I'm Not Daria After All

My Soap-Operatic Life

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Least likely comment I'll ever make:

"I'm the greatest human being to ever walk the face of the earth. Whether or not people accept that is their business." -Ryan Barnes

"I still think you are a brave person and a dedicated one." -D.R. Wagner (my design teacher, about my homework)

"Women I know with wonderful biting sarcastic wit become these rose colored Stepford wives when they have children. Maybe it's hormonal. Maybe to bring a child up in this wicked world you basically have to deny the random insane danger of life on planet Earth." -Susan Rankin

Oh, and one more comment off the UCD newsgroup- while I was once again sympathizing with that guy's bitching, another little jerkoff says . . .

"oh you want him, don't you? You'd like to be together width him over a dinner table, griping about how crappy your days went. You people make me sick. Why don't you have netsex and get it over with?" -Luis Molina

Checked the mail today and you'll never guess what I got: Anyone remember back when the magazine man schmoozed me? How the magazines didn't ever come? Well, TODAY Mirabella finally did! To my old address, then sent over here. The recent issue too. Can you believe this? I sure can't. If those magazine jerks schmooze me next spring again I am gonna spill this story and use it as a reason to NOT buy their stuff!

Just for the hell of it, I looked up noelcrane.com . . . and it DOES EXIST! Go figure! I am just cracking up now! Hey, and he's a design guy!

Links for the day are below (after you get through the end of this, anyway).

Okay, now I finally finished altering my ICQ log for y'all to read, so here you go.

Notes on the log: They put it up in reverse (most recent stuff at top), and I was going to reverse it, but well, there's too damned much typing to do that. So just scroll to the bottom of this page and read upwards to get the gist of it, okay?

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J: Yeah, well . . . it does suck when there's a somewhat large group/type of person that hates you, even if they're people you're not totally thrilled with. Yeah, there are people that do think highly of me.

Damn, it's one a.m. now, i'd really better go to bed (gotta get up early and draw, ugh!).

V: again with the slap, there are many people who think highly of you, there has to be.

You need to remember to take into account who it is telling you badthings about yourself.

J: Thanks- one down, many more to go . . .

V: Well if it any consolation, I don't happen to think you are shit by any stretch of the imagination. Not even close.

J: Well, I'm not as bad as I used to be (hard to believe that, huh?), I usually start feeling bad either when I blow it at something really badly, OR when somebody else TELLS ME I'm a shit. I've heard that from many people my age, for so many years, it's pretty ingrained.

I do do those kinds of things when I'm depressed, that does help.

V: Okay first of all stop putting yourslf down...you will NEVER have any self esteem if you are always convincing yourself that you are a shit.

THen what you need to do, is just surround yourself with these things when yuare ll depressed.....having a bad day? turn on the computer....go window shopping, draw something for yourslf...not for class.

J: Uh . . . yeah, some things.
Messing with the computer and other things involving a screen, sometimes doing my arty stuff (if it doesn't suck), goofing off, shopping (all this vapid stuff, basically), and well, the biggest high ofall, guys.

V: Isn't there anything, that just makes you happy?

J: Whatever happens or whatever I do will depress me!
I never try to change myself, so basically there is no point.

V: Well it's good you know this about yourself.......life would be even worse if you didn't because then you would go throuhg the motions of changing but get no where...and that would really depress you.

J: Answer: Nothing.
I won't try to change.
I am a huge wimp who doesn't want to work at changing her personality.

V: So then, the question is, what are ou going to do?

Are you happy with the staus quo....well we oth know th answer to that.

But will you try to change it? THAT is the question.

And of cuere it is easy for you to say yes...and een easier for me to say you should. Actually doing it, is incredibly hard, and would take a hellof a lot of courage and strength.

J: Exactly

V: This is why you hav a probl standing up for yourself....you are afraid.

You have never felt in control, so the dea of beng in control kinda scares you. after all who are you to try and take control? even if you wanted to, where do you start?

J: On the nose

V: the last....am I close?

V: YEah it started with your parents..they are over protective and controlling..so it was kinda bred into you...after that you were sort of a pushover with your friends, and people you know....aybe even taken advantage of quite a few times.....Boyfriends: no difference, you spent most of your time trying to do what you thought they wanted. ecery year yu feel lik things that affect you are out of your control, and each year is a little worse than th

J: Ugh . . . i'm very used to BEING controlled. I won't get into that.

V: This is something you need to change.

J: I never do.

V: only whe yu want them to.

See (and correct me if I am wrong) I think your biggest issue is that you don't feel in control.

J: problem is, masks come off . . . oh hell, I don't know.

V: Baby steps, first think of what it is she would do...the do the closest thing that you can to it.

Of course it doesn't have to be her...just pick a charecter..and ask yourself what is it the woul do...remember you ar ewearing a mask...ust not one that people can see.

J: I don't know what to say. I can't say I'll tell them off.

V: This is what I'm talking about.

J: Too bad I do give a shit.

V: Not really....if you just take it they will continually do this shit. Maybe if you showed them that you really couldn't give a shit, they will at the very least, cool it a ittle.

J: Yeah, but I have to live with them all year, which is why I don't say anything rude and offensive and make it worse. V: Yeah but only some...to be Daria you would have to be so secure that you wouldn't care what ANYONE thinks.
Actuall Daria is a good example.

Maybe you should try, for a day, just handling a lot of situations the way you figure she would. Next time the bimbos are pissing you off, ask yourself what you think she would do, and do that...no matter what. THAT would be your mask.

J: Can't really deny the last part, but contemptuous kinda fits. And I don't care about what SOME people think.

V:No you don't, at least not Daria (don't know the other)...I'll admit I only have limited knowledge of Daria. But Frm what I hav seen, she is VERY strong...she doesn't care what others think (for the most part she is contemptuous of people) only her opinion of herself matters. SHe KNOWS she is something grat, and that is all that matters.....no offense, but this is not you.

J: Identify wiht, sure. Have their traits, well, no . . . I don't think acting lilke Meg Murry or Daria is going to work, I already do that.

V: Sort of.....in cetain situations...especailly ones I don't think I am handling them very well, I try to pull mysef out of the situation, and say how would _________ handle this? Te persona changes in a given situation.

IS there one charecter who, you REALLY indentify with? One that you wished you had some of their traits?

J: many, many, too many to count.
Somehow I don't see myself as being able to be Scarlett O-Hara for a day though.
You ever tried being somebody else for the day?
V: Any book or eries of books that you especially like? a favorite?

J: I just thought of the same thing at the same time.
yeah, I do read a lot, but don't really act like characters much.

V: Don't get a head of me. OD you read alot? if not a television show will do, but books are better.

J: yeah, but I can never pull off acting like somebody else in daily life. Seems kidna hard and weird to me, like if I meet someone while I'm being Ms. Attitude one day and then meet them again when I'm being my normal mousy self . . . confusing to do that, like I have MPD.

V: LOL

Not a physical mask, silly.

Pretend to be some one different....do you read a lot?

J: Need an excuse to (i.e. party). Can;t just show up to school in a mask.

and I can't act any differently in personality.
V: Wy not do that then? Put on a mask and act in a different manner?

J: Someday I want to go to Mardi Gras. Or throw one in California or a masked ball or something.

J: Nobody recognized me, it was fun to go NOT blonde and goth-ish, new identity. I didn't act any different really, but it was exciting. I was around people I didn't know very well or had just met, so no expectations. It was cool!

V: Okay go wiht that..why was it great?

V: So why not step out for a while?

J: any suggestions as to how to step out of my life other than Halloween)?
Did that yesterday in my lovely costume, it was great.

J: Yeah, I do want to step out of my life for awhile! I get tired of it! I thought of a better way to explain it. LIke normally I'm good at drawing, but the class I'm in now, well, I start to doubt that (which is what sucks about the creative arts, sometimes you suck so bad you wonder if you ever had talent!). Right now I haaaaate drawing.

V: No it makes sense.....you need to step out of your life for a awhile.

But even so you shouldn't focus on what you don't have...down that path lies madess.

J: well, sometimes I get sick of what I do have. I know that makes nosense.

V: You did it again.

stop concentrating on what you daon't have...you spend too much time on that. ou need to concentrate on what you do have.

J: Yeah, I do, but sometimes I change my mind on what that stuff exactly is.

There are a lot of things I wish i was, that I'd rather be, but well, could never do them. The big one is that I wish I was good at math so I could be a science major. Art-fart stuff drives a person crazy, you never have any money, all the science people I know are so much happier than the art people. Who, according to my psych book, go crazy much easier. Don't need that.

V: When I said that you said, you didn't think so.

We all have things we would like to change...some more than others.....but do honestly believe threre is nothing wothwhile about yourself?

J: As every teacher ever said, I have low self-esteem.

I have a lot of facets of my personality I am not thrilled with (being shallow, etc.).

V: You know I dn't think I have ever heard you say anything nice about yourself....you are either neutral or back handing yourself.

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Links to other sites on the Web

Salon article about not having sex in college (see, this is why I don't tell one way or the other- leads to trouble)
Commenting on not being the most brillyunt writer
Yesterday's entry- a marriage debate I found interesting

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Damn, I can't believe a TV character has his own webpage! E-mail below.

© 1997 jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu

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