Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
 the craft it sank.....proving once and for all that you can't have your
 kayak and heat it, too.
 
 **********************************************************************
 
  Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.  One went to Hollywood  and
 became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton  fields and
 never amounted to much.
 
   The second one, naturally,  became  known as the lesser of two weevils.
 
 **********************************************************************
 
  A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He sidles up to
 the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
 
 **********************************************************************
 
  A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
 
  The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
 
 **********************************************************************
 
  Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
 
  One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
 
 "No, I lost an electron!"
 
 "Are you sure?"
 
 "Yeah, I'm positive!"
 
 **********************************************************************
 
  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine
 during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication!
 
 **********************************************************************
 
  A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were
 standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
 
  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
 to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
 
  "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open
 foyer."
 
 **********************************************************************
 
  A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
 daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
 always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
 
  One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was
 dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.
 
  Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts
 and set it on the bar.
 
  The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and
 exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
 
  "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
 
 **********************************************************************
 
  A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
 eat. He came across two men: one was sitting under a tree and reading a
 book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
 
  The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
 
  Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
 
 **********************************************************************
 
  There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in ten
 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
 
  Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
 
 **********************************************************************
 
  A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
  The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here."
  The mushroom says, "Why not?! I'm a fun guy!"
 
 **********************************************************************
 
  This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his
 home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says,
 
  "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and
 it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's
 with the fancy plate?"
 
  The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
 
 **********************************************************************
 
  Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large
 puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side.  So... the one flies
 over and the other one swims through.
 
  Which one gets the worm first?
 
  The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da  woim."

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