Jokes Posted up to May 7, 1997

The Pope

The chairman of Tyson Foods gains a private audience with the Pope. After exchanging a few pleasantries, and receiving the Papal Blessing, the guy whispers to the Pope "Your Holiness, do we have a deal for you. If you change one word in The Lord's Prayer, we'll donate $500 million to the Church. All you have to do is change 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'."

The Pope responds with outrage! "That is impossible! The prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed." The Tyson executive says "Well, I can see that this is a matter of great importance to you, and in light of that, we'd be prepared to increase our donation to $1 billion." Once again, the Pope replies "You simply do not appreciate the magnitude of what you're asking. The Word of the Lord has been passed down to us and it is not subject to change at our whim."

Finally, the Tyson guy says "I'm beginning to realize just how significant this change would be. Accordingly, I believe I could get my Board of Directors to go along with a $5 billion donation if you change 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. All I ask is that you think about it." And with that, he leaves.

Shortly thereafter the Pope convenes a meeting of the College of Cardinals, and announces that he has some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion....the bad news is that we are losing the Wonder Bread account."

How to Be an Asshole-by-Modem

Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").
WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!
When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away.
Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like "Thanks."
Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.
cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway Internet.
Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.

Half Blind

This half blind dude walks into a music shop and says," I'd like to buy that red trumpet on the wall and that piano accordion over there." The shopkeeper replies," You can take the fire extinguisher but the heater is staying right where it is!"

The Little Jewish Boy

One day a little jewish boy raced proudly to his father and said, "Papa, today I saved one dollar!" His father smiled and replied, "Congratulations my son. Tell me, how did you save that dollar?" "Well I got on the tram to go to town but then I realised that it would be too expensive. So I got off the tram and ran behind it all the way to town and saved one dollar." The boy beamed. His father was furious and slapped him in the face screaming,"IDIOT!" "What, what", weeped the boy. "You should have run behind a taxi and then you could have saved 30 dollars!"

Drowing Man

A man fell overboard from his boat and was thrashing around in the water when another boat pulled up.

"Jump in, we'll save you," the guys in the other boat shouted.

"No!" cried the drowning man. "God will save me".

The guys shrugged and left. Another boat pulls up. Same result. Finally a helicopter hovered over the man. "We'll rescue you!" yelled the pilot.

"No, God will save me," came the response.

The man drowned. As he crossed the Pearly Gates, he ran straight up to Jesus, complaining, "I placed my faith in You, Lord, and You let me drown!"

"Hey, give me a break," said Jesus. "I sent you three boats and a frigging helicopter!"

An American and a Candian Soldier

An American and Canadian soldier share a train compartment with a 40 year old woman and her beatiful teenage daughter. Everytime the train enters a tunnel, the lights go out (old trains I guess) a kissing sound can be heard followed be a vicious slap. After 2 tunnels they're all thinking their own thoughts:

40 year old woman thinks: "How rude of those soldiers to kiss my daughter, she did good to slap him."

Teenage daughter thinks: "How dare they kiss my mother. They deserve all the slapping they get."

The American thinks: "Damn that canuck. He does all the kissing and I get slapped for it."

The Canadian thinks: "Wow, I can't wait till the next tunnel. I can kiss my hand again and slap the yank some more!"

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