my own words






February 16, 1997

Tears in the gut

Forrest's mother died this evening. She was in her 90's. Maggie called this morning to say she was not well but neither of us expected her to die this soon. I guess it is always a shock. Forrest says his mother died a long time ago. She didn't know us the last two times we were there. But it isn't true. A part of her, maybe, went away. But there is something about death that leaves a space in your heart. Something is missing. The world seems silent. The past starts knocking on your door and all the feelings you ever had start pouring in. There are things to sort out. Memories. Thoughts. Feelings. This is the beginning of a journey that must be taken in order to heal. And mustn't there always be a healing when someone dies? Especially when that someone is your mother? I will support Forrest whether he thinks he needs it or not and I send my love and warm thoughts to Maggie and Herb.




February 8, 1997

confusion

Questioning the ligitimacy of my life. My thoughts. My actions. Experience. Too much going on in my life. And no orginization. Legitimate calls from every corner of my mind. Do this. Do that. What? Where? How to start? To do one thing is to neglect another. To prioritize is the answer. But what if the mind is so confused it does not know what is most important? Everything seems important. Email friends waiting to hear from me once again. Changes need to be made on my web pages. Write in my diary. Poetry. I need to spend time with my new poodle and do the training exercises with her that I learned in puppy training class. Doing the homework for "The Internet for Writers" on-line. The listserv I joined and want to participate in. Learning how to work the clipmate, powwow, other chat places. Cook. Clean house. Do the laundry. Shop. Who said there would be plenty of time after retirement? Why do I still feel as if commitments are swallowing me up and I am losing myself? Why do I close my ears to the voice inside me that is virtually screaming? Drop some things! Organize! Accept that you have limits! Make room.




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