Annoy Your Roomate, Part 3

  1. Communicate using only your eyebrows and tongue.
  2. Ask your roommate to pose for a portrait. Leave.
  3. Sacrifice vegetables in the middle of the room.
  4. Worship the Professor and Mary Ann.
  5. Hang your roommate in effigy.
  6. Never allow your roommate's head to be below yours.
  7. Pretend your arms and legs have been amputated. Insist that you "cannot wipe."
  8. Speak at length about your lust for Pippi Longstocking as your roommate tries to fall asleep.
  9. Sit in the room all weekend rubbing a baseball bat. When your roommate enters the room, close your eyes and rub as fast as you can.
  10. Complain vehemently that pedophilia legislation is "too restrictive."
  11. Find out your roommate's mother's name. Tatoo it on your inner thigh, then claim, "She made me do it!"
  12. When your roommate has been awake for several minutes, run up to him/her screaming "Rashes! Rashes!" as loud as you can. Repeat during classes.
  13. Light your hair on fire. Refuse to put it out.
  14. Keep a harem of thirty Cabbage Patch Kids. Ask if your roommate "has any desires."
  15. While your roommate sleeps, insert straws into his/her nose. If s/he removes them, administer CPR.
  16. Repeat everything your roommate says, but without the consonants.
  17. When your roommate enters the room, chain yourself to the bed and make beckoning gestures. Look demure.
  18. Go through his/her books hilighting all instances of the words "death" and "children." Insist that he study them.
  19. Go through medical supply catalogs circling all electric drill and suction devices. Leave them (the catalogs, not the devices) lying around.
  20. Administer last rites as s/he sleeps.
  21. Quote Bob Barker at length.
  22. Wear decoder rings. Insist that s/he kiss them.
  23. Wear a hard hat at all times. Remove it when your roommate enters the room and dive under the bed.
  24. Pretend to administer electro-schock therapy as s/he studies.
  25. Whenever s/he has friends over, complain loudly about his/her hygiene. Be graphic.
  26. Paint targets on the back of all his/her shirts. Buy a crossbow.
  27. When you write, use the wrong end of the pen. Ask him/her why it doesn't work. When s/he explains it to you, nod thoughtfully and say, "OK, I've got it." Turn the paper over, and try again.
  28. Remove the shelves from the refrigerator. Sit inside, moaning periodically.
  29. Leave urgent telephone messages for him/her when no one has called.
  30. Give unsolicited sensual massages at least once daily.
  31. Go for joy-rides in the washing machine.
  32. Pack your roommate's clothing in ice overnight. Put it back in the dresser before s/he wakes up.
  33. Carry a crowbar with you at all times. Dress it.
  34. Do all your homework in the bathroom, using the toilet as a desk.
  35. Carry an electric fan at all times. Speak into it.
  36. Follow your roommate around all day whispering, "I can reach where you can't."
  37. Write on your arms and legs with coarse sandpaper.
  38. Nail meat to the walls. Bacon is best.
  39. Collect cow tongues. Paint them. Nail them up next to the bacon.
  40. Try to eat your own ear.
  41. Lie spread-eagled on your roommate's bed. Make him/her move you.
  42. Chase your roommate with a bloody toothbrush. Tell him/her "It only hurts for a little while."
  43. Lick his/her feet as he sleeps. If s/he wakes up, apologize. After s/he falls asleep, start licking his/her face.
  44. Call him/her Mommy.
  45. Invite your roommate's parents to a "surprise" party for your roommate. When they get there, stone them.
  46. Buy a gerbil. Go into your room and close the door. Hide the gerbil in the closet, and then giggle and squirm uncontrollably for the rest of the day.
  47. Put tapes/CDs in the stereo and listen to them with the volume off. Replace them regularly. Tell your roommate to be quiet so you can hear.
  48. Stand behind him/her while he brushes his teeth. When s/he takes the brush out of his/her mouth, force it back in.
  49. Announce everything you do as a group activity. (i.e. "We're going to bed now.") If your roommate fails to do whatever you said, accuse him/her of not being a "team player."
  50. Every hour on the hour, call to get the time. Reset each of your clocks to the second. Remark that your roommate has no respect for the virtue of being prompt.
  51. Plug your telephone handset into your modem's in jack. Make the modem noises into the handset. ("Wheeeheeeeooooaiyeee...") Complain about how your stupid computer never works.
  52. Develop partial amnesia each time you go to sleep. When you wake up, claim to have forgotten anything regarding your roommate. Spend hours finding out everything about him/her, and just before you go to bed, say you think you and s/he will be great friends. When you wake up, claim to have forgotten anything regarding your roommate...
  53. When your roommate leaves the room, raid his/her sock drawer. Switch one of each pair of your roommate's socks with one of your own.
  54. Buy a bunch of T-shirts with flamboyant designs. Wear them inside out. Look in the mirror often and say, "This looked so much better in the store..."
  55. Watch TV continually. Change channels so that you only see the commercials. Memorize the commercials verbatim and chant them after lights out.
  56. Spell out the last word of each sentence you say to your roommate.
  57. Learn Morse code. Adopt it as your sole method of communication.
  58. Announce on the answering machine that your roommate has moved out. Tell anyone who calls for him/her not to call here anymore.
  59. When your roommate is out of the room, move his/her possessions over to your side of the room. When s/he returns, throw the things back over to your roommate's side, angrily telling him/her, "Stop invading my space."
  60. Redivide the room horizontally. Claim you want the bottom half.
  61. Eat lots of alphabet soup. Throw out any of the letters that are in your roommate's name; claim you want nothing to do with them.
  62. Count down the days till the next full moon. Whenever you cross out another day, get a wild look in your eyes and mutter, "Soon...so very soon..."
  63. Read your textbooks aloud. Ask your roommate for help on big words.
  64. Compose an obituary for your roommate. Keep it posted in a conspicuous place and update it frequently. Report the date of death as one week before the end of the semester.
  65. Give your roommate a jar of peanuts. Wait until s/he has eaten half of them, then explain they used to be chocolate-covered, but you licked all the chocolate off of them. As an aside, mention that you are coming down with the flu.
  66. Explain that you need to sell your bed to make ends meet. Ask if you can sleep in your roommate's bed. If s/he refuses, ask if you can sell his/her bed instead.
  67. Two words: pet liverwurst.
  68. Move all of your possessions to your roommate's side of the room, and all of his/her possessions to your side. Move everything back the next day. Do this each day for a week.
  69. If your roommate has cans of Chef Boyardee, buy dog food in similar-size cans. Switch the labels.
  70. Hold a raffle with your roommate as the prize.
  71. Five minutes after you go to bed, claim that you think the Boogeyman is hiding in your closet. Make your roommate check the closet. Five minutes later, claim he is hiding under your bed. Make your roommate check. Repeat as desired.
  72. Dress as similarly as possible like your roommate. Walk closely next to him/her the whole day, remarking "Don't we look like twins?" to any passersby.
  73. Do impressions all the time. Good ones to try: Mr. T, Gilbert Gottfried, Judy Tenuta, Roseanne Barr.
  74. Become a secret agent for a week. Eat every piece of paper after reading it. Speak into your lapel. Accuse your roommate of stealing the secret plans to the world's greatest battlestation. Carry a gun.
  75. Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime.
  76. Make "Garanimals" tags for all of your clothing.
  77. Replace your roommate's food with a dozen identical boxes of "All Bran." Explain that you didn't think s/he was getting enough fiber.
  78. Each day announce that you are changing your major. Get increasingly creative (Nuclear Egyptology, Environmental Macrobiotic Accounting, Mid-Fifteenth Century Bolivian Dermoplasty, etc.) as time goes on.
  79. Create a computer database listing EVERYTHING in your dorm room. Each time your roommate uses a piece of paper, takes a coke out of the refrigerator, or eats a candybar, grumble loudly and go through an elaborate process of deleting that record. Mutter, "See what s/he puts me through!"
  80. Buy your roommate's birthday present by spending the penny to sign him/her up for a record club. When s/he expresses annoyance, say "But I GAVE you 12 CDs."
  81. Buy two Chia pets. In a few days, buy 6 more. A couple of days later, buy another dozen. Explain that they're breeding. Ask your roommate to chip in for six dozen Chia vasectomies.
  82. Masterbate constantly into jars. Eat nothing but mayonnaise sandwiches.
  83. Repeat thoughtfully the last word of everything your roommate says (e.g. Your roommate: "How are you doing today?" You: "Today.... Today......")
  84. Continuously refer to your roommate using terms of endearment (sweetcheeks, honeybuns, bubblebutt). Slap him/her in the face if s/he ever does the same.
  85. Kill several people. Store the corpses underneath your roommate's bed. Call the police.
  86. Become Forrest Gump.
  87. Incessantly rant about the government's attempts to control our minds by poisoning us with Dihydrous Monoxide. If your roommate tries to explain that Dihydrous Monoxide = H2O = Water, exclaim "HA!! THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK!!!!"
  88. Intensely study the complete list of ways to annoy your roommate. Form a discussion group with your roommate. Give tests.
  89. Start a food drive around campus to feed your roommate. Comment often on how fat s/he's getting.
  90. Read nothing but "Human Calculator" books. Consistently make mistakes on simple math (e.g. "2 + 2 = ..3? No, 5! No.......")
  91. Every morning, send out control messages to add a new newsgroup called alt.kill.'. Apologize often to your roommate. Say it was a typo.

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