T'n'T Joke Archive Page 1 2 3

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You won't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the vegetables."



A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them for church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"



Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine year old replies, "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious. "Oh! Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says, "They're for my four year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised. "Your four year old little brother???"
The nine year old explains, "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"

Submitted By The Bowmans!

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.
An employee comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.
After the employee has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.
"Isn't that just like an employee. We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

Submitted by Billy and Sandy Bowman!

A man is in the dock, the Judges says, "On the 3rd of August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!".

The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead".

"Guilty", said the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted, "You dirty rotten stinking rat".

At this point the Judge called the man to the Bench and said "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but please tell me what relationship have you to the man in the dock".

He replied "He is my next door neighbour".

The Judge replied "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".

The man replied "No, your Honour, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and on both occasions he said he didn't have one".

There was a lady who was making lemonade for her three children (two daughters and a son.) As she was making the lemonade a box of BBs fell in the jug. Well, after the lemonade was chilled the lady poured her children each a glass.
Soon the first daughter came running in screaming,"Mama guess what?" The lady replied,"What?" The girl answered," I peed a BB."
Astonished the women continued cleaning up the kitchen when her second daughter came running in, "Mama, guess what?" The lady answered, "What?" And the little girl replied, "I peed a BB."
Now the lady was really confused but soon enough her son came running in "Mama, Guess what?" Expectantly the women answered, "You peed a BB?"
With the strangest look the boy replied, "Sort of -- I shot the dog."

A little black boy goes to buy a barrel of cheese at the general store. As he was rolling the barrel home, he came upon a hill and the barrel got away from him. At the bottom of the hill, a little white boy found the barrel and decided to roll it home.
When he got home, he told his mother he had brought home a barrel ofcheese.
When his mother asked him what kind of cheese it was, he replied, "I think it's NACHO cheese!"
"How do you know?", his mother asked.
" Because when I was rolling it home a little black boy was yelling: "THAT'S NOT' YO' CHEESE!!"

Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough."
Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!"
As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?"
"I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him."

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"
To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir," answered the man. "Did you ever get any from his wife?" "No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh - excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." Fuming, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no fuckin' problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the fuckin' lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this fuckin' bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this fuckin' bitch is giving you a fucking hard time?"

There was a country boy who comes to town and stays too long in the pub, ending up pissed as a parrot. On leaving he walks down the road and bumps in to a nun who was standing outside her church.
The boy falls on top of the nun throwing and knocking her to the ground accidently. The patrons of the pub think they hear a fight and come running outside and drag him off the Nun.
As he is being taken away he yells out, "Shit! I thought you would be tougher than that, Batman!"

Two old guys at an old folk's home are shooting the breeze.
One says "How's the memory?"
The other says "Perfect, touch wood", and raps his knuckles on the table. 2 minutes go bye, and then he says "Somebody gonna get the door or what?"

A man calls home and the Maid answers the phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." The man replies "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok."
5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"

A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!"
He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're *Mrs.* Forsythe for a little while?
She says, "Oh, I'd like that." He says, "Then get your own damn blanket."

Updated June 12, 1998!

This guy visits Kuwait before Desert Storm and mentions to his guide that he has noticed that the men in Kuwait always walk 10 paces in front of the women. "Why is this so?" he asks.
"Out of respect to the men" his guide answers. After the war he returns and now notes that the women walk 10 paces in front of the men.
"I see American influence has changed your attitudes regarding women. What exactly is the reason for the change?"
"Land mines" answers the guide.