I saw him for the first time in months yesterday, during the storm. Or rather, it was the first time in almost a year that I hadn't pretended not to see him. Every other time I had the misfortune of spotting him, I'd simply ignored him. This time, I actually found it within myself to speak to him, even civilly. Which was a huge step for me, I might add.
I'd been caught off guard, too busy looking up at the heavy storm clouds to be wary. I was trying to figure out if the storm was going to break before I could get back to my apartment or not. I'd only just put my last letter in the mailbox when a voice behind me cried "Dana!" I'd spun around to look, only knowing that the voice was familiar. He stood grinning behind me. After the first impulse to fall into the earth faded, I found my voice to speak to him. " Evan. "
His arrogant blue eyes bore into me, the same way they used to. "Why are you looking at me like that?" he demanded to know. " You look like you're terrified of me. Like I would hurt you or something."
"Well, you have set a precedent for that." I'd quipped, hoping to draw blood.
" That's not fair, " he said, sounding almost forlorn.
" Isn't it?"
His composure looked like it was going to slip for a second. He quickly attempted to change the subject. "Hey, you didn't come to my graduation. Why not?"
" Well, Evan, going to the graduations of people who hate me have never been high on my priority list."
"Hate you? I don't hate you!"
I stared at him a moment, trying to gage his sincerity. " Is that so? You'll have to forgive me then. I guess that I took your saying ' I hope we never have to see each other again' the wrong way."
" Oh, that."
" Yeah that. How the hell was I supposed to take that?"
His posture took on the defense of a teased little boy, rather than the composed man he seemed to strive to be. " Come on, Dana. This isn't fair. We both behaved badly, not just me."
Surprised to see his protesting, I took a moment to collect my thoughts to my advantage, not caring how the pause made him nervous. I looked him over while I tried to figure out the right words. He didn't look bad, and that rankled me for some reason. When I thought I'd let him suffer enough, I said. " No. You acted badly. You lead me on for three months, then decided to date someone else. Too much of a coward to admit it, you casually dropped it into a conversation. I made a fool of myself, but what did you honestly expect? You made me fall for you, then pulled the rug out from under me. It hurt. I had to push you away back, you didn't give me a choice. I reacted to you, that's all."
" I…I…aww, damn, I don't know how to defend myself. I didn't set out to hurt you, I swear. It just happened that way. She dumped me months ago, anyway." He had trouble looking me in the eyes. Score one for me.
I almost felt bad for him, I'd come to the conclusion that he'd done what he had without intent a long while ago. " Yeah, I guess it was an accident," I conceded grudgingly. I felt a touch of self-loathing, too, because I actually felt a small surge of interest when he said that he'd broken up with her. What the hell was wrong with me?
His smile returned to his face, apparently he was pleased at the possibility of being forgiven. As was his gift, he shifted the conversation to the utterly inane by asking, "How's Mock the wonder mutt?"
I looked at him for a moment, idly wondering if he'd lost his mind." My sister finally got an apartment that allows pets, so she took him back."
" Oh, that sucks. He was a fun dog to play with."
"Yeah, well, I've got a new puppy, Keegan. She's a little sweet heart." She is too, a small, floppy, energetic playmate.
"What kind of dog?"
I can't believe we're having this conversation, I'd thought. "She's a yellow lab. almost three months old."
I might have been able to turn the conversation back to the past and tried for a few more stinging remarks, but then the storm broke. A large, unexpected, crash of thunder made me yelp and dive into his arms. Shocked at my own behavior, even if under duress, I disengaged myself as quickly from him as I could, mumbling an apology. He just stood there, smiling like a fool, babbling about how nice it was to see me again or something. I agreed that it was interesting to have ran into him, and then got away as quickly as I could without running. I was relieved that I didn't have any more classes that day; I didn't want there to be any chance of seeing him again.
Keegan ran to me as I struggled out of my raincoat. She skidded to a stop in the puddle around my feet. Her tail wagging, and almost seeming to smile, she was really glad to see me. Evan, on the other hand, I was far from sure that he' d actually been pleased to see me. I scooped her up, and brought her over to my chair. She wriggled in my lap and licked my fingers as I pondered the mystery that was Evan Kerr.
I'd met Evan the spring before last, we worked together in one of the stores downtown. We had hit it off really well, and spent most of the time at work joking and laughing. Soon after we began meeting for coffee and conversation almost every night. I thought he was special, damn near perfect or as close to as it as I was ever going to meet, to tell the truth. I made him up in my mind to be this absolutely wonderful guy; I suppose he must have realized this, because he said everything I could have ever wanted to hear to fuel my daydreams. It only took about a month before I was head over heels in love with him. And, like a fool, I thought that he loved me too. So maybe he hadn't come out and said it, though neither had I, but I thought that I sensed something.
It took months, but I finally figure out what he was all about: talk. I discovered him for the poser he was as we went shopping one day. He'd pointed to a sweater and said that his girlfriend had one just like it. My brain whirled with the information: in my mind I saw him reach over and rip my heart out of my chest. In reality, I'd said something like "Oh that's nice" and suggested that we go to another store. I waited until I was safely home and in the shower before shedding a tear. I would have been damned before giving him the satisfaction of seeing me cry.
I don't think he got it at first. I no longer suggested that we do anything together, and I always found a way to be busy when he wanted to do something. The madder I got, the less I spoke to him; within two months I wasn't speaking to him at all. He finally confronted me and I told him what a lying bastard I thought he was. He said that he couldn't believe that he'd done or said anything to mislead me; my incredulity fueled my anger even more. That was the night that he told me that he never wanted to see me again, which, by that point, was fine with me. I quit my job the next day to make that a little easier to enforce.
It took longer than I'd hope to get over him, and I couldn't deal with the thought of dating anyone else for a long time. Sure I was licking my wounds, but he'd dealt my ego a stunning blow. I had always thought of myself of a good judge of character, and he proved me terribly wrong. Maybe I was just angry and sad, and scared to meet another Evan. Eventually I gained my confidence back enough to meet and see a handful of guys. However, I only I only went out with them a few times each before I lost interest, then touch with them. I guess it was a power thing, being able to be the one to call the shots, I don't know.
I thought about Evan a lot. At first, when I was still hurt, I'd wished death or worse fates on him. Then I fantasized about meeting him years later and showing him up: him alone and desperate, me with a loving husband and children. When the sting began to wear off I tried to analyze what had happened. I figured out that he probably hadn't set out to make me feel like a fool. He was probably just lonely and hungry for the affection I'd (stupidly) showered upon him. I think he got so caught up in it, that by the time he meet his girlfriend he was so used to me agreeing to everything he said and did, he truly didn't expect me to make a fuss when he chose someone else. That's how I rationalized it anyway. I almost forgave him after a while, but I cautioned myself against being around him, which is why I ignored him whenever I saw him. I knew myself too well to delude myself where he was concerned. Some people are like heroin, and can't ever be gotten out of your system completely. I'd avoided him because I was afraid of that having once been in love with him might make me more susceptible to having it happen in the future. And now I'd come in contact with him again. I sighed still siting in my chair, closing my eyes, barely noticing that Keegan had scampered off my lap in boredom. A while later I put "Foolish Games" by Jewel on the cd player and warned myself not to think too much.
While I was eating dinner the rain poured down very hard, keeping a drum beat on the roof. I looked outside at the lake that was once my yard and shivered, I wouldn't have wanted to be caught outside in that. I began to wonder what it would be like to be a creature who had to live out in those elements, when the phone rang and brought me back to the real world. I felt a bit of apprehension at answering the phone for a moment, then, thinking how foolish that was, I reached for it and picked it up.
" Hello?" I'd said, figuring it would be my friend Michelle.
" Dana? It's Evan. Look, I'm not sure if I should be calling you, but I'm stuck on campus. They canceled all the buses because of the flooding in nearby towns. The roads don't seem too bad here yet though. No one else I know with a car is home…Things didn't go too badly today, did they? Do you think you could find it in you to help me out?"
I just stood looking at the phone, as if I didn't know what it was for. I was torn. I didn't want to get him because I was afraid to, but I didn't want to leave him stranded. Before I gave myself time to think of any more pros or cons, I found myself asking,
" Where are you?"
" I'm at the pay phone outside the coffee shop." He sounded relieved.
" You still live at The Downs, Right?"
"Yes."
" I'll be there in twenty minutes. Go get yourself some coffee and wait inside."
" Thanks so much Dana. Bye."
I put my raincoat back on, and wondered why I was doing this. I told myself something about being a good Samaritan, and left before I changed my mind. When I looked back towards the window I saw Keegan with her nose pressed against the glass. I waved to her, but she just gave me those sad eyes. Some times I wonder if that dog knows more than I do.
Evan slid gratefully into the passenger seat a few minutes later. Not wanting to force a conversation, since I didn't even know if I was up for one, I flicked on the radio. We drove along for a couple of miles, listening to a song and the thump of the wiper blades against the windshield. Then the news report came on. All roads out of town were closed, per order of the state police. Evan and I gave each other stricken looks.
"Shit." He didn't say it loudly, but it echoed my own thoughts. Now what were we supposed to do? There was no way for him to get home, unless I decided to be a daring lawbreaker, which just wasn't my style. I pulled over to the side of the road, and asked him to let me think for a minute. I tried to put my suspicion aside. While he might not have been truthful about trying to find someone else to drive him home, he didn't cause the flooding. And I didn't think that even with his charismatic personality he had the power to get the roads closed, or bribe a radio guy into saying that they were. I decided that he was basically innocent, and a mere victim of fate, just as I was. The only solution I could come up with was letting him spend the night. I didn't want him to, but since he was in my car, no matter how he got there, I figured that it was my responsibility.
" Evan, we might as well go back to my apartment. You can spend the night, and we can drive over to your place in the morning."
" Are you sure? I mean, I could probably crash with someone else if you're not comfortable with this, Dana."
Perversely, I didn't want him to spend the night somewhere else, though I would have wanted him to before I'd suggested he stay with me. "No, that's okay," I said quickly. " As long as you don't mind the couch."
" No, that's fine. This is really great of you." He seemed happy, but I spent the rest of the ride wondering why I'd said that, or done any of this.
Lightening lit up the sky as we went up the walk. For seconds at a time it was as bright as day, and somehow my gaze kept landing on Evan. We got soaked as I fumbled with my keys, my wet fingers just refused to function. I saw Keegan fly under the couch as I got the door open at last. I guess she was afraid of Evan, because she'd never done that before.
Once we got inside, I tried to coax her out from under the couch. She finally did come out, but then just stood there barking at Evan. It was kind of funny, the growls wanted to be menacing, but coming from a five pound creature, they just weren't. I could tell by the look on his face that he was trying not to laugh at her. I picked her up to cuddle, but she remained rigid.
I sat on the couch, and Evan sprawled in the chair across from me like he owned it. I couldn't help but notice the way that his light brown hair fell into his eyes, but I restrained myself from brushing it back. I didn't want to give any wrong ideas. He just stared at me for a while, looking, looking. Eventually I guess he thought that he should make small talk, because he turned to me and said, " So, are you dating anyone?"
At first I bristled, how dare he of all people ask me something like that? But then I decided to tell the truth. What could it hurt? " No. haven't found anyone recently that seemed worth the effort."
" I could be worth the effort," he whispered. I gaped at him, wondering if I had imagined what he'd just said.
" Did you say something?" I asked, feigning ignorance.
" I was just wondering how we never got together. I've given it a lot of thought, and I came to the conclusion that we could be so right for each other, Dana. What do you think?"
My mind went completely blank. " I, I, don't ask me that. I don't know what to say."
He smiled so smugly at me that I was tempted to punch him. " Hey no pressure. Just think about it." Like I could do anything else.
I was too overwhelmed to attempt a rational conversation with him. I got a pillow and blanket out of the closet, and told him goodnight. He gave me a long appraising gaze and said he hoped I had sweet dreams. Keegan growled softly as I carried her into my room.
I locked the door. Not that I thought that he'd break into my room, it just made me feel more secure is all. Keegan burrowed in the covers as I got ready for bed. I barely noticed what I was doing, changing by rote, automatically. My head was reeling. I couldn't believe the emotional roller coaster that I'd been on within a few short hours. I'd gone from being vaguely frightened and angry at the guy in the early afternoon, to finding myself actually wondering if I should get involved with him. And worse yet, I even wanted to. I felt betrayed, by myself. How could I be so acquiescent, even if only in my mind? He'd hurt me so bad, twisting the metaphorical knife in me, yet here I was, ready to forgive him and give him a second chance. After declaring myself mentally ill, I fell into a troubled sleep. I kept dreaming of him, dreaming that horrible things would happen to him if I refused him, and that those things would be all my fault… I must have tossed and turned in bed, because I felt Keegan nip my toes a couple times when she thought my feet were going to attack her.
Evan was already awake and dressed when I stumbled out of my room this morning. Something that I'm grateful for, I might have tumbled over the edge if I'd been confronted with the sight of him in his boxers. He grinned at me, and I returned a tired smile. " You don't look like you slept well." He sounded genuinely concerned. "I hope the storm didn't keep you awake." Perhaps it had, the storm inside that is.
I wandered into the kitchen, still so dazed. " Hazelnut?" I asked, hoping that he figure out what I meant. It seemed such an effort to get words out.
" I can't believe that you remembered my favorite."
" I remember a lot of things." I said in a hopefully pointed tone.
He looked somber for the first time. " Could you ever forgive me? When you were gone I finally realized how much you meant to me. You were so damn important, but I just took you for granted. You are everything I've ever looked for, and I committed a huge act of stupidity by not realizing it while you still looked at me friendly. I've wanted to tell you this for a long time, but every time I saw you until today, you looked away. Please tell me I haven't blown it. Please." His eyes weren't arrogant now, but filled with pleading.
Maybe it was those eyes or the dreams, maybe it was my pride, but my good logic lost this one. I put my arms around him, just wanting to give him something, comfort. He'd given me back my ego, let me think of myself as a good judge of character again. Logic teamed up with my doubts and tried to make a final stand, but I ignored them all.
" Evan, I love you. I fell out of love with you, but I never stopped loving you. I don't think it can happen; once you love someone, they own a piece of your heart forever."
His face looked so hopeful as he listened to me. " Are you saying that you'll be my girlfriend?" He looked more scared and vulnerable that moment than I'd ever seen him.
I leaned over and kissed him, oh-so-softly. " What do you think?"
Keegan started her growling bit then, I'm not sure that girl's best friend approves of the choice I made. Maybe she's just jealous. Maybe she does know more than I do, and is afraid that I'm setting myself up for another fall. But then again, she's only a dog, what does she know about the risks one has to take in life?
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