In the depths of despair is more like it. The beautiful month of May when the world breaks into blossom, I break in two. A lot of rain, gray skies. I can't live without the sun.

Renovating, having skylights put in, flower beds, an addition to the patio. Then, whamo! I'm on the treadmill and have a PSVT, have to go to the emergency room for an IV drip of Cardisom to stop the wild heart. Now I'm afraid to go back onto the treadmill. Afraid to walk. Afraid to do anything. Even breathe. I can't write. Can't read. Sit all day and play solitare games on the computer. Mindless games. Keep me from thinking. Don't want to think. Don't want to feel my fear, think my thoughts. Just click the mouse, watch the cards float across the screen. The click of the mouse is strangely reassuring.

Life is unpredictable. We think we are in charge of our lives but we are not. The elements, other people, governments, even our own bodies hold us prisoner. We're little ants laboring to carry a big load on our backs. Little ants who are so busy surving we can't experience life....or even know what it is about.

Well, I am not going to drivel more on these pages. This is it for this month.

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