another photo page, a couple of new pages, things like that, but Christmas is upon us. First things first.
December 17, 1996
catch-up
Oh my.....what a week! The doctor said I injured my ulnar nerve. A relief, yet an inconvenience. But the diagnosis was a weight lifted from my mind. I imagined much more serious, even terminal possibilities.
Found a silver miniature bitch poodle. She is five years old and the owner does not want to breed her any more; instead wants to keep her puppies. So, I am in luck. The problem now will be how and when to transport her from Arizona to Missouri. The airlines have stopped transporting animals until the first of the year. We considered geting in the car and driving there to get her but that is really not a good idea. Guess I'll just have to be patient. I have waited years. What's a few more weeks? Got her pictures in the mail yesterday. She has such a sweet face. I just know she and I are going to be great friends!
Very gray today. Cold. And snowed earlier. Not much though. But it does look like the season it is. This is not a good Christmas for me. Mother gone and a reminder every morning after breakfast when I put a tiny ornament on the advent tree she gave me last year and play the music box it sits on top of. "Joy to the World.! " Yeah, joy, to some, I hope.
And I haven't hear from my friend, Harriet. She is still on chemo. Just a stream of bad news. I dreamed last night that I cut a front leg of a poodle off (don't know why), then felt the loss of the leg. And guilt. Also dreamed a woman in a wheelchair had a bad arm which flopped around uncontrollably and she had to take injections to make it stop. I guess the temporary loss of use in my arm really affected me. And the implications, before I found out what the problem was.
Well, I gues it's time I listened to some good music and try to relax. Going to need strength to get through this next week!
December 10, 1996
worries
My numbness is still with me. I called the doctor's office today and made an appointment. They will see me tomorrow because they think it is serious enough to not wait. That scares me. So I worry about that. A lot. And I grieve for Bud. He is quite bad. Can't walk across the room without running out of breath. He admitted to me on the phone yesterday that he does not feel at all well. When Bud admits that, you know he feels terrible! All next week he will be at a Cancer research hospital for tests. They say he has a rare type cancer and they don't know what to do. I am afraid the surgery spread it. He is so much worse since the surgery. I am so afraid for him!
I may have found my miniature poodle. She is in Arizona, a silver bitch, 4-5 years old. The owner will snd me pictures. She must look just right. I want her to have a sweet face. This is a bitch who the owner is not going to breed any more. She is keeping her puppies instead. Well, I'm not going to think about it until I see the pictures.
Besides, it is hard to think pleasant thoughts when so much else is up in the air. I can only pray that all will turn out alright. So, once again, the world stands still.
December 8, 1996
No! It CAN'T be!
I swear I had a more recent entry....on the 6th. I know I sat down here and wrote it. It was late. I must have forgotten to save it. Or, maybe it got lost in the blackout of geocities. I think I was finishing up about the time it happened. I was without my pages for almost two days! I was lost! Didn't know what to do with myself. Just sat here and looked at the screen, kept trying to access my pages, looked at pages that didn't have a geocities address; it was so frustrating. My, what in the world did I do before the world wide web? My pages are like my pocketbook. When they are missing, it is like a part of myself is gone.
I'm beginning to get concerned about my need to be here so much. I feel I am hurting myself in ways I don't even know. For one thing, I probably don't get enough exercise. I don't do all the other things I like to do. I need to get out more. I have a tendency to isolate myself anyway; this gives me a good excuse to do it. I think I need to take myself out maybe once a week to do something special. Get away from the four walls. BE in the world! Be a part of it in reality and not just on the web.
But the web IS great! So many wonderful contacts. So many opportunities. Anything you want is here. And the contacts are so far-reaching! It boggles my mind. It's a whole new world from the one I knew growing up. Then, we didn't even have TV. We thought the radio was greatest invention there was for home entertainment.
Been doing Christmas shopping from catalogues. It is a pain but not nearly so bad as trying to do it at the mall. Or even a shopping center. Everything is wild this time of year.
Oh! I have a new thing to worry about now. Forrest says I'm not happy unless I'm worrying. That's not exactly true. It doesn't make me happy to worry but I do seem to keep worrying about one thing or another. I wish I could quit. So I could enjoy life. Now the worry is that my left hand and part of the arm is numb. And sometimes the left side of my face. Just started a couple of days ago. If it doesn't go away soon, I am going to see a doctor. Whatever it is, it isn't normal.
I told the other students in my class, maybe I need a tranquilizer. Half kidding. But it seems I do get more upset more easily than I used to when I was younger. I used to be a very patient person. I think I am losing it. I believe most older people are on tranquilizers....heck, even younger people. It's a difficult world we live in. Not to mention, for older people, approaching their last trip. It 's unsettling. It's depressing. It's downright terrifying!
December 3, 1996
changes
Tammy found another home. She had already been placed before I sent my application! Well, I am sad for me but happy for her and her new companion. But I am not discouraged. I will keep searching for my dog. She is out there someplace and eventually we will find each other.
Yesterday I got my "vanity" plates. Nothing vain about it, really. Just want my plates to say who I am. misong, the name I chose for the net, the name that has a lot of meaning for me. So it is on my car now as well as on the screen.
Got a letter in the mail from the adoption agency John and Debbie are getting their two children from. Shaina's adoption process is almost complete. They want me to write them a letter as to my opinion of John and Debbie being adoptive parents and any other info that would be helpful. How can I tell them what wonderful parents they will be? That they already are? I have never known two sweeter people as a couple. They are both soft, even-tempered, loving, patient. They have been keeping foster children for years. And their patience has been tested over and over again. They have had the baby since she was 5 days old. She is seventeen months now and a delight. John says she is "beautiful." And she is. And John and Debbie get credit for making her the happy beautiful child she is.
How can I tell them without sounding biased? Of course, I am. But even if I was a stranger, I could see that they are great parents. I'll do my best. And maybe this is just a formality. They surely must know. They have been keeping tabs on the situation. I just hate these things. It feels like a test. And I don't want to fail them.
I changed my geocities home page address today. I'm just not a "Paris" person. So now I'm in SoHo Lofts, where I feel I belong. I'm casual. Maybe not entirely bohemian. Don't particularly like to hang out in cafes. Well, if I was younger, I would. I'm just too lazy at my age. Anyway, I feel more at home here. I'm concerned, though, because I can't access a couple of my pages. I hope it's just a glitch and will be straightened out. I would hate to lose them. Actually this diary is one of them. Not that it would be a great loss to anyone but me. I just hate to lose pieces of my life, espcially when I have put forth an effort to save them.
So, my new assignment came in today and I must get started on it. I may not be back here for a couple of days. Busy. Busy. Busy.
December 1, 1996
Tammy
Tammy. Tammy. I keep saying the name. I've just got to have her! I found her on a pet adoption site today. Been wanting another black poodle for years. Been looking. Couldn't find the right one. No chemistry. This sweet one spoke to me from the screen. Two pictures of her. She reminds me so much of Mimi. She is 8 years old. Was terribly abused by her original family. Then an older woman adopted her. Then the woman died and Tammy is terribly grief-stricken. Oh, how I would love to love her! I wrote an email to the place telling them I wanted her. There are other dogs too, but she is for me. I just hope she has not already been taken by someone else. She just stole my heart.
I have been so discouraged, looking and looking, and not finding what I was looking for, not really even knowing myself. I just knew that when I found her I would know it. It would be such a disappointment to find her at last and not be able to have her. Oh, God, and all the angels and saints, please! Please let it happen for me....and for her. I would be so good to her. She would have a good home with me.
Mimi had been abused too when I got her, but she was less than a year old. The poor little thing just clung to me. She became the light of my life. Then she was killed in her own yard by a car out of control. I was devestated. Had her cremated but wasn't able to look at her ashes until years and years later. I still miss her. I still grieve her death. I adored her and she adored me. We were a good pair. Now, it is as if she might come back to me....reincarnated. Oh, yes! It must be so!
I wrote the email this morning and haven't gotten a reply. I have been checking all day. I tell myself I haven't heard because it is Sunday and tomorrow I will hear. And I will hear something encouraging. I haven't wanted anything so badly in such a long time. I will keep thinking positive thoughts. And that will bring her to me. I'm waiting for you Tammy. We will be good for each other.
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