Chapter 1
1 In the beginning God created Dates.
2 And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 BC.
3 And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there
was Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down to
work; for verily, he had a Big Job to do.
4 And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian
limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and
Pithecanthropus erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and
those cave paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first
Work Day.
5 And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had
not wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be divided
from the earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have
made in the earth; but not too deep.
6 And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that was that.
7 And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.
8 And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and
that was that.
9 And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called he the
Sea. And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one
through six; and natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric
carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter;
and all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant.
10 And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles
from the dry land, called he resources; all that was therein, like
manganese nodules, for instance.
11 And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he called
Wednesday.
12 And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving
creature I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without
wings or feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now;
and let each one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make
whatsoever I like, whensoever I like.
13 And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and
small, with and without backbones, with and without wings and feet
and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to
brontosauruses.
14 But God blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and multiply and Evolve
Not.
15 And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth
was exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species
compete for what it needeth; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And
the species competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping
things; and some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the
dinosaurs and God was pleased.
16 And God took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear
mighty old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And he took
every tiny creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to become
fossils; and cast he them about likewise.
17 And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt
God created carbon dating. And this is the origin of species.
18 And in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw that he had
put in another good day's work.
19 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which
is tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make
monkeys, which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and
ill-formed and hairy. And God added, Let man have dominion over the
monkeys and the fowl of the air and every species, endangered or
otherwise.
20 So God created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and pale of
hue created He him, and nothing at all like the monkeys.
21 And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which
is upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it
giveth you ideas.
22 And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have
given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But
they shall be for you. And the Lord God your Host suggesteth that the
flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw; thus
shall Surf be wedded unto Turf.
23 And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good;
and God said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can
accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken
billions of years.
24 And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day
yet, God said, Thank me it's Friday. And God made the weekend.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain without the
express written consent of the Lord thy God. The name "the Lord thy God"
is the sole property of the Lord thy God. Any use of the name of the Lord
thy God without the express written consent of the Lord thy God is
unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by the Lord thy God.
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