10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over their brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait more than 2,000 years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying that Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me, and thou shalt get very offended if anyone else does.
2. Thou shalt make for yourself no graven images, although paintings of Elvis on velvet are acceptable.
3. Thou shalt not take My name in vain. To remind thyself of this commandment, thou shalt plaster My name over every available surface, on T-shirts, caps, bumper stickers, etc.
4. Honor the Sabbath and keep it holy by driving to and from church several times during the day in enormous slow cars that take up every available lane, thus preventing the unbelievers* from being able to get anywhere.
5. Honor thy father and mother by refusing to even consider the possibility that there might be a better way to do things than the way they did things.
6. Thou shalt not kill, except homosexuals, federal agents, and anyone in the immediate vicinity of an abortion clinic.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery if there is any possibility that you might get caught.
8. Thou shalt not steal, although thou may takest as much money in 'love gifts' as you can persuade your audience to mail in.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness, unless you are talking to or about unbelievers* or trying to convince the audience to send 'love gifts.' (See number 8)
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his oxen, and especially not his ass. Thou may covet thy neighbor's school board seat and his (or her) right to control his (or her) own body and mind.
* For purposes of these commandments, the term 'unbelievers' includes
not only atheists, agnostics, pagans, Jews, Muslims, Satanists, etc.,
but also any Christians who differ from you in the slightest about such
weighty matters as which holidays to celebrate, how to decorate the church,
and what kind of music is acceptable.
