Festivity Level 1:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano,
sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 2:
Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and
sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments,
singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks
and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 3:
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I
can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other people's drinks,
wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in
the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.
Festivity Level 4:
Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies, are
performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano
is missing. Neighbors have all called 911. Sirens can be heard
approaching in the background.
Seriously, you really want to keep your party somewhere around level
3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can
go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is spiked eggnog.
HELPFUL TIP:
Often bail bondsmen will give you a group rate if you reach Level 4 on
at least two consecutive Christmas parties.
