"To Protect And Serve." These words appear on the doors and fenders of law enforcement vehicles across the nation. And protecting and serving is exactly what law enforcement officers are doing when they patrol a neighborhood, pull over a speeder, interview a witness or make an arrest.

[ No argument here, Kenny boy. BUT ... exactly WHO are you serving, and exactly WHAT are you protecting. BTW it's "To Serve And Protect" - get it right. ]

The most common conversation between a law enforcement officer and a member of the public is the result of a traffic violation. Let's pretend you're driving down the road, and in your rearview mirror, you see the flashing lights of a "cop."

[ Hmmm ... the Quotes Of Irony. Do you mean they're not really cops? So what are they? NOTE TO SELF: look up "cop" ]

Whether that "cop" is a state highway patrol [ sic ] trooper, a county sheriff, or a local police officer, he or she is pulling you over for the same reason - not to punish you, but to protect you and everyone else on the road.

[ AH! Is that why you write me a ticket - NOT to punish me? Is that why the State extorts money from me - NOT to punish me? Is that why my license gets taken away even though I've never been a danger to others - NOT to punish me? Is that why I have to pay a $300+ "re-instatement fee" to get it back - NOT to punish me? Well Kennaroo, if that ain't punishment, it'll do until the real thing comes along! ]

What do you do?

[ SHOOT THE BASTARD! ]

First of all, pull off to the side of the road - and relax. In most traffic violations, the worst thing that can happen is that you get a ticket. And compared with being injured or dying in a car wreck because you were driving too fast, a ticket really isn't such a big deal.

[ True. BUT, compared with driving unhindered at a speed which is comfortable to me and my passengers, being stopped by a thug like you is a VERY big deal, Kenbo. ]

[ And anyway, since when does speed correspond to danger? Five years ago, if I did 65mph on the highway you'd write me up - because it was "dangerous," according to you. But now it's legal, so you don't write me up. Did 65mph suddenly become "safe" since the law changed? It seems to me that the laws of physics are not subject to the laws of the State Of Ohio. So, NOW you're letting people drive dangerously? OR, back then you were ticketing them even though they were driving safely? Which is it, Kennazoid? ]

[ Say, I just thought of something - when you chase a speeder you have to accelerate to above the legal limit to catch them, right? Well, you're ENDANGERING YOURSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ROAD! For *YOUR* safety as well as ours, ker-nel, law enforcement vehicles should have speed limiters on them. You've got radios - call ahead to have your brother and sister officers stop that speeder. That would be the "safe" way to do it. ]

As the officer approaches your car, remember that he or she has no idea if you are someone simply running late to a meeting or a gun-wielding fugitive who just fled a murder scene.

[ WHOA THERE, Kenster - you seem to imply here that anyone who wields a gun is a murderer. What about us gun-wielding regular folks? Do you assume that anyone with a gun is a criminal and no decent person would wield one? It appears you do. ]

[ Besides, *I* have no idea if that "officer" really cares about my safety or just wants to violate my rights. ]

Here are a few steps you can take to put the officer at ease, and reduce the chance of an ugly confrontation:

• Sit patiently and wait for the officer to approach your vehicle
  [ And if I don't ...? ]

• Do not make any sudden moves
  [ Or ... what? ]

• Do not duck down or lean over to look for you registration or insurance papers
  [ Why not? Would the officer "get ugly" just because I am searching for the documents he's going to ask me for anyway? That seems like a threat to me, Kennabec - not "service" or "protection." ]

• Do not reach into your glovebox, console, pocket, or back seat. In fact, just leave both hands on the steering wheel.
  [ Again, you imply something terrible will happen to me for just pootling around in my own car. Sounds like you're really saying that "cops" are a bunch of jumpy, nervous, irresponsible, paranoid psychotics who will shoot me if I even move. Again, this does not sound like "service" or "protection" to me - but then, I am not a knowledgeable professional like yourself. ]

• Roll down your window so you and the officer can communicate
  [ Kendroid, you DOOFUS - I can't do that with my hands on the steering wheel! I'd have to lower at least one hand to the window control - and you've already made it clear that if I do that, the "cop" will shoot me. Now who's causing the ugly confrontation, ol' chum? ]

• If it is dark, turn on your interior lights
  [ Why? To give my "servant" and "protector" a better shot at me? ]

• Ask any passengers to sit calmly and quietly
  [ After they read this, that would seem unlikely. ]

[ ... from terrorizing people who just want to mind their own business to trumping up false charges and/or "evidence" against anyone they hate. ]

Therefore, law enforcement officers are pleasantly surprised when someone wants to just chat.

[ Actually, Kennarico, I would *love* to "just chat." It's you law enforcement officers who insist on threatening me, ticketing me, arresting me, imprisoning me, etc. HEY - the next time you see someone smoking a joint, arranging for commercial sex or just "speeding," why don't you stop by and just chat? I am sure the citizen in question would be pleasantly surprised. ]

In fact, why don't you give a pleasant surprise to a law enforcement officer today? If you run into a county sheriff's deputy on the street, say good morning. If you're at a diner, ask the state [ sic ] trooper if the roast beef special is any good. If you're waiting in line behind a local police officer at the bagel shop, comment on the weather.

[ I dunno, Kenalyzer - you've made me so AFRAID of the pigs - er, sorry, cops - with your little advert, any pleasantness I showed them would have to be faked. I'd be afraid they would pick up on my nervous performance, take offense at it and kill me. But thanks for the tips - I'll never go in a diner, a bagel shop or a neighborhood again for as long as I live! ]

Teach your children how to talk with "cops."

[ Actually, I have decided never to bring children into this tyrannical, terrorific, paper-controlled World that you've made, and your taxes are so high I couldn't afford it anyway. ]

Cut this article out and share it with your family and friends so they too can know how to talk with a law enforcement officer.

[ Done! ]

Above all, remember that we are out there on the highways, streets and sidewalks to protect and serve - we're on your side!

------- illegible scribble -------

Colonel Kenneth B. Marshall
Superintendent
Ohio State Highway Patrol