Dear Troops,

In this time of international moral crisis, the World needs leadership. American leadership. It is vital that Our Great Nation lead not just with words, but with Dees - sorry, deeds. This is why you have been chosen: because out of all 250-some-odd million Americans, you are deemed worthiest to do battle.

All of you are well-versed in the requirements of today's global problems. Your professions bring you into intimate contact with the realities faced by all the World's people. You are lawyers, politicians, journalists, corporate lobbyists, movie stars and assorted "activists" (hi Morris!) who are expert inmaters - sorry, in matters of colossal import. The World needs your strength, your courage and, yes, your innate superiority. And the World is going to get just that.

So many of you have expressed disappointment that we have been previously unwilling to send in ground troops. You have railed against this unfortunate limitation on our war-making - sorry, peace-keeping ability, insisting that if something has got to be done, it has got to be done right or not at all. You know that "not at all" is not an option. Well, you'll be proud to know that this monumental task IS going to be Done Right - and you will have the honor of doing it.

Shortly after this letter is read to you by your Division Officer, you will be transported to staging areas just outside the battle zone. There you will receive your extremely cool gear - parachute, rifle, hand grenades, even a radio! - and board your C-130 for your trip into destiny.

You will be deployed into the BZ by air, just like Army "Rangers" and Navy "SeALs" - you know, the good guys. Once on the ground, you will press the battle with all due righteousness, bringing the tyrant criminals to their knees.

Let me say, before I continue, that I am deeply gratified by your service. It makes me proud that so many members of my generation, the "baby boomers," will finally get the chance to slay evildoers in person. You may have wimped out on Vietnam, but by golly, you're gonna have the chance to KICK SOME FASCIST FANNY this time!

I envy you.

Many of you have expressed concern that you may not be up to the task. In fact, so many of you know me personally that I am swamped with your humble admissions of inadequacy. Tom Brokaw, Sam Donaldson, Jane Fonda, Ted Turner, Jesse Jackson, George Will, John McCain, Charleton Heston, George Voinovich, Maureen Dowd, Anthony Lewis - all of you have confessed your lack of experience. I am sorry I cannot reply to you in person, but the sensetive nature of your mission prevents that. Buck Pvt. (E0) Madeleine Albright could tell you that.

Aw shucks, how could I forget (temporarily re-assigned) USA Today publisher Allen Neuharth? Hi Al! While I'm saying hi to an "Al" (not the Spotted Al, fortunately!) let me also greet your fellow conscriptee, Al Gore. Two Als. You guys should share a foxhole together, you'll love it (I'm somewhat of an expert on foxholes, hehehe!).

Anyway, I've heard your fears, and I know them well. You are not the only ones who have ever felt impo - sorry, inadequate. I feel your pain.

Your primary reservations have been that:

• you don't know how to use a gun and
• you don't know how to hide from the enemy

Let me reassure you that you are not inadequate. Not in any way. You may not think yourselves up to the task of fighting a war, you may not think yourselves capable of fighting on the front lines, you may not have confidence in your ability to survive such a harrowing ordeal; indeed, I have read your desperate, pleading, impassioned protest letters with chagrin. Rest assured, however, that you will do fine. You see, you really don't need any training to fight a war at all.

The truth is - and many studies costing billions of dollars have confirmed this - everything you need to do in war comes pretty much automatically. Or so I have been told.

Take firing a rifle, for example. Thanks to years of Government studies, your rifle has been designed for easy operation. The stock goes in the back, on your shoulder. The muzzle, which is where the bullet comes out, goes toward the target. As these are on opposite ends of the rifle, getting them in the right position is a no-brainer. Once you have the rifle in this position, simply pull the trigger and a bullet will come out. It's that simple!

Hiding from the enemy? Pshaw! It is the simplest thing in the World! My generals tell me that, once the enemy starts shooting, you will naturally want to run and hide. In fact, even when the enemy is not firing, you will want to hide from them. This comes without thinking, just like firing your rifle. This is a natural, normal human reaction and should be relished.

Like I said, I envy you. You're going to have such fun!

Like Hillary and myself, you folks are all against the uncaring literal-mindedness of Western Civilization. All that white male power tripping is really anti-nature, isn't it? Aren't the free flowing, tribal, intuitive ways of primitive peoples really best? Well, sure. That's why I know you are A) going to be good at this stuff and B) going to like it. Because you're already in the loop, so to speak.

In fact, this little war thingy of ours might be a piece of cake for you. The enemy is known to use Western-style logic and planning, and that limits them. You, with your vastly superior oneness with nature, will probably find it easy to outfox them (hehehe - outfox, get it?). Besides which, you can enlist the humble forest creatures in your efforts. Talk to them; tell them about the evil you are fighting. I am sure they will want to help. After all, animals are our friends.

Oh, almost forgot - the most important thing of all! You will be pleased to know that nobody will be issued a handgun in this operation. I intervened personally on your behalf to prevent it. I know that you are all against handgun violence, though not the legally licensed possession of handguns of course, so that little fact should make you happy. By not giving you handguns, we automatically ensure no one will be killed by them - or at least not by you. The enemy may have them, but rest assured that this is illegal and will be dealt with sternly.

(Some of you who have been licensed in your state to carry a handgun will wonder why you are not allowed to bring your own. Unfortunately, the BZ is under UN jurisdiction, and the license issued by your state is invalid there. As enforcers of justice, naturally you must comply with the law.)

So, my valiant crusaders, the battle is on! Fight with gladness in your hearts, for your thirst for blood will soon be sated. There will be plenty of blood, or so they say. As you know I've never checked it out personally. Just remember how furious you are with those terrible bad guys and let them have it. Follow your heart! Get in touch with the spirit! If it feels good, do it!

In other words, act naturally.

Sincerely,

--(illegible scribble)--

President Of The United States