Interviewer: I'm currently joined by Nicholas "Schwa" Ball and Tom "Use the Force" Murtagh, writers, directors and producers of the new film "Rain". Gentlemen, thankyou for your time.

Nick: Thankyou.

Tom: (poor Lancashire accent) My pleasure. Can I have a short black? I hate lattes.

N: Eughhh.

I: (slight pause) Gentlemen - for the listening audience who may not know about "Rain", can you briefly describe what it's about?

T: Just briefly, it's about an unstable form of rain that basically just EXPLODES when it hits anything. The film explores the psyche and emotional reactions of people who are under that form of stress. It's soo-oo-ort of like "Independence Day", except that instead of giant spaceships, there are giant cumulo-nimbus clouds.

N: But it goes much deeper than "Independence Day" did. Instead of focussing on the explosions, it focusses on the relations between people.

I: You describe this film as the film that you "had to make". Why?

N: Well, it's really the exciting combination of disaster movie, and Tarantino. Our main aim in creating the film was to cover new ground. Nobody else has really tried this sort of thing - so we are. I mean, Tom's seen "Reservoir Dogs" five times, and I learned the entire script to "Pulp Fiction" - and between us we've seen every single one of Tarantino's films, even the really early ones that everyone says are absolute crap; so we wanted to use that as a sort of springboard.

T: And just about every form of one-word disaster has already been done in 35mm format - "Volcano", "Turbulence", "Anaconda", "Twister", uh ...

N: ... "Shine" ...

T: ... yeah. In fact, we tried to get Geoffrey Rush for a walk-on appearance, but apparently he's doing the new Stanley Kubric film.

I: I see. Now, for a couple of first-time film-makers, you claim quite a number of big name stars in your line-up - Jeff Goldblum, Keanu Reeves, Robert Downey Jnr. ... how did you manage that?

T: Yes, we were very fortunate there. After all, these are very big names in Hollywood ...

N: ... huge!

T: ... and we must have just called their agents on the right day. I mean, after Jeff's superb performance in "Independence Day", I would have thought he'd be booked solid. Apparently we were just lucky that he had a spare twenty or thirty months up his sleeve. And working for scale, too. We're very lucky there - we couldn't actually afford to pay any of the actors, but they seemed to be happy enough just to work for the food. I suppose it keeps them out of the alleys and trash cans! (they all laugh)

I: And what's it like working with Denzel Washington?

T: Ah ...

N: Denzel had to pull out at the last minute due to urgent commitments elsewhere, so we had to replace him.

I: Who with?

T: Well, in fact we managed to snare Emmanuel Lewis - that little black kid who used to be "Webster". Except he's not a kid anymore.

N: Just black and little.

I: And I understand that both of *you* appear in the film as well ...

N: That's right. It's a sort of semi-non-sequitur scene where we briefly philosophize about the brevity of human existence in a cafe. Very Tarantino-esque.

I: Yes ... you do seem to owe a lot to Tarantino.

N: That *was* one of our objectives. An homage, if you will. I think the best example of that is the whole jewellery heist sequence ...

T: Actually, Nick, we had to cut that out.

N: WHAT? How about the scene with the gimp?

T: That too. (explanatory, to interviewer) See, we are trying to attract investors in the venture, and we were finding it a bit difficult with some of the racier scenes. There was a great bit where one of the scientists working on the rain - not to give too much away - one of the scientists gets captured by gangsters and has his head crushed in a giant vice. Unfortunately, that particular scene offended quite a few potential production companies, so we had to scrap it.

N: I think that's how we lost Disney.

T: And Nickelodeon.

N: *Ohhhhhh* yeah.

I: Riiiighhht. Now, you said that you wanted "Rain" to be a "family film". How do you think the R-rating will affect this?

N: Now for one thing, that's not an actual rating. The film hasn't been classified yet, because it hasn't been filmed yet. The R-rating is just a suggested rating ...

T: See, what we did was put the script up on our website - visit it everyone! - and invite comments, criticisms, modifications ... and most of the visitors commented that if we did ever get off our arses and make the movie, there was no way that anyone would watch it because it was too juvenile for anyone over 18, and too violent for anyone *under* 18. If the R-rating becomes a reality, it'll still be a family film - just for older families.

N: Alternatively, we can go after a different audience; probably the A or B demographic.

T: Mostly trendy loners who sit about drinking coffee and making films.

I: So you haven't filmed the movie - yet. Will you ever?

N: We do have plans to film it, but not until after we've finished publicizing it and choosing the soundtrack. See, not many people know it, but we actually have our own 'alternative' band - "Surreal". There's a good five or six Surreal tracks on the soundtrack.

T: Plus this really grungy single from Keanu Reeves' band "Dogstar" - here, I've got a tape ...

(presses a button and a crappy guitar sound comes out)

T: ... and the rest of the songs are cheesy 70's standards to give that retro ambience.

N: So once we've finished re-recording those, we'll get on with the job of filming.

I: Okay! So that's "Rain", a new Tarantino-meets-disaster movie starring Jeff Goldblum and Keanu Reeves, coming to a cinema near you at sometime in the future; and I've been talking to the two writers/producers/directors Tom Murtagh and Nick Ball. Thankyou, gentlemen - I can't wait for the film to come out.

T: It's been a pleasure.

N: Thankyou.