Q. What do you get when you cross Lee Iacoca with a vampire?
A. AUTOEXE.BAT

Q. How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. None, that's a hardware problem.

Q. How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?
A. He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.

Q. What flower is in between your nose and your chin?
A. Two lips!

Q. Why do cows wear bells?
A. Because their horns don't work.

Q. How did the town drunk break his arm raking leaves?
A. He fell out of the tree.

Q. How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
A. Wave at him.

Q. What did the turkey, say to the chicken?
A. gobble gobble.

Q. How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent???
A. When her first words are, "A man once told me...."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're pigs.

Q. Did you hear about the two blondes that ran into a building?
A. You would have thought that one of them would have seen it!!!!

Q. What do a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
A. Either way, someone's gona lose a trailer.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. --Mae West

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front door. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call...but the dog will stop barking when you let him in.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make it stick to the pan?

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender is he served food and he said no, so the sandwich left.

A guy walks into a bar, and says ouch.

Bad command of file name! Go stand in the corner.

Press any key... no,no,no NOT THAT ONE!

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

I have a spelling checker it came with my PC it plane lee marks four my review Miss steaks aye can knot sea

* A helicopter was flying around Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course. He needed help to steer to the airport. The pilot then saw a tall building, flew over to it, and while circling the building, drew a handwritten sign and held it up to the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. The people in the building quickly responded to the helicopter, drew a large sign and held it up to the building's window. Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved to the people in the building, looked at his map, and flew straight back to the Seattle Airport and landed. After they were on the ground the passenger asked the pilot how the sign "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" helped determine his positios? The pilot responded, "I knew I had to be at the Microsoft building because, similar to their help lines, they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."

* A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?" the bartender says no, and the duck walks out. The next day the same duck walks in a nd again asks, "got any crackers?" again the bartender says no, and the duck walks out. The next day the same duck walks into the bar and AGAIN asks, "got any crackers?" Now angry, the bartender yells at the duck and says "NO we don't have any crackers, now if you come back in here again, asking for crackers I'm going to nail your beak to my wall!" And the duck walks out. The very next day, the same duck, walks into the same bar and asks, "got any nails?" Dumbfounded the bartender says "NO!" Then the duck says, "Good, got any crackers."

* A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very smal boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's effort for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position. He steps smartly across street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Hell!"

* An old couple go to the docotr. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in. The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first." The old woman says, "Oh no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs." The doctor says, "No, physically he is OK, but I'm worried about him mentally." The old woman questions, "Whatever do you mean?" The doctor says, "Well I asked your husband how he was feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he shut the door and God would turn the light out for him." The old woman responded, "Son of a gun, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

* An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response. He moved right behind her and said, "Honey can you hear me?" She replied, :For the third time, YES!"

* One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a HUGE dog. The mailman asks the boy, "Does your dog bite." To which the boy responded, "No." Just then the dog ran up and bit the mailman. The mailman yelled, I thought your dog doesn't bite!" "He doesn't," replyed the boy, "that's not my dog!"

* Two friends rented a boat and went fishing every morning. One morning they caught 30 fish. One said to the other, "mark this spot so that we can come here tomorrow." The next day when they were drivingto the boat rental dock, the same man asked, "Did you mark that spot?" His friend replyed, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." The first one said, "You fool! What if we don't get the same boat today!?!?"

* After a long day on the course, the exasperated golfer turned to his caddie and said, "You must be the worst caddie in the world." "No, I don't think so," said the caddie. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

*God, Jesus, and John the Baptist are playing golf up in heaven. On the first tee, John leads off and hits a big blast right down the gut. It rolls to a stop about 270 yards out, perfect lie. Jesus steps up next and kills the ball, sending it 300 yards straight away, perfect lie. God steps up and badly hits the ball into the trees. As it flies in, a huge oak is struck by lightning and splits, one half falling into the path of the oncoming ball and knocking it into the fairway. As it comes to a rest a bare 50 yards out, a squirrel darts out of the woods on the other side and grabs the ball and takes off towards the left side woods. Before he gets in, an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel, carrying it aloft down the fairway. Just as it passes over the green, the eagle is pelted by hailstones, whereupon it drops the squirrel(still clutching the ball) onto the green about 3 feet from the hole. Dazed, the squirrel drops the ball where it rolls it rolls up and stops on the lip of the cup. Suddenly there is an earthquake! The ball drops in...hole in one! Jesus stares a John the Baptist with a pissed look, then turns to God and says, "Dad? We gonna play golf, or are you just gona screw around?"

* A contractor is doing a new home walk through with the new homeowner who is selecting the color scheme of the paint. "I want the den sky blue." the owner says. "No problem," replys the contractor, who then proceeds to the window and yells out, "Green side up." Puzzled, but not to the point of asking, they proceed into the next room where the owner says, "I want this room a deep, earthly brown." "Sure thing," says the contractor who again goes to the window and yells out "Green side up." Now, the owner is getting frustrated, but still says nothing. Throughout the remaining rooms, the owner picks the color then the contractor goes to the window each time and yells out, "Green side up." Finally the owner has had enough and after the final room, says "I don't think you're taking me seriously. Whatever color I choose you yell out Green side Up." "Aw, don't worry about it lady," the contractor says. "It has nothing to do with you, I have a couple of blondes laying sod in the yard across the street."

* A man calls into a technical support center for his computer to complain about a product defect. When ask what the problem was the man explains that the cup holder has fallen off of his computer. The repair man asks, "A cup holder?? Was this some sort of special promotion??? I don't believe any of our computers come with a cup holder." The customer replys, "Well mine did, it came from the store that way and now it's broke and I want it fixed." Trying to assertain the refered to part the tech. asks, "Is there any marking on the part that might specify a serial number." The man replys, "No, but it says 4x on the front of it."

You Might be a Redneck If...

Your kid calls your sister, Mom.

You've ever tried to drown a fish.

You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.

Your Christmas stocking is ful of ammo.

You go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home.

You can yell to your mom,"Hey Aunt Betty."

You actually like SPAM.

You pick up truck has a bigger turning radius than your house.

The same pair of boots has been in your family for 5 generations...and their only 20 years old.

You bring your dog with you to church.

You break wind in public and blame it on your kid.

You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.

You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer, with pennies.

You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.

You ask the preacher,"How's it hangin?"

You go to a stock car race, and don't need a program.

You have a bumper sticker that reads,"My mother's an honor student" at the local junior high school.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You've ever Barbecued Spam on the grill.

There are more than 5 fast food bags on the floor of your car.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

Three quarters of the clothes you own, have logos on them.

You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinken when it get light.

Taking your wife on a cruise, means circling the Dairy Queen.

You think the last four word to the "Start Spangled Banner", are Gentlemen start your engines.

You bring your dog to work with you.

IF YOU MEMORIZE REDNECK JOKES, SO YOU CAN BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY.

Your Starship Captain just might be a Redneck if...

1) Your shuttle craft has been up on blocks for over a month

2) He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles

3) You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"

4) He refers to any intelligent alien race as "critters"

5) He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"

6) He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil

7) He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section

8) He says, "Got yer ears on, good buddy?" instead of "open hailing frequencies"

9) He hangs fuzzy dice over the view screen

10) He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle

11) He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it

12) He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"

13) He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser

14) He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"

15) He sets the fore view screen to reruns of "Bassmaster"

16) He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens

17) He paints the starship John Deere green

18) He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"

19) He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"

20) His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale

21) He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"

22) His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls

23) He wears mirrored shades on the bridge

24) His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies

25) He sets his phaser to "Cajun"

26) He has ever ordered the Chief Engineer to dig out the jumper cables

27) The warp reactor is coated in duct tape and Bond-O

28) He orders the Sickbay to carry castor oil and turpentine

29) He lights his cigarettes with his laser pistol

30) He keeps livestock in the cargo bay

31) He refers to the Kobiyashi Maru test as "the best target practice I ever had"

32) He orders the ship into time warp so he can have another go at the "Tuesday Night All-You-Can-Eat Ribs" buffet

33) The ship, all the shuttle craft, and the ship's mascot are all named after Confederate war heroes

TWO TEXAS REDNECKS, BUBBA AND EARL, WERE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD DRINKING A COUPLE OF BOTTLES OF BUD. THE PASSENGER, BUBBA, SAID, "LOOKEY THAR UP AHEAD, EARL, ITS A DPS ROADBLOCK!!! WE'RE GONNA GET BUSTED FER DRINKIN THESE HERE BEERS!!!"

"DON'T WORRY, BUBBA," SAID EARL. "WE'LL JUST PULL OVER, FINISH DRINKIN THESE BEERS, THROW THE BOTTLES UNDER THE SEAT, AND PEEL OFF THE LABEL AND STICK IT ON OUR FOREHEADS." "WHAT FER?", ASKED BUBBA. "JEST LET ME DO THE TALKIN, OK?", SAID EARL.

WELL, THEY FINISHED THEIR BEERS, THREW THE EMPTY BOTTLES UNDER THE SEAT, AND EACH PUT A LABEL ON THEIR FOREHEAD. WHEN THEY REACHED THE ROADBLOCK, THE TROOPER SAID, "YOU BOYS BEEN DRINKIN?" "NO, SIR", SAID EARL. "WE'RE ON THE PATCH."

How to Determine if Technology has Taken Over Your Life

You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house--only computers with laser printers.

You think of the gadgets in your home as your "friends" but you can't remember your Dad's birthday.

When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on the salesperson talking to a customer and you butt in to correct him, and spend the next 20 minutes answering the customers questions while the salesperson sits there nodding.

You use the phrase "Digital Compression" in a converstaion without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

You constantly find yourself in conversations with groups of people to whom you say the phrase "Digital Compression" Everyone understands what you mean, and you aren't disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

You know Bill Gate's Email address, but you have to look up your Social Security Number.

You sign your Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

Off the top of your head you can think of 19 keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

The only people that recieve Christmas, birthday or anniversary cards from you are people that have computers. As you've started send out only Virtual Cards for special occasions.

You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

You go to a computer trade show and before begining map out your whole path through the exhibition hall, but you can't give directions to your home, without looking up the street names.

You would rather get more dots per inch, than miles per gallon.

The thought that CD could refer to finance or music rarely crosses your mind.

You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

You rotate your screen savers more often than you rotate your automobile tires.

You email these jokes to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them over the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

You understand all the above jokes. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

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