Important Disclaimer: Like it says above, these jokes are blasphemous and may be offensive to people who take religion seriously. Some of them contain vulgarity and sexual and/or scatalogical content. If you don't want to read such things, you can leave right now by hitting the Back button on your browser. If you choose not excersize that option, don't come whining to me.

Index:

Page 1: The Dead Baptists Joke God's Lawsuit God's Vacation The Cheerleader Joke The Fundy and the Atheist

Page 2: "Oh Shit, I Missed" The Confessional The Puppies "Jesus Saves..." "Jesus Saves..." II

Page 3: Beer vs. Religion The New 10 Commandments

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Three Baptist ministers and their wives got into a car crash and died one day. They found themselves standing at the pearly gates together before St. Peter.
St. Peter opened his big book, pointed to the first minister, and said, "You're going to Hell."
"What? Why?" cried the minister.
"Because you lusted after money. You never actally stole any money, but in your heart you were constantly thinking about money. Why, you had money on your mind so much that you even married a woman named Penny. So you're going to Hell."
And in a puff of smoke, the first minister disappeared. St. Peter flipped a few pages in his book and pointed to the second minister.
"You are also going to Hell," he said sternly.
"Why?" said the angished minister.
"For the sin of lusting after alcohol. You never actally drank any alcohol, but you constantly lusted after it in your heart. You lusted after it in your heart so much that you even married a woman named Brandy. So you're going to Hell."
And in a puff of smoke, the second minister disappeared.
The third minister turned to his wife and said, "Well, Fanny, it's been nice knowing you."

Index


One day God took a little stroll around Heavan, and he noticed that the stone wall that seperated Heavan from Hell was looking a little shabby. A lot shabby, actually. Stones were down all over the place, the razor wire along the top was rusty and dull, in places the wall had gaps several feet wide. "This is no good," God thought. "Next thing you know there'll be souls escaping from Hell." So he called a contractor to have the wall repaired.
That's all well and good until the day when the contractor presented his bill. "Holy shit," said God, "this is going to bankrupt me." So he phones up Satan.
"It's your bill," said Satan, "you pay it."
"But it's your side that puts all the wear and tear on the wall," God replied, "and I did it to keep your damned souls from escaping."
"Tough luck. I'm not paying."
"You have an obligation. If you don't pay your share of this bill, I'll take you to court!"
"Oh yeah?" said Satan with a snicker. "And just where do you expect to find a lawyer in heavan?"

Index


Moses and God are walking through Heavan, and God complains of being bored. Moses suggests a vacation.
"That's a great idea," says God, "but where?"
"How about Jupiter?" Moses asks. "Impressive scenery."
"Yeah, but the gravity gives me a backache."
"What about Pluto then?"
"Too cold -- and too boring. I need excitement."
"Well, if it's excitement you want, what about Earth? It's the happening place to be."
"Earth?" God says in disgust. "Oh, no, not Earth. Last time I was there I got some bitch pregnant and I haven't heard the end of it for two thousand years."

Index


Why did the cheerleader go to church?
(With arms held out in crucifixtion position) Because she heard that they had a guy hung like this there.

Index


Once there was a man who was an extremely devout Christian. He believed firmly in the power of prayer. If something bad happened, he prayed for help. If something good happened, he prayed in thanks. If he had to make a choice, he prayed for guidance. He prayed on behalf of his friends, his relatives, and people he met on the Internet.
Nevertheless, he had problems. He worked like a dog, yet he never had quite enough money to pay the bills and was deeply in debt. His wife was irritable and sickly and had been making him sleep on the couch since the late eighties. His college-age daughter was flunking half her classes and only called home when she wanted money, and his high school age son was flunking all his classes and spent a most of his time in his room smoking things that smelled odd.
One day the Christian got down on his knees and poured his heart out. "Oh Lord, You know that I'm devoted to You. I make time every single day for prayer. Yet my financial life's a mess, my marriage is a mess, my kids are a mess. My next-door neighbor is an atheist, and he has a great job, a lovely, devoted wife, and a daughter who's going to be class valdictorian. What's the deal?"
And God, with a voice like thunder from the sky, said, "He doesn't bother me all the time."
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