Monday May 11, 1998. 10:27PM
I'm still real aggravated at the car accident I got into on Friday afternoon. This hillbilly stopped suddenly on a road while it was raining, I skidded, and accidentally plowed into him. My car was more jacked up them his was and he did most of the whining.
I still feel as if I'm an outsider up here in Jersey. Kinda having a rough time get settled. I feel like a schmuck coming back here cause I don't wanna barge into people's lives that they've been living for the past year now. Another friend of mine who went away also expressed the same opinion, that they also feel weird returning. Another person I know who didn't go away told me that they didn't like people coming home from school and would rather there be less people around. The people I know now have made new friends, and led different lives since I left last year. I feel like shit cause I'm not sure if I belong. Part of me is always telling myself, "Just stick with John and don't bother anybody!" And the other part of me is longing for every opportunity to get out of this trailer, and so far, there haven't been many. I have my doubts as to whether I should even think of myself as part of any "group" cause I just can't jump into anything after being gone so long. That's my low self esteem talking, Jill hates that about me. I'll figure it out soon enough I hope.
Didn't mean to bother anyone, just had to get that off my chest.
Tuesday, May 12. 2:25AM
Am I a bad driver? No, really, am I? That issue was just brought up with me. Unattentive was acctually the word that was used to describe me. I guess I am though sometimes. I can name more than a few times when I ran a red light or had a close call cause I wasn't focused. I have a lot on my mind though. I guess I just have to learn to leave my problems in life behind when I turn that key. I know I'll get better though, I know all about the alterbative having had to walk two miles to Taco Bell almost every night for five months for dinner.
Didn't mean to bother anyone, just had to get that off my chest.
Tuesday, May 12. 4:08AM
Seems no matter what I do, I hurt someone. I tried to play it safe and keep to myself to see if people wanted to have me around, and I end up unintentionally hurting some very good friends. Sometimes I feel as if I just can't do anything right. Just another thing that contributes to the cesspool known as my life
Didn't mean to bother anyone, just had to get that off my chest.
Tuesday, May 12. 2:30PM.
I applied for my sixth job today, that's six jobs I've applied for in ten days. Let's go down the list of places I won't be working at this summer: Eckerd's, Blockbuster Video, Video Update, United Artists, K-Mart, and Hometown Video. I was told that with all those the odds are that I'll get a call. Fat chance. This really sucks, I need a job in the worst way. Later I'll be applying for work at Acme and Caldor, adding two more places to the list of places I won't be working at. I've got to be doing something wrong, it's probably my messed up handwriting. My handwriting sucks too. I'd do anything for work at this point....almost anything. If anyone knows a place that's hiring and will take anybody, let me know.
Didn't mean to bother anyone, just had to get that off my chest.
Tuesday, May 12. 4:57PM.
The sun is out. It's about bloody time. I think I'll attempt a walk in the park.
Didn't mean to bother anyone, just had to get that off my chest.
Tuesday, May 12. 11:08PM
This evening I was asked to come out of retirement and cover the Twp Sr prom with the handy video camera. Months ago I woulda jumped at the chance, but now I just don't know. There will be forces I would have to confront there. A few people I'd rather not see. Quuite a dilemma it is. I'm sure I won't have the shitty time I did when I covered the Harvest Moon Dance, that sucked big monkey balls. I'll just go in, wave the camera around, and get the hell out. Take some emergency cigarretes with me just in case it sucks, which I'm sure it will. I'm all comes down to the fact that I'm needed. Duty. Gotta love it.
I guess that's what I'm bummed about now, among other things. I hope to fix the light in my car tomorrow, hopefully I'll get to fix it under some sunshine. Anyway, I watched Fifth Element three times today, it's still good. The Phillies are on now, let's see if they can win.
Didn't mean to bother anyone, just had to get that off my chest.
Wednesday, May 13, 1998. 6:18PM.
Applied for job number seven today at General Cinema. Time will see how long it will take till I completely give up on my job search. The sunny day today convinced me to look at life in an opitmistic way, but that only lasted for a minute and I reverted back to my old ways, oh well. Surprisingly, my mind's a blank, actually, I do have something to say, but am not in the mood to talk about it now.
Didn't mean to bother anyone, just had to get that off my chest.
Thursday, May 14, 1998. 1:19PM.
Thank God, I don't have to work the prom. Quite a relief, because I'm sure I woulda gone buck on a few people from my past that I woulda happen to encounter there.
Tomorrow is Drozd's birthday, hopin we get to do somethin, cause not doin jack shit on your birthday sucks. All I did when it was my birthday a few weeks ago was clean my room, color my hair and have a Denny's dinner. Does that sound like I'm whining? I don't care, I need to vent every now and then. Lemme talk about the thing I didn't wanna talk about before. The thing I hate about doin stuff up here is sometimes when i go out at night I am forced to sleep in my car cause my grandmother freaks when I come in after 1:00AM. It really sucks. Hasn't happened since I got back, but it did last year. Usually John bails me out but I can't rely on him all the time. Oh well.
Didn't mean to bother anyone, just had to get that off my chest.
Saturday, May 16, 1998. 10:56PM.
What a waste of a Saturday night. Sitting around, watching cartoons, and falling asleep at 8:00 on the couch. It seems as if everybody's out. I'm sitting here, feeling very lame. Lame, Lame, Lame. Friends of mine from Florida got married today, wish I coulda been there. I love weddings, they kick ass. I went to my cousin's wedding last year, and it was most bombastic. I had a cool date, (even though she and I are no longer talking) and the music was swag, and I got some champagne buzz. I wish my Florida friends the best; good luck Greg and Kim.
Anyway, I'm supposed to go to Alex's concert at University of Delaware tomorrow night, but as most things in my life do, I expect those plans to fall apart. I'll let you know if I end up going.
Didn't mean to bother anyone, just had to get that off my chest.
Sunday, May 17, 1998. 12:37AM.
I'm such a chicken shit. I can't say why, I just am. Months ago, I tried to pledge that I would be more honest with people when I got back up here to Jersey. Am I? Take one goddamn guess. Hell no. I mean I try to tell people what's really on mind and how I really feel but I'm always blocked by that voice in my head that tries to keep me from looking like a schmuck. Here's another thing I hate about me that I was just confronted with. Say someone is doin something that really isn't best for them. I just sit by and do nothing. I'm such a bastard like that. Part of me knows I'll be heading down that path soon anyway cause of the suckness of my life. I hate also how I pick and choose what I say to different people. I have a lot to work on.
Didn't mean to bother anyone, just had to get that off my chest.
Sunday, May 18, 1998. 10:46PM.
Didn't end up goin to Alex's concert, circumstances did not allow it. The big thing is whether or not I'll be goin to the carnival I been wanting to go to. I'm quite the betting man, and the odds are that my carnival plans will also fall apart. So I bet myself that if I do end up going to this carnival, I'll have to get up every morning next week at 6:00AM and exercise like hell. I'll be doin the running, the stretching, the forms, the whole painful ordeal. I went running yesterday and my legs still hurt. So if I don't go to the carnival as planned, I get to sleep in all next week. I'm such a bastard.
Fifth Element is on now. That Leeloo chick is really beautiful I must say. But I can't see her with Bruce Willis. That was honesty, wasn't it? I'm working on that, being more honest. I doubt I'll ever be totally honest with anybody. I wanna apoligize right now for all the friends I lie to about what is wrong. When I say "nothing", I never mean it. Gotta also apoligize to the people who ask me, "Do you like her?" When I say "No", the answer is actually "Yes", 90% of the time. So that is my explanation of my brand of "honesty". Not too hard to figure out.
Didn't mean to bother anyone, just had to get that off my chest.
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