I do NOT own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show "That 70's Show". They were created by
Bonnie Turner,
Terry Turner, and
Mark Brazill and belong to them, Casey-Werner and the FOX televison network.
This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and direct transcript of the episode "Sunday, Bloody Sunday". It also includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera movements where I felt they were needed.
I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please let me know and I will post an update.
©1999 Kandigurl
(The gang is playing Horse in Eric's driveway. Kelso takes a shot and misses. Song: "Play That Funky Music" - Wild Cherry)
Kelso: Damn!
Hyde: Oh! Kelso misses another one. I believe that's uh, H - O - R.
Fez: Ah, you are a whore.
Kelso: No, the game is "Horse".
Fez: Oh… (He starts to walk away)
Jackie: Ok, you know what, Michael? I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna do my homework.
Eric: You do your homework on a Saturday night?
Jackie: Yeah!
Eric: Look, I mean, look at me. I've got a thousand word term paper due Monday. But you don't see me sweating! I've got a whole crappy Sunday to do it.
Kelso: Jackie, don't go home, I mean, Steve Martin's hosting Saturday Night.
Jackie: I hate that show. Ok, they have these commercials that you think are real, but they're not real. And then, you wanna buy the stuff! Ok, see you Michael!
(She walks off)
Everyone: Bye! Bye-bye!
Jackie: Shut up!
Hyde: Kelso, Jackie does her homework on Saturday night. That's so hip.
Kelso: You guys don't have to worry about Jackie anymore 'cause I'm breaking up with her.
Donna: Aww.
Eric: We are so tired of hearing you say that.
Kelso: No! I-I am! I'm breaking up with her!
Hyde: Yeah? When?
Kelso: I'm picking my moment.
Eric: Hey, where's Fez?
(Fez is behind Eric's fence. He takes a shot at the basket and it goes straight in.)
Fez: Make that shot, whore!
(Theme song plays)
(Red, Kitty, and Eric are in the Forman's kitchen. Red is pouring coffee. Eric is eating at the table. Kitty is singing to the radio.)
Kitty: (Singing) Our father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name! (She "bumps" Red as she walks past him with orange juice, then pours some for Eric.) Well now, aren't the waffles extra delicious this wonderful morning?
Eric: Did you quit smoking again?
Kitty: And why do you ask, little one?
Eric: Well, you're kinda talking like Snow White, so I figured…
Red: Eric!
Eric: Which is great! Um…I really want you to quit.
Kitty: Well, I should have quit a long time ago. I'm a nurse, I know better. More sausage?
(The phone rings)
Red: I'll get it! (He picks up the phone) Hello?…Oh! Oh, that's, that's too bad…Well sure! We'd be glad to…Yeah. See you soon!…Bye.
Kitty: Who was that, dear?
Red: Uh, my mother. Seems like, uh, Uncle Paul broke his ankle, and uh, she's going to church with us today.
Kitty: No she's not. It's Paul's turn to take her.
Red: Well, like I said, he broke his ankle.
Kitty: Broken ankle, whatever, it's his turn.
Red: Kitty, the man is injured.
Kitty: Ok. That is just great. (She gets up and goes to the refrigerator.) Heh heh heh, I will just take a chicken out of the freezer! (She opens the freezer and takes out a chicken) Because, Queen Bernece, doesn't like ham! (She goes to the oven and pulls out a ham.)
Red: Ok. Ok, look. I'll just call her and tell her that we can't make it.
Kitty: Oh, Red, Red, Red, Red, Red. You know who'll get blamed for that!
Red: Well, why should she blame you? She's my mother!
Kitty: Something she never lets me forget!
Eric: Look, uh, you could tell her I'm sick or something.
Kitty: Eric, go upstairs and put on that shirt your grandmother gave you.
(Eric gets up to go put on the shirt.)
Red: Eric, just stay there. Your mother is just being ridiculous.
Kitty: You know what's ridiculous is giving your mother our phone number!
Red: What's being ridiculous is…
Eric: Hold it! Hold it! Ho…hold it. Now, look. Let's just stay calm. Mom, if it'll help you out, I'll hang out with grandma. So she'll leave you alone. What do you say?
Red: Well, first of all Eric, I'm the one who says hold it. When you pay the bills, you get to say hold it. Now get in the car. 'Cause we're going to church, and we're gonna have a damn nice Sunday.
(He walks out the door)
Kitty: Well, you're damn right. Just try and stop me!
(She walks out the door.)
Eric: Damn.
(He walks out the door.)
(Red and Kitty are sitting in the Toyota.)
Kitty: (Through clenched teeth.) Here she comes! Oh, god, Red I don't think I can do this!
Red: Kitty, do us all a favor, and light up.
Kitty: I'm fine!
(Eric walks Bernece to the car. He opens the door for her.)
Eric: Careful, grandma.
(He shuts the car door.)
Bernece: Ahhh! Ahhh! (Eric opens the door) Just my dress.
(Eric shuts the car door very carefully.)
Kitty: Well, it's nice to see you, Bernece.
Bernece: I hate this car. You know, I just hate this car. (Eric and Red exchange a look as Eric gets into the backseat.) Your brother Jerry has a beautiful car. A Lincoln. But then he makes more money, a lot more money that you.
Red: (Gets in the car.) Alrighty then.
Bernece: So Kitty, Eric tells me that you quit smoking.
Kitty: Yes, yes I did quit, and I just, I feel great.
(Bernece lights a cigarette.)
Bernece: Well, good for you, dear.
(She turns around and blows smoke in Kitty's face.)
(The Forman's are at church.)
Pastor: In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, amen. Please stand for a moment of silent meditation.
Kitty: (Thoughts) Dear God. Thank you so much for helping me quit such a filthy, disgusting, soothing delicious habit, oh god I can't do this, no no! I'm fine! Amen.
Bernece: (Thoughts) Dear God, what's with all the polloks?
Eric: (Thoughts) Dear God, I don't mean to bother you on your day off, but, I promised to help out with grandma, and I have a term paper due tomorrow, so if you could either, get her to leave early today, or burn down the school tomorrow…I mean, either or! God's choice. It'd really help me out, man. God. Lord. Uh, amen.
Red: (Thoughts) Dear Lord, would it kill you to give the Packers a winning season? Amen. Oh, and uh, watch over my loving family, blah blah blah.
(Eric's basement. Hyde is sitting in his chair, Kelso and Donna are on the couch, Jackie is on the back of the couch, Fez is on a tricycle scooting back and forth.)
TV: Welcome to worship for shut ins.
Kelso: Change it.
(Fez changes the channel.)
TV: (Bowling noises)
Hyde: Alright, change that!
(Fez changes the channel.)
Donna: How did we change channels before Fez?
Kelso: I don't think we did.
(Eric comes down the stairs.)
Eric: Oh, you guys! I gotta work on my term paper.
Donna: Where's grandma? (She makes claws with her hands.)
Eric: Oh, she's in the bathroom, so I've got, like, twenty minutes, half hour tops.
Donna: What's the assignment?
Eric: Alright. (He opens his binder and reads) In a thousand words, describe the three branches of the United States government, and their functions. I'll never make it.
Donna: Well, go up and tell them you have homework to do.
Eric: No, I-I wanna keep peace in the family.
Hyde: Yeah, Donna. Forman wants the Hallmark card family.
Eric: The what?
Hyde: You know grandma comes over…
(Red, Kitty, and Bernece are in a "Just For You" card. Hyde is speaking for all of them.)
Kitty: To my mother in law this beautiful Sunday. Your smiling face, your kind embrace, have made my home a happy place!
Bernece: And I'm so happy you're the one, to whom I gave my loving son.
Red: And I'm so happy, you're both happy, 'cause otherwise, life would be crappy.
(Cut back to the basement.)
Eric: I don't want that.
Hyde: Yeah, you do. I can see it in those wide, hopeful eyes. But the reality is this.
(A new card, Hyde is speaking for Red, Kitty, and Bernece again.)
Bernece: To my daughter in law. You took my son.
Kitty: You wrecked my life.
Bernece: You stole my youth.
Red: You hate my wife.
Kitty: I do my best.
Bernece: Well that's a joke.
Red: I'm going out.
Kitty: I need a smoke.
(Cut back to the basement. Red comes downstairs.)
Red: Damn it Eric, quit hiding from your grandmother. She's old, she could die, now move it!
Eric: I thought she was in the bathroom!
Red: False alarm. (He goes back upstairs.)
Donna: Look. Go take care of your grandmother, we can do this. (She takes his binder.)
Eric: Thanks.
(He goes upstairs.)
Kelso: Alright, how many words does he have?
Donna: His name, the date, the class. Seven.
Hyde: He's screwed.
Donna: Yeah.
Kelso: Use his middle name.
Jackie: See, now this would never happen to me. That is why I do my homework on Saturday.
Hyde: This is a moment, Kelso. Pick it!
Jackie: I think you all could learn something from me right now.
Hyde: Moment number two.
Kelso: Alright. Jackie, we need to talk. (He gets up and stands in front of her.)
Hyde: (Makes Hawaiian music noises) Neer neer neer, neer neer neer neer!
Jackie: You know what? I did this same paper last year in history. I think I got an A. You want me to go home and get it?
(Donna stands up)
Donna: Lemme think. Yeah!
Kelso: Hold on, Donna. Jackie, we need to talk about this whole sit-ghah!!
(Donna twists his arm.)
Donna: Jackie, why don't you go ahead.
Jackie: Ok. (She leaves.)
Donna: Do not break up with her yet. You understand me? (She grabs his face) Say you understand me!
Kelso: All this time I thought you didn't like Jackie! Ahhh! (Donna pulls him down by his ears.)
Donna: Just don't break up with her yet.
Kelso: Ok, ok.
Donna: Alright. (She lets him go.)
(He leaves behind Jackie.)
Hyde: Hey, what do we need Jackie for, man? I know more about this stuff than she does. The three true branches of the government are military, corporate, and Hollywood. I need a pencil. I got it, I got it.
(Donna opens the door to see Jackie and Kelso making out.)
Donna: Jackie, run!
(Bernece, Kitty, and Eric are in the Forman's kitchen. Bernece is smoking a cigarette.)
Kitty: I hope you're hungry, as the chicken will be done soon.
Bernece: I can't eat chicken. You know I have an irritable bowel. (She takes a long puff of her cigarette and Kitty looks on longingly.) You should've made a ham.
Eric: Oh boy, grandma, that was a great service this morning, don't you think?
Bernece: Well, I think the pastor talked too much about forgiveness. Some people shouldn't be forgiven.
Eric: This is why theology is such a rich top…
Kitty: You know, Bernece, some people don't need forgiveness, they just need a little understanding.
Eric: Oh, too true. Have you seen Godspell?
Bernece: You know what I don't understand, is how in hell a brilliant young man like my Red could've thrown away everything…
(Kitty stands up and pleads to Eric with her eyes.)
Eric: Grandma! Why don't we go into the living room and I'll rub your feet!
Bernece: (Stands) What a wonderful boy! (Bernece hugs Eric, and Kitty mouths "Thank You.") Oh, look at how thin you are! Is your mother feeding you enough? You should come and live with me.
Eric: (laughs) Ha ha, no.
(They go into the living room where Red is lying on the couch watching the game. He leaps up when he sees Bernece and Eric.)
Red: Hi! I was just on my way to the garage to fix…this! (He holds up a bunch of grapes made out of large blue marbles.)
Eric: Dad, just watch your game.
Red: No no, it's just, the Packers. (He turns off the TV and leaves the room.)
Bernece: Eric, where have you been hiding? (She takes off her shoes and socks)
Eric: Well, I've been doing some homework.
Bernece: Oh, that's important!
Eric: Yeah, you know actually it's a really interesting re…
Bernece: Eric, a little less talk and a little more rubbing. (She puts her feet up on the table.) You're the only one who's not afraid of my bunion.
Eric: Oh! Oh dear. (He starts to rub her feet.)
Bernece: Ohhh!!! Oh…
(Fez comes in the room.)
Fez: Goodbye, Eric, I am going home now.
Eric: No, Fez! You haven't met grandma!
Fez: Oh, hello, grandma! (He sees her feet) Oh! In my village we worship feet. And these dogs are a holy treasure.
Bernece: You wanna rub 'em?
Fez: (Looks up at Eric) May I?
Eric: Knock yourself out! (He leaves.)
(Fez takes one of Bernece's feet and starts to rub it. She moans, and Fez is pleased with the result.)
(Red is in the garage watching the game. Eric walks in.)
Eric: Hey, dad.
(Red jumps up and starts banging on a paint can with a hammer.)
Red: Damn it! Eric. Don't sneak up on a person like that when they're doing…this! (He bangs on the can some more.) How's it going in there?
Eric: I rubbed her feet.
Red: Well, you're a brave one. Better get back in there.
Eric: Hey dad? You coming back inside?
Red: Eric, I love your grandmother very very much. I just can't talk to her or spend any time with her!
Eric: Did I mention that I'm in there rubbing her feet?
Red: You know, son, sometimes you've just gotta play through the pain.
Eric: What?
Red: I don't know, just get back in there.
Eric: Right.
(In the basement. Hyde is talking, Donna is listening and trying to write what he's saying.)
Hyde: …with their sugar coated ideals, designed to ennastitize the ignorant masses. Why? So that the military, slash corporate branches, can carry out world domination. Alright, read that back to me. (He sits.)
Donna: Ok, (Clears her throat and imitates the famous Peanuts adults.) Wo wo wo wo, wo wo wo.
Hyde: You didn't get that?
Donna: Alright, let's just use the encyclopedia.
Hyde: Oh, oh, you just wanna vomit up facts from an encyclopedia?
Donna: Yes.
Hyde: Ok, fine. You know what? Vomit away, I will not be a part of this then.
(Kitty comes down the stairs.)
Kitty: Eric, are you down here?
Donna: He's outside here, Mrs. Forman.
Kitty: Donna, good. Why don't you come up and eat with us, I need all the help I can get. (Hyde starts to get up.) Not you, Steven, Grandma doesn't like you.
(She goes back up the stairs.)
Donna: You lucky bastard.
Hyde: Well, what am I supposed to eat?
Kitty: Oh, um, you know, help yourself to the deep freeze!
(She and Donna go upstairs)
Hyde: But everything's frozen! And I have a dryer.
(Red, Kitty, Donna, Eric, Bernece, and Fez are at the dinner table.)
Red: Honey, these cheesy potatoes are delicious. (He takes a bite.) Mmmm.
Kitty: Thank you honey.
Donna: They really are great, Mrs. Forman! (She smiles a cheesy smile)
Eric: We have them whenever grandma comes over, 'cause mom knows how much she loves 'em! Right, grandma?
Bernece: They make me sick. I'm allergic to dairy.
Fez: Oh, how sad.
Red: Ma, this is Wisconsin. You're not allergic to dairy.
Kitty: Well, maybe she's just allergic to my dairy.
Donna: If you're allergic to dairy, you shouldn't be putting cream in your coffee. I mean, cream is dairy…
Eric: Donna, I just, no, no, ok?
Bernece: You shut up, Eric. (To Donna) Who the hell are you?
Eric: Grandma, that's Donna. You've known her for sixteen years.
Bernece: I have not. Anyway, I like your new friend better.
Fez: The feeling is mutual.
Red: Darn! (He takes a bite of food) I heard a (bite) noise in the (bite) garage (bite) raccoons (bite) bye! (He leaves the table)
Kitty: Well, um, I couldn't eat another bite. I've had enough. (She leaves the table.)
Donna: I'm going back downstairs, excuse me. (She leaves the table.)
Eric: So, what say we watch Lorence Welk, huh grandma?
Bernece: No, I'm going to watch Lorence Welk with my new friend. You up for another foot rub, Desi?
(Eric just stares in shock.)
(The basement, Hyde is sitting on the dryer. It beeps, and he hops off.)
Hyde: Oooh! Fry time.
(Eric and Donna come downstairs.)
Hyde: (Grabbing the fries) Oooh, hot, hot!
Eric: What are you doing, huh?
Hyde: Uh, just working on your report here, and having some fries.
Eric: You put french fries in my mom's dryer?
Hyde: Yeah, well, fish sticks are too flakey, so I just…aaaah, you wouldn't….(He mumbles something.)
(Jackie and Kelso walk in the basement. Kelso's hair is messed up and his shirt is on backwards.)
Donna: Finally! Where've you guys been?
Kelso: Uh, we had to look for the paper. And, eat, and then some stuff happened, you know…
Eric: Your shirt's on inside out.
Kelso: Yeah. That's the stuff!
Donna: Where's the paper?
Jackie: Right, ok, see, it wasn't on the three branches of the government, it was on the four food groups.
Donna: Ok, look. My dad's got the world books, I'll just run next door and get G.
Jackie: Oooh! I'll go with you! (She runs out the door)
Donna: You can break up with her now. (She follows Jackie.)
Kelso: You know, I'm tired of everybody trying to tear me and Jackie apart!
Hyde: Moron! Every day you say you're breaking up with her!
Kelso: (Takes off his shirt to turn it inside out.) Well, you guys don't know her like I do! (He looks down and realizes he's exposing a large, purple hickey. He covers it up.) I mean, it's not just about fooling around! She buys me stuff!
Hyde: She hoovered your chest, man!
Eric: You know what? I don't care anymore. All I wanted was a little help with my paper and you've done nothing.
Hyde: We put your middle name in.
(Eric leans over to see.)
Eric: Jean Claude?
Hyde: Yeah, that's two words.
Eric: You guys suck. Just, thank god for Donna.
(Donna and Jackie walk back in.)
Donna: Ok, bad news. My mom sold some at a garage sale, but we have B, X, and R.
(Kitty comes downstairs.)
Kitty: Alright, alright. Now. You listen up. I have had an extremely stressful day. And I am not proud of what I'm about to say, but someone give me a cigarette. Now!
Eric: But mom, we don't smoke.
Kitty: Cut the crap, Eric! I am a nurse. I know that one in five teenagers smoke. (She counts the kids in the basement.) One, two, three, four, five! Now. I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them there had better be a cigarette between these two fingers! Come on people, hop to!
(She closes her eyes and one hand puts a cigarette in her hand.)
Kitty: Thank you. Light! (Five hands offer their lighters.)
Red: (From upstairs) Kitty! Kitty! Kitty!
(Kitty hands her cigarette to Eric and he throws it in the washing machine just before Red gets downstairs.)
Kitty: Well, there you are Red!
Red: Ma says the cat bit her, so I'm down here looking for it.
Eric: Dad, we don't have a cat.
Red: That's what I thought. (He turns on the game and sits down. Everyone stares for a while, then Kitty speaks.)
Kitty: Well, you know we really, we shouldn't leave your poor little foreign friend up there alone with grandma. (She sits down.) Really, it's, it's kinda nice down here.
(Hyde offers her a french fry and she takes one.)
(The Forman's driveway, Red, Kitty, and Eric are helping Bernece to the car.)
Bernece: Oh, thank you for a wonderful dinner.
Kitty: Well, you are so very welcome!
Bernece: Well, now, I hope I wasn't any bother.
Red: No, ma, you're no bother, you're as welcome as…flowers in May.
(Eric just looks very confused.)
Kitty: Oh, oh, here! Bernece, I wrapped up some chicken for you to take home.
Bernece: Oh, thank you dear! And, I, I hope you put some of those cheesy potatoes in there, you know how much I love them.
Eric: What? I thought you made such a big deal about how you were allergic to-
Red: Eric! It's been a perfectly nice Sunday, let's not spoil it.
(Bernece and Red get in the car.)
Bernece: Sweetheart, I hope I didn't make too big a deal about my allergies.
Red: Oh, no, ma! He's a kid! He, uh, he overreacts.
Bernece: You know, this is the cutest little car. I just love it!
(It's late at night, and Eric is in the basement working on his paper. Kitty comes downstairs.)
Eric: Eight hundred twenty-five, eight hundred twenty-six…
Kitty: Eric? What are you doing? It's one o'clock in the morning.
Eric: I'm just finishing up some homework. What are you doing down here?
Kitty: Oh, uh, well, uh…Snow White came down to gun a stick? (She pulls out a cigarette and lights it.)
Eric: Look, mom, I-I wish you wouldn't smoke.
Kitty: I know. I know. This is my last one, I promise. By the way, um, thanks for your help with your grandma today.
Eric: Can I ask you a question?
Kitty: Mmm-hmm.
Eric: What does she have against you, mom?
Kitty: Well, about twenty-five years ago your father was dating this very attractive well-to-do woman that your grandma liked, and um, he married me instead. And she never forgave me.
Eric: That bitch!
(Kitty starts laughing. Eric laughs along with her.)
Get your own Free Home Page