When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want
you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as
the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men
have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer
courses to help men get over this need.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is
why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the
female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy
and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned
on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit
laughter from women.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large
loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note
from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face
at the end of the note.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in
his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery
shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man
reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop
him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then
slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress
shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet
are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
LEG WARMERS:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them
any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is
auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of
the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That
must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS
the pain.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will
dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a
myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American
Style."
EATING OUT:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20
bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for a Porsche.
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit
her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call
the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men
hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works
at the health club and dates only married women.
MADONNA:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession
with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive
and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature
TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic
equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video
games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D"
batteries to operate.
CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for
state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography
classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always
end up taking better pictures.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly
as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about
women. Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in
abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and
they never lie.
MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the
movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with
wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look
like a lounge singer named Vic.
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football
game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time
outs, commercials, or replays.
CONVERSATION:
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great
movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that
size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia
guys", etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate
conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by
the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good
restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's
night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass
the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms
as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to
each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling
together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has
a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I
was just about to go to the bathroom. Do you want to join me?"
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