A Message to Jesus
On the evening of 19 April 1997, I, Carrie Laben, found Jesus...
Well, to be more precise, I found his webpage. Yeah, Jesus uses America Online. Why am I not suprised?
Anyway, it occurred to me that if Jesus has net presence, it's not inconceivable that he one day may stumble across my humble HTML realm. After all, he's got all of eternity. So Jesus, if you're reading this, here's my message to you:
Dear Jesus
Despite some of the harsh things I've said about you, I'd like you to know that I don't think you're all that bad a guy. Sure, your followers have completely fucked up American society trying to make living, breathing human beings conform to weird-ass rules out of some 3000 year old desert fairy tales. And said followers have also been tormenting, harassing, threatening, and generally annoying me for all eighteen years that I've been on the planet. But hey, that's just a matter of being in with a bad crowd. I can forgive that.
After all, Jesus, you and I have a lot in common. You're crazy; I'm crazy. You made an avocation of annoying the civil and religious authorities of your day; I try to disturb those of my day as much as possible, while learning from your example and not getting nailed to a cross. You spent three days in Hell (or was it two?); I spent twelve years in the Alden school district. You're often protrayed with long, blond hair parted in the middle; so am I.
So you see, there's no insurmountable gulf between us. In fact, friendship between us could be mutually beneficial. you convince your crowd not to be a bunch of obnoxious fanatics, and I'll see what I can do to stop my people from actually standing them up against a wall and shooting them when the revolution comes.
What do you say, no hard feelings? Drop by some time, we could chat, maybe see a movie, look at my collection of Jack Chick tracts (you'll get a real chuckle out of how this guy sees you!) And I can lend you some of my little white pills, the kind that stop you from thinking you're god anymore. You'll feel no end better once you get your feet back on the ground.
Sincerely
The Reverend Carrie R. Laben, Prophet of Herman, DYA
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Copyright 1996 Carrie Laben
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