My Days

Hi Scott. I signed up for a mourning and writing class. It's helping me get through some of the stuff I've been afraid to address for fear it would be too painful. So far I've written a long letter to you, a eulogy and a piece about my unfinished business about your suicide. It's painful to face it all again but it must be done. It's nine months now and I need to move on with my life.

Just saying that is frightening. I can't bear the thought of moving on without you. And that just keeps me stuck in this same familiar place of grief. I'm going to sink if I don't start swimming.

I haven't been feeling well for about a month. I've had a pain in my right side. At first I thought I had appendicitis but nothing like that developed. My doctor wants me to have a colonoscopy but I'm afraid to do it. We're kind of at a standstill right now. My guess is that I have something like diverticulosis or colitis. I think I have made myself sick with grief. Easy to understand. But I have too much to do yet. So why can't I go on with living? I must if I am to survive. Please, Scott, if you are at all aware, help me to move on! Not to leave you. Just to move on with my life. You'll always be with me, no matter what. That's just how it is but I need to go forward a little.