Don't Worry.....Be Happy

Subject: Blonde on First Class

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached
a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that
she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New
York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked
the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman
asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again,
the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New
York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what
should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I
know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's
ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section
mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he
said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when
early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am.
I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.

The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.
Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.
I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond.
The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.

At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?"
I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's yes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.
BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I laughed out loud.
"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.

WOMEN'S LITTLE INSTRUCTION BOOK

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

They put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too small to be let out alone.

The only reason men are on this planet is because vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll stay the night."

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar".

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